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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

FB messages between husband and his ex

117 replies

overit · 14/09/2010 08:51

I know, I know this is an all too common cliche, but I need some views as to whether I am overreacting (as my husband says I am) or if he has stepped way over the line of respect and decency.
We have an 11 week old baby, and everything has been great, after a couple of years previously of marital stress and turbulence mainly due to country relocation and work stresses. We separated for a couple of months early last year, but thought we were back on track and conceived and now have bub with work situation completely changed.
We got back home from a family holiday with his parents and I opened Facebook, his account was still open and I read the first message, it was from his ex fiance (20 years ago) when he was about 21. I knew they were facebook friends before this.
The messages from him included asking her:
'what indiscretions she had been up to lately', 'nice photo...mmmmmm' and whinging that he was tired because of the baby.
Her replies included that she would love to see a photo and asking if he was going to be in a particular country for work during certain dates, as she was going there on holiday.
Previous messages from her when he told everyone I was pregnant include:'I understand if you don't feel comfortable chatting anymore'.
I went off my brain, he said that he talked to her via messages about our marriage problems etc, but doesn't see anything wrong with what he has written then or recently.
I see this as an act of disloyality to our marriage, a breech of trust and an emotional affair, he says I am a drama queen and he wouldn't care what I wrote to ex boyfriends etc.,
I have no problem with him talking to a male friend or a platonic female friend about us, but I do have a big problem with this covert and flirty talk, am I being a drama queen?
This blew up 10 days ago, I have held it together but told him we need to talk, when I raised it this morning about talking about it, he said he saw no need to talk about it and that I was just picking a sore to cause drama.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:52

let us know how it pans out x

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 10:54

Thanks, I have made a counsellor appointment for tomorrow night, and his Mum is leaving in two days.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:55

I like your style x

QS · 14/09/2010 10:56

Seriously, do tell his mum he is asking about the sexual exploits of his ex, and is meeting her next week, while you have an 11 week old baby. Tell her to get her senses checked, and if the pair of them are not careful, she will soon find herself in the position of ex mil, as you wont stand for your husbands indiscretions and illoyality.

dignified · 14/09/2010 10:56

and told me I should get my hormones checked as I am breastfeeding and how I've reacted is not appropriate.

Again , she doesnt get to dictate how you should react or feel, who the fuck does she think she is ? Perhaps this is where he gets this attitude from . I think id have told her to fuck off out .

If he does blow up and call you paranoid when you ask him not to meet her youve got a serious problem on your hands.

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 11:04

I would love to tell his Mum the whole gory details, but I do feel that whilst he mightn't always be my husband he will always be her Son and it's a completely different realtionship and she shouldn't hear some things, you know? And I do feel like she has been plonked in the middle of the stressful situation at home.
He will blow up, in a way I wish they would meet up and realise that they are not 21 anymore and his nuts have sagged and he is a grouch 97% of the time!

OP posts:

QS · 14/09/2010 11:05

If he tells her his side of the story, why should you not put him straight? Why do you need to respect the mother son relationship when neither of them respect you? She is chosing to take his side, she is not helping your marriage.

LadyBiscuit · 14/09/2010 11:08

I know what you mean overit, but at the same time, he has given her his take on events and probably missed out the salient points. You don't have to tell her the gory details but you could mutter darkly that there is a lot more to it than he's told her.

You don't sound very happy in your marriage though - is this since this happened or is there some history?

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 11:11

I'm with QS, tell the nosey bessom the ungilded truth about her wonderful son. Making admiring noises about your ex girlfriends picture is not respectful to you, it is bang out of order.

If she is nosey and rude enough to make it her business, make it worth her while.

Urgh, am so angry on your belhalf [amgry]

My Mil calls me 'the voice' because I am so unafraid of stating my case. She can laugh and joke, and talk to me about anything, but above all, she respects me.

Where's the respect for you in this?

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 11:11

I know. She was great to start with, and totally supportive and then this morning before I was leaving for work she just lost it because I pulled an internet plug out of the wall to use the iron and screwed up the connection apparently. I didn't even know what the plug was, she called me stupid, told me to grow up etcetc, and asked why husband stormed out this morning and what I was yelling at him about. When I told her that it was about this situation she said I was stupid for bringing it up now.
Anyway, besides being majorly hurt at being called stupid, I have no gripe with her and want to focus on the husband situation with what little energy I have left and not her, I really don't care about, we are close enough that we can sort out our crap afterwards if there is a marriage after all this.
She did apologise for losing her temper about the plug, but then went off again and called me at work and said she wanted her ticket changed. I told her it was already changed.

OP posts:

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 11:14

Lady Biscuit, there is history and other incidents etc, but I really thought that we had turned over a new leaf this year and with the bub coming. He has been very supportive and a great Dad, so it knocked me for six, that he is doing this still.

OP posts:

Tortington · 14/09/2010 11:14

you are right overit, tell his mum the whole situation, you may open her eyes a little but unless he committed mass murder she will always be his mum.

my sons gf tried that - and whilst i can appeciate hes a shit - hes my son and my loyalties lie with him

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 11:14

Oh she needs to go now. Who the fuck does she think she is? Telling you, in YOUR home, that YOU are stupid?

Well, with an upbringing from that piece of work, I am not surprised your dh has some low standards.

QS · 14/09/2010 11:34

So who is looking after your 11 week old baby if you are in work now?

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 11:35

QS...why ?

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 11:38

We have a nanny who is on a week's holiday, because it gave her a chance to have leave when MIL was here and could look after bub, so MIL is looking after Bub until nanny gets back on Friday

OP posts:

QS · 14/09/2010 11:38

Just curious AF.

It is a sad situation. They have been with eachother 12 years, and now she comes to blows with both her mil and her husband, at the time when the family need to pull together. There is a new baby, and if you are working and breastfeeding, OP, you must be exhausted! Is this your first?

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 11:40

ah, I see, QS

yes, it's very sad

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 11:43

Yep, this is our first baby.
I am OK, and am grateful that we have a nanny as she is a massive help, but yes I am exhausted and feel like all I do is either pump milk or feed the bub, and it is another hurt to add to the mix, that he shows no admiration or respect for the fact that I worked until I delivered and am back at work now. I just feel like packing up and taking bub back home and going on the dole. I'd be broke but happy.

OP posts:

QS · 14/09/2010 11:45

Are you in the uk? Do you have any family nearby? Or just his?

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 11:49

No, we are not in the UK, we are in a completely foreign country and both families are a major flight away.
His Mum and stepfather have been here for 3 weeks and his stepdad went home last week. His Mum was supposed to sort of be a support for me to go back to work and leave Bub with Nanny etc, to make the transition easier, what a disaster that's turned out to be.
Anyway, I have to get back to work, but just can't concentrate. Thank you for all your input, I will touch base after counselling session and let you know how it goes.

OP posts:

QS · 14/09/2010 11:52

Please report back to us. I hope you manage to get a good outcome.

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 11:53

Will do and thanks again

OP posts:

Taghain · 14/09/2010 12:03

I disagree with most of the posters about the original incident, I think you are over-reacting. If they were close enough to be engaged 12 years ago but broke it off, then there will be a close friendship that's not disloyal to you.

I'm extrapolating, I guess, because my first love / lover and I are still very close friends after 30 years, almost brother and sister. We tell each other everything, flirt a bit, but there's nothing sexual about it and we can provide an sympathetic and independent shoulder to lean on when life's not easy.

So don't worry and go easy is what I'm saying.

PosieParker · 14/09/2010 12:07

A MIL should always take the side of the DIL, doesn't she know that? Stupid woman.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick who is probably suffering from a lack of attention from his wife and looking for affirmation elsewhere.

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