Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

FB messages between husband and his ex

117 replies

overit · 14/09/2010 08:51

I know, I know this is an all too common cliche, but I need some views as to whether I am overreacting (as my husband says I am) or if he has stepped way over the line of respect and decency.
We have an 11 week old baby, and everything has been great, after a couple of years previously of marital stress and turbulence mainly due to country relocation and work stresses. We separated for a couple of months early last year, but thought we were back on track and conceived and now have bub with work situation completely changed.
We got back home from a family holiday with his parents and I opened Facebook, his account was still open and I read the first message, it was from his ex fiance (20 years ago) when he was about 21. I knew they were facebook friends before this.
The messages from him included asking her:
'what indiscretions she had been up to lately', 'nice photo...mmmmmm' and whinging that he was tired because of the baby.
Her replies included that she would love to see a photo and asking if he was going to be in a particular country for work during certain dates, as she was going there on holiday.
Previous messages from her when he told everyone I was pregnant include:'I understand if you don't feel comfortable chatting anymore'.
I went off my brain, he said that he talked to her via messages about our marriage problems etc, but doesn't see anything wrong with what he has written then or recently.
I see this as an act of disloyality to our marriage, a breech of trust and an emotional affair, he says I am a drama queen and he wouldn't care what I wrote to ex boyfriends etc.,
I have no problem with him talking to a male friend or a platonic female friend about us, but I do have a big problem with this covert and flirty talk, am I being a drama queen?
This blew up 10 days ago, I have held it together but told him we need to talk, when I raised it this morning about talking about it, he said he saw no need to talk about it and that I was just picking a sore to cause drama.

OP posts:

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 12:07

Taghain, they broke up 20+years ago, have not had any contact until FB. I have never met her.
Do you ask you first love about his sexual exploits and have whole conversations without your partner knowing the extent and plan to meet up covertly?
I am just asking as I would like to know how your partner reacts.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 12:08

Taghain, its the lying by omission that's a problem too though.

He said she was married, not that she is almost divorced. He also knows it makes her uncomfortable, that alone should be enought o make him stop. If your partner had a problem with you and your ex, perhaps it might feel differently?

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 12:10

I have to laugh at the naivety of some ex partners on here. They boast of their wonderfully deep and lasting friendships with exs, completely oblivious to the hatred of the current partner, and the havoc this 'friendship' can wreak.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 12:11

I hate the way that women who have perfectly above-board relationships with exes come onto these kinds of threads to minimise the hurt and confusion of others

It's akin to someone in a good marriage jumping into a painful conversation about divorce and saying "well my DH is lovely and fab and YABU"

Un-necessary, insensitive and quite often the poster hasn't even read the thread properly

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/09/2010 12:18

Taghain, sorry if I'm mixing you up with another poster, but I thought that this friend of yours that you mention has been a threat to your marriage in the past?

It might help you, OP if you work with this definition of what constitutes an emotional affair:

When there is secrecy, either about the person's existence, the contact with them, or the content of the communication.
When there is sexual chemistry
When the OW/OM knows more about the spousal relationship than the spouse knows about the extra-marital one.

The truth is, if there was nothing sinister in this, he wouldn't have lied to you about her marital status. He told you she was married purely to get you to think this friendship was less threatening than it clearly is. It's not even a lie of omission, it's a downright lie. You are not over-reacting.

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 12:21

WWIFN, thanks, that's what I think as well, otherwise just be straight up about her divorce.

OP posts:

Taghain · 14/09/2010 12:22

Overit, sorry to cause you distress.
My ex and I do discuss our sex lives, but our partners have met us and know that we have met without them - there''s nothing covert.

Sometimes people hide stuff because they know it will be disapproved of. It's weak and foolish, not necessarily a sign of malice or planned infidelity.

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 12:24

I do think he is lying overit, I was just watching my words which is why i said 'by omission'

He is bang out of order, as is his mother. Can he imagine if you were confiding in your ex, about sex life, issues with dh and admiring his photos?

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 12:28

PerfumedLife, I have put this scenario to him, he reckons he wouldn't care, which in itslef might speak volumes about our marriage

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 12:29

I truly do not understand why people discuss their current sex lives with exes

Oversharing anyone ????

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 12:31

There was an old message saying how he hadn't had any in a while, this was when I was in the middle of 24 hour morning sickness.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 12:35

of course he says he wouldn't care if the boot was on the other foot..

it just glosses over his bad behaviour even more, doesn't it ?

nothing like a little self-delusion to ease the path of self-justification and self-entitlement

note the multiple usage of the word self

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 12:38

My dh was divorced when I met him, it was a two year mistake of a marriage resulting in one child. The contact with the ex was at a minimum, but one day i caught him out lying about speaking to her. It wasn't that I thought there was something still there, not atall. He just felt we argued over everything when she called so he preferred not to tell me. Big mistake. I took great pains to explain to him that this was, in effect, colluding with her. She was the type to call me and refer to some invented 'chat' she had with him, all lies but hard for me to be sure if he had form in hiding things.

We got it sorted, after some spag bol hit the wall right enough, but he truly did see why it was so dangerous. And its been great ever since. She still calls with mad accusations now and again but we are impervious to her poison.

The danger for the op is her dh has decided to lie to her and there is no way she can now trust this friendship, even if it is innocent.

Malificence · 14/09/2010 12:39

Then he's a dickhead. When I was flat out with morning (afternoon AND night) sickness, my DH was coming home at lunchtime to give me sips of water and crackers, not moaning that he wasn't getting any.

dittany · 14/09/2010 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/09/2010 12:50

Second dittany's analysis.

On a different note, I have never heard "bub" as a term for baby before - is it new?

Tippychoocks · 14/09/2010 12:54

Elephants, I've heard bubba too. Which makes me think of huge Redneck truck drivers

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 12:56

gah

I thought I was being very stoic in studiously ignoring the bub word

you guys are bringing attention to it again

please don't

Original poster

overit · 14/09/2010 12:58

sorry!! Bub = babeeeee

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 12:58

nikki1978 · 14/09/2010 13:03

I am friends with a few of my exes. One being a long term on off thing who is now married (as am I). DH knows them both and gets on with them. I meet up with them sometimes although usually in groups but DH would be fine if I met them alone. Firstly I would ALWAYS tell DH if I was meeting them, I would NEVER discuss our relationship with them and I would NEVER flirt with them. That is because it is disrespectful plain and simple. Yes are they are only friends now but I used to be intimate with them and it is wrong to not respect that fact. In fact I feel quite uncomfortable if these exes even bring up the fact that we used to be together or something we did when we were. If you can't obey these rules then you can't be friends with your ex plain and simple. To make your spouse anxious like this is so wrong and it is not a question of trust as he is definitely over stepping the mark here!

If your husband can't understand this then you have problems that need to be dealt with. Your MIL needs to bugger off though she is being plain nasty to you and she is supposed to be there supporting you. I would be fuming!

PosieParker · 14/09/2010 13:07

Phew, bub was really annoying me and felt it was very grown up and unMN not to mention it!!

LadySanders · 14/09/2010 13:10

if one of my male friends sent me a FB message saying 'nice photo mmmmm' i would be incredibly uncomfortable and think it totally inappropriate - so i agree with all the others and don't think you're overreacting at all.

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 13:10

That's spot on nikki1978. There is nothing wrong in being friends if all is open and the op acknowledges and is fine with it.

I would curl up and die if i thought my dh was discussing how often we have sex with his ex.

Tippychoocks · 14/09/2010 13:10

I don't dare mention things like that(bub) in case people shout at me for not respecting the poster's feeling or something. I am v.sensitive (and should not be on MN really )
But I did notice

Flip

1 2 3 4 5