Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

Mmmm thats my worry now 'once a cheater - always a cheater' God I must have been so niave to think he would not do it in the first place, you know that ' my husband would never be unfaithful to me' uurghhh - I am angry today.

DH has gone out in a mood becuase in a small row I brought up her name. Tough he ius going to have to hear it if I have to feel it.

i put mine on a pedastal and thought he was a good man and not like others.Just feel like my sense of judgement has been crushed

I think that's a really important point overdraft. I didn't put my dh on a pedastal, as he has always had many faults really (and some really good and valuable traits too). However I did feel that I must have been a really bad judge of charactor to have chosen him in the first place. God we really know how to put ourselves down don't we!

From talking to my dh now, he says that immediately after his affair he was hugely guilty, missing his emotional prop (her), missing my friendship and being scared about the future.

Also he had got out of the habit of thinking about me during his affair (and a bit before too - one of the triggers for the affair).

My dh and I now regularly make each other cry, and I would suggest this is part of the healing process.

But it is all pretty horrible, and there will be times when you will wonder why you are still there.

can I ask what people needed to know and why they felt they needed details?
did it help and if so, why?

DH just doesnt understand - he says that Mon night proved I cant deal with details as by being honest & telling me SHE was in same hotel, I flipped.

I am so confused I dont know whether Im coming or going. DS has tonsilitus and DD not much better so very tired as have been up to kids most of the night for last few nights.

I dont know whether I want to know details or just want him to be more reassuring.

I think I want to leave because Im not sure I can just "put it in a box and move on" as DH suggests. I think that not knowing anything will just eat away at me and I dont see how the trust can be rebuilt.

I think at the moment I am one of the people Olive Oil would like to say "get a grip" (another thread I was reading earlier about what do we think of MNters) and I have to say it does look like I should get a grip...but Im drowning.

MM, I needed to know everything I dont know why I just did. It really bothers me that there are things I dont really know all the dh has said to me I know it all. I dont beleive that I think there are things he has kept back from me which I am sure is because the truth would hurt even more he beleives. I have to accept that there will some things I dont know.

The reason I think I need to know so much about every thing that happened is because when I dont konw I imagine things to be much worse.

I go through what I think I do know in great detail and picute it all in my head - I hope that I will stop doing this in time, its still early days yet and is still quite raw.

The hard thing for you is that your dh sees this women every day and I really think you are an amazing strong person for not phoning her or confronting her - I would have done both. But I think you at least have your pride - I dont know its so hard.

I am talking in riddles here because its so hard to explain but I personally need to know it all. Your husband in my opinion needs to open up more to you and tell you the truth, do you know how it started, who instigated it, where did they go what did they do? does other people at work know about it? Are you curious to see her? I would have to put a face to her? What attracted him to her? there is loads of things I would want to konw.

How did you get on at your councelling session?

Hi disbelief
I dont know how, when or who started it.
I do know they had sex when they were staying in the same hotel BUT I dont know how frequent it was.
He says noone at work knows - he may be right - I expect people are/were suspicious cos I could hear familiarity in a phonecall the weekend I found out.
I DO want to ring her and am even thinking of driving over to the office & demanding she ccome out for lunch.
What stops me is that she may be so attractive that I wont believe he can want to stay. Also it plays into her hand if she is still after him...

I feel sick to my stomach again - Monday was the only day I didnt....we did chat last night - well I asked questions and he just replied by saying such knowledge wouldnt help.
He says hes hurting cos of the pain hes caused me. Whooppee bl##dy do!

he just doesnt want to tell me anything and so how can I make him?
I dont think its cos hes still carrying on with her - he just thinks the more I know, the harder to forget....but as you said, Im just imagining far worse things.

trouble is that my family and my DH all think that you should sweep problems under the carpet & forget about it - but they dont go away, they just fester and you still know they are there dont you....

oh yes, counselling session was awful.
she didnt seem bothered that she hadnt turned up 2 weeks ago.
I didnt feel she was really listening although it could just be that the new situation threw her...but then its her job isnt it.

and to top it all, I arrived without my purse, didnt have time to go home, didnt bother asking her to lend me £1 and so of course had a £60 parking ticket £30 if I pay it within 14 days....

Hi ladies.

My exp had an affair but we didn't get over it.

I just wanted to say though that from what I've read about getting through these things, it is totally natural to want to ask lots and lots of questions and know details. And as you say MM the ONLY way it's going to work is if your dh allows you to ask ANYTHING you want and answers truthfully and openly. That's the only hope you have of re-building trust.

I feel for all of you going through this. I know how much it hurts. We didn't make it - my exp never really wanted to. He paid lip service to it but couldn't even apologise let alone talk about things.

I was on my own for nearly 5 years and felt happier for it. I have now met a lovely man and he is a good one who never makes me cry and that's a first for me. I wish I'd gone for that option long ago!!

hi listmaker
the trouble I have is that until this happened, DH was the one who respected me, stood up for me, never made me cry. He was the first person I could really trust after a couple of bad choice relationships.
thats what hurts so much - that Ive lost that.
he says I havent but seems to think if he says I can trust him, I can now believe him.

oh MM, What a shame about the councelling - could you get another councellor as the one I had was really good and it helped me a great deal - my dh and I went together and it did benefit us both. Do you have to pay for the councelling?

Pay the £30.00 fine asap, i paid one late and then moved address and heard nothing more for six months thinking I had paid it all and then I had the bailiffs turn up at my door looking for £450.00

Do you know what car she drives could you wait outside and see her come out of the office and watch her from afar?

When I saw her I was shocked to see how attractive she was! but I am still glad to have seen her.

I think now that I will look at the relationship totally different going forward. I will not be as committed as I was and if oppurtunities arise then who knows but I doubt I will feel that I owe my dh anything now. Saying that though I dont want to go through life being unfaithful myself but who knows if a mr better came along!

I needed to know everything, the where, why, how, was it any good, was it in our bed, when our kids were here etc etc.

He answered all my questions and reassures me when i doubt what he's telling me, like today he left 45 mins early for work as he wanted to call in a shop and get something to connect new car stereo. I said it was too early to go and was he going to behave himself? I really wish i could stop asking stupid questions and trust him coz gut feeling is he wouldn't do this again, but hey I never thought he would do it in the first place.

I think the needing to kno wis part of the healing process but like i've always said i can deal with what I know it's lying and having to imagine the worst i can't deal with

Oh MM that must make it even worse. I think if my current dp was unfaithful I really would give up all hope and on love completely which would be awful. But he was completely faithful to his exw for 26 years so I'm hopeful that we can do the same! Well by then we'd be into our sixties and seventies so he should be faithful by then!!

I hope he changed his attitude a bit over time and that you can make it and re-build the relationship.

My dh swears on his dying oath that they did not have sex, he says that they did book into a hotel but got drunk in the bar and the two of them fell straight to sleep when they went to bed and nothing happened and in the morning they had to get up at the crack of dawn for work as much as i would love to believe this I cannot. We have gone over it a thousand times and he swears that they did not have sex - what would you think???

pull the other one is what I would say

so would I_ sorry but he's lying. they are good at that and it's a denial thing.
My Dh lead me to believe that the relationship hadn't gone far when he first told me about it. I believed hin- I'd never had any reason in our 20 years together not to- he said later he was afraid to tell the whole truth then and he was denying what he'd done (to himself) When he eventually told me -they'd been meeting in motels middle of the day etc for several weeks- he almost couldn't belive I didn;'t realise how far the relationship had got! the worst thing is you then beat yourself up for not knowing it was going on and then I felt I had "mug" written across my forehead when I realsied he was lying to me even at the point of telling me there was something going on!!!!!!!!In many ways that deception hurt the most as by then I knew we had a problem and I thought we were working on it together. It was only when he "woke up" to losing me that he actually started to be totally honest and answer all my questions. Yes I needed to know details- I think it is all part of wanting some control over the situation- you can then piece together the bits of the jigsaw and so many things fell into place. It hurt to hear the details but the not knowing, the lying the being left out hurt so much more, so I do think it is part of the healing process. i also think your DH is not trying to protect you by not giving the info he's trying to protect himself. when he is in front of you telling you details then it's no longe a fantasy relationship that's not in the real world- it's reality and the reality is ugly- he cheated on his wife and kids, didn't give a damn at the time , just persued his own needs and desires and yet he wants his nice home and family too!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to be so blunt but that's the reality, and was so for my dh- so if he tryely wants to keep you - tough he has to take the pain of facing you with the truth and recognising it will hurt you before it makes you better but no more secrets- it's the only way.
As for counsellors- don't give up- I went to a couple before I found one I felt was "in touch" with me- it's such a personal thing, find someone else - you need help for just you!

me again- just re read posts and Mrsmiggins you can't "put it in a box and move on" ( when you get a decent counsellor they'll tell you that). You have to get it out of the box and examine it, then put it away for a while and move a tiny stepon, then get it out agin etc etc it's a long process but it works if you both go along with it. he wants to shut the lid forever- of course he was an B***d , a lier a cheat etc etc and getting it out the box reminds him of that. however he will find in time it will find it's own way out in other aspects of his life unless he deals with this now. We have been there and still are getting it "out of the box" every so often , 2 years on. But we are still together and stronger for it.

well I went out last night with the girls and quite enjoyed it. I was even quite forceful and said no to a couple of things that usually Id have just agreed to and then regreted it later.

Maturer - I know youre right about putting it in a box. My counsellor said as much on Tuesday. She said that things that have happened in my past have always been put in a box and have obviously affected me. She said I need to deal with this and so does DH. Going to tell him tonight Ive spoken to our minister and that he should speak to him too by himself. Maybe he will be able to make him see that we cant just ignore this.
I think I may aslo be entering the angry stage. The most frightening thing is that I still dont know whether or not we'll stay together as I feel that if he doesnt oipen up, I may just say forget it...as much as I love him.

I gave him a book from Relate to take away Monday night but I dont expect he read it. He was in all last night by himself and could have read the letter Ive written, but again I dont expect he bothered.

disbeif
Really sorry i would not beleive that either. if i wanted someone so bad enough to book a room i would not let it go without having sex.As maturer says he is trying to protect you and is scared he will lose you.
My dh took a day to admit to me how far it had gone as i thought it was texting at first and the odd meeting.He told me he waited until i was asleep and her husband was out and went to hers for sex.I will never forget the feeling inside my stomach when he told me i felt sick sick sick.
Will he lose you if you found out for sure?

Hi overdraft, No he wont - I know anyway I just need him to admit it. Although my friend has said do I really need him to say it to move on. I dont know. I know that feeling in your stomach of being sick when he admited that they booked into the hotel I thought my insides were going to drop from mem that awful feeing of pure shock and horror.

God yeah! I remember the feeling of total sickness on finding it out. My exp also lied for the first few days - said it was just lunch etc and nothing had happened and I had to humiliate myself by phoning a friend he had said he was staying with to get the confirmation I needed that he was staying the night with her. They lie to salvage their consciences and because they think it will hurt us less. But treating us like idiots is even more insulting!

I also cannot believe for a minute that they booked a room (after presumably a long time flirting and building up to it) and then got too drunk to do anything???? That is just totally unbelievable and I'd be fuming that he thought you should swallow such rubbish.

I've had affairs (I know, I know not proud) and we would grab every second we could to sh*g. Alcohol came a very poor second in our priorities!

I ended up driving to the train station today as he said he was off to London. Drove round the car park twice as couldnt see his car - felt so sick....then found it tucked away in the corner. This woman saw me walking round & round & must have wondered what I was doing.
Have so far managed NOT to ring HER to check shes in the office.

driving me mad

"get a grip" MrsMiggins

disbelief
I think Listmaker is right - they say that by hiding the truth they are protecting us but really its to protect themselves.
depends how open your DH is being
mine is a closed book and told me theres no way for me to make him tell me - I guess I could ring her - perhaps I should do that.
whats the worst he can do - leave?
At this moment Im thinking of telling him to p#ss off anyway as he seems to be taking no notice of what I want or even making any moves to meet me halfway

god Im so annoyed now - have you seen the other "affairs" thread

poor person

Mrs M - For the first time you since talking to you in this thread you have made me laugh. Following on from your last message about other threads I went and had a quick look. That new thread that started this afternoon and it has 146 posts already that must be a record. I am at work now and cant really read it so I will print it off and read it later.

how are you anyway? I would phone to see if shes there or not, its probably too late now anyway? You have the patience of a saint

Sorry - Have just read a bit more of playing aways thread and when I read |Isabelle2 comment it nearly made me cry - a bit all over the place.

Its a very dangerous game to play and unfortunelty its the innocent party that hurts the most from it.