Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

MM, if it's tormenting you then it may be worth doing something about seeing or contacting her. It wasn't something that I wanted to do, but I had already met her, so I knew what she looked like, and what sort of person she was (and I don't just mean "the whore who slept with my husband" sort of thing, but an idea of what made her tick). I can't say whether it will make it better for you, but it might help with the whole stopping imagining and starting knowing bit. My dh didn't say much about it for a good few months, and then some of the telling was a bit spiteful, to be honest. I guess it helped, but to be honest, I think I was mostly just glad he was talking to me again, like we did when we were still best friends.

Do find another counsellor, and best of luck with your decision making (and I hope your little ones are feeling better too!)

MrsMiggins,
reading back through this thread it strikes me that your dh is just not taking any responsibility for his actions. perhaps he needs a strong injection of reality? I did go and see her and got involved in parts of her life- to make me real and to make the "fantasy world" of the affair exposed for exactly that- not reality, not true love and respect you get from a long term relationship. It is entirely your move now- and you know you may be risking things to make contact with her but you are in limbo now and he is taking too long to wake up! Perhaps seeing her will bring reality into and into it for him. At the moment his 2 worlds are seperate he's doing the old "box/lid" thing and expecting you- no making you feel guilty for not doing the same thing! he's protecting himself not you, for to face upti reality exposes a -not a very nice person -at the moment! You must get communicating honey or this will fester forever and you will never be able to move on and if forcing the issue by doing something drastic- e.g like going to see her is theway then go for it! However I do understand you are probably afraid of losing him (for the sake of what you've had for so many years) but you just get to a point where you can't live in this "no mans land" anylonger- good luck

hi all
Yesterday i felt like it all happened yesterday and couldn't post.I got a call from relate and am starting sessions today.I have seen the bitch already this morning, she was standing outside our house as i got back from the school run.I am sorry but i think there is no bloody need to do that and it is winding me up.It has a knock on effect though we were up till 1 am talking and crying then when i saw her again this morning i rang dh up at work and took it out on him.
I feel so bloody angry that i am living here on my own and seeing her at least 3 times a day.

I got really upset last night with him.
Asked him why he wont tell me anything - same old truth will destroy me (as if not knowing isnt too)
Told him Im the one driving along & then suddenly crying cos a memory has been spoilt or I remember a time when he was cold towards me.

I think he is scared that any info will be too much and that one question will lead to another & another etc.
He says we cant talk about it every night else we wont move on.

I feel that we are closer & ahppier in one respect than for a long time BUT theres this big hole where he disappeared and I want to know whats in there. I told him I feel she has info that I dont have but he doesnt see that.

To be honest my gut feeling is thats its been going on a lot long than I think and that is what hes protecting. My 2nd child is 16 mths and he has said that WE (but I was) werent happy before she was born.

I think the only reason I want to see her is to see if it really is over between them. He says it was just fun - we werent having fun so he found it elsewhere. WHy would she have txt him saying "Luv u"
THat sounds like a lot more than just fun.

He says hes embarrassed which is why he doesnt want to talk about it and says he feels guilty for the hurt he can see he has caused. I told him Id driven to the station looking for his car. He got all his train tickets out to show me he had been to London. He just doesnt get it - that just cos now he says I can trust him, Im supposed to believe him when hes been lying for so long.

I think you're right though Maturer - I am still scared of losing him whereas from where Im standing, hes not scared that Im going to kick him out. His talk is all "youve got to move on otherwise it will destroy us" or words to that effect....

the saddest thing about that other thread is that I actually felt exactly the same is PlayingAway and Toothache except it was my DH who had the affair.

I need to build up my self-esteem which I seemed to have lost this year....

she was chatting with another mother.Hey call me old fashioned but if i had done that i would not be flaunting myself and rubbing the other persons nose in it.Then again i wouldn't be the sort of woman that could go all out to pinch someone elses husband.Makes me bloody sick.I haven't felt this agry for a while.I am not looking forward to relate either i know it is gonna be hard work and draining.I am so tired of all this now i feel like i could explode

she was chatting with another mother.Hey call me old fashioned but if i had done that i would not be flaunting myself and rubbing the other persons nose in it.Then again i wouldn't be the sort of woman that could go all out to pinch someone elses husband.Makes me bloody sick.I haven't felt this agry for a while.I am not looking forward to relate either i know it is gonna be hard work and draining.I am so tired of all this now i feel like i could explode

MM i felt like playing away too a bit but some of us are able to stick it out and work at it.The reason i could is because i come from a broken home and know first hand what the fall out would be.I love dh so much i would never want to put him through that.We talked about this last night too.Dh has been brought up by both loving parents had mostly what he wanted,they supported him no matter what.This in turn has made him selfish.He has never been alould to suffer consequenses for anything he has done (they are still bailing him out now).He had a very loving wife,sex on tap,nice home and he still had an affair.
The thing is if you face hard times in your life it makes you appreciate the things you have and he just didn't.

Oh well overdraft that makes two of us. I've upset those on the other thread but they really have no idea.

Had our meeting yesterday and wonderful they paying me for 6 months to do exactly nothing but the consequences of that are that we have to worship somewhere else. We can't go to the church at all. I can't go to parent and toddlers, where my friends and babies friends are. I feel like whole world has been ripped from under my feet AGAIN. I am so angry and upset, when he gets in from work I think i going to tell him that if he's got any second thoughts at all then there's the door coz i really can't take anymore pain or hurt

Overdraft hope today goes ok for you and maybe this is the begining of the rest of your life for the better

its very hard to love someone and work through it when your bloody world has been knocked kath isn't it? I think we are feeling it to because it was with someone we knew and knew we existed and i too have got to move house,Children changing schools,face people that are gossiping about me now and all because he couldn't control his dick.Last night he said it was because she offered it and it was someone different fancied him.I am so sorry perhaps i should have put a wig and glasses on and met him in a car park?

I don't think people can begin to imagine the pain unless they have been there. All i can say is Aghhhhhhhhh.

Now i can't find dd shoe and i'm trying to go out. Why is the whole world against me?

Mrsmiggins- be quite clear on this, what will destroy you are the secrets, lies and deception and him not facing the present just wanting to put it behind him without trying to work out why. You are not the problem- he created it and he's not dealing with it!
K4K- you sound really down- I'll try catch you later for a chat. How dare they tell you where you can and cannot worship!! Is that what "God" is about- selective- only for those who are "being good" I think not! I'm angry for you.

Message withdrawn

Mrs M, are you going to counselling as a couple? My h had an affair - left me etc, realise you're not in that situation, but until we could communicate re issues properly - which counselling helped us to do - we could never move on. My h kept saying at one point that going over old ground just kept it fresh in our memories and meant we couldn't move on. But the counsellor helped him to understand that talking about things helps resolve issues in many ways.

overdraft - wonder whether thats the same for DH - he is definitely spoilt - northern son who can do no wrong & is apple of everyones eye.
Rather than face the problem he decided to have fun elsewhere - he couldnt and didnt want to deal with my depression and so blamed me for us being miserable.

Kath4Kids - Im angry and shocked that your church is treating you like this. My minister has been brilliant and is definitely not taking sides - he wants to talk to DH by himself to let him share is thoughts etc without me hearing, and then has offered to help us a couple. I havent told DH this but will do tonight.

as for keeping secrets, b4 I found out I was discussing trust issues with my counsellor and from things in my past we realised that I have been brought up to sweep things under the carpet and ignore them...and it is coming back to haunt me now....so I realise that this affair will too unless we discuss things. He is soooo closed though - keeps telling me there is no way for me to make him tell me.

Im sure he thinks all is ok after our chat last night.
he is an arse but I love him and dont want to give up on us yet. I do think he is scared cos I said several things last niht that he looked surprised at....

disbelief, yes, that was what was so strange, that i wanted so much to not like her and i think had thought same, but in another life i would have got on really well with her. made me sadder in some ways because i could imagine my dh getting on with her and being close to her.

to the title - can you really get over it. i am self destructing our relationship since i found out. the first month after i found out was easier. now, its all falling down

gravity- it gets worse before it gets better IF that's what you want it to do. I'm 1 1/2 years on from finding out about my dh affair and we are together and very much healing and getting closer and stronger. I know those feelings of destruction- I felt them immediately and I could see how they would finish us off (don't forget HE was the cause of the problem)I found a counsellor - just for me- to help me safely vent all the feelings and to help me get clear in my head what I wanted out of the situation.I can see how quickly the pain turns to anger and even hate- IF you want to fight for your relationship you both have to start communicating and try and understand why the affair happened. You have to get all the details out and look closely then look at what you had before and what you want for the future. We found the affair was not actually about our relationship (it was my DH reacting to other major issues in his life and quite simply he "lost the plot" for a time) He's back now- to the man I loved for so many years but that only happened when he began to be completely honest with me and indeed me with him about how I was feeling. You can get through this- you can make it work - it takes time and pain but IF you want this you can do it. Keep talking- you can see there are lots of people experiencing the same thing, they can be a geat support. I Know.

why do i feel if i am the one losing the plot, maturer? i am so angry at him for everything. i guess mainly i see he just wants to put this behind us. i want im to be more understanding of me, more aware of what he jeopardised. i want to hurt him as he has me. i dont know what i want. i sound like a self centred creature. listen to me. i want i want. am i depressed? am i going stark raving crazy? you said exactly all i wish for. the man i fell in love with back. the way i am carrying on i can only drive him to do this again. its like i'm possessed.

Gravity

• you are not going mad but I completely remember that feeling in the first few months - I too felt that way. You have had your workld pulled out from under you and it hasn't stopped shifting yet. I urge you to read through the contributions to this thread many women are feeling the same- you are normal and your dh reaction is so typical!!!! I'm starting to think they get an instruction book on how to have an affair as so many of the things all these dh's say and do are so classic! they all want to forget about it , move on of course they do - they were B***ds lying, cheating decieving and now they are found out they can't (as yet) face what sort of a person they've been recently. you are on an emotional roller coaster, you are desperately trying to hold onto the love and the goodness you had with your dh for X years but you can't believe what he's done - how could he the man who is supposed to love YOU more than anyone else in the world- how could he actually do what he did? Yet you are also hurt and angry and quite frankly in shock at the moment. Can you talk to anyone? can you get help for you? Do not feel you are the problem now- so many men in this situation do not understand that going though the details, again and agin is the process to healing. yes it hurts and it will cause apin to do so- they think they are protecting you by not talking but they are just really trying to protect themselves from what they've done! My dh was the same for the first few months- he did eventually wake up and got some counselling and realised you have to keep talking about it or it will fester and kill your relationship. Honey please believe you can get through this- you are reacting just like loads of others have - read this thread-I can recommend a good book "After the affair" by Julia Cole (it helped both of us and back on this thread ( I think it was overdraft) gave a link to an excellent article about affairs called "shattered vows". the problem at the moment is you have no control- you feel overwhelmmed- get information, start to try and understand then you start to get a little control back. keep talking- we are here.

thank you so maturer. my god you know how i feel. what a relief. i must go to work at moment. but please stay tuned. i have very few people i can talk to. dh is well known where i am and it isnt "correct" to discuss with people we "know". its hard for me to have real friends. its so bloody hard. i so wish i didnt love him so. he doesnt deserve it - tho he also doesnt deserve my erratic behaviour at moment. please stay close. xox

gravity- will try and catch you this eve if poss. The good thing about MN is it is annonymous so if you don't want others to know (and I understand that) you can talk freely here. You will find others when they read this will let you know they are feeling the same. Mrsmiggins, disbelief, kath4kids, overdraft etc are just afew of the recent "victims" of affairs. It all seems so black and white when you talk about it happening to someone else- "how dare he, kick him out ...etc" but when it's your dh, your soulmate, your best friend it's not it's very grey. you are strong- you are still there and you still have love in your heart. I hope i don't sound as though I'm preaching, or i know it all- everyones situation is slightly different BUT I have been through it and feel am coming out the other side. i strongly believe if you feel what you had before was good then fight for it- you can get it back- not the same-different and I have to say in some respects better, stronger! i guess i just want to give you hope as I (and many others) KNOW the true despair you are feeling now. take care of yourself catch you later.

gravity - you sound just like me - will try to chat later if you#re around or tom or even Monday

Maturer & loads of others have good advice - you are not alone

dont give up - Ive had a crap day even though DH clearly thinks its been good - only reason been crap is cos I deliberatly didnt mention the affair last night & went ot bed early instead....so I feel crap & DH feels great !!

Hi

I have been reading this thread every day and thought I should start posting as I am going through the same emotions

My dh had an affair 2 months ago. I posted a thread at the time and Maturer really helped me sort through my many emotions.

My dh had met her one month previously and I noticed a change within a few days, don't ask me what, as I still can't put my finger on her. They didn't have sex that night but met up a month later. I found very long email back an forth on my dh account 4 days later (as I say I had been suspicious for a while) and confronted him.

He said I was never meant to find out or to get hurt. At the time he says he loved her but has now said it was infatuation.

We were both working very hard and had forgotten about each others needs. This doesn't excuse what he did.

We have now made many changes in our relationship and are getting on very well. My problem is that I am now very insecure in our relationship and question my dh all the time. He is being very good and is now very attentive to my needs, but I still wonder how he could do something like this to me.

Every morning I wake up the first thing on my mind is the affair and it still occupies a lot of my thoughts. I wish I could change that.

I hoping with time I will feel more secure

Sorry about rambling but had to post

Hello decieved, nice to hear from you- wondered where you'd gone. good to hear you are still working at it and he's woken up a bit now!
They all talk about love when what it really is is lust- infatuation- ego boost. What they experience in an affair is very exciting but not real- it's a little fantasy world, an escape from something of reality they are wanting to escape (but probably don't know what).
It is still very raw for you. I remember thinking "am I mad- every day the first thought in my head is their affair and the last at night". Then suddenly one day it was mid morning before i thought about it, then a while later a day had gone by and I hadn't thought about it. The point is TIME does heal. When my dh and I talk about it now (we still have to open the box every so often) he says he thinks I think more about her now than he ever did! In a way he's right because I still can't believe at times it happened and that this "stranger" pulled my life apart (don't get me wrong- my DH takes the lion share of the blame but I never even knew she existed and then BOOM!)
Most of the time now I can talk about it without getting upset and I have learned a lot about myself and how I deal with trauma.
the common theme is the men just want to forget (after all to remember is to look at a person they don't like to think they were)and the wife wants to talk about it. I think it is the only way to move on- you do reach a point where you get bored of talkiing about it but not until you've reached some conclusions about how/why it happened.
you've done all the right things by the sound of it decieved- made changes, made time for each other and talked. You will wake up one day and it won't be the first thought in your head - believe me. Keep in touch.