Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

waiting for an exchange date now.This is the hardest time in my whole life and i really don't know how i am keeping it together.Belive me i spent weeks calling her a slut every time she put her washing out or walked past me in the street,ripped up her bin bags.I am not giving her more slaps because

1. don't want her husband to get anoyed with me 2.don't want to be in trouble with the law 3.I am trying to think of something that i can do

Overdraft - why dont you want her husband to get annoyed with you? Was he annoyed with her?

Let me know if you come up with a good idea for some form of revenge - I keep racking my brain but cant think of anything much to my annoyance.

Because i am moving house and want to keep him on side.I know it pss her of that we talk.And also i have asked him not to hit dh now for my sake and the childrens ( he can be a bully).
She was in love with my dh and thought he would give her a better life.Last week he came in mine when i knew she was in and we had sex.He had to go back to work so i made sure i walked out to the car with big smiles,kissing him goodbye and doing up my clothes.Thought that might do it.

that was sex with my dh not hers

often thought of ring her mobile with his behind a cuchion or something and getting him to tell me again about what a mistake she had been and that he loves me so much bla bla. What about writing her a letter?

that would be so she would listen on the other end.Didn't explain well did i

No - Ive thought of that but no - I dont know. I jsut want to bump into her - No I just want to stop thhinking about her and get over it. This drives me mad. I bet it does not take over dh mind all day every day its as if they can forget about it whilst I am obsessing about it.

Hi all,
I did go and see her a couple of times. For me it was all part of taking control and making me a real person to her. I ended up seeing her parents and on another occassion " counselling" her dh who was very very jealous and mixed up by then. At that stage we were working together, my dh had finally got it into his head he couldn't help her and still have me-she was nt going away and still trying to keep secrets and decieve. The last time I saw her, she lied through her teeth to me- it was her last deperate attempt to split us up- I'm sure she thought i'd kick him out (she maintained they were still having a torrid affair! but the dates details didn't add up- I knew she was lying) In many ways it was the nail in her own coffin because it made my dh realise just how selfish she was. Anyway every time I met her I was civilised, firm and honest- I knew I had no reason to stoop as low as they'd gone and was abetter person than her. She really was a sad, lonely woman with an insecure dh and not much in her life to enrich it. She saw the life we had and quite simply thought she could have it!
The one thing that meeting does is to make the "fantasy" of the affair so real it loses any appeal rapidly and you are a person there in front of them (not just the little wife in the background) I felt better for all the meetings I had with her and her family as I made sure there were no chances of any more secrets.

hello

nice to hear from you all & see how well you're doing. Still cant believe Kath4Kids HUGGED HER - not sure I could !!

had a good weekend
DH very attentive & affectionate & reassuring
went out for meal Sat night which was great AND we talked about things...well briefly

today had a hard day as both DS & DD poorly but was first time since found out that I didnt feel sick all day and was feeling quite positive

then DH rang - staying away tonight at other office. clients from abroad staying in same hotel. "so you the only one down tonight?" I asked thinking the answer would be yes.
"Male collegue and HER coming down later"

just had awful phone call - me crying, him trying to be reasssuring AND I have to say that he said all the right things which a month again he would have turned into me being paranoid and aggressive
BUT the fact remains that tonight, SHE is at best staying in the same hotel, and at worst, going out to restaurant with him and some others.

Yes, I knew this could happen but he just seems to shrug his shoulders and think whats the big deal.
I explained that because he wont talk detail, I dont know what to think.
Was their relationship so trivial that they can just both forget it or is someone lying? either her to him (that shes not bothered when she is) or him to me

Worse still, we were talking about moving to this other area, and SHE has been offered a job there too !!!!
So we cant even move to get away from HER.

I have her number and SOOOOOO want to ring her but I know I cant.

so f#cked off (sorry to swear but I am)

oh MM if only relationships weren't so complicated then it would be so much easier to get over. It seems that they either work with them, are neighbours, or were friends. Don't know if it would be easier to deal with if it was a person they recently met.

I hugged the other woman because i knew that as a person she is so confused, messed up that she really needs to sort herself out. I had invested so much time and effort into her that i cannot believe that she would betray me in such a way. But that does not change the fact that she was a friend, someone who i enjoyed spending time with. I really think she is on a self destruct mission but don't know why she had to do this to us.

MrsM - you poor thing, I am not the best person to give advise because if I were you I would have spoken to her by now and it would not have been pleasantries. What do you mean she has been offered a job there as well, is it for a different company that they both work for now?? Have I missed something in a previous thread?

I dont know what to say to you about them possibly having dinner as part of a group tonight only i would friek. At least he is starting to say and do the right things to you now. He just needs to get a different job away from that company where she is. Simple as that in my eyes, and any inconvenience to him and his career is tough he has brought it on himself.

Good luck and be strong.

Kath4kids - I still cant understand you hugging her and understanding her - maybe its me but I would have be headed her.

Hi Disbelief
they work for a company that has several offices in different locations over the country
lets just say we live 1 hr 40 mins from one, and 2 1/2 hrs from the other. DH drives home from the nearest, and stays over if at the other.
SHE lives in the 1 hr 40 mins one but has been offered job at the other one, where we have been thinking of moving to.
Great.
Why cant he see the bigger picture?

If I had somewhere to go (family all live locally) I would go tonight cos Im just so fed up to think they are in the same hotel or eating together.

have just txt him to ask if SHE has arrived - no reply

MM i just don't know what to say to make you feel at ease. I don't think i could cope if i knew he woudl see her even if it were on business terms.

And I don't know how i could understand her or hug her either. i thought that i would delight in seeing her suffer and believe me she looked a destroyed person but i just felt sorry for her she only had 2 friends and she has lost both of them. She is in a loveless marriage and has a son who at 14 is growing increasingly independant and doesn't need her. But thats not my fault i wish i could hate her but i cant

the thing is he is telling me things that a month ago he would not have said so in that respect he is trying.... but why cant he see how sh't it is for me?
Im here at home with our 2 kids (both of whom are ill) and he is in a hotel being wined and dined with HER.
Have just sent him a txt saying if eh doesnt reply Im ringing her - I have her mobile number
To be honest, I would rather leave and have him come home to an empty house.

MM how are you this morning ?

OK....he rang soon after I wrote the last post. I had a rant at him about the situation and even said that if I had somewhere to go, I would leave so he came home to an empty house. He said she hadnt arrived in time for the meal. I have to say that my gut instinct is that its over because he is making an effort BUT Ive explained that him saying "its all in the past lets move on" is all well & good but I still need to know things....like how often, how much he felt for her.
He says he's hurting too but to be honest, and Id like someone who's been in DH situation to explain why hes hurting cos I just cant see it.
Either hes hurting cos he misses her or hes hurting cos he can see how much hes hurt me.
Either way I dont feel sorry for him cos he did it to us.

off to see counsellor today
not seen her since all this came out

Glad he rang you. did he tak about what was bothering him before all this?

if you mean ddoes he talk about his feelings, no. He said he was hurting too but didnt elaborate why...having said that, he rang me from the restaurant while he was paying the bill so couldnt really talk.
coming home tonight but Im meant to be going out which means Id see him for about 20 mins and then in bed.
I dont want to go out cos would rather be with him after last night but there again I havent been to branch NCT meeting for months so would feel guilty if I dont go

maybe he will start to open up - maybe he realises Im not going anywhere - I think at first he was trying to control the situation cos he thought I was going to kick him out.

thats our problem in a nutshell - WE CANT COMMUNICATE !!

Wish i could come around and give him a shake myself.is there anyone he respects that you both know that can talk to him .Hope you get on alright today

well I have spoken to our minister about it and he has said he wants to speak to DH by himself - might work....he didnt spout religion at me (just a little pray before he left) and I think that DH may talk to him.
will see what he says tonight

I really admire you lot for getting so far - its only been 4 weeks for me and seems so raw....I feel numb and had such a bad sleep last night - terrible dreams & couldnt get back to sleep once woke at 4am by crying DD....hard enough when kids are ill isnt it

oh well
off to take out my frustrations on the garden

MM all the things you are feeling are normal. Well I hope so as I have felt the same, had the nightmares and the sleepless nights, the worry, the wondering at how he could be hurting, but tbh i think there is probably something there that he's not telling you. When my husband finally owned up to what was bthering him i was gobsmaked to say the least as it's something he has kept buried for 22 yrs.

Don't give up hope, but somehow you need to get some help in how to communicate as do we.

Hope the garden looks lovely. Really sunny here

What your feeling MM is normal I think, after 8/9 weeks I think I am doing great and that its behind us but I am just going through his phone bill from when the contact first started between them and it hurts like hell. I dont care what they have going on in their heads they should talk to us about it and not go off with someone else and then when they realise what they have done they are sorry. What a bloody shame for them what about us. We do not deserve this kind of treatment and betrayal. How bloody dare they.

I guess you can tell I am angry again.

guess we are all normal then.I myself go from feeling sorry for him and thinking yes we are doing fine and get through this and then to feeling as you do disbelief peed off to say the least that he could do something so bloody selfish.It hurts at the end off the day that he gave so little about me and the kids that he had to screw someone who is not as sexy as me,is unatractive and not half the woman i am (belive me i am honest enough to say if she was).we all feel bloody feed up but why go screw someone else? When i am feeling positive i just want to look to the future.
I said to dh that we have to start again from scratch but with history if you know what i mean.Trouble is if i met him and knew that he had sh*t on his last wife i wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.I guess we all have a mixed bag of emotions.I do think that spidermamas is an insperation though and we are all feeling so raw at the moment.
Can't belive the amount of us going through this at the moment perhaps they need a I've been betrayed topic

I agree Ouverdraft.
DH's previous girlfriend was unfaithful (a little fling) but he wouldnt take her back - said loyalty & faithfulness was v important.
That was one of the traits I liked about him - it was especially important to me because of my previous relationships.
If I meant him now & found out he was divorced owing to an affair, Id think twice.

hes home early tonight which is nice but still peed off at the hotel last night

some talking needs to be done tonight
dont know why we're so crap at communicating - I guess that until we hit trouble, we didnt really argue and so didnt learn how to solve problems
Sounds stupid but we're not all talkers

i know it sounds harsh but my belief is ' once a cheater, always a cheater' i understand that it has to be a really difficult decision to have to make esp as you are married but you have to do what is best for you as he is the one in the wrong! do you feel like you can ever trust him again?? if not then it may be time to step back from him and let him do the begging etc. im so sorry your going through this as i know from experience how hard it is to try and make a relationship work only for it to crumble into another womans bed iykwim. you deserve the best in life and if he isnt offering you this then tell him to shove off!! (in the nicest possible way of course)
a friend once said to me 'any man who makes you cry is not worth your tears...' i try and keep that in mind when it comes to men nowadays (have got a lovely dp who rarely gives me a reason to cry- its his family that iv gotta watch out for!!)