Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

My DH did cease contact straight away, albeit that he saw her every day - being she was a neighbour. She used to approach him at the school too trying to get him to run off with her, but he would come home and tell me what was said and also if she had phoned him - he couldn't change his number as it was a business one. He used to say how much he actually disliked her afterwards and that she was a looney bin - she was defo no oil painting which some how made me feel inadequate as to what the attraction was in the first place. It's certainly an episode I would not want to go through again but it has made me a stronger person - but somewhat cautious too.

Hmm... he does. He has just told me that he wants to emigrate!

nooka do i take it then that he wants to emigrate without you? If so does he not realise that his problems would not go away, he would have the same problems but in a different country with no support network. What on earth are men on sometimes?

I think he finds it hard to cope with his own expectations of how he should be with me. Thinks that because he's not being as supportive and interested in me, that he is a failure, and can't possibly be loving me in the same way I love him. He has also had some very happy times in the country where he wants to go, so I think he thinks he could make a new start. Personally I think he is depressed, and that seeing a therapist/counselor might help him put himself back together again. The emigration thing takes two years, so there is plenty of time for reflection. however if it's what he wants and if it could make him happier then I will support him (although I am very definitely staying put)

Over2boo, its really sad to hear your story and the pain you went through. It is supportive to no though that it is usual for an affair to have such a lasting effect on a marriage. So many people seem to presume that it just gets forgotten.
Overdraft, thanks for posting that article. I found it really interesting , i think my dh did too! Sorry, what you said about your mil made me smile as mine was exactly the same. I am beginning to not hold it against her now (16 months later!) but i will never think of her in the same way. It seemed to my fault, she seemed to think my dh had been through such an ordeal, and really could not see why it bothered me and why i couldn't just sweep it under the carpet and look after him! looking back is quite amusing but at the time i was gobsmacked.
disbelief, my dh never saw her again. but i think i feel like i'll never know that for certain, so i guess either way you can't win.

GB it's interesting what you say about MIL as mine was the opposite. She and my dh's sister were the most condeming of what he did and were furious with him for the way he treated me and the kids (as they saw it). Anyway they have since cleared the air and admitted that they put him on a bit of a pedestal- he'd always been the strong one, the one to turn to for advice, I think they found it hard to realise he could make such a big mistake. It also helped that we all get on so well, they adore the kids ans couldn't begin to understand how he got himself in such a position as he had evrything he wanted with me and the kids. He knows that now (and knew it for most of the time before he "lost the plot")it does scare me a bit how easy it is to get lost and make the wrong decisions in life that could have cost everything!
Mrs M how are you? Disbelief- how's it going?

something strange happened to me on thursday.I got in at lunch time and i got a phone call from someone claiming to have my mobile phone.I checked my pocket and had it on me .The woman said "well i am ringing you from it and it has home on it" i then asked her what other numbers it had on it then realised that it was the bitches phone(next doors).I went around to collect it.Got home and sat with it in my hand wondering what to do.I took a deep breath and text my husband tellling him that she missed him and how i wouldn't find out this time.I sat and waited for 5 mins and then to my delight he text her back telling her to go away as he was with me and loved me and never wanted to see her again.I reckon it must have been fate i am on cloud nine
A ggod sign I reckon.I did tell him i had done it too as i wanted to know and he didn't mind one bit.We have just had a great week end together.How are you all today?

Ahh, that's a lovely story overdraft! I seem to be back in meltdown phase again, as dh is now adamant that he can never be good enough, and is serious about emigration. I just can't get him to see that he needs to resolve his problems before he makes such a big decision (although it does take two years to get clearance). So we are flat hunting. It's depressing but maybe I need to accept that I'm just not going to fix him enough to make it work. Ironically we are now getting on much better, and I think we probably can work out better arrangements as a separated family than we have been able to together for years.

The only thing I really dread (apart from a bit of loneliness) is telling my mother. She will be very supportive, but she will push and push to try and get us to work things out, and I just know that it will stress me out.

Hi all, Overdraft I bet your heart was in your mouth waiting for his reply. What a releif for you to know that he definetly does not want her.

I seem to be totally obsessing about it all, going over and over and over it in my mind, all the dates times putting together all the pieces. Shouldn't I be putting it out of my mind a bit now. DH is doing all the practical things to show that he is trying to make amends which I do really appreciate but when it comes to be affectionate he is totally lacking. He says that it is just not him to be affectionate and show that he cares by touching and hugging.

I keep checking his phone and have found nothing and my gut feeling is that I wont.

Is it normal to want to come face to face with her to confront her about it all,, I keep going through in my mind what I would say to her if I met her and the chances of that happening are practically nil. I am still angry with both of them but find that I am putting on a brave face and its as if its all forgotton about from dh perspective. I dont know just feeling really mixed up but then it has only been 9/10 weeks since it all came out.

How are you all and how are you Mrs Miggins have not heard from you for a while are you ok???

One other thing - Do any of you who have been in this situation ever think of getting revenge by shagging someene else? Or have you done it and does it make you feel better?

disbelief, it was really important for me to meet the woman my dh had an affair with. As she lives at other end of country to me it was a year after the affair when i got chance to meet her. even after that time i knew it was something i needed to do, as much stop me wondering and imagining 'who' she was rather than just being a name. i was civilized surprisingly. i still thought of loads of things i wish i'd said afterwards but felt better.

Did you arrange to meet her?

I have already seen her and told her what I thought of her but I want to say more, i think its because she was so smug saying "its him after me" and "its me he wants to be with not you, he is not happy with you"

Has anyone heard of any good ways to get revenge legally??

No i just turned up at her door! she was very shocked. was especially good as she had just got out of bed so looked crap! i could tell thats what she was most annoyed about. i arranged to go back half an hour later (by which time she had transformed into gorgeous woman) and went to local pub for a pint. one of most bizarre days of my life!

What so she agreed to go for a drink with you how bizarre. Did you find out anything else that your dh had not told you? Could you have liked her in diferent circumstances and did she know about you?

Disbelief
Two weeks after i found out i nearly had sex with someone else.He had been after me for the last year and i had been strong and turned him down ( loved my husband too much.now theres a thing).He came around as a shoulder to cry on as it were i got drunk we kissed and it got heavy stuff but i just didn't in the end and asked him to leave.I am glad i made that choice though.He said there is nothing to stop us now we are not cheating but i felt i would be cheating my self respect.The next week end i met someone on a night out who also wanted to come back to mine.I don't think it would have solved anything for me personally.

I know what you mean, I had an oppurtunity when out one night and although I was really flattered I could not go through with it either. My dh said to me at the weekend that he thinks I am with him until I meet someone better and then I will get rid of him now that he has let me down by commiting the ultimate betrayal. I dont plan to although I do intend to get my finance sorted so if ever faced with the same situation I am better equiped to go it alone, I might be able to forgive once but to forgive twice I hope I would walk away.

Also when i found out i slaped her about then two days after i invited her to my house and was very calm and told her how sad i thought she was and that my husband must of been insane and that she could never be a human being like me.She will be a sad dicontented woman for the rest of her life.She said she zoomed in on dh because he was he was nice to her and her husband wasn't.She said she was sorry and she hopes we don't split up.I said never because we are stronger now.

I must admit that i don't feel as committed anymore and if in 10 years time if i met a man i thought i loved and things weren't right at home i don't know whether i would fight it.Make sense?

I would love to speak to her about it and find out more about it from her perspective but I know she would not tell me, anything she told me was a lie - she made out that she would not ever contact him again or see him and told me lies about how they met and where they had been I beleived her as well at the start I thought she had no reason to lie but she did. Anyway she came looking for my dh one night and he was with me, I confronted her and punched her in the face. My biggest regret is that I did not do more to her. Its not that I wanted to blame her and not dh its just that with dh I get lots of oppurtunity to vent my anger/upset/disappointment at but that was my only chance with her.

Overdraft I cant beleive she came to your house -was she a neighbour?

Hello all hope you are all well and coping. I have come face to face with 'her' and ended up hugging her telling her she wasn't a bad person and tht she needed tp go rebuild her life.

Mad or what, am i completly insane?

Kath4kids - you must be an incredibly nice person or insane.

Yes she bloody lives next door and i see the cow 3 times a day.I am showing amazing restraint at the moment

hi k4k
Can't belive you done that

Overdraft - Dont you want to move? I would be fighting with her at every oppurtunity?

think you must be like me very forgiving and soft as soon as anyone crys.Mind you she was your friend for a long time and you must of cared for her and its maybe something you can't switch off