Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

oh my god you guys understand! i went onto a site just after i found out and i kept getting told once a cheater always etc etc. i kept confronting him that he should do this or do that, because people who had been through this said so. it nearly killed me. maturer you are so right it is comforting to have people who wont tell you to leave, pack your bags and so forth. i mean thats what goes thru your head anyway, you dont need to be told this. but i cant my children , our children deserve me to somehow forgive, this time (god help him if there is another), and if all it was is a mistake i believe we all make mistakes.i cant also because my heart would hurt more, i think, to not be with him. i hate loving him so much. i hate that he was willing to take our love away with somebody he didnt even know. i know that wasnt love but it still hurts. Grrr at men, why they think there mistakes can be accepted when they are so terminal . i am rambling. millions of emotions are flying through my head and for once i have time to sit here uninterrupted. i am so sorry ladies - but here i go! oh mrsmiggins you sound so much like me. they get on with things as if nothing happened. their world hasnt been pulled out from underneath them. they havent been betrayed. my dh cheated a month before our second baby. it eats me up. i keep thinking i could have changed what happened. maybe i should have called after the big fight we had or if that night i had of gone with him.... i just want to take back what he did. i found out three months ago, maybe a little more. he didnt tell me, i found out. he may never of told me - he says he would have - but i knew something was up - he wouldn't connect with our ds as he did with our dd, these months are like a blur. maturer & mrs miggins - do you get up in the morning and go through the actions but not know how you get to the end of the day. i'm scared. i sometimes wonder how i got from home and drove my beautiful dd to daycare and how i got home again. what if i'm losing my mind? am i normal? i say such hurtful stuff to my dh. i am such a cow. everytime something happens that isnt going my way i drop some horrible words at him about him not being able to keep his bits in his pants. i hate what i say because i know it hurts him and i want to hurt him at the time. but once words are said they cant be taken back. but i cant help myself.i just read back what i wrote - i'm sorry, its so crazy talk, i'm sitting here crying like a maniac. i wont delete it though because maybe you guys can help me heal. is it ok to rave like this?

oh my god you guys understand! i went onto a site just after i found out and i kept getting told once a cheater always etc etc. i kept confronting him that he should do this or do that, because people who had been through this said so. it nearly killed me. maturer you are so right it is comforting to have people who wont tell you to leave, pack your bags and so forth. i mean thats what goes thru your head anyway, you dont need to be told this. but i cant my children , our children deserve me to somehow forgive, this time (god help him if there is another), and if all it was is a mistake i believe we all make mistakes.i cant also because my heart would hurt more, i think, to not be with him. i hate loving him so much. i hate that he was willing to take our love away with somebody he didnt even know. i know that wasnt love but it still hurts. Grrr at men, why they think there mistakes can be accepted when they are so terminal . i am rambling. millions of emotions are flying through my head and for once i have time to sit here uninterrupted. i am so sorry ladies - but here i go! oh mrsmiggins you sound so much like me. they get on with things as if nothing happened. their world hasnt been pulled out from underneath them. they havent been betrayed. my dh cheated a month before our second baby. it eats me up. i keep thinking i could have changed what happened. maybe i should have called after the big fight we had or if that night i had of gone with him.... i just want to take back what he did. i found out three months ago, maybe a little more. he didnt tell me, i found out. he may never of told me - he says he would have - but i knew something was up - he wouldn't connect with our ds as he did with our dd, these months are like a blur. maturer & mrs miggins - do you get up in the morning and go through the actions but not know how you get to the end of the day. i'm scared. i sometimes wonder how i got from home and drove my beautiful dd to daycare and how i got home again. what if i'm losing my mind? am i normal? i say such hurtful stuff to my dh. i am such a cow. everytime something happens that isnt going my way i drop some horrible words at him about him not being able to keep his bits in his pants. i hate what i say because i know it hurts him and i want to hurt him at the time. but once words are said they cant be taken back. but i cant help myself.i just read back what i wrote - i'm sorry, its so crazy talk, i'm sitting here crying like a maniac. i wont delete it though because maybe you guys can help me heal. is it ok to rave like this?

of course its ok to rant & rave - and to be honest, sometimes you're better off ranting on here & getting it off your chest than having a go at DH all the time - I know he deserves it but if hes like mine, he doesnt want to hear it at the moment.

I wake every morning feeling sad and I go to bed at night feeling sad. I feel at the moment I am just going through the motions, although I find weekends easier cos with DH all the time and I can see he is back. An affair was totally out of character for my DH and he couldnt deal with the guilt which is why he was so horrible to me. Now its over, hes happy....except Im left feeling overwhelmed with sadness and grief for our trust.

He said last night that we cant keep going over it (its only been since BH weekend so thats 4 weeks?) and that he wants to be happy in life so we need to move on.
Arrogant I know.

I too feel like you deceived - I cant ask him to leave because my heart would hurt more not to be with him. i hate loving him so much. I hope that we can get over this and have a stronger more honest relationship.
only time will tell

I worry though that his lack of acknowledgement of the pain hes caused and the need for me to know will tear me apart so that I cant live with it. I also know that I cant just brush it under the carpet.

he did say last night that its only been going on recently adn that the sex was only about once a month (which probably adds up to 6 times) which is why he can just dismiss it.
I think that he prob did just see it as a bit of fun - whether she did is another matter but not my concern

keep in touch deceived

sorry I meant gravity's posting was very similar to mine

deceived you sound as if you're getting on a bit better which gives me a little hope

I ended up in doctors twice this week with my 2 children and cried both ttimes - the 2nd time, the doctor told me I must sort this situation out or it would affect my children
think hes telling the wrong person off....

mrsmiggins - i know we are in a terribly awful situation but i'm glad to know your there. you seem so much more "together" about this than me. i wish i could be logical about it at the moment. i am a virgo and to be knocked out of my routine and normal way of thinking is awful.
your very right, i am better off to vent here than at him. it pushes him further away. i have just read back through your threads, wow. do you get the heart flutters like panic attacks to the point of wanting to be sick? as soon as he leaves the house i get edgy, i am a luny! i do the wrong thing and call him on his mobile constantly to see if i can hear in the background anything i shouldn't. i check his text messages. i am so nosey. its not nice.

i feel only he can fix how i feel but im not sure if he wont, he cant because maybe he doesnt know how.

did seeing a counsellor help you. my dh wasnt prepared to come to one (i went to a psychologist rather than counsellor)- he says a stranger doesnt know him and i think he didnt want to be judged. it made me feel worse because she (the counsellor) would say there were only certain things she could work through with me alone. i only saw her twice. probably not enough, but i'd feel worse, why wasnt i worth it for him to come. when i was due for the third appt i rang her and said since i couldnt get him to come there was no point continuing. her attitude did a full 360 turn by saying he didnt have to be there. feel she was trying to just get more money out of me!!!

i felt like a fool this afternoon. we went out with kids in tow and mum in law to the markets. ive noticed i get funny when im out with him. he always gets looked at when we go somewhere, he always has - it bothers me now though - especially the girls that look at him. think am paranoid freak.

hope you are all having a nice weekend and dh are doing the righty xoxo

Hi guys- gravity rant as much as you like- we know exactly how your emotions are going, swinging in a moment from contempt to love,feeling guilty with yourself for being hurtful and angry yet knowing you have every right to do so and he deserves it!
I did just go through the motions for a number of months like I'd been drugged, couldn't focus on things but knew I had to keep going. It's like living in a sop opers but it's your life!It's not like that now life is returning to normal I do feel happy again. there were days at the start when I thought I'd never smile again. I walked around feeling there was this deep sadness inside me, like a huge cloud over you. you get really good at hiding it- like when your at your kids christmas concert and they are talking about families etc and you feel you are going to die inside. I thought at one point i was depressed but i realised i wasn't i was just deeply sad.
Gravity you talk about having to forgive-I learned with counselling that you don't have to forgive (that implies in my book that it was somehow alright what he did) my counsellor said "some things are unforgiveable" and she's right but what you do have to do is come to terms with what happened, try and understand it make some sort of "peace" with it,otherwise it eats you up and in the long run will end your marriage.
I do urge you all to try and see a counsellor- for yourselves to start with then perhaps together if you can. i knew my dh had woken up to the enormity of what he'd done when he said himself he had to get his head sorted out and booked a counsellor for himself- the mwssage was the same, you can't sweep it under the carpet you have to face it deal with it then gradually move on a little more.
I cannot believe "once a cheater always a cheater"- I have come to terms with it by believing my dh made a huge mistake- which he now sees and that at the time he'd "got lost"- went on a journey of discovery only to discover that what he was looking for was what he had all along. He now appreciates so much more the simpe things about family life- I know he is so glad that I "rode the storm" with him and didn't kick him out (he knows he deserved it). I truely think there is something to the old "mid-life" crisis cliche. Keep fighting for it if you want it- your stronget than you think.

gravity - I'm a virgo too!
The counselling thing- my dh was exactly the same at first din't want to talk to anyone, eventually after months of "inner torment\2 he realised his arrogance and started talking0 he changed over night!
For me the counselling (alone) helped me vent those hurtful angry feelings without the destructive effect and it made me realise I was the sainest person in the whole senario!

maturity its funny you should say its like a soap opera! i used to watch home & away as a bit of brain relaxation and think life could be worse it could be as melodramatic as this soapie. now - i look back at all the grief the past year has brought and think i could make millions out of a best seller. the events on home & away are mediocre!
i know i am strong. i would never have got through the things i did while pregnant (business nasty split, ex business partners mum in law stalking me, dh good friends suicide, dh assault charge & court, restraining orders, loss of huge amount of dollars in last business, police raids frm false tip offs leading to false media reports - there is so much to list and i worry that there is so much i may appear to be stretching the truth - i swear im not) if i wasnt strong. i disappoint myself that i cannot be stronger in this situation. i do believe i thought getting through so much together that we could always rely on each other. i was terribly wrong

12-9-77 perhaps as virgos we fall badly when as perfectionists our attempt at a perfect world is knocked off it axis????

gravity _ your life is a whole series- mine was just an episode! sorry if you've had to battle through all that now this. by the way my birthday's 6 days after yours (but i'm a little older)and we'd been happily married 15years(known each other nearer20) when it happened. People think it can't possibly happen if you hace a happy marriage - but it's not always about your relationship- the cause- the trouble is the effect is so huge on your relationship.
Mrsmiggins- in some ways the fact that they "move on" so soon apparemtly unaffected is the painful thing "how can you not see the pain you've caused" however I suspect , like my dh- yours is doing the old male arrogant hing- I can cope I can move on when in fact they are being eatev up oinside with guilt and shame and not understanding how they did what they did. It does come out in the end- it takes time. That's no reason for you not to let your feelings out and he damn well has to deal with them- he caused it if he truely wants you it's his turn now to support!

I have been with my dh for 13 years.

I actually phoned the other woman a couple of weeks ago as I found out her telephone number on the call list on my dh mobile from when they were meeting. By the way she is married as well with a dd (nice). She actually sounded very nice. I told her to stay away from my dh and asked what she hoped to gain from the whole affair. I asked her lots of other things as well. I told my husband after the call that I'd spoken to her and he was shocked and initially angry but I explained that it was just something that I had to do so I could get her version and probably to put my mind at rest.

I was able to move a bit more forward after that call and felt more in control.

The thing occupying my mind is how do I make sure that my dh who I didn't think was capable of such a thing in the first place won't do it again as that would destroy me. He has assured me that he saw how it affected me and wouldn't want to put me through that pain again. I said that what he did was in some ways worse than him dying as at least them I would be able to grieve the man he was supposed to be rather than having to deal with the pain he had caused.

I can't help making reference to the affair, so my next challenge is to stop mentioning it. I think I may need councelling for this but will wait a bit an see.

Sorry about the ramble again but finding it really helpful posting. Hope you don't mind.

Hope the pain starts easing for us all soon.

decieved you sound as though you are starting to take control- good on you! No one will mind you ramgling it really does help and it lets us all know we are not crazy- as we all do it too!
The times I met HEr i did it to take some control and to make me real in the whole situation. before, to her I was just this person she knew existed but didn't really have to think about as a real person- harder to do when you are there in front of them (not attacking) but asking perfectly reasonable questions. it also helped me to see what i was dealing with - a person too, who turned out to be a very insecure person. It made me realise I was stronger and more able to cope with what was going on than she.
I understand you doubts for the future- like you I never ever thought my dh would be capable of what he did- so you do ask how can I know you won't do it again? he says similarly that he never dreamed the devestation he would cause to us- I think that is often the thing about affairs many people do jutd "end up" in that situation and for whatever reason in their life at the time they suspend reality and just don't think past the moment. Sure they should think about their wife and kids and if they did I'm sure they'd stop but my dh now explains how at the time he just had "a lid" on the "home box" and as our lives were completely seperate he could do that too. i think it's more of a man thing- i can't imagine tougjing another man intimately and not have the image of my dh pop up in my head! my dh now sayshe does have hindsight- so no way will he allow himself into that situation again. Only time will tell- I will never completely trust him again but I can now live with the small element of distrust and so can he.Time and how he acts to reassure you is what heals! take care decieved and ramble to your hearts content!

Maturer I think you should take up counselling. You are wonderful at knowing the right words to use and understand how everyone is feeling. I know it's a bit more in the past for yourself so maybe that helps, but thank you.

I would just like to add my thanks to maturer. She provided lots of words of wisdom for me earlier in the year.

anyone around?

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Not fantastic unfortunately - still crying alot - sometimes seems to get better then I crash again. There may be a possibility that they didn't have sex but I get the impression that she REALLY wanted a relationship. H is depressed and has not been into sex for a couple of years - although I have only found this out recently as we had continued to have sex although it was always me doing the chasing - used to really upset me but now I know why -still upsetting though - can't remember the last time we did have sex although we try to cuddle etc but sometimes feels like I'm going to bed with my brother IYKWIM.

The deceit, the betrayal, the lies - they haunt me every day and also the fact that H does not think she has behaved inappropriately at all. We are having counselling but do not know if it is doing any good as I don't tink he absorbs anything I am saying. It is true - it's not the sex (they might not have had sex) but it is the betrayal that tears you apart - don't know if I can ever trust him again

It's so hard as a parent - if not for my DD I would have left ages ago - also stupidly would love another baby but that is unlikely to happen now so feel sad that I will never have another child and that DD will always be an only child - I come from a big family and love it but won't be able to give DD that.

Sorry to ramble - try to keep a lid on it but wake up thinking about it - think about it most of the time and usually cry every day - god I sound pathetic don't I ?

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you do not sound pathetic at all Uhuru. You sound like the rest of us. Tbh the way i feel at the moment I really wish that I didn't love him, but I can't imagine life without him. I'm scared of being hurt anymore. I really can't cope with the ripple effect of HIS affair it just goes on and on and affects everyone of us.

I feel so angry when he has to go out to work when we used to work around the children. If he says he's tired my immediate answer is it's self inflicted - if you didn't have the affair then you wouldn't have had to find a different job be out the house at such unsociable hours and so be tired.

I told himt he other day that if he was at all having second thoughts or felt that he wanted to do it again then he really ought to go do it now because i really can't take anymore pain.

I sometimes wish i had the guts to just end it all. Either disappear into the unknown or worse,
Oh flipping heck now i sound so pathetic and i flipping feel it, but hey life isnt all bad!

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I not hanging in there i'm drowning

ggg - that's the problem - I DO love him but I hate what he has done to us. If you saw us you would never know anything had happened but it's a different story behind closed doors and I hate it when it affects DD.

Kath - sorry didn't mean to bring you down - and I don't want to hijack this thread.

Your not bringing me down. It's where i was already, had a c**p few days and now dh is at work been in since 4 not off till 9 tomorrow morning and i hate it. We used to share responsiblitly for work, house, kids everything. OUr lives used to be a partnership now they are totally separate and I hate him for it

and your not hijacking this thread your just joining a group of women who never did anything wrong apart from have kids, be loyal and devoted and then had husbands do something really stupid

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