Last night DH told me that he is fed up with his job, family life, everything

[cornishblue]

And it wasn't the first time. He has been saying this on and off for years, in between periods of normality.

He is moody, he shouts and the children for the most petty things and sulks regularly. But sometimes he can "put it all to one side" and behave like a good, loving husband and father.

He says he's not about to leave. Part of me wishes he would just go and sort himself out, because I cannot carry on with him like this. But the rest of me is terrified.

Oh dear, it sounds very stressful for you. Can he change his job? Assuming you don't want to split? Maybe the job is the main thing and his dissatisfaction with that is spilling over into the rest of your lives.

Do you think there's a chance he's depressed?

If it's not depression then can he articulate what is actually the problem? ie Is it work? Where you live? Your relationship?

Have you both sat down and tried to talk about what the problem is? Maybe this would help. It sounds like one of those times where counselling would be a good option. Would he consider this?

Could he be depressed? Could he do something about the job situation?

Sorry for all the Qs and ????
I'm not trying to interogate you!

He says he doesn't think he is clinically depressed and won't go and see a doctor. He had years of therapy (which made no difference that I can detect) so doesn't want to go to any more counselling.

He works long hours but I don't think it is his actual work - he has the kind of rewarding career people give up other jobs to retrain for - just the routine of work-eat-sleep + meeting the needs of DC, leaving little time for things that interest him (because family life doesn't, he admitted that).

I have tried to get him to talk but he can't or won't say what it is he actually wants, so we get nowhere.

I don't want to split, but I cannot live with him telling me regularly how much he hates living with us. It is soul-destroying.

How old are your children? Are they still very young as maybe he's having a sort of post baby depression. Can you see it improving when the children are less demanding?

It doesn't matter how rewarding his job is one the surface. If he's not enjoying it and getting nothing from it them maybe it's getting him down. Perhaps he'd like to leave and do something different but feels trapped by your/his lifestyle.

Maybe try and ask him this. Can you downsize to allow him to do something else?

If it's you and your relationship which is depressing him he must tell you. It is grossly unfair of him to force you all to continue like this without at least talking to you and being honest about where he feels the problem lies.

My DH told me while on holiday that he feels life is passing him by which was not great to hear but I do know what he means as I feel that sometimes too. We have 2 DC aged 8 and 10 who are ace but with them, and our sapping jobs, it is a pretty relentless slog a lot of the time. It is so easy to stop making the effort to get a good balance - meeting the individual and joint needs of each of us in the family. What I love best is a reinvigorating weekend away without the smalls but they HATE being left so I feel selfish when we do go.

DH is not a natural family man either and sometimes needs gentle reminding that you get back what you put in - to the children and me!

Dont have any solutions but know that when DH and I do connect and talk properly we sometimes find a little gem that lifts us both and helps us focus on making sure that we put some effort in to make the good times as they dont just happen. Be warned though one of these conversations let to us embarking on a tight economy drive to save up and buy the long coveted sports car he's always wanted. We have the car, a two seater (perfect for the family - not) and he is still not happy!

He does feel trapped by being the main breadwinner, definitely, and there are aspects of his job that he doesn't enjoy but not all of it, sometimes he comes home buzzing after a rewarding day. I have asked him if he wants to jack in his career, but he doesn't know what he wants to do there either. I really don't think changing jobs is the answer (like the sports car!), it's a family/responsibility/relationship/time issue.

The DC are 13, 11 and 5, so not tiny. And they are being very affected by his negative attitude towards them. I will remind him about getting back what you put in to the family, he has long lost sight of that.

I get the impression that meeting his needs would mean more than the odd weekend away. He mentioned a humanitarian mission a while ago, but he was thinking 6 months...

Have barely slept, I'm knackered

Can you become main breadwinner for a while instead of dh?

Unfortunately not. His income is 6x mine. Plus that would mean him doing the lion's share of childcare and household work which he hates.

Cornishblue, it does sound as if he's a bit depressed...

To be honest, there are lots of people that find family life with all its daily drudgery very difficult, and different to how (perhaps wrongly) they had envisaged their life being. This may be immature (ie not accepting a perfectly 'normal' life as it is) but unfortunately it's pretty common.

The thing is, being 'a bit depressed' (if that's what he is) doesn't really help much as a label, as there are no easy answers / magic bullets for depression. Nor do I believe that the answer is for him to go to this 'magical' humanitarian mission & all will be solved.

I would sit down with him, if he's open to long, honest discussions, and have an open chat about how he hoped his life would be & how he feels it has turned out. The problem is that sometimes people sulk so much, because their lives aren't as they had imagined, that they forget to pay attention to the smaller, everyday things that would make their actual lives better.

As for his job, I don't really know what the answer is, unless he wants to consider a career change: is there something else he'd love to do, instead?

OP it's a good thing that he feels able to tell you he feels this way, if he is depressed, which it sounds like he is.

My father had a fantastic job, loving wife, 3 kids and when we were similar ages to your DCs he committed suicide. The only clues in his generally cheery, funny, energetic demeanour were a preoccupation with 'what life's all about'.

He never talked to mum about his depression but we all knew things weren't right. It is so, so common for male depression to go undiagnosed, and I'm not saying your DH is in the same straits as my dad but just that my poor mum wishes with all her heart that he had left us rather than try to get through it. Anything is better than what we went through, and I'm just sending best wishes and a warning that men in general find it really hard to articulate their feelings. If he's done it repeatedly it might be a cry for your help.

I might be way off the mark here so apologies if I have upset you.

Have to say that MaamRuby has expressed my sentiments with

"I know we all get peed off, but he seems to have made this your responsibility, and made you miserable and insecure."

He's behaving very immaturely. It is his responsibility if he is unhappy. If there is something specific he wants to change, then he needs to talk to you about how it might be able to happen.

All this vagueness is simply not being adult enough to invest the time and energy in working out solutions to his current "problem".

I do hear what snoozathoon is saying, but that does sound a little unlikely if he has already had years of therapy. Although it sounds as if it wasn't the right therapy for him. I found an NLP counsellor really helped me in clarifying what I was looking for in life.

Does he realise that it is him that needs to change here?

Remind him of the serenity prayer:

"Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference"

I'd also recommend this book to him, if he is interested in a more compassionate approach in life.

I tend to agree with the git comment. But he is essentially a good bloke - kind, thoughtful, generous. After an episode of sulking and bad temper he feels guilty and does all he can to make it up to us. He feels bad about not enjoying his family. But he refuses to accept that he is depressed, though I recognise the signs having grown up with a depressed father.

Snoozathon - what a terrible tragedy for your family. I can sympathise with your Mum when she says she'd have preferred him to leave you than end his life. I don't want DH to be unhappy, but I don't want him to make us all miserable either, which is what he is doing now. Though I'm not sure that him leaving (for a bit?) would cheer anyone up... the children would be devastated.

I hope we can have a talk later. It's not easy with the children about. But you have given me plenty to say - I couldn't articulate my thoughts well previously, and you have all helped clarify things in my mind.

Poor you cornishblue. He sounds very like my DH did with his depression. The moodiness interspersed with good spells, the feeling trapped, fed up of everything etc. My husband said he was thinking about going to live in his tent!

None of us on here are qualified to say whether he is or isnt depressed so if he wants to make his and his family's life better he needs to see his doctor.

My DH truly is a changed man these days, but we had some very dark times so you have all my sympathy

I think there is a point where you have to say to him that he can either sort himself out or fuck off. It is simply NOT FAIR for the rest of the household to revolve around one whinyarse and what sort of mood he will be in today. Sometimes the 'problem' is actually that the man is not the centre of attention all the time - if he earns the bulk of the money he may feel like he's the 'owner' of the family and expect to have his whims and wishes take priority. Bear in mind that you and the DC are part of the family too and your feelings matter.
Why not do a little quiet research into what would happen if he left the family home ie how much maintenance he would have to pay and how often he would see the DCs etc, and if he carries on whining say to him that if he's that miserable he can leave and this is what will happen. Where you don't want to be is scurrying around constantly placating him so he Doesn't Leave You ie don't let him hold the threat of leaving over your head as though it's the worst thing in the world. You might all actually be happier without him whining and stropping away in the corner.

SGB, that's a bit harsh, don't you think? Cornishblue hasn't really mentioned wanting to break up at all. In the perfect world which you seem to inhabit people are either 'whinyarses' or not, but in reality there are all sorts of shades in between, this man might be going through a really bad phase, surely that's not a reason to file for divorce?! It happens to women too, and to children. Obv. if this continues indefinitely & Cornishblue's DH refuses to get help it's a different matter.

SGB I think you might have hit the nail on the head. He does act a bit Victorian head of the family when he's in a mood, probably without realising. There are masses of things I would like to do in the house and garden that I haven't "dared" do because he doesn't approve, and because I'd need his money to do these things. It is crap. And ridiculous.

How do I go about finding out what maintenance he might have to pay? I would be screwed financially without him.

Cornishblue, so actually it has crossed your mind to separate? That's a different matter altogether then.

Maria: it's very hard living with someone who is depressed as depression makes people selfish. It;s only bearable if the person is seeking help ie there's an end in sight. This man is refusing to seek help and basically expecting his family to indulge his depression.
CB: you would be entitled to tax credits and maybe housing benefit as a single parent, he would have to pay something like 15% of his income - there are other MNers who are better clued up on the specifics than me. He wouldn't get to walk away and abandon you without a penny.

I don't want to, not at all. I do love him, I mind a lot that he is so unhappy, and I miss the man I married. But IF he refuses to take some kind of action to change this situation (see a doctor, talk to me honestly, counselling, whatever it takes) to sort this out, I cannot allow him to make me and the children feel worthless and unloved by him.

Honestly I don't think it will come to that, and I sincerely hope it doesn't.

cornish,

You are not responsible for him ultimately - only your own self and your children.

If he chooses not to deal with his problems then that is his choice. It should not be your role as it is now to carry him and his depressed state. This affects you and your family unit to its overall detriment. Being in a household with a depressed parent who refuses to seek help does these children and you no favours at all. You're all tiptoeing around him as a result.

You are his wife and not his counsellor. You cannot and should not act as such to him. You cannot help him in that way; he needs professional help.

If he makes a move to go to the GP I would also attend this appointment too. However, he is showing no indication that he wants to seek help at this time.

Some of the responses on here are very harsh. Lots of people can feel like this from time to time - and sometimes it is made worse by the time of year. (Yes, Seasonally Affective Disorder is a real problem, not something made up by the Daily Mail.)

And in today's economic climate it isn't surprising that even someone with a strong, well-paid job should feel undervalued and frustrated at times. I'm lucky enough to work for myself (although that brings is own frustrations) but I know how absolutely deadly and hateful a lot of my friends in office jobs can find the combination of get up-work-come home-sleep.

It's funny how it's often a case of "buck up and get on with it, you selfish git" when a man has a problem, and yet women are able to find endless sympathetic shoulders to cry on...