Last night DH told me that he is fed up with his job, family life, everything

[cornishblue]

And it wasn't the first time. He has been saying this on and off for years, in between periods of normality.

He is moody, he shouts and the children for the most petty things and sulks regularly. But sometimes he can "put it all to one side" and behave like a good, loving husband and father.

He says he's not about to leave. Part of me wishes he would just go and sort himself out, because I cannot carry on with him like this. But the rest of me is terrified.

Well done cornishblue. That sounds like you really stuck to your intentions. And that's all you can do.

Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised and DH will find the strength to stop the outbursts. If not, the next time it happens, I guess you repeat your statement above until something changes on his side?

well done cornish.

now be ready to follow through.

eg be ready to up and go visit friends/relatives with the dc without him

be ready to ask him to leave the house if he shows anger. etc .

have phrases ready in your head to repeat to him eg "we agreedd you would not vent your anger on the DCS. you just xxxxxxxxx. please go out for a walk until you have calmed down" or something...

think supernanny naughty step treatment...

Cornish you did really well. I am not surprised he won't go to the doctors - it is very hard to take that step.

Would he, at your request, read stuff?

Stick to your guns. x

PS cornishblue, I forgot to say that The Compassionate Mind book is one that was recommended to DH by psychologist he saw through GP.

It may appeal to your DH because the first half sets out the science behind it, and the second half (apparently - I haven't read that far yet) sets out the practical application to life.

As he's a science type, could work for him. Plus, as he seems to be motivated by helping others (his desire to do something humanitarian), compassion sounds like a value he has.

And another book that might click with your DH.

Not one I've read, but it seems it is designed for people stuck in the daily grind, workwise. And it gets some very positive reviews from career change coaches.

I am working on my mental set of stock phrases, and I am definitely going to stick to my guns. I think he realised that I'm not mucking about with this.

Thank you for book recommendations. I'm not optimistic that he will read anything I suggest but it's worth a try!

I am worried about your kids ending up with low self-esteem from your husbands ranting at them. Do you want them to grow up that this is the norm for a relationship? (obviously not, or you wouldn't be on here).

What's in it for your husband to keep the status quo as it is? This way, he can just moan and refuse to do anything about it. He is making everyone's life in the house a misery, it seems. Everything seems to revolve around him...

What is your status quo in it? I understand you want to hang on to your marriage, but where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years down the line?

If he really wants to do this humanitarian mission, encourage him to go for it, I worked for an organisation like that and there were loads of people - men and women - who would go out into the field for 6 months, with partner and kids at home (it is doable).
Maybe it's just what he needs to appreciate the life that he has got - made for himself - , let him get it out of his system (if he is serious) better than regretting later in life if he doesn't.

I would suggest a book for you too,
"Codependent No More" (How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself) by Melodie Beattie.

Hope it all works out for all of you!

Aminta my children's self-esteem is why I won't allow him to treat them as he has in the past. We talked about the effects of his current behaviour and the potential effects if he was to leave, and I'm pretty sure he got the message.

He is deadly serious about wanting to go off somewhere for 6 months. My worry about that isn't so much the long absence as the very real possibility that he wouldn't want to come back.

Cornishblue, but on the other hand, if he wouldn't want to come back, then that would be your answer right there. I'm not saying it's an easy risk to take, but if (as you say) he's dead serious about going away for 6 months, perhaps, as mad as it sounds, you should encourage him to do it. If he's staying with you & not going on his humanitarian mission just because he feels forced to do so then that would explain part of the grumpiness then & there.

I'm not saying he's acting maturely, no. But perhaps he should do the mission? And then lots of things might clarify.

Cornish, your dh may have to learn the hard way that even if you go half way round the world you cannot escape yourself. He thinks he can run away from his problems but life isn't like that.

I know you have told him that he cannot keep on putting the dc down. Have you been clear with him as to what will happen if he carries on? Does he know you will leave?

I have been very clear with him regarding his behaviour, and if it happens again it won't be me leaving, it will be him, probably of his own accord because even as it's happening he knows he's failing them.

As I was writing that about him not wanting to come back I was thinking to myself that I should let him go, so you may both be right. At the time I said that he could cause irreparable damage to the DC's self-esteem and future relationships by walking away from us and them. He took my point. But if he did go, he would have to give watertight reasons to the DC so they do not feel in any way to blame, and I can't imagine what they might be.

going on a humanitarian mission has some merit - tho of course "charity begins at home" and DC might not see it that way.

it may be a case of "grass is greener" - and yes in some ways he has to go in order to realise it isnt. tor elaise he wants his family - or that he does not...

either he would come back or he won't. that would be his decision. other dads go off to fight wars or work on oil rigs - it isnt so unusual for a parent to go off for a few months. he can keep in touch skype etc.

so long as he leaves you financially secure and takes out life insurance...

my exP HAD to leave as he was dire straits mentally and i could not have him in the house...he was away in his home country august to december 2007 - dc survived... thrived even without the dark cloud...

during that time i decided i didnt want him back ...

what happened next is another story - but a few months away from home will allow both of you to come to your own conclusions.

so long as financially etc you not left in the lurch...

I suppose it isn't that unusual. It would have to be presented to the DC very carefully though, they couldn't be left with any doubts that he was leaving because of them. Though how we would explain him not returning, if he didn't, is another matter.

Financially we'd be just about ok if the mission itself doesn't cost him anything - he can take a sabbatical of several months and still be paid his basic wage.

You would not only have to explain very carefully what it is your DH would be doing & why... (now that I think of it, your DH should be the one to play a large part in these explanations). But financially he should also provide, but you say that's ok.

Also: who would be helping you with the children during the time he would be away? Perhaps he should also provide for some extra hands-on help?

It all sounds plausible writing about it... but when I think of something like that happening with my DP, to be honest I would go ballistic, I wouldn't accept it, I think.

I know, I am swinging wildly between saying go if you want to (to stop him resenting me in 5, 10, 15 years) and how dare you even consider such a thing (to stop him messing with the DC's minds by abandoning them).

No idea about help. His parents aren't too far away but how they'd feel or who they would blame if he took off I don't know.