NPD / Abusive partner - Recovery thread

[IseeGraceAhead]

These threads were started last year by therealme though I gather there were excellent predecessors.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable condition on the continuum of Personality Disorders. Few Narcissists are diagnosed, however: a person must either present themselves for treatment or be sectioned to ensure diagnosis. Narcissists are very clever, they generally avoid compulsory referral. Narcissists believe They Are Right & Everybody Else Is Wrong; they will never seek treatment as they find themselves perfectly fine!

Common misconceptions:

[1] You can't call someone NPD if they haven't a diagnosis. Diagnosis is unlikely for the reasons above. Even Narcissists agree it's reasonable to determine a personality type as NPD (see links in first post). If you are in a relationship with a Narc, you don't need to be a clinician to know.

[2] He's got Aspergers or BPD, or is just a bit shit at dealing with people. Really? The obvious question is: why would you want to devote your life to someone like this? On a more technical note: emerging evidence, via biopsychology, suggests that Asperger and NPD brains exhibit similar differences from the average brain. And BPD is the baseline for all other Personality Disorders.

[3] S/He isn't "bad", they're just very hurt. Yes, they are very hurt. The more insight you gain into this spectrum, the more pain you feel for the sufferer. If you have a Narc parent, it's almost a given that you've gained tremendous insight - it was a necessity for your survival. The important thing is, YOU are not the same or you wouldn't be reading this. And understanding does NOT mean you can fix it.

[4] S/He just needs loving care. Yes, they do. They need it like a junkie needs heroin. You can keep on giving, they'll keep on taking and it will never be enough to satisfy them. Never. They'll suck you dry (emotional 'vampire') and then they'll rip you to shreds, just because you 'ran dry'.

[5] I get that s/he's abusive, but why say they've got a Personality Disorder? There's a spectrum of disorders: some are more 'needy'; some more 'domineering'; some are just fucking strange. At bottom, they're no more or less than deviations from the average. Nobody would choose a disordered realtionship unless they suffer from a need to be their partner's therapist. If this is you, try reading some of the links below.

Thanks for your post, piranhamorgana. It all makes complete sense to me: the way I dress is also a pretty good barometer of how I feel, and I understand the logic of "fake it till you make it" with appearance. I am currently managing to beat myself up with guilt about the good things in my life (because I don't "deserve" them, or I'm not "perfect"), and I haven't had a proper meal in a week or been exercising for ages. All good practical things to work on.

What you said about choices is a good way of looking at mental states. Thank you.

As for loneliness, it's got to be a part of the human condition that we all have to live with, even the emotionally healthy. So as such it's inevitable. But for those of us who have experienced neglect and abuse from our parents and romantic partners, it goes much deeper, I think. Since we tend to feel unworthy and unlovable, it is all the more difficult to be alone with ourselves: we don't like ourselves, so it's not very good company. And we crave a connection that will complete us (and tend to accept it from harmful people).

It really all boils down to self-esteem. I hope I can learn to grow some. If I had self-esteem, I wouldn't feel completely lonely with only myself for company. And as a bonus, if I had self-esteem I would be able to connect with others much more honestly and simply, without fear, so I probably wouldn't even have to be alone.

I wish I lived in a country with a higher woo tolerance that had such things as self-esteem workshops. Instead, I'll work with the links that trusty Google throws up, some of which, like Mumsnet, speak a lot of sense!

Self-esteem! Where can you get some?

It's what's been on my mind these last few days, and I've seen other posters in Relationships asking the same kind of question. It's a hell of a quest, and I haven't got the map, but here's what's been working for me so far, in case it can help anyone else in the same situation:

• Accept that developing self-esteem is difficult for me, and that I may not be able to change right now, or to develop some quickly. But that doesn't mean I never will.

• Accept that there is no magic recipe to grow some self-esteem that I can just follow.

• For a couple years, every time I directed self-hatred at myself, I have tried to reason with my inner critic and tell it why there's no need for the self-hate regarding whatever situation it was that triggered it. This has not worked (although maybe it might work for other people, who knows? seems a reasonable enough thing to try).

So this week, I'm trying the opposite: letting the inner critic rip, and observing the feelings rather than the triggers. So far, it's been a surprising experience, and in fact a lot more calming than trying to fight self-hatred with reason. I found that I can't sustain the self-hatred when I allow it to happen; it gets replaced with sadness, which I think is what I really feel. Sadness that I should engage in this harmful self-talk, and deep down the fear and sadness of thinking I am unlovable. And I think that sadness is easier to deal with: I've got reasons to be sad! The self-hate, though, is just poisonous, and I'm happy to have found a way to shift it to a more justifiable and less harmful mental state.

So that's where I'm at now. All my best to anyone else on the same quest for better self-esteem!

I had two counsellors and a work course telling me to make affirmations. They seem a bit, shall we say, basic, but if you say them to yourself often enough they do start to sink in. One of them gave me some pieces of card and set "homework", to write down things I felt were my good features and things I'd done that I was proud of. She had to prompt me to think of any at first! But I did come out with a list of things I at least ought to like about myself, and would like/admire in a friend. I was supposed to read through them a couple of times a day just to remind myself I'm as worthwhile a human being as any. There is no room on the card for a "but..."

Nearly five months since I left stbxh!

I've analysed the hell out of my flaws (and his and those of my N/enabler parents...), but I still don't know how I am going to change.

I need self-esteem. I need validation from within. I'm so not there. I keep thinking: what is the point of me being young, attractive, smart, and kind, if there's no-one to enjoy it? (obviously I don't count... I still need someone external to tell me that which I cannot accept myself, and to profit from it. I'm co-dependant: I need to give.)

Still suicidal: see no point to life alone (because my own company isn't validating).

Still desperate for a social life, but paralysed about reaching out. (because I'm not worthy, yadda yadda).

Still doing fuck-all at work, which makes me feel hugely guilty. I spend time on MN instead. It's like I'm determined to focus on nothing but my rehabilitation until I'm fixed... not good.

On the plus side, my puppy is beautiful, affectionate, and well-behaved, and the sun is shining. And I'm still alive, and at least I know what I want -- if not how to get there.

So today I cut a friend out of my life. I needed to do it, but maybe I could have done it a little better.

Friend knows about the DV. Friend was stbxh's friend before she was mine. She is chatty and friendly to stbxh still (see it on Facebook). I didn't want to see that as it upsets me, so I know I had to get her off my Facebook feed.

I suppose I could just have hidden her. Instead, I deleted her, and wrote her a message explaining why. I did say at the start of my message that she didn't need to read any further, as my message was more likely to help me than her, and I totally understand and told her that she is free to make her own decisions in choosing to remain friendly with stbxh. And that I am free to make my own decision in not associating with her as a result.

Except that that isn't quite why I am upset enough to cut her out.

I guess I am especially hurt in that she is a woman, so I thought she would be able to grasp the unacceptability of DV more easily, and also very principled and outspoken: so why the hell did her principles not extend to making it clear that DV is unacceptable? Her choice, I accept it. But I am still hurt by it.

That is a bit shocking, isn't it? I suppose she's kind of denying to herself that it can have been "that bad" since it was her friend doing it. I think we do tend to make allowances/excuses for our friends, but that really seems like quite a major thing to gloss over. Plus you can't afford to have her possibly chatting to stbxh about things she's learned from your FB. What you said to her sounds very mature and dignified.

Re needing validation from other people: co-dependence is only an extreme form of our species' natural sociability. "No man is an island" and all that. It's perfectly natural to feel lonely, not a sign of mental oddness on your part, plus you're so used to living with someone else that, even though it was horrible, it feels weird not to. Although your pain is real, the feeling of wrongness about yourself I suspect isn't. Take heart from having been able to ditch the friend: it means you aren't so helplessly dependent as to forgive people anything, you can cut them out if you have to even if you will miss them. Your sense of self-preservation is still functioning, even if it is a bit knackered. Things will get better and you will develop friendships, and hopefully a romance or two, with people you can trust.

Don't top yourself, your puppy needs you!

Thanks Annie, that helps.

Isn't annie just fab!

Yes she is.

I have been kindly directed to this page by someone.

I just wanted to show my face and let you know ill be lurking around and may call upon you lovely ladies for a chat, cry or rant.

My partner left me yesterday, it got messy and he told me exactly what he thought of me.

I have been going through emotional, financial and physical abuse for 18 months or so.

He has been the same since day one really but did not want to believe it. I have been hit by him before, he was arrested, charges dropped. This time he punched me in the face and I have a wonderful black eye. When i told him he should be more sorry than he is he laughed and said 'what do you want? flowers or something?'

I have been called all the names you can think of. His favorites are c*nt and whore. This coming from a man who has had more girlfriends and flings than ive had chocolate bars (and i love chocolate!)

I desperatley wanted to believe it would go away, ignored my family's pleas to leave.

I came back to my grandparents and they were so upset and relieved that i was home safe.

He has blamed me for everything, still thinks its my fault and thats why he left me. I believe he is evil through and through. The person i am yearning for doesnt exist.

I know there will be bad days where i am upset and want to go back but i am hoping that with MN and my family I will get through those days.

Thank you for reading. Im sorry its long. xx