NPD / Abusive partner - Recovery thread

[IseeGraceAhead]

These threads were started last year by therealme though I gather there were excellent predecessors.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable condition on the continuum of Personality Disorders. Few Narcissists are diagnosed, however: a person must either present themselves for treatment or be sectioned to ensure diagnosis. Narcissists are very clever, they generally avoid compulsory referral. Narcissists believe They Are Right & Everybody Else Is Wrong; they will never seek treatment as they find themselves perfectly fine!

Common misconceptions:

[1] You can't call someone NPD if they haven't a diagnosis. Diagnosis is unlikely for the reasons above. Even Narcissists agree it's reasonable to determine a personality type as NPD (see links in first post). If you are in a relationship with a Narc, you don't need to be a clinician to know.

[2] He's got Aspergers or BPD, or is just a bit shit at dealing with people. Really? The obvious question is: why would you want to devote your life to someone like this? On a more technical note: emerging evidence, via biopsychology, suggests that Asperger and NPD brains exhibit similar differences from the average brain. And BPD is the baseline for all other Personality Disorders.

[3] S/He isn't "bad", they're just very hurt. Yes, they are very hurt. The more insight you gain into this spectrum, the more pain you feel for the sufferer. If you have a Narc parent, it's almost a given that you've gained tremendous insight - it was a necessity for your survival. The important thing is, YOU are not the same or you wouldn't be reading this. And understanding does NOT mean you can fix it.

[4] S/He just needs loving care. Yes, they do. They need it like a junkie needs heroin. You can keep on giving, they'll keep on taking and it will never be enough to satisfy them. Never. They'll suck you dry (emotional 'vampire') and then they'll rip you to shreds, just because you 'ran dry'.

[5] I get that s/he's abusive, but why say they've got a Personality Disorder? There's a spectrum of disorders: some are more 'needy'; some more 'domineering'; some are just fucking strange. At bottom, they're no more or less than deviations from the average. Nobody would choose a disordered realtionship unless they suffer from a need to be their partner's therapist. If this is you, try reading some of the links below.

That's awful, Math. Your poor boy.

Hi, everybody- I would like to jump on board if that's ok?
I had a 10 year relationship (not married) to a man almost certainly NPD, but also with diagnosed severe bipolar disorder- a disastrous combination.
I had virtually every behaviour described on here, and the heartless bitches article was a revelation.
Put downs, name calling, black-is white aruments, head games, gaslighting etc, etc. The children had the golden child/ scapegoat scenario, DD2 (golden child) had the idealisation, then dropped thing (she was replaced by DS when he was born). I also had financial and sexual abuse, physical abuse as in pushing, shoving, throwing/ hitting/ breaking things and intimidation, and 2 incidents of actual physical assault (strangling/ hitting). And the helplessness, costant excuses, "not my fault" "all your fault", "look what I did for you and see how bad you treat me", and a massive case of permanent "poor-me's", all and everything about him, always.
On top of that, I've had the truly weird and wonderfull that came with the "real" mental illness, the psychosis, hallucinations, paranoia, gradiosity etc.
It was such a relieve to find this thread, and find that there are actually people out there who do understand, who know how it is- how disorientating and disconcerting, why you work and work at it and don't leave etc. That it's not only me/ because of me.
It is just virtually impossible to make people understand, to try and describe/explain it when they have not been there, and it makes me feel isolated (not that I have many friends left after those 10 years, the isolation thing worked extremely well!)

So, sorry for the long post, and I hope I can join in!

Hi, Anushka :) It is a relief, isn't it? It wasn't you! A Narcissist in mania must have been quite a force to reckon with And, yes, it is pretty much impossible to make other people understand ... You do tend to find that Ns weren't as universally loved as they believed (and had you believe), but more people still prefer to see the charm & discount the horror; understandably, I guess, but it doesn't help.

How long ago did it end? Does he still see the DCs?

Hi, and thanks.
I refused to let him back into the house Easter 2009, after he assaulted me + was then sectioned, he was in hospital 3 months (!!!)
DD 1/2 refuse to see him at all, very angry. He has seen DS sporadically between easter 09 and summer 10, but not seen him now since August. Oh joy! He has moved to Wales, so I don't need to see him either, and can hang up the phone if he's a pain :o
I hope he never comes back (I live in South East)

I have perhaps a really stupid question, but I can't ask the 'H' about it, he's not ever going to be able to answer it.

Do abusers 'know' they are abusing when they manipulate, name call, belittle, threaten, gas light etc?

Or is this some kind of panic they go into in an attempt for you to do what they want/need/expect you do to.

I would tell 'H' about things he had done and it's like he has no recollection of the event, would tell me that I was to blame, because I did X,Y or Z.

I don't know if this is true, that he can't remember it, it wasn't meant and was an accident, or if he knew he was denying me whatever it was I needed, because he could, and it must have made him happy on some level.

I know if he is doing it in full knowledge, that makes him a monster, but if he doesn't know he's doing it, in his opinion it's more defensible isn't it? Is this more about his image than my happiness isn't it?

Having bad dreams where he physically attacks me (not really happened like that in RL) and last week I discovered he destroyed one of my favourite plants clearly on purpose.

He's gone, 2 weeks last Thursday, but I'm having these imagined and unreal flashbacks, hideous dreams, and don't know what to do with them. Is this something that is normal, will it go away, will I have to get help?

Any help/input would be most appreciated.

sorry, a couple of random words here and there.

It's normal to keep going over this stuff after you break up, LMHF. He may be out of your life but you're still left with all the unanswered questions, "what if"s and self-doubts he managed to generate in you. I read "Why Does He Do That" several times afterwards. It helped to make it all real, somehow.

I don't know the answer to your question. Perhaps it's a bit of both. I used to think my ex was acting out 'scripts' from earlier times without realising it - he certainly said he didn't realise, didn't remember, etc. But, once I'd started therapy and learned some different strategies, I saw him smirk whenever I deflected one of his tricks or button pushes. So he knew. That thought is chilling. And it mirrors what Bancroft says :(

The fact that I'm just getting on with my life on the face of it, but these dreams are just hideous. They don't even mirror real events, they are just awful, and I'm not even eating cheese before bedtime!

Maybe it's my subconscious telling me that I can't just shut this away, and my Queen of Denial act isn't going to serve me, that I have to deal with it.

Oh how I'd love to be allowed some peace, time NOT to be second guessing myself, time without thinking, just getting on with the job of putting one foot in front of another...

Not going to be that easy is it? I'm going to have to read that book sooner than I thought I would aren't I?

LMHF Looking back now I think my ex knew exactly what he was doing to me, he just didn't call it abuse. He would call it 'being in charge'. I know for a fact he knew what he was doing was wrong because he could be in the middle of doing 'it' but suddenly stop and become Mr Charming if we had a visitor, leaving me looking like the miserable one with a problem. Then, as soon as the visitor left he would start again. There was certainly never any sense of panic about him, he was arrogant and aloof if anything, he had an air about him. I was the only person in his life who he treated in such a way.

My ex used to do exactly the same as yours, say that he couldn't remember things he had said or done. I think perhaps he genuinely couldn't remember some things but I will not use that in his defence. I think to control, manipulate and abuse a person to such an extent that my ex did to me and then put on such a fantastic act as he did for other people, to be such two completely different people must be extremely stressful and take a lot of effort and this is what makes them forget. I reckon they get confused themselves as to who is the real them. My ex was visibly shocked at some of the things I reminded him he had done to me, he seemed to genuinely not believe he had done those things. But he never apologised and never showed remorse so he was obviously ok with it, that makes him a monster in my eyes.

I had the bad dreams too, my mind would play out scenarios all day long, it's exhausting but it does pass eventually. I am just over twelve months down the line from leaving now and I am just starting to feel 'clean', he isn't the first thing on my mind when waking and he isn't the last thing on my mind when falling asleep.

I had counselling initially but found it painful after a while as it forces you to think of things you are trying so hard to forget. I would have a really bad few days following each session and I was so desperate to move on and not be thinking about the abuse all the time so, I exchanged counselling for journalling which helped me a great deal because I was more in control of it. I know I am well on my way to being healed as I can go for days now without writing anything whereas when I first started I would be waking in the night having to write down my thoughts just to get it out of my head.

I guess at the moment you are trying to understand and make sense of it all. I did this for such a long time but even now, all these months later I still don't understand and I don't think I ever will because he is made of different stuff to me, he is wired completely different but it doesn't matter to me any more, I don't need to understand or make sense of it, for the sake of my sanity I have let it go.

You will have peace LMHF, it will come, it just takes time. It's not an easy journey either, you really do have to put the work in and force yourself to focus on what's important, if you aren't feeling it you have to fake it until you are feeling it. You are heading in the right direction though so you stay strong!

Thanks so much justlurking I identify with a lot that you have have written.

My 'H' did apologise, for a few things, but Actions not Words seemed to trip him up as he never made any effort to do anything good, or better.

I don't really know what I am doing at the moment tbh, I think I am just trying to get on with life, and put that nightmare behind me. OK I know that this means I'm not actively working on any of my issues, but IMHO it's not me that had the issues IYKWIM.

I have to confess to feeling utterly idiotic for having put up with it for so long. However now I say, well he's gone now and so you don't put up with it anymore do you and pat myself on the back for achieving that.

I do have a feeling of being a bit lost though. Don't really know what to do with that for now. Even feel lost on here, that I don't really have much to contribute to MN cos I'm not in a relationship any more, kind of what the F* do I know?

The process of recovery seemed easy enough, I'd been disengaging for months, I wouldn't let him abuse me while he was here, called him out en everything. Thought I was kind of 'there' already with the moving on thing. It was the dreams that really threw me though, I've never really had that before.

Ha ha, the him being made of different stuff, I get that! I reckon 'H' is made of alien dna. The trouble is that it was only on the very last day that I saw him that really revealed to me the extent of his abusive nature, at how much I had underestimated his manipulative skills.

The realisation that I had been trying to negotiate all these years with someone who couldn't actually be negotiated with, and all my pain, tears, begging for niceness and kindness were always pointless, and would always be a waste of my time was actually terrifying. I realised that actually I didn't know this person at all.

The lies to my best friend's H to get him to stop our friendship, the needless destruction of my plant, the relentless Mind games. He is, was and always will be a monster. This is the reason for the dreams, I'm sure.

No dreams last night, no wine either!

I'm not sad he's gone, I'm sad it ever got there, I'm sad it went on for so long, I'm sad he wasn't the person he pretended to be. I can't miss him, I don't know him. I can't mourn the loss of him, he never really existed.

I'm glad he's gone, I'm glad I don't need to worry about what news is on the telly, what music on the radio. I'm glad my DS is showing signs of being less stressed. He says he is sad daddy has gone, but the developmental problems he has had never really got sorted when H was here, are now showing signs of him having the confidence to tackle them.

Early days, not even 3 weeks since he left, perhaps I am expecting a little too much of myself so soon. Cross with myself at having to admit that though.

I'm getting my diet in shape now, have 4st to lose. Kind of soft started over the last few days, will get more into it as of Monday. So far so good.

Oh gosh LMHF I can relate to so much of what you say!

I was going to ask, are you sure you actually have issues? I thought for a long time that I must have something very wrong with me, that I must have done or not done something to end up in an abusive relationship but now, thirteen months down the line, I don't think I have any issues at all. The only issues that I did have were the ones he caused me to have! Now he has gone they are gone too! I would say the only thing you should be focussing on is being happy! You are free! Don't feel obliged to put yourself through the mill looking for issues to work on, you had enough of that while you were with him.

You are not on your own in feeling idiotic for having put up with it for so long. I was with mine for 11 years and if I knew then what I know now I would spot the red flags fro day one! Back then though I had no reason to doubt anything because I had no knowledge or experience of such an abusive relationship. In the early days I mistook his control, jealousy and possessiveness for love and because it came in cycles it was so easy to get sucked in. I liken it to the frog analogy, if you put a frog in boiling water in will jump straight out but if you put a frog in cold water and gradually heat it up it will stay in there and wait it out. So, don't you go feeling stupid, you were heated up so gradually you didn't didn't feel the need to bail until the heat got unbearable. Then you did the sensible thing and got out so yes, you should be applauding yourself

As for you feeling lost, I felt exactly the same way but I think mine was due to being so excessively controlled, he totally dictated my life so when it came to living my life myself it was difficult. Also, I was now just 'me' and not a part of something, plus all the drama had gone out of my life, it was quiet and peaceful but it felt strange. I know this sounds crazy but I think I felt lost without the abuse, normal, everyday life was so alien to me.

I've seen you give fantastic advice on MN but I do know what you mean about feeling like you don't have a place here any more. I used to be a regular poster but took a step back because I felt the same, hence my namechange. But you do have a place here LMHF because you have valuable experience that you can share. You might find though that further down the line you just don't want to talk about it, you don't want to bring it all back and that's a good sign I think.

I can totally relate to how you feel about all the years trying to negotiate with him and the realisation that you didn't know him. Once I had left my ex the enormity of what I had been living with hit me and it was far worse than I had actually realised. I had minimalised so much of it in order to cope. I went into shock after I left, I truly could not believe that I had been through all of that and survived. But you are right, you probably didn't know him at all. My ex is like a complete stranger to me now, I can't believe that I spent 11 years with the man.

The needless destruction of things, yes, I can relate to that too. My ex would destroy anything I got pleasure from. I used to love my garden, growing seeds and plants in my little plastic greenhouse. Until one Sunday morning I saw everything loaded on the back of the truck, he took it all to the tip. Just like that, without a word to me. The man wanted me to have no life at all, he took away everything that gave me pleasure or happiness.

I feel like you too in that I am glad it is over, I am pleased not to be with him any more but at the same time I have a sadness that it didn't work out. I know it's an irrational sadness because it could never have worked out with him because he wasn't a partner, he was a dictator, he wasn't a nice man, he wasn't pleasant, loving or affectionate, he was a tyrant so even I have trouble understanding why I feel this sadness. It does get better though, I am a lot less sad now than I was a month ago and in another month I expect to feel even better.

That is wonderful news that your DS is showing signs of being less stressed. He will go from strength to strength I am certain of that. My DD has blossomed! When we left she was a very withdrawn little girl who lacked confidence and never smiled. To be honest with you I thought she had inherited some of his traits but when we were in Refuge she just came out of herself, within weeks of us leaving she was like a different child, she was laughing and playing and having a whale of a time. The child support worker explained that although I had been doing my best to protect her DD had picked up on everything, that although I hadn't realised it I was living in a depression and so DD had taken over the role of carer, she had been looking out for me but when we moved to refuge and she could see that I was happy and relaxed she could be herself again, she could be a seven year old little girl. That was the best thing about leaving and gave me the strength to stay strong and not fall for his charm and promises when he was trying to get me back.

I'm on the health kick too, I've got 2 stone to loose! Once I was free of him I discovered the joy of food and so over indulged a little

You know LMHF, you have all these things going on in your head, all these questions and possibly a few doubts but you really do have the answers too, you are doing just great you really are, I think all you need is a bit of validation that you are heading in the right direction and I can give you that, you are sooo heading for happiness! So, give yourself a break, don't be so hard on yourself

That should be lose not loose! I can't believe I did that!!

Don't be afraid of reading the book, LMHF. Look at it as background reading to help you give better advice on here and to family and friends. It's going to be interesting reading a book that so many people have recommended, isn't it? Nothing to do with you of course. Just interesting.

Oh I think I am saner than I've ever been in my life. 3 years in isolation in his country taught me that.

8m back home alone here and on MN taught me that I was right to say that 'No-one else lived like that'. When he came over and tried to do the stamping all over me and my opinion I refused to let him... Which of course went down like a bag of spanners, but i refused to let him dominate me again. Long story short: Not surprisingly, this position of mine spelled the end of the relationship.

I didn't think there were any issues with me as it goes, not until the dreams. God it's hideous to think that these 'people' destroy our lives, our happiness and our things willingly.

I haven't said a thing to him about the plant, and I won't. I can replace the plant, I can't replace the loss of his humanity. Of all the things to do, it was the smallest thing that hurt the most.

I think you are right, it's validation I needed that these feelings/dreams are normal. I wasn't expecting them.

justlurking, you sound as if you really came through the mill yourself. I'm sorry for that. Glad to hear you are getting through it! I'm so grateful for your help and support, it's really helped.

I don't know anyone in RL that has had this to deal with.

ha ha Annie! think the whole book reading thing is a throw back from the old depression days. Had to read my way out of it all those years ago.

Perhaps I'm seeing that if I read the book, again make it all real. It'll confirm what I already suspect, that he is a vile abusive, insecure and weak specimen.

That's the bit I struggle with, I suppose I just want him to be a bit of a tit, and not a vile evil monster. The revelation that really he was utterly abusive was a suspicion for so long, but the true extent only revealed in the last weeks. He's STILL trying it on, but I hang up the calls. Bad international phone connection...

Have the Verbally Abusive Handbook thingy too... not read that either... It's like buying exercise DVDs, they don't actually work unless you play and actually work out to them, do they?

Soon... Soon... I'll read the books soon...

Well... Saint Lundy of Bancroft doesn't call abusers monsters. He calls them human beings. He doesn't pull any punches about their behaviour though. His job is to try to bring out the humanity in them, although the success rate is rather depressingly low.

Actually it is a rattling good read, except of course that it's a sad subject. But there's no rush now. You've got the bugger out of your life. You don't need to read books to strengthen your resolve. What they might do for you, when you're ready, is satisfy your curiosity.

Ha ha, is there anyone that genuinely gives a fuck about abusive men? sorry but when they have pulled the shit they pull, for fun mostly, because they can? then it's clear that humanity took a long walk where these men were concerned. what the fuck did my venus fly trap do to deserve being ripped from it's pot, or justlurking's garden, my knitting, my writing, my friends.

I have no sympathy for my ex. I begged him only to be nice. not to be a great man, a good father, only not to be horrid. How little it was to ask. How hard would it be for him NOT to deliberately distort things, to ensure I was kept indoors, rotting with a baby, no outside contact at all, not even a frigging telly.

Any time I found some way of amusing myself, he picked and moaned about it until I stopped. I never gave up my friend though. Never would either.

I'm crying now, and I don;t even know why. It was all sso pointless in the end.

Awh ((((LMHF)))) have a hug, I don't care how un-MN they are.

My guess is that you are crying because you are angry, angry at him and angry that he would not do what he needed to do to make you feel safe and happy. You weren't asking for much, just to be treated like a human being would have been nice, to have your feelings acknowledged would have been great, to have been respected and appreciated for the wonderful woman you are would have been fantastic! But him refusing to do al of that blew your family apart, it changed your life and put you in a situation that you wouldn't have chosen to be in. I certainly wouldn't have chosen to be a single parent, I wanted nothing more than to be a happy family.

i spent years trying to work out why he behaved as he did towards me. My GP once told me he fit the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and that was a relief because it gave me the excuse I needed not to blame him, it wasn't his fault, he had a 'condition'. I'm over that now though, like you I have no sympathy for him, he chooses to be the person he is and that's fine, as long as I no longer have to endure him.

If you ever need to let rip LMHF and don't feel you can on the board then I am more than happy for you to PM me. You stay strong and keep smiling

Thanks Justlurking, that is so kind of you!

I've just totally moved around my bedroom... finally get to use both windows!

I was cross with him when he was here, really bloody angry. I suppose the tears are because I have no outlet for the anger, and it's not dealt with/dissipated yet.

Oh he acknowledged my many talents to all his friends apparently, so he said. His own cousin told me how much H loved me, when I showed him the monumental bruise and swollen elbow I'd been given.

He told my friends I'd been in a mental institution for 5 YEARS though... They must have been some AWESOME drugs I was on, I don't remember a THING!

I lied to everyone, covered for him,made him look like a human being. The worst thing was that I lied to myself.

Bugger. He's gone. I need to just get on with life and not allow him to ruin such a gorgeous sunny day. He's taken too much sunshine from my life.. no more.

The days are mine now.

LMHF I know what its like.
People in RL dont tell you whats happened to them as honestly as people do on here because its so personal. But we are RL people. And what happened to you happened to me too.
The one line you wrote that made me post was an awfully sad line about being kept indoors, rotting with a baby. A terrible thing.
I spent 2 years in a foreign country, pregnant and with a toddler, living like a recluse in an attic flat. I was housebound because exp sucessfully isolated me, even refusing to help me learn his language. He got me exactly where he wanted. The only times I went out was to the shop around the corner. Often I would spend days at a time sat staring out of the window down at the street below, waiting for time to pass, wishing my life away. He kept everyone away from me, telling them some horrendous lies about me, all for the sake of being scared to loose me to someone else because he "loved me too much".

Its been 1 yr since I got rid of him and i'm only just able to start thinking about those days.
After he had gone I had bad dreams about him. Dreams that I was watching him digging in the garden, unearthing and reburying skeletons of people he'd killed. In RL i dont suspect him of murder, though he did once tell me how easy he could kill a woman and hide her body in the woods (whilst wiping a knife back and forth on his palm during a woodland walk with me, toddler and baby). That incident chilled me to the bone. Afterwards he convinced me it was just a joke and I was over-dramatising by being upset about it. But it did happen that way.

There, I feel like Ive told too much, yet theres so much more. Theres still the sense of unreality about it, that could that really have happened to me? This is why I cant tell people in RL. Its hard to explain mental abuse and when you do recount specific events it sounds too terrible.

my dad is pretty narcisstic. Not the worst sort but the traits are there. . I think it is like emerging from a cult...you have to be deprogrammed to some extent. You may or may not need help deprogramming but who wouldn't have nightmares, once your mind is free to confront what really happened there? All a way of processing and coming to terms with it.

Just a quick note to say I hope I haven't stopped an 800-mesage thread with my message. Am a bit paranoid that I'm a thread-killer but I just wanted to contribute from a (now grown up) child's point of view. I do see that there are some big gaps in the thread life, which is not surprising when dealing with something so deep rooted as this.... Anyway, please carry on!

"emerging from a cult". so very true.
Well put pod

and no you havent killed the thread.

I describe it in the same way. The cult.

y,y,y cult is spot on.

I consider myself semi - deprogrammed . Looking back at "relationship" with xp,I cannot recognise the woman that I was then. I remember the thoughts and beliefs I held,and how strongly I believed them.Now they seem shocking and I am incredulous that I ever held them.

I am sure I would never again be at risk of another relationship with a narc man.

However,the "cult elders" - my parents.That's another story.
They were the ones who "programmed me",from birth.That is why it has taken me so many years (I am 42) even to recognise that they are unpleasant,wrong,toxic etc,and that I am not ,and never was,difficult,rejecting,asking for it etc....
In fact,I have my xp to "thank" for drawing to my attention - albeit in an extreme way - just how abusive they were.

After all,had they not programmed me so effectively,I would have recognised that "love" does not entitle someone to shout and scream at you for hours,or to control you with weird silences and sudden explosive rage.I would have ended the relationship the first time he gave a hint of any of that.Instead of feeling safe,secure "at home",and trying my hardest to please him and "get it right".

Oh yes,I know I don't want a man like that.And I know that that was abuse.

But,despite very little contact with my parents,and despite my being very careful to keep them at a distance - not giving them details about my life,always being superficial and cheerful on the phone and reducing my expectations to zero.......I still,deep inside,question my perception.I wonder if I am actually,really,the awful,difficult and unaffectionate child who deserved to be beaten.

I know I am not.
But the cult programming is powerful.
I am not unstuck yet.

Hope you dont mind me jumping in here too.
LMHF and FBC's posts ring so true to me, having spent only a small amount of time abroad - I realised I was going insane and I had to get out. Ex didnt have his visa then, and British Embassy saw straight through him, told me I needed to be in the UK and working before they would consider sending him over, so at least I had a good reason to flee back home. But I spent weeks stuck in a flat here or there in Cairo, the last one was most depressing - high up and set back down a tiny back street so you ended up with a view of an angle of about 39 degrees - and what chaos was happening just in that small area......... He too refused to teach me the language, but I picked up enough to make me paranoid, and enough to sometimes know what people were saying - his mum telling the neighbours I was dirty - she kept the phone locked away so that I couldnt speak to him, she was nice but jealous at the same time. The only decent person I met there ( a friend from a restaurant round the corner) who told him one night that he was behaving badly and what was he doing to me - he knew it was just the visa he was after..... Being stuck for ever just waiting... Waiting and being anxious and alone, and waiting. He thought if he just plied me with cannabis that it would keep me quiet. Prior to meeting him my friends and I indulged as a social thing, once into this thing with him it became a narcotic to blank the awfulness away, and I would ask him not to bring it in the house because if it was there I had to smoke it. So he kept on bringing it home. A cannabis feeder I guess. The week after he left I stopped, and can count on one hand how many times I have had some in the following 8 years, at a party or the like. I guess he made me a dope alcoholic. Even my wonderful midwife told me not to stop smoking when I was pregnant (can you believe that) as she felt that the stress which would occur if I 'sobered up' would be potentially threatening for my baby. I guess thats how bad she saw my situation.
I still have to deal with him, though thankfully hardly at all, and only through my mum who is the go between for contact with DD. He is the golden dad to her, full of charm and promises and great claims, but she knows that he wasnt like that with me, and my mum is wise to his ways. He had no contact at all from when she was 6 til last year when she was 9, all down to pride and refusal to do anything which he didnt dictate. At one point he told my DP that if he couldnt come and take her out when he wanted then he would wait til she was an adult and she could come and find him.
I still have the dreams Im afraid. Dreams where he is trying to kill me. I guess the more aware of the type of person he is, the more aware I was of what might have been. Taking him to court to give my daughter protection from him was cathartic for me, he had always tantrumed and refused to engage in anything, agreed and then changed his mind, tried to demand and control, that to actually stand up and MAKE something happen, to show that the law recognised that I was right, well it felt good and set me free from actually being frightened of him. He has done things which I KNOW have an underlying something about them, but seem 'nice' to an onlookerr who doesnt understand what he is tring to show, but my parents and DP are supportive and I think they understand when I explain his motives, they dont seem to think Im a loon.
wow that went on a bit and didnt really say what I started out to say.