I have name changed to post on here, although I am probably still quite recognisable, just don't want it to come up on a search of my name iyswim. I have posted many times about ex in the past but he is still very much in my life due to 50/50 shared parenting and there are definitely still issues although I think I am managing better than I used to.
We have two dc, one of whom is ASD. During the course of our marriage:
he was repeatedly unfaithful
abused alcohol and drugs, even bringing drugs into the family home. He would drink 5 - 10 cans of lager a night. He lost a couple of jobs through alcohol.
So verbally abusive I would feel as though I was going mad, so unreasonable, unfair accusations, threatening divorce if I ever wanted to go out alone, was fine as long as I was with one of his sisters, telling me I was mad, noone liked me because I was mad and SS would take our kids away or he would run off with them.
When our first child was born he would disappear for days at a time, I now know he was with prostitutes and other women quite often during those times.
Financial decisions were never taken together, he earned quite a large salary but for almost a year would take me shopping but not give me any actual money for myself, I threw him out in the end but let him back and one of the provisos was that he would give me an allowance each week. This allowance was a third of his overall wage, the rest he kept for himself and spent on himself. Although did pay for a few holidays, he often tells me that it was all the holidays that made him get into money difficulties in the end.
He never did a stroke around the house, not a thing. Even childcare was an issue, if I ever complained of being tired, then I was lazy. If I ever asked for time to myself, again I was lazy and on one occasion when a row escalated after me asking him to take the dc to the park to give me a break he threatened to "slit my throat". He would pull disgusted faces about milk stains on the table or orange peel not being put straight in the bin.
He did not support me in trying to re-train for a career when dc were older, told me I should have done all that before. I started college but was only able to attend for six weeks before his work hours changed and I had to stop.
Everything was my fault, absolutely everything, our dc having asd, my fault, a child having a tantrum, a woman once swore at me in a shop because my 1 year old ds in his buggy kicked her when we were standing in a queue and he blamed me.
He pawned my engagement and eternity rings and on three occasions I came back from weekends away to find he had pawned all our stuff to go out drinking or put a bet on that was going to sort everything out.
He freely admitted that he would often start on me because he was feeling bored and restless. Every disagreement would end in me being called terrible names and accused of the most awful motives for every single thing I ever did.
He was physically violent at least 10 times during the time we were together and would often roar and throw things around the house. Usually after an argument about HIS unreasonable behaviour. Couldn't stand to be thwarted in any way when it came to going out or drinking.
Still to this day though he tells me I am awful for breaking up the family, he is furious that he is not allowed to live with his children and be in his home and wonders why I should have the right to make that decision? The day I finally got rid of him he had attacked me in front of our ds for not lending him money when he had spent all his money from being paid before on a big weekend binge.
For years I felt like I was going mad because everything he said and did seemed designed on purpose to make me feel as unimportant and uncared for as possible, as though I was this useless, stupid, unattractive, worthless person who had no right whatsoever to be asking for respect, help, love. He really meant it too, not just a way of keeping me in line, he really looked down on me. In every way it is possible for a man to neglect and mistreat his wife I think he did to me. But he can't see it even now, this is just how marriages are and I should get over it for the sake of "the Family". I don't matter, "your peace of mind means fuck all to me" he said many times.
Does this sound like NPD or just a run of the mill abuser. He pays Child Support but says he would never ever pay me maintenance.
Sorry so long, I feel like I am at a point now where I can begin to come to terms with all he did to me, I don't react the way I used to. Today for example our ds had a huge (ASD) meltdown and ex just walked out half way through and left us all to it with his parting shot of "see what YOUR lazy parenting has brought us to?" then sent me a great long message about how we need to deal with ds (apart from stick around and support ds and see it throught that is!) and I didn't even bother to reply. He then rang and started yelling about it again and I just hung up. This is a very recent development, until very recently I would feel as though I was going mental and try to explain and justify and defend myself but somehow never get anywhere. I hope I can keep it up.
Again sorry so long but feels so good to get it all out. Believe it or not I actually protected my dc from most of this, although I know they picked up on some of it. I am glad that I found the courage to end it I only wish I had done it much sooner.