Hope your feeling a bit better soon Pm , its a pity your not nearer and we could go out on the razz 
Am not feeling much better myself to be honest . Am going to confesss , ive been horrible and yelled , and i mean really yelled at my dd tonight for a very minor thing that she did not deserve . Ive successfully transferred my shit feelings onto her and even while i was doing it deep down i knew what i was doing but didnt stop . Ive been a bully.
.
I would not have yelled like that had anyone been here to witness it . Ive been the bully that i always object too, what a joke.
Ive been meaning to tax my car for the last 3 weeks , documents are sat in the hallway , i just cant be arsed to go into the post office to actually do it even though i pass it every day. Other things have gotton on top of me , minor things like ringing Sky ect. Im just a lazy bastard at the minuite.
Several things have pissed me off , but the main one i have played down for some reason , and not mentioned to anyone is I have had a fallout with my freind . I have known her for years and considered her a good freind . Im actually really upset about it.
She has not had a good marriage and of course was often upset about that . Knowing what its like i judged her reaction to be completeley normal , who doesnt get upset at being treated like crap ? They have now split up . Freind then leapt into a relationship with a man that became verbally abusive within days and escalated into threats to set him on fire ect . At the time i wondered if she had subconsciously sought out someone like him so she had a " reason " to be angry iyswim. She was on the phone constantly , ranting about him in the same way she had her H.
New man obviously ran away . Then followed a reunion with her dad who she hadnt seen for years , where she bombarded him with abusive text messages and again ranted constantly about him . Other family members got involved and she was always the injured party aparently.
Dad and Family members also ran away , at which point she sought out a new man and followed the same pattern. He too ran away. I had never seen any behaviour like this previously and although she could sometimes be hard work , i thought a lot of her .
No. One day completeley out the blue she launched a rather nasty verbal assault on me blaming me for the fact that she had a dress to return and had missed the 21 days return period . It was my fault somehow because im selfish and whenever we go out she spends a fortune that i KNOW she cant afford, plus she has to drive me around everywhere ( !!!) On and on she went , her accusations making no sense and with no justification , with her face twisted in rage .
And i saw it , that look , and realised .It wasnt her ex , new man , dad or extended family , it was her .It had aways been her. The upset / angry phone calls , she was feeding off me relishing in all the purpose made drama . Poor freind running around after everyone while everyone took the piss ect. I looked at her ranting and raving and making absurd accusations and saw that look they have in the eye , its a cunning knowing look , they weigh you up watching your reactions carefully , and when you wont bite , they up the ante, and she did , calling my youngest a fucking brat , how smug i was , i have everything while she has nothing ect ect ( i wish ) I wondered if she had been desperateley seeking out a new target since her H went , and having not managed to find one , thought shed try her luck with me.
I said very little and removed myself . I was shocked and upset and imagined how the various new men must have felt when she took the mask off for those few minuites. And i thought back. All those jokey comments over the years " We know what dignified like with cooking dont we HaHa " umm fuck off , i Can cook perfectly well actually , but i recalled the " jokes " , the constant comments made about larger ladies , look how ugly that man is , the bad attitde in the car , the up her own arse way she often talked about herself , the rewriting of history ,the self description thing they do so well. And the constant feeding and demands for attention. It was all about her .
So fucking plausible. Im quite gutted and feeling very very foolish. And worried. I feel im destined to spend my life batting these fuckers away from me .
Im now the subject of nasty remarks via facebook , unbeleivable. My dcs , are obviously hurt and upset too.
The counseller who i saw was a loveley woman and a bit spiritual . At the time i was having problems with an associate who was pushing boundaries. I had already acknowledged this person to be a potential threat to my mental health. She suggested i take a particular course of action , that they would aproach me again on X day and i should respond with Y. It seemed a bit odd , a bit fortune tellerish , but she was spot on .
I was proud i had dealt with it as i found it hard , and she pointed out that i had easily identified this person , his mask wasnt quite on properly making him visable . An easy first challenge if you like, but that the next person would be harder to spot , the disguises would get better and better .
Why ? i asked, why would i be subject to a series of tests and set ups ? She suggested that it was possible i was dealing with the same person , again and again , same person differant face , if i did not learn the leson , the lesson would keep coming back. It would also occasionally check in on me to make sure i remembered and hadnt forgot. She said that the lesson has no impact unless taught by someone we care about , when the lesson is finally learnt we are presented with a differant lesson , and that on the way i will find others who are learning the same lesson as me , in the same way, at the same time.
I dont know what to think about that , i have never considered anything spiritually before , but in some ways it made sense . I feel i am meeting these people again and again , i honestly now doubt my own judgement although i didnt feel too bad before this . I went to Asdas earlier and felt so differant from everyone else , i dont think many of them know about this stuff and i envied them not knowing. I feel like theres a monster on every corner.