I'm a loving Dad who needs a female perspective!

[MadDaddy]

I've just signed up to mumsnet out of shear desperation (no jokes!) - DW and I have been having some problems recently and I could do with a female point of view! Bit nervous about the response you might give me... be kind!

I love my DW endlessly and would never consider having an affair, or leaving her, but we're struggling with increasingly differing sex drives. Most of the time I can cope with it ok, but at times the lack of intimacy between us makes me feel so lonely it feels like I'm being ripped apart.

I've tried talking to her about it but it never goes well and more often than not ends up with one, or both of us, in tears.

I could sit here for hours psychoanalysing the situation but figure it'd be better for me to just try and answer your questions and comment on your ideas as and when you post them.

Please help - just feeling low.

weeigemum - give me a break...

It would be rape if he had sex with with her against her will. I'm suggesting he changes his approach, not just in the way he instigates sex but the way he acts generally.

...and weegiemum, you have really taken my comment out of context there. Did you read the rest of my post? My suggestion is that that's what she wants.

Is your wife from a background that was very strict and/or religious?

If so, then possibly she has a mental block around sex being bad. So she can't initiate it or enjoy it, because this makes her a bad person.

In this instance, you taking control (assuming this is all consensual) will free her from the guilt associated with sex. This may be why she likes being dominated.

Probably totally irrelevant, but thought I'd post just in case. I find it very hard to agree to sex because of the aforementioned guilt. If DH got all masterful I think a lot of our problems would be solved.

Oh purrrrrlease weegie, sometimes don't you just want a really good fuck from your DH, none of the romantic bull, (I love romance but sometimes urges take over) just some filthy quicky, jeez ny DH is not a rapist

Op if you are genuine you will have peed off a lot of women who probably are having sex less than you, if not the whole asking Pm thing has been enough for you to be labelled a wannabe perv, so who knows

Take the TV

Put it in a cupboard

A difficult to reach cupboard

I'm being serious BTW

Well it is possible that part of the problem is the BDSM aspect. She might want some more explicitly kinky stuff and be uneasy about asking you (because she simultaneously desires it and thinks desiring it makes her a bad person) because she thinks you will disapprove or be turned off. Are you a bit uncomfortable with BDSM, Madaddy? Do you worry that it's 'not right' and think that sex should be 'making love'? If so, your viewpoint isn't wrong but it could be a bit incompatible with your wife's preferences.
Have you tried talking from that sort of angle - ie asking her if the sex you are having is the sort of sex she really wants, and if there's stuff she'd like to try out - and can you cope or at least not be visibly appalled if she wants something that's new to you or which seems a bit odd (but not unethical or dangerous)?

Exactly Emmaloulou, I think the OP needs to master the art of a filthy quickie!

You can have that dirty weekend you wanted every weekend...at home.

DW just hit the sack after tough day at work.

So, we've gone from do more to do less; be sensitive to bang her quick!

Thanks for all the advice, I have to about I think she might respond to the quickie approach bit I'll have to pick my time. I'll keep you posted and I'm hopeful for the weekend.

stripes02 the same thought had crossed my mind, but I was thinking off something more permenant.

Trubert Very astute of you - spot on. Any further advice?

2010Dad Cheers. Don't worry, I wont rape her.

Wiegeemum I'm a kind, thoughtful bloke trying to keep his marriage alive. Not a sick nutter.

SolidGoldBrass BDSM is bang on. I'm fine with it (although before we met I'd never have dreamt of doing some off the stuff I've done. Black and blue doesn't come close! Any other sources for advice?

Thanks.

uuurrghghh - this thread has just gone so foul

Innit though

Maybe you just have to live with how it is for now (maybe long term). Doesn't sound like you were ever an five times a day couple and it's normal for some people that when they are looking after young children & working their sex drive may decrease at times.

I totally understand where she's coming from regarding creaky beds and family next door on holiday being a turn off, try sneaking off to a five star hotel with no relatives next time.

You should read some of the threads on here about men who have lower libidos than their partners, quite often they go months / years with no sex. Perhaps you will need to adjust your expectations.

MD you sound like a fab caring husband.
Don't have any advice, sorry.

And I am at some of the suggestions here that the sexual references are a bit dodgy.

This is TAME TAME TAME for mumsnet!!!
What a double standard.

AGAIN

Good luck MD

I wonder if it is the sick nutter or the thoughtful bloke in you(or both) who is suggesting sex advice to other women off board. Will your wife approve of that? Is that how you plan to keep your marriage alive?

MadDaddy Thanks for the advice, I'll take it on board. I'm afraid I'm a bit too, much of a goody two shoes, sensible to get involved in private messages about sex advice. But thanks for asking, though.

Im going to go against the grain here and say that i think you are being unrealistic , and im also not in awe of what you do around the house either. I initially thought you were going to say once every 6 months, but it seems you have sex once or twice a week which i think most people would be happy with.

Youve also said she sees your attempts as pestering. Thats because they are. You also say physical contact is minimal, thas probably because you think its going to lead to sex so she avoids contact. Re your holiday, you said she gave every possible reason not to. To me that sounds like someone whos getting hassled.Did you go on holiday with the intention of spending some relaxing time together or was it all about you getting your end away ?

Theres much more to marriage than sex , you say these rows end up with her upset , thats not really ok is it. She shouldnt have to make excuses not to have sex with you and discussions are ending in tears because its quite clear your not listening to what shes saying. Your not some sex starved man, once or twice a week yet your having discussions that are making your wife upset ? Id be telling you to fuck right off, shes not there to service your nob.

Looking at this list, i think you do very little. Why have you included waking your kids up as part of what you do around the house ? And why have you included washing up twice and included a foot massage in a list of domestic chores ?
Seems what you actually do is,,,

Run the dishwasher
Clean and dust the house ( what does clean mean ?)
Make your OWN bed
Brush and walk the dog
1 load of washing
Mow lawn.

Im afraid i think you do fuck all and it seems you want a prize for putting the bins out. Do you really think that is at least half of the domestic chores ? Do you honestly think it was worth listing making your own bed ?

If i was having sex twice a week and getting constantly hassled for more, to the point i was in tears, i think youd be old news pretty quick.

Washing up for all meals
Help with cooking 3 days (think sous chef!)
Clean and dust the house twice (but one of those times was a bit superficial!)
Make the beds every day
Groom the dog
Walk the dog 2 or 3 times a day
Load, run and unload the dishwasher whenever it needs doing
Put the kids to bed 3 or 4 times
Get the kids up 6 times
Do one load of washing a day on average and hang it out / bring it in (although I don't tend to put it away)
Mow both lawns
Give a foot rub and back rub (both about 30 min in length).

Ive just noticed your offer for women to pm you for personal sex advice . How would your wife feel about that ?

And im really surprised at some of these responses about the wife , suggesting shes depressed ect. Maybe some of you missed him saying that they have sex once or twice a week ? I think this guy will now feel even more entitled to badger her for sex until she ends up in tears ( along with wanting a medal for putting the bin out ).

The bit about expecting sex in a creaky bed with her brother in the next room is a bit yuck isnt it, and shows its all about you and your nob. Bollocks if she feels uncomfortable.

sex advice off the board?
Really?

And some people think that is a good idea?

I would not describe my DH as 'loving' if I found out he was doing that...
I would construct a sentence which included selfish, indiscreet, insensitive, and possibly twat

MD - I suggest if you want explicit and flirty sex chat, you go to lovehoney - offering private advice sessions is way out of order.

There's something ick about the way you have posted that has made me uneasy, and I can see that I'm not the only one.

I normally get stuck in to a meaty sex thread but this has made my skin crawl just a little bit.

Yes dignified - I agree that bit was tres creepy.

DP and I were on holiday and didn't do the do the whole time we were away - A FORTNIGHT! - because the bed creaked and the children would have heard.

As far as I know his nob didn't fall off and I am sure that my tits didn't explode.

Off board messaging? - get to fuck.

Am glad its not just me .
I think op you should ignore the suggestions from posters about your wife being depressed, selfish with her time or in need of counselling. I dont think they read the bit about you regularly having sex.

I do suggest though, that YOU get some counselling so that you see your wife as a person instead of a fuck toy for your own personal use. And stop going on about it and making her cry , you sound like a manipulative bully , trying to fuck her while her brothers in the next room ect.

I also note you said that SINCE MAY you have been " doing all these things around the house ". You sound like a lazy fucker too who thinks waking your own kids up is part of the list of things you do. You havent come on here struggling with intimacy, you are trying to justfiy treating your partner like a fuck toy.

Bit of a strange thread title - initially thought it would be about the kids.....

I meant to come back to this yesterday and post a bit more than my original post but got distracted elsewhere.

First re the point 2010dad made about giving her a 'good seeing to'. There's nothing wrong with that per say, sexually different things are right/wrong for different couples. However, if you do decide to take this suggestion on make sure you listen to what she says. Anything in the negative eg no/not now/I don't feel like it then stop.

I have to agree with Dignified's post, especially the list of 'chores' you do, it looks impressive at first glance but foot/back rubs are not household chores and you did actually say that the list of things was what you did last week.

"I know that several people have asked what I actually do around the house so here's an honest appraisal of the last week:"

and it's dependant on how busy work is.

"I hope that's enough! I'm trying to keep it up but it depends on how busy work is really."

As for having sex with a relative in the next room, it would put me off too.

Has it occurred to you that QS may be right. She may not fancy you/find you sexually attractive any more. That happened to me and my ex. I'm not going into massive amount of details but I went off him, the thought of having sex with him repulsed me. I was a lot less confident then than I am now so I stayed in the relationship. It got worse and I tried avoiding sex more and more until eventually he brought up the subject, I found the courage to admit how I felt and we split. I'm not saying this is the case with you but it does happen.

Finally, your offer to give complete strangers sexual advice off the boards is totally creepy and hints at a side of you that would have me running a mile if I was your wife.

My twopenn'orth.

If you think things are a bit bleak when you have yound kids, just WAIT until you have a teenager in the house and a squeaky bed.

Just read the thread. Creep Alert.

You sound like a complete tosser to me. Coming on here and trying to get all the women on your side.

Your poor wife. I can't imagine being married to a creep like you.

Take a hike fucktard.

Beats loving Daddy round the head with massive smelly dildo