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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a loving Dad who needs a female perspective!

130 replies

MadDaddy · 01/09/2010 16:48

I've just signed up to mumsnet out of shear desperation (no jokes!) - DW and I have been having some problems recently and I could do with a female point of view! Bit nervous about the response you might give me... be kind!

I love my DW endlessly and would never consider having an affair, or leaving her, but we're struggling with increasingly differing sex drives. Most of the time I can cope with it ok, but at times the lack of intimacy between us makes me feel so lonely it feels like I'm being ripped apart.

I've tried talking to her about it but it never goes well and more often than not ends up with one, or both of us, in tears.

I could sit here for hours psychoanalysing the situation but figure it'd be better for me to just try and answer your questions and comment on your ideas as and when you post them.

Please help - just feeling low.

OP posts:
QS · 02/09/2010 09:43

You may ridicule all you want MadDaddy, but try not to discard something before at least giving it some thought. Google omega3. And you wont smell of fish, I promise you that.

For what its worth, my husband also has 3 left feet, it does not stop him!

myredcardigan · 02/09/2010 09:51

I was very open and honest last night but this morning something about the thread is making me feel uncomfortable. I can't quite put my finger on it but, MD, you seem to be getting off on the advice/dialogue. So I'll bow out and wish you luck.

ladylush · 02/09/2010 09:51

Maybe you could benefit from some time away from home (the usual routine) with your dw? Dh and I always find this helps - even if it's only twice a year. That, and fairly regular nights out. I do think that looking after young kids can be a libido murderer. It's the 'thinking' that myredcardigan talked about that is so energy zapping imo. It takes a while to switch off and get in the mood. I wonder if she is still thinking about what the kids need while you're giving her a foot rub?!

ladylush · 02/09/2010 09:51

By time away from home I mean a hotel or spa break.

loves2walk · 02/09/2010 10:02

Redcardi - I know what you mean, I hope you don't feel upset at having been so open in your posts. I've done that before and then felt rubbish. Lots of other people will have read these posts and taken lots from them so not wasted by any means.

QS · 02/09/2010 10:07

Tokyotwist I would caution against off board sex talk unless you know what you are getting yourself into ....

myredcardigan, I second lovestowalk, and I share your sentiments regards the direction of the thread.

catfishes · 02/09/2010 10:36

I may be barking up the wrong tree and apologies if this has already been covered but if she has expressed in the past that she gets really turned on by being dominated - then no amount of dance classes, housework or weekends away is going to give her what she wants. Is it possible you are tiptoeing around her too much and she is getting frustrated by the sex you do have being not what she is fantasising about? I know some people are just not naturally very "dominant"... maybe this is the case for you?

Maybe her saying "you take charge of what happens in the bedroom" was an indication of this. Maybe she really wants to be dominated but is too shy to tell you what she is dreaming about ...

Clearly you need to talk to her about this before doing anything. Lots of "maybes" in my reply and please ignore this if I'm totally off the wrong track.

Malificence · 02/09/2010 11:03

"I hope this isn't too personal for DW (or too kinky for you!) but I think it's fair to say that her favourite fantasy involves being dominated".

That doesn't mean she can't enjoy initiating sex, I also love being dominated by my DH of 25 years - I'm offering you a scenario that may work for her, you make her seduce you - she comes on to you (it needs only be a kiss that you refuse as a cue) , you play all stern and hard to get and make her work for it. Wink If she really does like being told what to do sexually, she'll love it.

sorky · 02/09/2010 14:10

If what you've written is honest, I don't think she's tired at all.

She works 3 days, you work 5 days, you do more than a fair share of household tasks.

you get the kids up and sorted and do the bedtimes more than half the week?!

2 children aged 4 and 2, when they're sleeping well, is not anywhere near a good enough excuse in my book.

What is she doing whilst you're getting the children sorted morning and evenings?

Sounds like she's being selfish with her time imo. It is not "your problem" either Hmm

WannaBeMeAgain · 02/09/2010 14:13

"I hope this isn't too personal for DW (or too kinky for you!) but I think it's fair to say that her favourite fantasy involves being dominated"

Are you too 'nice' for her? Do too much?

sarah293 · 02/09/2010 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MadDaddy · 02/09/2010 15:16

Sorry - didn't mean to go off track and I'll lay off the exclamation marks. Pity, I like them, but each to their own and I'm the one that needs advice.

Just to clear one thins up - I think I've been miss-quoted here. I said we have sex on average between once a week and once every two weeks. Once a week I can just about stay chilled with (twice a week would be a dream!) but we can go weeks without it. Most recently our holiday... 10 days on holiday and not a sniff of it. Creaky beds, no lock on the door, DW's brother in the next room - I heard every reason why we shouldn't. Those are the times I find hardest. And recently we've gone 3 or 4 weeks without it. There's always a good reason but - I just find it hard.

Oh, and I'm confident that I'm hitting the mark in the bedroom. We've talked about that and I'm not concerned that that's the problem. Blush

Thanks Malifience. Good to know you've got something that works for you and your DH. We might try that although that would involve her trying to kiss me :( Don't want to stray off topic but the more I think about it the more her need to be dominated is partly to blame. It does at least explain why she doesn't like to instigate it, doesn't want to speak to a counsellor and why it takes her a while to get turned on.

OP posts:
Malificence · 02/09/2010 15:31

"The more I think about it".
Why haven't you asked her outright?

If she likes to be dominated, it doesn't explain any of those things you refer to actually. If you are dominant with her then why would it take her a while to get turned on, if it's her favourite thing? Confused

catfishes · 02/09/2010 15:32

"Oh, and I'm confident that I'm hitting the mark in the bedroom. We've talked about that and I'm not concerned that that's the problem."

and

"the more her need to be dominated is partly to blame."

seem to be incongruous because when you say her "need" is to "blame" it kind of makes it look like it's a problem for you that she wants to be dominated, and that you don't do it?

SpawnChorus · 02/09/2010 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
MadDaddy · 02/09/2010 16:08

Ok, blame was the wrong word to use.

She does like to be dominated but if I try to instigate it I'm invariably turned down which she sees as me pestering. And what about my feelings and fantasies? I don't mind tying her down and being the alpha male, but it's not what I'd choose. She says she loves to be dominated but then turns me down at first base. Should I try harder? I just want to turn her on not scare her to death.

OP posts:
SpawnChorus · 02/09/2010 16:12

Seriously, you're getting more sex than most parents of two young children. Get over it.

QS · 02/09/2010 16:33

Maybe she is just not that into you anymore.

Alouiseg · 02/09/2010 16:46

They're turning nasty now Maddaddy you're making some of them feel guilty for their lack of bedroom action :o

ChaoticAngel · 02/09/2010 17:13

QS could be right. Maybe she just doesn't fancy you anymore.

Btw I'm single so don't have any guilt issues Hmm

zazen · 02/09/2010 17:15

No not creepy exactly - but all this I'll give you advice privately is beginning to smell a bit omega3 ish to me as well - over and out from me also.

2010Dad · 02/09/2010 20:08

MadDaddy, having read everything you've written, I think your best bet is to do the following:

  • Continue doing stuff to help around the house, but don't make a big deal out of it
  • Stop reminding her how much you need/want to have sex. Nothing is more of a turn off for a woman.
  • Stop telling her how beautiful she is quite as much (it can definitely have the opposite effect if overdone)
  • Be a bit more alpha. Don't keep asking if you can make love and trying to be too romantic/perfect. Just give her a good seeing to!

I apologise if any women are offended by the final suggestion, but the fact is that sometimes, in my experience with DW, she might just prefer a good seeing to (and tells me so) without all the build-up to a perfect session (especially now we have a baby)

Like you, this isn't always my preference, as despite what many women think, a man often needs to get going too - and that for me means the build-up; seeing DW getting aroused and knowing she's in the mood and getting turned on by the whole idea, then foreplay, rather than just wanting a good hard fuck.

Sex can't always be the 100% ideal for both partners, all of the time.

Perhaps if you are be a bit more masculine in the way you go about things in general, and give her a bit of rough and take her by surprise, good things will follow for you.

To be blunt, I think you need to be a lot more manly in general to stoke her fires again.

Then again, I could have read this completely wrong.

catfishes · 02/09/2010 20:11

"Don't keep asking if you can make love and trying to be too romantic/perfect. Just give her a good seeing to"

god yes

weegiemum · 02/09/2010 20:16

Don't keep asking if you can make love ..... just give her a good seeing to"

Isn't that, well, rape?

BCBG · 02/09/2010 20:23

Maddaddy, I think you are my DH, even down to the shower gel Smile.... and I am exactly the same as your wife (except that I don't watch telly and he works very long hours which is part - but only part - of my low libido problem. 2010Dad has it dead right for me. The nicer and more gentle Dh is with me the more I want to scream. I have lost my confidence and self esteem as I have got older and I really have to work at keeping my sex drive alive. Him obviously fancying ME (as opposed to dawn horn for example) is a big confidence booster and therefore a turn on.

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