I've fallen for someone big time, feel out of control and stupid

[FrazzleRock]

I'm an idiot. I stupid idiot.
I met him on Match about a month ago. Had three dates in that time. During that time he went to France for two weeks and I waited for him.
I feel so totally head over heels in love (lust?) and we get on really well and have lots in common. We arranged to meet again Sat night just gone but he told me on Friday the following:

"I need to be honest I'm not sure it's a good idea to meet. I don't believe we have a future. I know we will end up in bed so if you are just after a little no strings fun then maybe ok. But if you are looking for something serious then maybe we shouldn't. I'll leave it up to you. X"

I just wanted to see him again (I know, I know) and responded with:

"Well it's not really a huge surprise! I can't see myself having a future with anyone right now. Way too soon for all that. No strings fun sounds perfect to be honest. I knew it from the start, why not just enjoy it xx"

So, Saturday happened. We went for dinner then a drink then back to his.
We had a really good time at the restaurant and the pub. Back at his we still had a great time, he was really affectionate.
However, he never even got it up!
I asked him if he was really tired or something as he was clearly enjoying kissing and cuddling. He said we just don't "connect" therefore couldn't actually have sex (wtf? "No strings fun"?)
I said "so you don't find me attractive or sexy then?" he said "of course I do!"
I said "so is that it?" He said "yes"
I then said "So, we're not going to see eachother again?"
He looked really shocked and said ", Why would you say that?!"
He spent the rest of the night kissing me and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Then cuddled me really tightly all night.
I'm so confused!

I just don't understand. Why couldn't he just be horrible and distant? Why bother with all the affection?

He removed his profile from Match a week or so ago but I've just gone on tonight and he's back on!

Obviously I feel really stupid but I don't regret going to his as I felt I needed to.
I feel stupid for allowing myself to get so wrapped up in him.

I feel sick to see him back on Match. Even though I know he doesn't want us to have a future.

He texted me yesterday (when I got home) asking me about my day (why?)

I just don't know how I'm going to get over him. I know with time I will and I'm chewing my fingers off so I don't contact him. But I feel so sick and anxious all the time. I want to cry so much but it's stuck on my chest.

I'm just such an idiot. How could I have let this happen? I'm 31 years old ffs, I should know better

Oh you poor thing. He's just on there to mess around. Unfortunately, he's probably on a few dating sites.

You will get over him, honest.

Frazzle

I know just how you feel I have just had my feelings trampled all over by a guy from match , he promised me the world, said he loved me wanted to move in etc.
We were together 10 weeks and in the end he broke my heart,at least at this stage you have not had sex with him . It's up to you if you do but it sounds like he's not really ready for a relationship and you might get hurt

Please look after number one be careful

No advice, sorry, but big hugs xx

He sounds a bit of a whangr to be honest. He's either very messed up (with erectile difficulties by the sound of it) or manipulative ('ooh, you're so special, I want you to keep hanging on and hoping I will suddenly commit... because I might, you know, but only if you jump through enough hoops and no one better comes along...') Keep trying: there are plenty of men out there and not all of them are idiots.

Your first mistake was telling him you were happy for no-strings fun when you weren't. But you know that. I'm sorry this one hasn't worked out, but you are doing the right thing by withdrawing contact. Chin up!

He's a fuckwit. And no point in arranging no strings fun with a guy that can't get it up. Which he clearly couldn't on Saturday. Please don't call him. You'll find someone better.

I do know that, you're right BOF, I was just so desperate to see him I'm just so unbelievably stupid.
I wish I could rewind time and not have met him, ever.

I'll have to pretend I haven't seen him back on Match.

I just wish I knew why he was being so affectionate on the night we were supposed to have "no strings fun"
He was staring at me as he was stroking my head - I kept opening my eyes to see him, then he'd kiss me again. That's not the sort of thing a man does when he wants no strings fun.

Why didn't he just turn over and got to sleep?

He always seemed to good to be true. He has so many things going for him. I wondered what on earth he'd want with a single mother of two with a pretty dull life. I should have trusted my instincts in the beginning

After a few dates and a month, he doesn't warrant this amount of heartache. You aren't in love, far too soon for that, you just fancied him.
V e r y s l o w l y next time

Well, I wondered that Gay40. I wondered how on earth I could possibly feel this heartbroken after only a month. We spoke loads on the phone and texted each other loads during that time so I felt we got to know each other relatively well.

You're right, he doesn't warrant this amount of heartache.
How the fuck does anyone have this affect on someone? He's just a man! How can it have gotten so bad?

You don't really know him though do you? And it doesn't sound like he's looking for a serious relationship. If you really can't stop thinking about him then try to think about his bad points rather than good.

And do something nice for you. Sounds like you're a bit lacking in self esteem. Go get your hair done or go shopping if you can. You WILL find someone better.

You're right MollysChambers (great song btw!)

I will find someone better. Or at least, someone like him but not a wanker version.

I really appreciate you all reading and responding.
I've chewed my rl friends' ears off already.

The trouble is, if he makes contact again, I'll cave completely. Not even impotence can keep me away

oh, please please don't beat yourself up.

i have several t shirts of this ilk!

He has sent out mixed messages to you. Maybe he isn't a complete arsehole, and did feel embarrased he couldn't get it up.

Any way enough of him. Don't try to guess what's going on with him.

He is no good for you, for your self esteem right now. In a way I am glad he didn't get it up, because i believe you would have liked him more after you'd been that intimate.

I was terribly let down by a guy on a site back at the start of the year. My confidence was crap anyhow, and he was my first proper foray into what i thought was going to be a relationship.

He just stopped contact with me, no excuses, and he'd been so into me for a few weeks.

It doesn't matter how old you are, you had hope and expectations in this, maybe to many things pinned on it?

I absolutely promise that if you don't contact him again, how ever hard that it, that day by day you WILL feel better. I know how hard it is and how it hurts. Yet it will just go down as a life experience. And i am the biggest soppiest idiot that ever was!!

Erm, hair stroking, paying complements and cuddling don't necessarily mean that someone is interested in commitment. Casual sex doesn't have to be clumsy, perfunctory and bad-mannered, it's just sex with someone to whom you are not offering monogamy or a long term relationship.
It does sound as though you don't have enough going on in your life, FR: your problems will not all be magically solved by Finding 'The One'. Do you have hobbies, interests, a social circle that isn't a tedious Noah's Ark? If not, go looking for some of those things, not just the 'perfect man'.

I understand why you went for the no strings thing tho.

Even though underneath i guess you hoped it wouldlead to something you wanted. Sex and being fancied is hugely powerful.

Just think, (as i try to) you never ever know what's around the corner!! Treat it as an exciting thing, as soemthing to look forward to.

I'm going to try to delete his number today. I can't do it right now but I will make myself do it. Even if I have to get a friend to do it.

I'll also remove him from my Match so he and I can't see my/his profile.

My chest is so tight, I just want rid of this horrid horrid feeling
He's an arse, why can't my emotions understand that?

SGB - yes my life is very tedious. Ex blows hot and cold all the time. One minute he's being amicable, the next he's being an utter shitbag (he found out about me dating)

I do need to do something with my life but how? When I have two children and an unreliable ex?
I'd love to do an interior design course which starts in Jan but I'd need to get someone to have the children twice a week in the evening. I can't afford to pay someone do do that.
I don't necessarily want to find "The One" just now. I've not long been out of my marriage (my decision to end but pretty amicable when hes not being a shit).

This guy just seemed so exciting and everything I could have asked for. I tried not to believe any of it but I found loads of info on him when I googled (me nosy?) and articles and websites of his projects abroad and stuff. He just has the amazing life I aspire to.
Then he turned out to be a twunt

Hey, give it time, time is your friend.

Your head and heart went in a spin with this new exciting aspect that was in your life. It got your adrenaline going and you suddenly thought, 'hey posssibilities here'

You are now on the come down from that.

Delete him from match, so he cant contact you there, it's not real life anyhow. If he wishes to contact you he can text you, you can be guarded and listen to what he has to say, but you need to be in control of your feelings. Believe me, i am working on a very similar thing personally myself right now ( can you tell!!).

Realistically, it's all words and no action when it's all these texts. They believe what they are saying, but the reality is very different.

Thanks piratecat. I just feel like I'm going to have some kind of mental breakdown or something. I just feel so incredibly stupid to feel this way over a man! One I've only known a month too.
So pathetic.
I always knew it'd end in tears. Always said said it (to friends)
The trouble with friends is they say things you want to hear so I got all worked up analysing him with friends and they would say things like (after a particularly lovely text or evening) "He so luuurves you" Or "Don't think he's too good for you, he obviously likes you"

Just made me think someone like him could actually want me

I need to stop this. I feel so sick and anxious. It's not fair on the children. I'm trying not to be snappy but I can't help it. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

If it were someone else, I'd tell them to pull themselves together and stop being so stupid

pirate - I really appreciate your sensitivity

It will pas thu you have to ride it thru.

I had a very similar expereince in Feb, lots of lovely texts, promising that he'd be there for me.

Now i never give him a 2nd thought.

Recently I have been down a similar road but with someone who is much kinder and sincere, and that hooked me for a bit. Yet I think the thing to do it to keep on keeping on.

interior design course - can you not find a local teenager to babysit? this is what I have done for training, ok is an outlay but way worth it in the longer term
I'd use the experinence with mr floppy as a learning curve tbh, and not get too hooked up on a man early on in dating. agree with sgb's comments re 'The One.'

Frazzlerock, I can totally empathise with your feelings. I'm not in the same boat but am going through a not totally dissimilar thing (also trying desperately hard to forget a man I have very strong feelings for). Anyway, I really feel for you.

It doesn't matter that it was only a month - emotions can overwhelm you pretty rapidly where affairs of the heart are concerned. You built up ideas and hopes around this guy. Just give yourself time to work through the heartbreak - do some cathartic crying along to your favourite love songs (works for me ) and in time you'll start to feel better.
Also, try and do some exercise - can you find time? - honestly it is the best thing to counteract those awful pangs you're feeling right now. The endorphins will work wonders.

Also, it sounds like you need some extra stimulation outside of your home/kids/friends life. Feeling unstimulated at home will definitely not help you get over this guy.

Do you think there is a chance he will be in touch with you again?
Would you see him again if he suggested it?

ninah - I could do actually. I should look into that

Thanks Mabel - unfortunately, there is a chance he might get back in contact - especially as he seemed surprised when I said "so we shouldn't see eachother again then".
I would, absolutely, see him again if he suggested it, I'm far to weak to turn him down, I want him now, I want to be back there lying in his tightly wrapped arms - I'm my own worst enemy

Oh god, todays not a good day. I've woken up immediately with him on my mind.
When is he going to leave my brain? I just want him to go

I can't stop crying, this is horrible

Frazzle I am about a week in front of you in the heartbreak stakes, it does get easier honestly.

I forced myself to have a good cry on saturday night whilst listening to sad songs it really did help, I won't lie to you and say i don't think of my Mr match guy every day still because i do, but the yearning has turned to anger and now looking back he was not so perfect for me I just made him so in my mind because I really wanted to be happy.

What i have realised is I am happy , like you i have my own life, a great child and a nice home lots of people don't even have that.

Although it also does not feel at the moment like I will ever meet anybody there has got be somebody in my future and I hope to look back on the last couple weeks and laugh at myself and just how sad i felt.

I know all of this does not heal or help you in any way but I don't want you to feel silly or all alone

One day at a time Frazzle and you will get through it I promise you

Thanks Bridget. I just wish I could kick him out if my mind
Why do we torture ourselves like this? I feel so weak for allowing myself to feel like this.
I should be able to say "Fuck him" and get on with my life. Why can't I!!??