I've fallen for someone big time, feel out of control and stupid

[FrazzleRock]

I'm an idiot. I stupid idiot.
I met him on Match about a month ago. Had three dates in that time. During that time he went to France for two weeks and I waited for him.
I feel so totally head over heels in love (lust?) and we get on really well and have lots in common. We arranged to meet again Sat night just gone but he told me on Friday the following:

"I need to be honest I'm not sure it's a good idea to meet. I don't believe we have a future. I know we will end up in bed so if you are just after a little no strings fun then maybe ok. But if you are looking for something serious then maybe we shouldn't. I'll leave it up to you. X"

I just wanted to see him again (I know, I know) and responded with:

"Well it's not really a huge surprise! I can't see myself having a future with anyone right now. Way too soon for all that. No strings fun sounds perfect to be honest. I knew it from the start, why not just enjoy it xx"

So, Saturday happened. We went for dinner then a drink then back to his.
We had a really good time at the restaurant and the pub. Back at his we still had a great time, he was really affectionate.
However, he never even got it up!
I asked him if he was really tired or something as he was clearly enjoying kissing and cuddling. He said we just don't "connect" therefore couldn't actually have sex (wtf? "No strings fun"?)
I said "so you don't find me attractive or sexy then?" he said "of course I do!"
I said "so is that it?" He said "yes"
I then said "So, we're not going to see eachother again?"
He looked really shocked and said ", Why would you say that?!"
He spent the rest of the night kissing me and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Then cuddled me really tightly all night.
I'm so confused!

I just don't understand. Why couldn't he just be horrible and distant? Why bother with all the affection?

He removed his profile from Match a week or so ago but I've just gone on tonight and he's back on!

Obviously I feel really stupid but I don't regret going to his as I felt I needed to.
I feel stupid for allowing myself to get so wrapped up in him.

I feel sick to see him back on Match. Even though I know he doesn't want us to have a future.

He texted me yesterday (when I got home) asking me about my day (why?)

I just don't know how I'm going to get over him. I know with time I will and I'm chewing my fingers off so I don't contact him. But I feel so sick and anxious all the time. I want to cry so much but it's stuck on my chest.

I'm just such an idiot. How could I have let this happen? I'm 31 years old ffs, I should know better

oh and frazzle...i'm much older than you!!

Morning Frazzle (fellow gemini

That is good news about the new Scorpio guy, if you can chat for that long on the phone it sounds promising and you are right it will help take your mind off Ben.

I know he is not Ben but you never know he might be better than him... for you.

Tonight is date with necklace Gary fingers crossed

Oh fizzfiend, I'm so sorry I think you've got more right to be miserable than me, you spent a whole year with the man! I only spent 5 weeks with mine and two of those he was away in France!
You're right in saying that everything was magical and now everything has a grey cloud covering it. But I knew then that it was too good to be true. I told my friends it would all end in tears but they would say "Why should it? Why do you think he's too good for you that you don't stand a chance with him?" I know they were trying to be nice but it kind of raised my hopes a bit too much.
Just keep posting on here when you feel down, it's really helped me so far. I'm amazed how patient everyone's being with me!

I woke up thinking of him again this morning. I can get on with things without thinking too much but as soon as I have flashbacks I get this awful sunken feeling in my chest.
It's the flashbacks which are buggers. Lovely texts he's sent me or things he's said face to face, the affection he gave me that night at his and all the flirty things we both said or did to eachother.
Still, we've just got to tough it out. I keep chanting "Onwards and upwards"

Bridget - No he's not THE Ben but he's A Ben which is annoying as my heart does a little jump when he texts! I seem to be attracted to Bens. I used to go out with one when I was a teenager and I also fancied a couple in the past. In fact, my first proper friend as a child was Ben! maybe I should stay away from them!
at Necklace guy, ha ha. I really hope he's not wearing it tonight! Do you talk on the phone? What does he sound like?

oh no about them both being called Ben, that must be a nightmare when you phone syas one message from Ben!!

I know what you mean about the flashbacks,all weekend I was reminded about things that Mr non commitment and I did together or planned to do together and it has set me back a bit I nearly cancelled date tonight at lunchtime because I felt the new guy would never match up to him but my friend has persuaded me to go now.

Oh i do hope he is not wearing the necklace i will probably giggle or something silly, we spoke on the phone for over an hour he seemed lovely and although he was in France at the weekend he sent me a few texts which was nice.

8.30pm tonight I will find out.... scared now but at least it is averting my mind from dwelling about Martin (My Ben)

Oh it'll be fun, no way should you cancel, especially if he seemed nice on the phone. I'll be thinking of you at 8:30! Try and get back on here when you get home for an update!

Morning

It was a nice evening he is really nice. I have not slept thinking about Martin (mr non commit) and why I fell for him so quickly , not deeply because it was only 12 weeks together and I think it's because he was so much like my ex husband ( who cheated on me loads) I think maybe I was trying to replace him in my mind and Martin was very like him.

The guy I met last night is totally different from them, made me laugh a few times was charming but not in a yuk way and he has asked to see me again we have not decided when yet though.

Oh he wasn't wearing the necklace yipee!!

How are you today frazzle? Are you still going to meet up with the new Ben?

Great news the date went well! Even better news he wasn't wearing the necklace ha ha.
Have you spoken to him today?

Interesting about Martin being like your ex. Ben is the complete opposite of my ex! I think that's why I like him so much.

Feeling ok today, still find myself staring into nothing with flashbacks. I start smiling but then realise it's over and it puts me in a mood again.

Yes I'm still going to meet up with Ben 2. Got Weds guy tomorrow, going to have a drink first then go for an Italian.

You'll never guess, someone has recognised me on Match! I got as wink from someone who looked very familiar, turns out he's a guy my friend had a fling with years ago, he used to hang around in the same circles as us when we used to go to all the indie clubs in London. Small world, although slightly mortifying!

He has sent me a text wants to take me out to dinner tonight, I ummed and ahhed about playing hard to get but in the end said yes as I did have a nice night without the necklace.

Curse those flashbacks i had one this morning as we have radio on at work and they played a track that we both liked a lot ... we don't speak americano. i still like the track but it made me frown today.

Gosh i did not realise you had two potential guys in the offing , good for you.

oh no how awful being recognised on match , I guess it's bound to happen but how awful, for your sake i hope it wasn't a serious wink !

Gary from last night is nothing like my ex maybe that is what I need so fingers crossed

Thanks Frazzle...for feeling my pain when you're suffering too. Isn't that waking up thinking about them horrid? As are the flashbacks. How can someone make you feel so incredible when you know they don't really want you? God messed up there...people should only fall in love with each other when they both feel the same. But I guess we'd have no great music/movies/poetry/books if love wasn't so complicated and torturous.

Keep going .... and when you feel like calling/texting him, post on here and I'll big you up! You sound very positive tho...we all deserve someone that adores us. God knows where you find them, but they must be somewhere!!!!

Frazzle i understand your pain. Years ago i met this dashingly handsome guy who asked me out to dinner. Ist night and he was just so over the top romantic. Next date, he asked me to make sure my passport was up to date, he was taking me away at the weekend.

Saturday arrives, i am so excited, thinking Paris, a river cruise with dinner, yada, yada
Bag all packed. He arrives baring a huge bouquet of gorgeous flowers! This guy is good! Then asks me if i have any food in, some pasta. I make the pasta then ask whats happening. He says " there's a movie on i fancy, i love the pictures in the daytime, shall we go?

I run into the bedroom and kick the bag into the wardrobe and GO TO THE EFFING PICTURES!!!

I was so nonplussed, so confused and embarrassed that i didnt even ask him what the feck?

Nutters, loads of em about

Next.

Ibiza: go to Ibiza town, the north is full of old Germans. Avoid San Antonio, it's not awful but it's quite naff...there is the Cafe del Mar there (for sunset) though...

Also St Josep, Eularia...

You don't have to eat posh, try some places on Talamanca beach where the Spanish dudes go, lovely Paella, or more funky is Salinas beach, nice restaurants there...the Blue Marlin is lovely but a bit more expensive, you need to get a taxi there, hire a sofa and lounge about looking cool (to do that I need to keep my t-shirt on/use mirrors/smoke/masks).

And get some nice tanned ass while you're out there and a decent pill, better still powder MDMA

It will make you feel so much better (for a few hours until the comedown). Don't do any coke, it's shit. Actually, dont do anything...

Ibiza is fun...im out there soon as well for the closing parties...mmmm...

On the iPhone so can't write full message - will do later though.
I want to text him now, I want to tell him I miss him and to give me a second chance, I want to tell him I made a fool of myself because I was trying to impress him and make him jealous. I want to tell him I know he must have no respect for me given I was so willing to jump into bed with him but I only did it because I wanted to see him again before he called it all off
I'm not going to contact him but I sooo want to!

Dont do it! He will have zero interest if you are so available, please dont

I'm not going to just wish I could do something!

The best thing you could do right now is start thinking what it is you want from a man. A man, no matter how great he is, is not going to make your life complete. You need to do that. You need to feel happy and content within yourself, and genuinely believe that any man would be darn lucky to have you.

And you dont feel that way yet, to me.

oh frazzle, your thread title jumped out at me, I'm kind of going through the same thing. I met him a year ago at college and we became friends, he suggested we stay in touch when college finished in June which we did. We've met up about 3 times since leaving college, once for lunch and then twice last week pub and cinema. I really, really like him and cant stop thinking about him. I cant concentrate on anything and I too feel anxious and sick, mainly at the thought of not seeing him again. But I'm not sure even if he likes me, hes only ever hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I really understand what your going through and its so hard not to text him first but I'm going to be strong this week and wait and see if he texts me first. I'm going to read the rest of the thread as I'm sure you've been given some really good advice. Thanks for starting the thread, I was beginning to get really annoyed with myself, I'm not a teenager but a 36 year who should know better. (sorry to go on, needed to get it of my chest)

Perfumed - That is so wierd! I wonder why he said that. Men are so strange. In fact Ben and I spoke about men and women. He said women are impossible to work out - er hello? Pot calling kettle?
About knowing what I want from a man, I think I've figured it out - I think that's why I met Ben, to make me realise what I want. I'd like a kind, charming, attractive and sophisticated man who lives their dreams, too much to ask for?
I'm not even bothered about being with someone just yet. I'm not desperate for a relationship but it's nice to have some male interest!
I'm not sure I'll ever be happy and content with myself tbh, I think I need to be with a man to make me feel like that, as sad as it sounds

I just feel completely helpless. I think I might have been fairly spoilt as a child and probably as an adult too. I can't take it if I can't have something I really really want. I feel like there absolutely must be something I can do to make him change his mind! That's my brattish behaviour coming out. It's just so maddening!
I know it's not me, it's him. It just makes you think "but why don't you think we click? What is it I don't have that you want?" Makes me feel incomplete

Toffee - Did you manage to have a read? There's some great advice on here

Coolfonz - Excellent advise re "Beefa" - not sure the drugs will help though! Much as I'd love to have a go, I'm too chicken. I'll be the one who ends up on life support!

Managed to read the whole thread, some very good advice. I also am finding it hard to sleep thinking about him and hes the first thing on my mind in morning. I've just started a new job and instead of concentrating on learning what i'm supposed to be doing, I find myself thinking of him. I've even lost my apetite and hardly eaten since the weekend. I'm so glad others have shared their experience, I would've been too embarassed to admit how I feel incase people told me to grow up and get a grip. But I dont choose to feel this way, its out of my control. Last night I tried really hard not to text him but I gave in and went against the advice of other MNetters, he texted back and gave me his msn name after I asked him and we chatted for about an hour, but he gave nothing away as to how he feels. I know he probably wont text/email/phone this week and I'm going to try not to contact him, I hope I dont cave in again.

Toffee - but he hasn't actually told you he's not interested.....you still stand a chance! Just be careful, easier said than done though. Unfortunately you can't control your emotions. It's been over a week since I last saw Ben but I'm still pining. It's bloody ridiculous as it seems like months ago I last saw him.
I can't bear the thought of never ever seeing him again or hearing his voice.
Keep thinking I really messed up. Things I said or did. I want to rewind time and start again

Your right Frazzle he hasnt said he isnt interested, he keeps his emotions well hidden and thats really frustrating for me who is fairly open with their feelings. Last night was quite bad I didnt get to sleep till gone 2 thinking about him and now I feel crap and have to go off to work. I do think I wont hear from him again, I dont think I'm intelligent enough for him, he likes reading books on politics and philisophy something I'm not really interested in.
Hope you have a better day Frazzle, you sound lovely

Ben sounds like a right dick to me.

A bloke with cock difficulties who goes on dating sites and messes women around. Wowza! What a catch!

Keep thinking I really messed up. Things I said or did. I want to rewind time and start again

You must stop thinking this way FR. Also, I know you said you are not going to actually contact him, but the following:

I want to tell him I miss him and to give me a second chance, I want to tell him I made a fool of myself because I was trying to impress him and make him jealous. I want to tell him I know he must have no respect for me given I was so willing to jump into bed with him but I only did it because I wanted to see him again before he called it all off

is worrying! You should not be blaming yourself for this! This is why I think you should spend some time on yourself and on your self-esteem, because if you think of yourself in such a negative way, why would anyone else think otherwise? Please don't be wishing he would give you a second chance, if anything it should be the other way round - he was the one who messed you around! And it takes two to get into bed.

I think you need to accept that this one is not going to happen and focus on doing things that you will enjoy, and that will make you feel better about yourself. Have a haircut, buy a new top, or just give yourself a pedicure. Whatever it takes to make you feel good. I know it's not easy, but be kind to yourself.

Good luck on your date tonight Frazzle I think going out and seeing different guys will help us heal.

My date last night went well he is the polar opposite of Martin and my ex husband and that I think is good for me. I am seeing him again Saturday.

As part of my healing , I signed onto match today and using a fake profile I set up a couple of weeks ago I clicked on Martins profile and made myself read it and look at his photo , and do you know what it barely hurt at all I felt a bit sad but NOTHING like I had been feeling a week or so ago.

I hope that this date tonight will have the same effect for you regarding Ben ... fingers crosssed.

I am not saying I am over Martin it just feels better now and I think i am a week ahead of your pain, so try to think positive get through tonight and well you never know maybe just maybe Ben will fade a little bit from your mind.

Hi Frazzle, sorry to just butt in, I have no advice about the Ben situation, (though sounds like you've had plenty of good advice already) but picked up on the Interior Design course you wanted to do.

I am all but finished a diploma in ID with the National Design Academy, I thought I'd make you aware of it because I have done it with 3 kids at home, so no need for child care, the NDA have been great, and the fees are small compared to some of the other courses I looked at. I am planning to start my own business off the back of the diploma (don't know if I'm more mad or stupid, we'll soon see I guess!) Anyway, thought it might be of interest?

Good luck for tonight :)

Well I'm back. We had a nice time. Seen eachother about 4 times now but he's not Ben. We even spoke about getting our hearts broken. He told me about a girl he fell for so I told him about Ben. I wouldn't have said anything otherwise. We still get on really well but still no spark - well not from my side anyway. We're friends on FB now anyway.
I spoke to Ben number 2 on phone on way home, who still seems interested. I'm just nervouse as there's only one pic of him - anyway, who am I to judge over one pic?!
Anywho... thought I'd update before I go to bed.
That guy who found me on Match has contactede me on FB, I emailed back but he wants to meet for a beer - dangerous ground as my friend had a fling with him, still it would only be as friends. I've never been attracted to him. I should tell her really...?
Nataliejane - I'll check out that link now thanks for that