I've fallen for someone big time, feel out of control and stupid

[FrazzleRock]

I'm an idiot. I stupid idiot.
I met him on Match about a month ago. Had three dates in that time. During that time he went to France for two weeks and I waited for him.
I feel so totally head over heels in love (lust?) and we get on really well and have lots in common. We arranged to meet again Sat night just gone but he told me on Friday the following:

"I need to be honest I'm not sure it's a good idea to meet. I don't believe we have a future. I know we will end up in bed so if you are just after a little no strings fun then maybe ok. But if you are looking for something serious then maybe we shouldn't. I'll leave it up to you. X"

I just wanted to see him again (I know, I know) and responded with:

"Well it's not really a huge surprise! I can't see myself having a future with anyone right now. Way too soon for all that. No strings fun sounds perfect to be honest. I knew it from the start, why not just enjoy it xx"

So, Saturday happened. We went for dinner then a drink then back to his.
We had a really good time at the restaurant and the pub. Back at his we still had a great time, he was really affectionate.
However, he never even got it up!
I asked him if he was really tired or something as he was clearly enjoying kissing and cuddling. He said we just don't "connect" therefore couldn't actually have sex (wtf? "No strings fun"?)
I said "so you don't find me attractive or sexy then?" he said "of course I do!"
I said "so is that it?" He said "yes"
I then said "So, we're not going to see eachother again?"
He looked really shocked and said ", Why would you say that?!"
He spent the rest of the night kissing me and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Then cuddled me really tightly all night.
I'm so confused!

I just don't understand. Why couldn't he just be horrible and distant? Why bother with all the affection?

He removed his profile from Match a week or so ago but I've just gone on tonight and he's back on!

Obviously I feel really stupid but I don't regret going to his as I felt I needed to.
I feel stupid for allowing myself to get so wrapped up in him.

I feel sick to see him back on Match. Even though I know he doesn't want us to have a future.

He texted me yesterday (when I got home) asking me about my day (why?)

I just don't know how I'm going to get over him. I know with time I will and I'm chewing my fingers off so I don't contact him. But I feel so sick and anxious all the time. I want to cry so much but it's stuck on my chest.

I'm just such an idiot. How could I have let this happen? I'm 31 years old ffs, I should know better

bridget - fab news about Monday
I'd love to hear how it goes! Is he taking you out for a meal?

I might have one tonight too (providing ex can have my boys). Plus there's another who wants to meet but I'm struggling to get babysitters (and ex very unreliable due to work) so I'm going to have to leave that one for a week or so.
Not one of these guys, just to look at, make my heart skip a beat though. Ben made me feel like that even before I met him!

Ok I've written it all down on email. I don't have his email address (although it's on his website) so can't send it.

I must be friggin nuts. Not the strong person I thought I was/once was.

Pull yourself together Frazzle, you know better than this. You're a grown woman, not a stupid little teenager with a crush, GET OVER IT WOMAN!

Oh Frazzle. Completely feel for you. I am rushing out now but wanted to send you my hugs and empathy.
Will post again later today when I have a moment.

thanks Mabel.

Frazzle - good link!
Just get it into your head that this Ben guy would have been absolutely hopeless in bed and maybe that'll help the process of getting over him.

I did find in my own case when I was falling for X I had a completely jittery heart, couldn't stop thinking and obsessing about him when I thought he might not be interested or when I wasn't sure what he felt. Then the minute he was more keen I became a lot more rational about what was happening. Do I really want this? Is he really all that? I started to think about what I REALLY wanted as opposed to worrying whether or not X liked me or not.

Part of why you find Ben so attractive is undoubtedly because he's made himself unobtainable to you.

Anyway, as for coping strategies for getting over the misery you're feeling right now. I haven't got many suggestions, other than time will obviously make it much easier. Can you go out with friends, get a bit drunk and have a laugh about it? It helps to trivialise these things sometimes so they don't overwhelm you.

How you doing?

You're right. The moment any man shows me attention, I start to back off. But it was different with him because when he did, I got more excited to be with him.

I keep thinking that this time last week we were together, chatting over a pizza.
This time last week would be the last time I spend with him - I can't get my head around that. I feel like that can't possibly be true.
One of the guys I met on Match, who I was supposed to see tonight (but couldn't because of Mr Unreliable Ex) told me I should fight for Ben, if he means that much to me. I told him about him as I felt it was unfair to see him when all I could think about was B. He was very sweet about it but reckons I should tell him how I'm feeling. I really don't think so. I can't bear the knock back. I think he's made it quite clear how he feels and I would look like a desperate prat.

That song is very funny and I can think - oh he'd be crap in bed, but I know that's something you can work on. Anyway, he's so affectionate in bed! Without all the nitty gritty. He's an amazing kisser and just the thought of him just stroking my hand or hair just sends me into a spin.
Why the hell did he do that if he knew there was nothing for us?
Why didn't he just turn over, ignore me an go to sleep? It doesn't make sense!
I think, if he'd have been a wanker I would be able to accept it easier but he so wasn't!

Oh it's awful when you fall for someone and they don't play ball. Excuse the pun, it sounds like he has erectile problems and probably knows it. I think he was setting you up for the disappointment when it happened again, although he also set himself up by offering you no strings fun that he couldn't fulfill.

Agree with others, don't feed the crush and it will evapourate. Don't contact him and block him on match, if you can do that on there, so you don't find out his online activites.

You are going to Ibiza soon, lucky you. I would like to wager a bet that by the time you get home you won't be obsessing about him anymore. Mind you I'm a bit of a heartless bitch and my crushes are usually short lived as they are mainly reserved for prize bastards. I'm older than you so have had lots of practise at forgetting them.

abouteve - your post made me smile, thank you.

Yes I have Ibiza to look forward to but I'm kind of nervous about it as it's not my thing at all! I'm imagining hundreds of pill popping, coked up freakos (and that's just my friends )

Go with the flow you will have a great time.

If Mr floppy does really want to keep in touch then no harm in keeping him as a contact and in the meantime try and keep busy with other things. Don't meet up with him for ages and only if you are feeling much stronger. Take faith in the fact that you can have wonderful feelings for someone but this one wasn't right at this time. It would be extremely frustrating for you if you had carried on seeing him.

I don't think he will keep in touch.

I feel like I want to fight for him now! Been thinking about it all night.
I think I'll wait until after Ibiza, see if I'm still missing him (pretty sure I will be) Then I'll decide whether or not to make a complete fool out of myself.
This time last week I was in his bed, lying in his arms ........

Morning Frazzle,

No don't fight for him Men have an idealistic view of fighting fior their woman but if a woman fights for thenm they just make us feel worse.

My date in monday is just a drink, he has been in France this weekend but texting me loads so i'm hopefull that he is at leasty attentive.

Okay confession from me ,a week after Mr I can't commit myself from match dumped me I looked up his number on my online bill and decided to fight for him in the hope that he was missing me too. I sent just one text telling him how much i missed him etc and he did reply just said I don't know what to say to that all I can say is sorry and that one word does not seem enough.

I felt stupid, I felt I had lost a bit of my dignity and I feel now that he has the moral high ground, I hate him a bit now so that is good.

I know what you mean about not going wow when you look at new guys pics, but it isn't always instant my heartbreaker I was not at all sure about meeting cos of his pic but when I met him WOW kicked it... I rather wish it hadn't.

I'm sorry your date got cancelled (damn ex's) maybe next one don't be so honest about yearning for Ben, it may make people think you are just not ready to date again.

Lily Allen song is fab and perfect for your situation I think that shows you have started to heal a bit because you can see the funny side of that song.

excuse typo's hit send too soon by mistake, I wanted to say enjoy Ibiza and you don't have to do anything out there you don't want to it's not all crazy and pill popping .

It might do you the world of good and Ben or Mr floppy as abouteve aclled him will be a distant memory, it might still hurt but not as much

I'm pretty sure he'd send a similar text to your Mr can't commit or ignore it altogether. I just feel like I haven't tried. It will sound desperate and stalkerish so, you're right, I shouldn't fight. I've just got this incredible yearning to.
He told me he had a sort of stalker who looked up his email address and sent him emails - I don't want to be that person. I just want him to change his mind about me. Fat chance!
I'm pleased I didn't go on the date with this other guy. I emailed him on Match to say I wasn't ready to date again so soon (I wasn't that keen on him anyway and he seemed too full on when talking to him, a bit creepy). He ended up calling me yesterday so I had to tell him over the phone.

The one on Wed is really nice. In fact I bumped into him yesterday in town, weird as he's not seen me with the kids yet but we went for coffee. We get on really well, he's attractive and we're very similar in personality but he just doesn't do it for me. He's not my typical type. Ben was completely my type, looks wise, everyone said so. But his personality was a million times better than the typical guys I go for. It was like a breath of fresh air!

Yup Lily Allen's song is fantastic but the one that follows on her album is "Who'd have known" which completely reminds me of him and the time we spent together. Everything she says in that song was true at the time, I used to play it all the time when we were dating.
I'd better not listen to it anymore, I bloody love that song too!

Re Ibiza, I've been told to go to the north of the island. Apparently that's the nice end. It's not really down to me though so we'll see.....

You are definitely sounding more positive so that is good, I know what you mean about wanting to fight I truly do and only you know whether or not you will better or worse afterwards especially if you get the same response I did.

Maybe the Wed date guy will grow on you but if not just keep looking, some guy will tick all your boxes again and you really will look back and laugh at this time.

I am now thinking hmmm about my Monday guy because I zoomed in on his picture and he wears a necklace not sure about men and necklaces reminds me of that guy off the A team !! But we shall see, thankfully I don't think he'll know I've looked because e harmony is not like match with the views thing.

I'll report back on the Monday guy I want WOW will probably get EUUUUW

Maybe play the who'd have known track again and have a good cry we all have our triggers that bring back memories and sometimes we juat have to deal with them

I believe the old saying that : 'everybody who comes in our life gives us something, opens a door'.

What attracted you to this man was his 'get up and go' attitude and his interests and projects. Maybe he reminded you that you want more from life, this lifestyle is 'you'. The same happens with female friends/colegues , some people have an aura, an energy. They 'wake you up'. You want to copy them.

What you liked about him you can create it yourself. In YOUR life.

The evening course is a good start, good luck with it.

FR please don't contact him again! I don't think that this is the sort of situation that warrants 'fighting for' someone. I think it will just make you feel worse - he has made his feelings clear, and the best thing you can do now is walk away with your dignity intact. Don't waste your energy on someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings, instead focus your energy on yourself, and on improving your own self-esteem so that you are fully prepared whenever you meet one of the many men out there who will appreciate all of the wonderful things about you!

In her autobiography Dawn French recalls a time during her childhood when her father sat her down and said 'don't dare worry about whether you deserve this man or that man - it should be the other way round! Wait til you find someone who really deserves you!'. ie you are beautiful, and men should be fighting for you, not the other way round!

But I'm still aching When will it stop?
Ex H is here and I so wish he wasn't. It's making me miss Ben even more I just want to run away and cry and scream.
This is getting ridiculous, how long will this take?
I bet you lot are tearing your hair out right now with me. You're all being so kind, I'm not sure I could get this far without you.
I've had enough with feeling so low. This should be such a happy time now I'm apart from H. I feel like Ben's ruined it for me and it's not even his fault

Well it's only been a few days! As I said before I don't think it's about missing him, as he was only in your life for a brief period. You may find some comfort in that. I think this is more about the disappointment and deflated feeling that what you thought might be something great didn't work out. I think you have built Ben up to be this fantastic person who was going to make your life wonderful and solve every problem. But he was never going to be that. Instead, you can make your own life wonderful, one step at a time. Write down what things you would like to improve, and how you could go about improving them. Write down a list of your blessings and remind yourself never to take them for granted. And one day someone will come along who you don't need to make everything better, but who you want.

I know you're right nbyet. I'm just an incredibly impatient person.
When I want something, I want it right now and right now, I want this stupid childish feeling to end!

My mood swings are so up and down. I'm feeling fairly ok right this minute but I can plummet in a second

Frazzle I'm back again with another dating disaster story, Been chatting to another guy on match just for a few days and he lived in the town near me that a festival was happening all weekend.

He seemed really nice so when he said I will seek you out and say hello I said ok.... seemed simple enough yes?

He sought me out said hello I thought euuuw and he said he'd text me in the week, I intended to get text then text him back and say thanks but no thanks nice guy but so not for me.

Instead my phone rang 2 hrs later, i picked it out my bag saw it was him and ignored it. One minute later he tapped my shoulder and said thanks for ignoring me!! Oh dear oh dear I feel really bad honestly I do but nothing I can do about it.But I feel gloomy because I hate offending people

I am only teling you this to make you smile, I am an official dating disaster today!!

It's perfectly normal for your feelings to be up and down , nobody ever said dating would be easy and it sure isn't.

I too am inmpatient and if I can't have things when I want them it's horrid.... are you a gemini??

Tomorrow is my date with the necklace man are you still lined up to meet the other guy?

I think that perhaps you need to see a doctor then FR. This sort of emotional response (ie talks of your mood 'plummeting') is not a proportionate response to what has happened, and what has happened with Ben may simply be a catalyst to something deeper - clinical depression perhaps. That's not to say that your response is abnormal, but just that if you put into perspective what happened with him, and compare it to how devastated you feel now, it doesn't quite match up, does it? So perhaps there is a bit of generalized depression there too, to be expected after a marriage break-up, even if it is delayed.

Nbyet - I have always wondered if I get a touch of depression but always had something to blame my mood swings on. I have pcos which can cause depression. You're right, it doesn't quite match up.

Bridget - yes I'm a Gemini!! I've been told I'm a classic text book Gemini too
Aw bless that guy Embarrassing for you too!
I'm feeling quite good just now. Been chatting to another match guy on phone for an hour and 50! Another Ben, also a Scorpio like him so I'm a bit weary to say the least! Sounds superficial but there's only one (good) pic of him on match and I'm nervous I won't find him attractive when I meet him (how horrid am I?) Damn am on iPhone and out of space. Ex has MacBook and I can't read what I'm writing....

I think I need to be very careful from now on when I meet new guys. I don't intend to hurt like this again, well for a long time anyway...
Still, this new one (well we've been chatting on and off on match for a few weeks but only just spoke on phone) is helping me to take my mind off other things which can only be positive

That's very good! Just be careful though. Try, as hard as it is, not to get carried away, remember it's a two-way process, and think carefully, if you do meet him, whether he would be right for you. Enjoy but be careful!

Hey frazzle, i just wanted to say i know how you feel. i've just spent over a year with a man who I knew didn't want me but he got inside me somehow (no pun intended!)

He also had erectile problems, but that never stopped me being crazy about him. Some men just do that to you. I also feel that i should be stronger than this at this age...but this stuff happens at any age. Can't get him out of my head. Wish he felt more. Keep listening to soppy songs...what a big wuss but I can't help it.

Time apart is helping, as is being busy. But these are all just platitudes. You probably feel nobody understands. A lot of people don't because they're in happy relationships or it's been a while since dating. But I completely get it. You sound stronger than me tho...I am still pining horribly and wondering why. Think I'm looking for something to fill a gap in my life...why does it have to be a man? But I do love men and can't help it.

blah...blah...blah....it's not fair and I think you're really mean...guess it's just heartbreak and everyone feels like they're the only one. Hurts tho doesn't it? Like everything you see has a grey cloud covering it. And everything before was magical...guess we're just sentimental old fools. Sorry not helping much...just so you know you're not alone....onwards!!!