I've fallen for someone big time, feel out of control and stupid

[FrazzleRock]

I'm an idiot. I stupid idiot.
I met him on Match about a month ago. Had three dates in that time. During that time he went to France for two weeks and I waited for him.
I feel so totally head over heels in love (lust?) and we get on really well and have lots in common. We arranged to meet again Sat night just gone but he told me on Friday the following:

"I need to be honest I'm not sure it's a good idea to meet. I don't believe we have a future. I know we will end up in bed so if you are just after a little no strings fun then maybe ok. But if you are looking for something serious then maybe we shouldn't. I'll leave it up to you. X"

I just wanted to see him again (I know, I know) and responded with:

"Well it's not really a huge surprise! I can't see myself having a future with anyone right now. Way too soon for all that. No strings fun sounds perfect to be honest. I knew it from the start, why not just enjoy it xx"

So, Saturday happened. We went for dinner then a drink then back to his.
We had a really good time at the restaurant and the pub. Back at his we still had a great time, he was really affectionate.
However, he never even got it up!
I asked him if he was really tired or something as he was clearly enjoying kissing and cuddling. He said we just don't "connect" therefore couldn't actually have sex (wtf? "No strings fun"?)
I said "so you don't find me attractive or sexy then?" he said "of course I do!"
I said "so is that it?" He said "yes"
I then said "So, we're not going to see eachother again?"
He looked really shocked and said ", Why would you say that?!"
He spent the rest of the night kissing me and stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Then cuddled me really tightly all night.
I'm so confused!

I just don't understand. Why couldn't he just be horrible and distant? Why bother with all the affection?

He removed his profile from Match a week or so ago but I've just gone on tonight and he's back on!

Obviously I feel really stupid but I don't regret going to his as I felt I needed to.
I feel stupid for allowing myself to get so wrapped up in him.

I feel sick to see him back on Match. Even though I know he doesn't want us to have a future.

He texted me yesterday (when I got home) asking me about my day (why?)

I just don't know how I'm going to get over him. I know with time I will and I'm chewing my fingers off so I don't contact him. But I feel so sick and anxious all the time. I want to cry so much but it's stuck on my chest.

I'm just such an idiot. How could I have let this happen? I'm 31 years old ffs, I should know better

Because for some damn reason we just want to be loved and he has snatched away all your expectations for the future no matter how short a time you were with him it still hurts and you/we still need to heal.

Somebody better will be in both our futures and though it does not feel like it, one day we will look back and laugh at this time in our lives.

Hey I have improved already i can type on here about it without crying this is day 10 for me and already i'm stronger, you will be too

bridget - I hope I can get stronger.
I keep looking on Match to find him online - it's obsessive and I can't help it, it's an overwhelming urge.
I don't go into his profile as I don't want him to know I've seen him on there but still, it's a bit sad (as in pathetic) isn't it.
I'm a grown woman with my own mind and normally extremely rational - wtf is wrong with me!
I think I need a big slap

Ooh I have been in a similar situation in the past. It can feel reeeeally awful, mainly because there's not obvious reason why your imaginary perfect relationship can't actually be. If you'd found out that he was married or on the run from prison or secretly gay it would be easier! It could be what homeboys suggested, but just as likely that he is just playing around. Experience tells me to listen when someone's telling me they're not looking for a relationship. I know I have said the same thing, and what I was thinking at the time (and it definitely wasn't "ooh, what a dreamy future I have with this person!"). Delete his number, but more importantly try to distract yourself. How old are your DC?

I don't even want a relationship just now, I was never expecting it.
Obviously it would have been a nice surprise if it eventually turned into something special but for the time being I was happy going on dates and enjoying his company. I just feel horrible thinking I might never see him again Not only is he good looking, we get on very well, he's ten years older (he's 41) so I suppose the thought of someone more mature was really appealing, and he really lives his dreams. The fact he didn't get it up doesn't even bother me! I just felt I wasn't given much chance.

I have two DS's, they are 5yrs an 18 months.
He knew I had children from the start too.
I just feel like he must have thought I was boring

He's just not the right person for you at the moment, there's nothing wrong with you I'm sure! I'm a habitual haver of crushes too so I do sympathise, but they do evaporate soon if left unfed. Maybe plan a really busy time for the next few weekends - visit friends/family, organise a day out with DSs, go on a treasure hunt or something. Have a full diary so there's no time to be sitting around the house mooning about him. And no more online stalking! I used to literally run off with my friend's laptop to stop her doing this!

Oh Frazzle - am so sorry you're feeling so crappy. Please don't berate yourself for obsessing and crying. You're human, and you're heartbroken - it's the process you kind of have to go through.

However, I think you should get away from the computer for a bit (altho' I know that also means getting away from the wonderful MN). It will feed your obsessing if you're able to log on and see him on Match.

Keep crying if you need to. It helps.

But try and get out and do something strenuous, something all-consuming that will take your mind off him, if only for a bit. Just to show yourself that you don't need to think about him ALL the time.

And remember...he couldn't get it up. So how much are you actually missing out on?! Picture his limp dick and maybe that will help cure the blues .

And sorry - I don't mean to sound too glib, of course. But it's good to bear in mind that these men are never as amazing as you think they are.

Sorry - X posted.

You never know Frazzle, he might get back in touch if he starts to miss you. You might actually get that fun time together. But don't WAIT for it, if you can possibly help it. Really force yourself to take yourself away from thoughts of him.

I know I sound like a broken record but go for a cycle, swim, run. Can you do this?

I'm going to the gym tonight and tomorrow night but I know I'll be thinking of him the whole time I'm on that treadmill - it's where I do a lot of thinking!!

I'm also off to Ibiza for a friend's 40th birthday next weekend. Trying to think of things to do this weekend. Going to my mother's on Sunday but that'll be a day of me moaning to her about him.

I'm desperate to call him but if/when he doesn't answer I'll assume he's missed my call on purpose. I shouldn't call him I know that but the urge is unbearable!

To top it all off, I had lost my appetite (good old love/lust diet!)
I was actually feeling really slim and lovely. Now all I want to do is eat crap and I can feel the weight piling back on already. Obviously this is the least of my worries but trying to work on my bikini body for Ibiza!

Hi FR,

I hope you don't think I'm belittleing your feelings, because I'm not, but I do want to point out that what you are feeling is probably not really anything to do with 'him'. It's probably a combination of disappointment, and rejection. You are wondering whether you were too 'boring' for him, and you are now sabotaging your weight loss by over-eating. It is a very sad fact of life that us women allow men to have SUCH an impact on us that it makes us doubt ourselves, when actually we should be cherishing ourselves! PLEASE don't meet up with this guy if he contacts you again. You clearly (and mistakenly) see him as 'out of your league', and allowing him to use you for his own amusement is only going to make you feel worse. Victor on Ultimate BB was saying only last night how it frustrates him when he tells a woman that he doesn't want a relationship, just a bit of fun, they agree to this and carry on seeing him, and then after a few weeks they want to sit down and 'have the talk'. When a man says he doesn't want a relationship, he usually means it.

You need to remember that your feelings are not actually about 'him' - if they were, they would be disproportionate for someone you have been on a few dates with. Instead, it's about what you feel you want from life, and what you feel is lacking in yourself/your current situation, and I think it's very important that you pick yourself up, brush yourself down, and start to really care for yourself. Remind yourself of all the wonderful things about you, of how much love and respect you deserve, and make a promise to yourself that you will allow no man to mess you around or make you feel unworthy ever again!

Oh nbyet - I totally agree with what you're saying

hmm, I think you might be right nbyet.

Ok, it's all over now. Got the goodbye text today.
I suppose this is "closure" At least I won't be waiting around for him to contact anymore.

Feel so sad I won't ever see him again . I miss him terribly already. Even just the sound of his voice.

Also got to try not to look him up on google anymore as there is loads of stuff on him, never mind stalking his Match profile.
What the hell have I turned into!? Someone I really don't like. A pathetic obsessive little girl. I'm so not normally like this!

Desperately trying not to be shouty mummy today. Really don't want to take my sadness out on them Lots of deep breathing...

Oh frazzle big ((hug)) to you , my closure came by text too and that was so undignified I felt I deserved better but it gave me an insight into the type of man he really was.

Please stop looking at his match profile put him into removed profiles because every time you look it will just hurt you again and again.

Also please delete his number and don't memorise it, because believe me you will to text him and tell him you miss him so very much and this will do your dignity no good whatsoever.

Hard as it is try to think of some things that you didn't like about him and focus on those, this is what i am doing and I even managed a sneer this morning remembering how he used to fuss over his golf clubs.Silly little things but honestly they do help and there must have been something, nobody is perfect.

Try to do something happy with your little ones, if not today then tomorrow. you will probably still think about him the whole way through it but at least you will be doing something normal, and that's all you have to do, walk, talk and breathe nobody is asking you to dance on rainbows or swing from the rafters.

Just one day at a time and it WILL get better

Hi Frazzle. I've been there as well, and my advice to you is to print out Nbyets post, and keep reading it so that it will help you to understand why you feel the way you do at the moment.

Concentrate on the things that are important in your life right now. Look at the things that make you TRULY happy; not that surface ego-trip happy, but deeply happy - your DC, friends, having a lovely Mum who's shoulder you can cry on, good health, a roof over your head. These are the important things -not a fuckwit who can't even get it up.

And look after yourself. xx

FR, as horrid as this may feel now, it is actually the best thing for you. You need a clean break from this guy, as he simply does not want the same things as you.

I do recall a very interesting speech from that film 'He's not that into you', I think the gist of it was that where the main character tells a woman that those butterflies we think we feel when we meet certain guys are actually our insecurities and uncertainties coming to the surface. The 'will he call or won't he call' experience is usually borne of the fact that we cannot be sure whether this man is going to be reliable and trustworthy, and actually although that makes us feel like we are being kept on our toes, it doesn't give you the warm and safe feeling you get when you meet someone who DOES cherish you. I think the intensity of what you think you feel for this man is actually a result of how he has kept you on your toes, not any reflection on 'him' or how worthy he is of your affections. And also that feeling of 'missing' him is probably more like deflation.

This is good time for you to take stock, to re-evaluate your current situation, to count your blessings, and to remind yourself of the qualities you are looking for in your ideal man, one of which should be someone who is looking for the same things as you. I think that the more happy and comfortable you are with yourself, the more likely you are to get what you want from a relationship. Keep your chin up duck

Oh you're all so sweet. So understanding. I wouldn't be!
I really really appreciate everything you've all said. Of course you all make perfect sense. I just need to make my emotions see sense, ruddy things need to buck up their ideas!

How are you feeling today Frazzle?
Hope you managed to get some sleep last night I know probably very hard, but one day at a time you will feel better about things

I really feel for you because I have been there too. I met what I thought was a wonderful man on match, he told me he loved me and introduced me to all his family. Then after 4 months he suddenly went cold and told me he didn't love me. As it was the first relationship I'd had after my marriage I was absolutely devastated. Then I met another man who wanted no strings sex and I kidded myself that I did too. But it completely did my head in, as I didn't want no strings at all. I've finally met someone who wants a proper relationship, with kids involved, although I still have to stop myself being paranoid - I think this comes with the territory as a single mum who's been burnt in the past. I've also had your panicky feelings. I went to the docs and I'm on anit depressants - they really help. I'm also having counselling to make me feel better about myself and talk about stress and rejection. Maybe you should have a word with your GP? You shouldn't have to cope with feeling so low on your own. Much love x

I'm feeling very up and down today. I've managed to sleep but when I wake in the night he's the first thing I think of - it's so annoying. My brain is torturing me.

I wish I could just erase him from my memory

googoomama - that's awful

To think I was only seeing him for a month. Four months though.... I hope this new guy works out well for you, I really do.

I did think of AD's but dont want to get addicted to them. I did pinch one of my friend's Xanax - well, a quarter! It helped a lot but obviously I don't want to be taking other people's medication!

I've got some rescue remedy but it doesn't really work.

I've actually got a date lined up with a guy next week who I've seen a few times but there's no chemistry. He's attractive and a very nice guy but I think I'm going to struggle to find someone I like as much as Ben

Frazzlerock - I've just read this and I was shocked. You are NOT boring. You are fun, interesting, and, as a single parent of two children, clearly a very capable woman as well.

Don't you dare settle for anyone who doesn't make you feel wonderful.

I have met you in RL, and I am amazed you can think of yourself like this, and let some idiot make yourself think these things about yourself. Really, there are lots of chaps out there who are going to be pinching themselves, absolutely amazed at their good fortune to have met someone like you. And, at some point, you will meet (at least) one of them.

aw animula - you made me cry! Thank you. I really appreciate your kindness.

I feel utterly pathetic and stupid for letting myself fall so hard and fast for this guy. I'm so angry at myself!

He is such a nice guy though, very honest so I can't fault him just because he doesn't want me. It's my own fault for allowing myself to get so wrapped up in him.
This is what I do though, if I really like someone, I will fall head over heels immediately.

I managed to sleep ok last night but again my brain automatically focus's on him as soon as I wake up - it's infuriating!
All I could think about last night was emailing him and all the things I'd write. Obviously I can't send him anything but I might just type up everything I'd say to him, all my feelings then delete it.....?

FR - don't want to knock Match, but several people seem to have had less than positive experiences on that site. Can I recommend the Times one - encounters? Not sure how it compares cost wise, but I've had really positive experiences on it. Been on there for about 9 months, lots of conversations, quite a few dates (not all great ones, but good experience!), one 'relationship', now met someone wonderful.

I know it's easier said than done, but what about viewing the internet dating thing as an 'exercise' - you know, set yourself specific targets. X number of conversations, Y number of dates. Not within a set time limit (that would be to impose unrealistic expectations). But so that you feel you are in control of the situation more. What do you want to get from the exercise? What are your personal groundrules and limits?

I was nervous as hell doing the internet dating thing, after 20+ years in a marriage and only 1 sexual partner (yes, we do exist!!). I decided that the only way to move on from my personal situation, was to get back out there. So I set myself specific goals - getting my Profile up there, first approach, first conversation, first date, first dumping, first being dumped, first sex with someone other than my ex etc. etc. - recognising that these all needed to happen before I would be in a fit state to have a decent relationship. Think this may be happening now, and I feel so much better prepared for it as a result. I know what I do and don't want, have experimented a bit within my own limits, and so know that the choices I'm making are my own. I also had some super counselling during this process, to ensure that I had a sounding board, and to try to support my growing confidence. An option for you?

I wish you luck and am sure you will get there. At one point, I didn't think I would get here, and I have. So can you!!

That sounds really good Utka, it makes sense but perhaps it is easier said than done? I might give the Times one a go....
I'm not even looking for a heavy relationship just yet. I just completely fell for Ben (but I would have had a relationship with him given the opportunity)
I think just a bit of male attention would be nice, nothing heavy. I need time to find my Mr right.
I think meeting Ben has probably helped actually. It's made me realise that someone like him can be interested in me and I don't have to settle for anything less. It's actually made me very fussy!
I kind of know what I'm looking for - someone who lives their dreams and has a get-up-and-go outlook to life. Someone who has control of their life and doesn't sit back wasting it. Basically the complete opposite of the type of guys I've been out with in the past.

I suppose I should be thankful for that, also he helped me to turn a huge corner after splitting up from my husband.

Now, to get over Ben....

Morning Frazzle and all, I too think of my 3 month match guy last thing every night and first thing every morning it drives me mad and I end up thumoping the pillow with frustration so I guess we are normal.

I'm glad you have a date lined up next week, I do too on Monday night, he seems quite sweet on the phone so we shall see, I'm just like you frazzle in too deep too quickly so i'm going to try and take things slowly this time. This one is from e harmony I tried that site and have to say was not impressed as they have no browsing facility you have to let them mail you the matches and as they had none of very few in my area they sent me lots of what they call flexible matches who lived over 2 hrs drive away, then the guy I am meeting on Monday joined last week so fingers crossed ... for you too. Hopefully they will help erase the other guys from our heads a bit more.

I think the e mail then delete it is a fab idea if it were me I would save it to drafts so when I was feeling down I could revisit but PLEASE DON'T SEND IT you will hate yourself afterwards I just know it.

Have a good day today