I feel violated - but should I?

[feelviolated]

Last night I got home quite late after a few drinks. DH was already in bed, and when I came to bed he started getting quite amorous with me. I wasn't particularly in the mood (very tired after long day), but when he started fingering me, I did respond positively.

It was looking like it would turn into something more so I asked him to stop as we didn't have any contraception and I didn't want to risk a pregnancy (I explained this as the reason). He didn't stop, but instead got much more vigorous with what he was doing, which started to hurt. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn't. He eventually did stop when I push him off and shouted at him.

I was really shaken up and felt so violated. I was in tears, and I rarely ever cry, but it was just so awful. I just can't believe he didn't stop and ignored my requests. It reminded me of being date raped at Uni (even though last night's incident wasn't sex per se).

I spent the night in DD's room and this morning I am so sore from what he was doing - it hurts to sit down.

DH has apologised and said he thought I was only saying to stop because of the initial reason I gave (not wanting sex due to no contraception).

I just feel so violated. And quite frankly cannot abide the thought of ever being intimate with him again.

But is this an overreaction?

No you are right to feel violated, what an asshole .

I dont' think you are overreacting. No means no, you are completly justified in feeling angry with him. Has he ever overstepped the mark before? You need to let him know exactly how he has made you feel and have reassurance that he won't repeat this behaviour again.

What matters isn't whether you "should" feel violated but that you do. Understandably, you may be focusing on your reaction rather than the incident itself, but please know that it is definitely rape. Your feelings are totally justified. His reasoning is pathetic - it's not as if your reasons for saying no should have any bearing on whether he actually stopped or not.

Also, did he know about your date rape experience? If so, it just seems even more wrong to me.

I am so sorry this happened to you. :(

You are not overreacting. And I'd be very wary of someone who got frustrated that easily and got rough. I can't see how it wouldn't escalate. Most loving partners would be horrified and (detumesc quickly) if they realised they were doing something you didn't like. If she got a slight kick out of it I'd be very worried.

And I'm sorry you have been through what you've been through, and you don't need to add the tag 'date' to your rape. I speak as someone who was raped on my university year off in Russia, and it took me years to realise that although I may have compromised my safety, I didn't 'get myself' raped. Only the rapist did that.

'If HE got a slight kick out of it', sorry

No, you arent wrong, he is.

Thanks for all your reassurances. And sorry to hear about your rape otchayaniye.

BlairWaldorf - he does know about the incident at Uni. Though I doubt he would connect these two incidents - particularly as last night was only finger penetration.

I am absolutely sure he didn't get a kick out of deliberately ignoring my pleas to stop. It seems to have just been a misunderstanding as to why I was saying to stop. Though as you point out Blair - the reasons for saying stop don't matter. The fact I wanted him to stop is surely all that should have mattered. I suspect he was just feeling very horny as I have not been very giving in the sexual department. Though that has now taken a massive step backwards and at the moment I can't imagine ever feeling sexually comfortable with him again.

He is very sorry - keeps making me cups of tea etc but I am hiding out in another room (slouching on bed because it hurts to sit properly) as I don't want to spend time with him.

You know him, if you really feel it's not in his character to hurt you deliberately, that it was a misunderstanding, then talk to him tell him how he's made you feel, he has to know.
I wonder though whether there is more to this? Has he been like this before? I just know that if my (then) dh had done this I'd tell him he was a twat, he would be suitably shame-faced and that would be that.
You're hiding from him and cant imagine feeling sexually comfortable with him again - I can only think you have felt uncomfortable with his sexual advances previously, has this incident perhaps brought your concerns to the surface?

Oh, you poor thing. He must have been very rough if you're still in pain - so no matter what he says about misunderstanding, I suspect that at the time he was at least partly angry with you, and the continued digital penetration was him making some sort of awful point. I mean, sorry, but when he's been really horny before, and you've been agreeable, has he hurt you? I'm guessing not.

If you'd said "because of contraception can we do something else" that'd be one thing. But you said no. And more than that, you kept telling him to stop and he didn't. That's beyond a simple misunderstanding, that was him hearing you and choosing to ignore you.

What do you think you might need now? Some time apart from him? For him to accompany you to the doctor while you explain why you're in pain? Counselling?

Oh, OP, that sounds horrible. It must be hurting a hell of a lot if you can't sit down. He was very very wrong to continue when you told him to stop, whether it had injured you or not. It is sexual assault.

The fact that he actually started doing it harder is pretty worrying. If you two are in a long-term relationship then he must have an idea of what hurts and what doesn't. Why does he say he started doing it harder?

Do you think going to the doctor might be a good idea? Haven't a clear idea on exactly wht he was doing, but is it possible that you have bruising or lacerations? They might be able to do something to help you.

I would find it very hard to trust him again as well, and not sure I would want to even talk to him. How does he explain his total disregard of your feelings?

Also wondering why you felt the need to use an excuse - "I am tired/not in the mood" would do fine, surely? Or just "get off". This worries me TBH.

FallingWithStyle - there are other reasons why I sometimes struggle with sexual intimacy with him, but not related to the same thing as last night. We've been trying to work through it, but to have this happen makes me want to shut down everything emotionally - to 'protect' myself.

Tortoise, I don't think he was angry at me last night. I am not sure it was definitely more forceful/vigorous than when we have consensual encounters, but then I am normally more lubricated etc, and certainly when it has ever hurt in the past he would normally stop. But last night he just wanted to continue regardless.

I'm not sure what I need right now. Definitely not worthy of a doctors trip (I'm not bleeding or anything). I know I should sit down and talk to him, but I just want to shut down.

Maybe I'll show him this thread? Then he might realise the enormity of the impact it has had on me. And see that you have all confirmed I am not overreacting.

Going to the Dr may be a good idea as the 'assult' if that's what it was, will be on record god forbid it should happen again, or escalate to something more serious! It will put the wind right up him as well!

Elephants - I am assuming he was doing it harder, as it is often more vigorous finger thrusting that makes me orgasm. He said this morning that he thought I was enjoying it, despite me telling him to stop, which is why he was continuing.

Re. the excuse - well, that was the reason I had wanted it to stop initially. Although I wasn't particularly in the mood, we have been trying to work through the issue of rarely having sex (which is a result of a variety of reasons) so I did feel I needed to at least participate a bit.

There is no "should" when something like this happens. You need to ask him why he wouldn't stop when you asked him too and explain how it has made you feel emotionally as well as physically.

Have you had counselling for your date rape? One thing which is often suggested is having a safe word, which you use when you are seriously saying No! Choose something you can remember but are unlikely to use normally (like the town of your birth or a weird animal or...)

If you continue with him or have other partners in the future it is worth while having one. Then there is Zero reason why anyone can even claim confusion.

Sorrento, he has explained to me. The two reasons being 1) He thought I was enjoying it, and 2) He thought the stop was referring the pregnancy risk.

I know I should explain to him how it made me feel. I find it very hard to talk through emotions - much easier to write it down on a thread like this.

Do you think showing him this thread would be a bad idea?

mummytime, I have had counselling which wasn't specifically about the date rape per se, but about how that (and a couple of other incidents from my past) impact my ability to feel emotionally secure and be intimate.

I've not heard about safe words for "vanilla" sexual activities (though am aware that people into BDSM activities use them). And to be honest, the thought of having to rely on a safe word with my DH kind of horrifies me. I need the trust that when I say no, or stop, he respects me and does it.

I think you have absoluteley every right to feel violated , you have been assaulted. Your reasons for wanting to stop arent important, you told him, he heard you, but decided to carry on against your wishes anyway, only stopping when you physically pushed him off and shouted at him.

Had he done this to someone at work or a neighbour he would be in custody right now.

Somebody else asked whether he was angry with you , and id urge you to think about this carefully. You assume he was horny , but was he ? What was he getting out of doing this to you ? If he was horny and wanted to get off , wouldnt he have tried to coax you into doing something for him ?

As it was, he was doing something to you , something he gets no physical pleasure from, and something you didnt like , making it EVEN MORE UNLIKELEY you were going to respond. Think about that , its not the actions of a man wanting sex is it.

Youve also mentioned that in the past when hes hurt you hes stopped straightaway. Are you sure he is not hurting you on purpose ?

I ask as i have been in a marriage where this sort of thing wasnt unusual , the situation you describe was sadly a regular occurance . My ex didnt want sex on those occasions, he wanted to dominate me and hurt me , and sex was often painfull with him having to be told he was hurting.

I think showing him the thread would be wrong but what you could do is write him a note explaining how you felt and that it must not happen again.

Thanks for your response dignified and sorry to hear about your former marriage.

I really don't think he was angry with me, but maybe there was something else triggering it? hopeful that I'd feel horny as I'd been out drinking or something? Or maybe feeling as I had been out late and he had been looking after the children that I "owed" him something? I don't know - when I feel up to it, I will ask him if there was anything in particular driving this.

One thing I am absolutely sure of however is that he is not hurting me on purpose.

He said this morning that he thought I was enjoying it, despite me telling him to stop, which is why he was continuing.

Have you ever insisted he stops while your enjoying yourself ? This is utter bollocks , and i wouldnt buy it for one moment.Didnt he know initially you werent in the mood anyway ?

He continued because he felt like it , and i dont like the idea of a safe word for normal sex either.

"The two reasons being 1) He thought I was enjoying it, and 2) He thought the stop was referring the pregnancy risk."

Second dignified's question about part 1.

Part 2 is absolute bollocks as well. I'm sure you're both fully aware that fingering doesn't cause pregnancy. To claim that the reason he kept touching you despite you saying "no", was because he assumed your worries were about pregnancy is a pile of disingenuous crap. He must have known (despite your earlier comments) that your "no" was in response to what he was actually doing.

My DP would be mortified (has been in fact) if I told him to stop, or that he was hurting me. He would practically leap to the other side of the room. That's how it should be. Its your body and your right to say no. That's the basic rule, why doesn't he get this?

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

You could tie yourself up in knots trying to figure out why he did it. However your comment

"I need the trust that when I say no, or stop, he respects me and does it."

says it all for me. You asked him to stop and he didn't. In fact he hurt you more. You had to physically push him off to make him stop.

Of course you feel violated, you were assaulted by someone who you should be able to trust. In those circumstances showing him the thread might not be a good idea but you need to make him realise that an apology and a cup of tea is not sufficient to make up for assaulting you.

I hope that you are ok, might be worth going to the docs if you are in such pain?

At the very least, he is failing to listen to you and respect your feelings about something which only you have a right to judge.