Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel violated - but should I?

109 replies

feelviolated · 25/08/2010 11:19

Last night I got home quite late after a few drinks. DH was already in bed, and when I came to bed he started getting quite amorous with me. I wasn't particularly in the mood (very tired after long day), but when he started fingering me, I did respond positively.

It was looking like it would turn into something more so I asked him to stop as we didn't have any contraception and I didn't want to risk a pregnancy (I explained this as the reason). He didn't stop, but instead got much more vigorous with what he was doing, which started to hurt. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn't. He eventually did stop when I push him off and shouted at him.

I was really shaken up and felt so violated. I was in tears, and I rarely ever cry, but it was just so awful. I just can't believe he didn't stop and ignored my requests. It reminded me of being date raped at Uni (even though last night's incident wasn't sex per se).

I spent the night in DD's room and this morning I am so sore from what he was doing - it hurts to sit down.

DH has apologised and said he thought I was only saying to stop because of the initial reason I gave (not wanting sex due to no contraception).

I just feel so violated. And quite frankly cannot abide the thought of ever being intimate with him again.

But is this an overreaction?

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 25/08/2010 15:50

Hope you manage to get through this FV - sounds like you have a lot of straight talking to do

Original poster
feelviolated · 25/08/2010 15:52

I will E&M! And thanks for your good advice on how to take this forward.

Thanks also LadyBiscuit.

OP posts:
dittany · 25/08/2010 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sorrento56 · 25/08/2010 16:13

You need to watch this guy. Sad

dignified · 25/08/2010 16:36

Im with Dittany re the tears.

He wasnt in tears last night when you slept in another room.
He wasnt in tears this morning when he claimed he thought " Stop " meant you were enjoying it.
Yet you show him this thread and suddenly the water works come on ?

I note hes " aghast at the realisation its tantamount to rape ".

No, hes not, hes aghast youve recognised it and named it.
Seems to hes more concerned with what we think, than with what you think. After all, you got a load of excuses , it takes a bunch of internet strangers for him to " realise " he was wrong !

I dont beleive it was a misunderstanding of any sorts , and im not convinced it wont happen again.
Sorry.

Original poster
feelviolated · 25/08/2010 16:49

:(

OP posts:
Original poster
feelviolated · 25/08/2010 16:57

He told me he feels like killing himself now that he realises what he has done to me.

I told him that I thought he would have killed himself last night, as I had thought he would have realised then how awful what he did was.

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 25/08/2010 16:58

He is trying to make it all your fault Angry.

Original poster
feelviolated · 25/08/2010 17:01

How so sorrento?

OP posts:
dittany · 25/08/2010 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sorrento56 · 25/08/2010 17:08

It will be your fault if he kills himself as you have made him feel like a rapist. You do know he won't kill himself don't you?

dignified · 25/08/2010 17:11

Dont let him guilt you like this, its horrible manipulation on his part , YOU are the injured party here and should not have to listen to his emotional blackmail.

Ask yourself FV , if you had hurt him, in whatever way, and he was understandably upset, would you state you felt like killing yourself or would you break your back to fix it ?

Feels like killing himself NOW he realises ? He realised full well last night, straight away.

Standby for some more tears and woe is him ect.

FallingWithStyle · 25/08/2010 17:12

FV - you've said many times you dont believe he meant to hurt you so cant you both just calm down and move on?

Sorry, I know thats going against the general consensus of the thread but none of this drama can be helping, surely?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 25/08/2010 17:15

Oh FGS, you just need to cut off this suicide chat. What have we told him that he didn't already know? Serious question.

He is trying to divert the attention onto him and his feelings. Well, fuck his feelings quite frankly. It is you who has been frightened, assaulted and injured. He is feeling guilty. Good.

IfGraceAsks · 25/08/2010 17:16

I'm liking your reply to him, OP. Well said!

Honestly, I don't know the ins & outs of your relationship and what this incident represents overall. I can't predict your future, or tell you what to do with your marriage. I was very worried when you didn't seem sure if it was okay to feel bad about what he did to you. YES! As you now know, it's reasonable to feel absolutely bloody furious about it.

Of course we're all here for futher discussion as you reach your own judgement.

dizietsma · 25/08/2010 17:17

Have your DH read this

madonnawhore · 25/08/2010 17:19

It's worrying that the OP says that she feels violated and then asks whether she's allowed to feel that way.

OP, your boundaries are your boundaries, if he's overstepped them then that's his fault and you are entitled to feel the way you feel. You don't need permission.

This manipulative guilt trip shit he is pulling on you is just a different way of ignoring how you feel and making it all about him.

dignified · 25/08/2010 17:33

Wow falling , calm down and move on, drama ect ? It certainly is a drama when someone gouges their fingers up you against your will.

Op if he mentions killing himself again id pick up the phone for the gp , i suspect he wont mention it again.

Original poster
feelviolated · 25/08/2010 17:34

Fallingwithstyle, I would like nothing more than to move on. However it is not the physical hurt that I have the issue with. It was him not stopping penetrating me when I repeatedly asked him to. And as the ladies on here have pointed out - that is sexual assault (rape even). And that abuse of trust is going to take some time to move on from.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelviolated · 25/08/2010 17:39

that's a really good link, thanks dizietsma

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 25/08/2010 17:41

great link. I can't get enough of "as men, here's how we can not be so rapey" links.

grapeandlemon · 25/08/2010 17:45

I would find it very difficult to be with a man who did this to me. But good luck and be on your guard Sad

AnyFucker · 25/08/2010 18:15

Didn't have time to post a longer reply than my Hmm earlier....but dignified and dittany have come along and filled in the rest for me

OP...very neat and tidy for him, isn't it?

He gets a lightbulb moment after you show him this thread? When after it happened it was your problem? In fact, it's still your problem, because now you have made him feel all bad and sorry for himself and he feels like ending it all. Pathetic.

What ? A bunch of internet sprites make him see the error of his ways ? I don't think so. This man should be in the last-chance saloon right now. One more episode of this type of "misnderstanding" and finito.

If you value yourself.

Now forget abot any body issues and his support with that (no brownie points from me there either...that is what he should be doing, btw), just make sure he never hurts you like this again

tb · 25/08/2010 18:23

FV, please go and see your GP. It could be that some cream or something will soothe the physical hurt and deal with any possible infection.

IfGraceAsks · 25/08/2010 18:38

Gotta love AnyFucker :)

What she said.