I feel violated - but should I?

[feelviolated]

Last night I got home quite late after a few drinks. DH was already in bed, and when I came to bed he started getting quite amorous with me. I wasn't particularly in the mood (very tired after long day), but when he started fingering me, I did respond positively.

It was looking like it would turn into something more so I asked him to stop as we didn't have any contraception and I didn't want to risk a pregnancy (I explained this as the reason). He didn't stop, but instead got much more vigorous with what he was doing, which started to hurt. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn't. He eventually did stop when I push him off and shouted at him.

I was really shaken up and felt so violated. I was in tears, and I rarely ever cry, but it was just so awful. I just can't believe he didn't stop and ignored my requests. It reminded me of being date raped at Uni (even though last night's incident wasn't sex per se).

I spent the night in DD's room and this morning I am so sore from what he was doing - it hurts to sit down.

DH has apologised and said he thought I was only saying to stop because of the initial reason I gave (not wanting sex due to no contraception).

I just feel so violated. And quite frankly cannot abide the thought of ever being intimate with him again.

But is this an overreaction?

I'm sorry you are going thru this, it must be horribe!

But something you said struck me:

"Or maybe feeling as I had been out late and he had been looking after the children that I "owed" him something?"

Why would you feel you "owe" him something for looking after (I presume) are his own kids? (And even if he is their stepdad, he made that agreement with you to bring them up together).
You have a right to go out, so him looking after the kids when you do, you don't "owe" him anything.

I missed that "owed him something"

OP, there is a whole lot wrong with the dynamics of your relationship here. Whether he truly feels like that or not, the fact that it even entered your head as an "explanation" for sexually assaulting you is very, very concerning.

Oh :( I missed that, too.
So now we have a DH who doesn't respect your body or your feelings, goes into pathetic suicide mode when caught out and considers it a favour to "let" you go out. It's not looking pleasant, is it?

Thank you for that link dizietzma.

I found it really interesting and i think it has a lot to say about feelviolateds situation

feelviolated sorry what I just did was really rude - talking to another poster before you. I have been lurking. I really hope you can sort this out and not let it get swept under the carpet.

I think the "owed" something is being read into too much. At the time I wrote it, I was trying to get through a lot of muddle in my head and try to find reasons etc for things happening.

He definitely does not see it as a favour to let me go out. Not at all. In fact, he is rarely out (once every few months) whereas I am out at least once a week.

With respect to me ever feeling like I owe him. Well, it has been down to me not desiring sex that things have stopped in that department. He has been very patient and kind and loving (as he should be!) about this. But to get us back on track I do need to embrace this side of our relationship more. And my logic in writing that earlier was trying to understand why last night I didn't reject his approaches. Something made me embraced it initially. But I think it is being over analytical to figure that out, and there are other things here I (and DH) need to focus on.

FV...we can only "read" what you "write"...

< shrugs >

I know, I know. And I do appreciate all the advice. Sorry if what I write has not been crystal clear. Its been a very muddled, confusing, emotionally wrought day for me.

FV...of course you are muddled and upset

What you are reading must feel bloody horrendous and like you are being assaulted again

I am really sorry. I think you know why we are concerned though, and are not letting you rationalise this horrid thing away to the status of an inconsequential blip.

'Cos it ain't.

I see. Thanks for explaining that :)

As your first reaction was to look for excuses to his inexcusable assault, it does sound as if your own boundaries - physical & psychological - are a bit weak. This might be connected with your poor self-image; you need some confidence-building! As I said before, I'm very relieved that you have grasped your right to decide what goes into you, when and how. I don't know how (or if) you're going to work this out with DH, that depends on a lot of factors - he took way too much for granted and I share everyone's outrage that he only saw that after a bunch of strangers had pointed it out.

With that in mind, he's probably not the best person to depend on for your personal self-confidence (it's not too bright to depend on one person, anyway.) Can you think about what will help you feel more like your best self? An assertiveness course, dance classes, the gym, a choir? The whole lot?

Meanwhile, DH needs to give some serious consideration to the question of who owns YOUR body, and how to rebuild your trust (if you stay together.)

Sorry if your thread's moved on - I was interrupted while typing, but posting anyway.

If he's got a link to this thread now it might be better to namechange and start a new one?

why, lal ?

he was most interested in everyone's comments a little while ago

interested enough to be driven to harm himself

perhaps he should see it all

Not with him Dittany, but rationalising, then locking away in my head, is my coping mechanism that I have always used for survival.

I go away for work tomorrow so we will not be together then. And we will be sleeping in separate rooms from now on.

I am feeling more calm about it now, and I have no more pain. But I feel emotionally exhausted. All I want is a hug, and he's the one who gives me my hugs normally :(

Why? Because if I was in FVs position I'd feel more able to speak freely if I knew my potentially abusive partner wasn't going to read it?

Have you got DC? They are good for hugging. :) Or ring up a friend and go and see them. You don't have to stay in the house.

I do have DC, but they are at the small and wriggly stage and don't give very satisfying hugs. Don't have any friends close by that I would feel comfortable with them hugging me.

Will have to stick with a nice cup of tea instead.

AF, I do know why you are concerned. And I am grateful for all the time each of you have spent with me today.

All the years I have spent on threads with you in particular on this board giving advice - never thought I would be here being personally subjected to the hardhitting AnyFucker wisdom!

IfGraceAsks - I will definitely think about how to start feeling like my best self again. I do need to. Thanks for all your advice.

FV...oh, do I know you?

then I am doubly bothered by this thread

you would certainly recognise my regular posting name AF

fuck