I feel violated - but should I?

[feelviolated]

Last night I got home quite late after a few drinks. DH was already in bed, and when I came to bed he started getting quite amorous with me. I wasn't particularly in the mood (very tired after long day), but when he started fingering me, I did respond positively.

It was looking like it would turn into something more so I asked him to stop as we didn't have any contraception and I didn't want to risk a pregnancy (I explained this as the reason). He didn't stop, but instead got much more vigorous with what he was doing, which started to hurt. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn't. He eventually did stop when I push him off and shouted at him.

I was really shaken up and felt so violated. I was in tears, and I rarely ever cry, but it was just so awful. I just can't believe he didn't stop and ignored my requests. It reminded me of being date raped at Uni (even though last night's incident wasn't sex per se).

I spent the night in DD's room and this morning I am so sore from what he was doing - it hurts to sit down.

DH has apologised and said he thought I was only saying to stop because of the initial reason I gave (not wanting sex due to no contraception).

I just feel so violated. And quite frankly cannot abide the thought of ever being intimate with him again.

But is this an overreaction?

This is very alarming, OP, you must be feeling at sixes and sevens! It seems odd that he's just suddenly become so aggressive but I think you have to view this as a warning, scary as it is. Have you told him you're still sore? Is he taking it seriously - that is, being concerned for you rather than justifying himself?

Since when did " Stop " become " Do it faster, harder " ect to anyone ?

He started to do it vigourously after you said No , and in my experience that means theyve heard you , and they know theres only seconds before they are MADE to stop , so they sort of do it as much as they can in those few seconds.

Did he resist when you pushed him off or did he stop immediateley ? I used to have to literally wrestle my ex,s hands away.

Sorry to spell this out, but, you said no, so he did it even more so in the hope that you would feel closer to orgasm and therefore reconsider not giving consent. An orgasm or any other sign of stimulation is only a physical reaction and does not equal consent.

What he has done is unacceptable and something which no amount of cups of tea are going to fix.
It doesn't matter whether he's never crossed the line before - he's done it now.
You say "last night was only finger penetration" but in the eyes of the law it is just as serious as rape.

Go to your doctor today anyway and report the physical discomfort you are feeling. Make an emergency appointment if you have to. You don't have to tell them how it happened but you may regret not having it on record later. Please, take it from someone who knows.

ElephantsAndMiasmas

"My DP would be mortified (has been in fact) if I told him to stop, or that he was hurting me. He would practically leap to the other side of the room."

Was considering adding this myself, almost word or word. Spot on. Being treated badly is not "a woman's lot".

It's not a "bonus" to have this quality in our DPs, we're not "lucky" as such - it's a basic expectation and indeed just as it should be.

Dittany made a good point about how rough he must have been if you are sore today. Sureley he knew you were uncomfortable when he was doing it ?

Despite their pleas of ignorance, a man knows when his partner is uncomfortable, way before a woman has to actually say something. They notice your face, a slight change in the way you breathe , or a slight tension in your body. Sex really shouldnt hurt assuming you have no physical issues.

I think this was about him penetrating you , not about sex , and what youve described isnt an unusual form of assault.

Yes dittany. In the same way that if you were punching him in the penis you would probably have some idea that it was hurting. Especially if he kept saying "no".

IfGraceAsks - I wouldn't describe it as aggressive what he was doing. Just vigorous and hopeful of continuing, Which would have been OK, had I not been telling him to stop.

The pain has mostly gone now - I can sit and there is only minimal discomfort with some movement. I think I've been a but scratched inside so his nails were maybe too long.

I understand why Mumi and others are recommending that I see the doctor - even if to just get it on record - but I don't think that is necessary.

Dittany - it is not him that is putting up the barriers, it is me. I think he would be quite willing to talk about last night, but I can't face it. Its easier for me to go into emotional shutdown.

I wasn't aware that in the eyes of the law that as it was just finger penetration it is viewed as the same severity as rape. Emotionally it certainly felt the same - not being able to stop someone penetrating me.

My ex used to do this to me. Dive on top of my, physically hold me down, tell me that I wanted it despite me looking him in the eye and saying no and fighting to get away/telling him he was hurting me and I couldn't breathe due to his full weight on me. Quite a few times he actually got inside me, which when not in the mood, is bloody painful. I believe he resented me for something on some level, still not sure what, but I think this was his way of taking back some control.

OP, you were assaulted my love. I know how horrific it is to think that your own DH is possible of doing something like this to you, but the reality is that he did. No means no when it comes to normal sex, in a normal relationship. He didn't listen, and the result of that is that you can barely sit down or look at him - that in itself proves that it is all so so wrong.

If a stranger in the street did this to you, your first port of call would be the Police Station (I'd hope) - just because he is your DH it does not mean that he now has the right to violate you in a way that would get men arrested for sexual assault.

If it is a scratch internally it would have been unintentional dittany.

Unwanted touching ( anywhere ) is an act of aggresion. Presumably you didnt feebly say stop and continue to lie there with your legs open. Presumably there was an attempt to stop him before you pushed him off.

Again op , i would look seriously at whether he actually wanted sex with you , or whether he wanted to penetrate you and dominate you , as awful as that is.

Because if he did want sex, unless hes stupid, he knew that what he was doing was NOT going to lead to sex.

Something else whats bothered me, you stated earlier that when you feel up to it you were going to ask him if there was anything driving it.

SheWillBeLoved, these words you wrote sum it all up so well:

OP, you were assaulted my love. I know how horrific it is to think that your own DH is possible of doing something like this to you, but the reality is that he did. No means no when it comes to normal sex, in a normal relationship. He didn't listen, and the result of that is that you can barely sit down or look at him - that in itself proves that it is all so so wrong.

I feel like crying again.

If youve been scratched that indicates the force used and reflects the fact that he was NOT doing this to give you pleasure , long nails or not.

He didnt notice hed scratched you at the time and immediateley stop and apologise ? you tend to know if youve scratched someone .

No wonder. Hope you're ok. can you ask him to go out for a bit, or go out yourself? you need time to breathe and it's not going to happen while you're stuck yards from him.

Can't believe you are still in pain, it sounds horrific. I would go to the doctor because I would be worried about infection, that could happen surely?

FV, if you feel you have been raped, it's because you were. Sorry but it's true.

Have a good cry FV, youll be in shock, i used to range from seeing the full severity of it to minimising it , it was much easier to think of it as a misunderstanding ect.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about this ? For what its worth, i wouldnt have a conversation with him about what was driving it, he will only lie and minimise it, and it really doesnt matter what was driving it, he did it , no explanation can possibly excuse it.

Also he would have been able to tell that you weren't very lubricated. And it's aggressive to finger someone so hard they can't sit down the next day. It's violent assault :(

You poor thing, FV

What happened to you, at the hands of someone who is supposed to love you, is grim, very grim

If you are scratched, he would have felt it happen

He should have stopped immediately, and apologised, not make you feel so desperate you had to physically push him off you

I am not quite sure where you need to go with this, tbh. You say your sexual togetherness has been rocky recently but don't think it is for this same reason ? I would bet you have been withdrawing from him for very related reasons, actually. If not for over-forceful sex, at least for bullying behaviour in other aspects of your life together

I would certainly be re-evaluating my relationship with this man

I sent DH a link to this thread, telling him that I can't bring myself to talk to him at the moment but I wanted him to read it to realise how serious last night was and the effect it has had on me.

It was certainly worth doing. He has come to me in tears, apologising profusely and saying he would never intentionally hurt me (which I know). He also thanked me for showing him the thread as it has really hit home how serious it was. He is aghast at the realisation that it is tantamount to rape.

I do truly know that he was not deliberately being aggressive towards me - and I made it clear to him just now that if I had even had an inkling that he was, I'd have kicked him out.

Not sure where we will go from here, the route it will take or how long until (if?) I feel comfortable with him again.

But thank you all for you advice, support and reassurances that I wasn't being petty.

well, that is certainly ties it up neatly

good luck x

Oh FV, I'm glad it worked for you. If we'd known that DH was going to see it I have a feeling there would have been more swearing!

I don't know how, but it's his job to earn your trust back. It's not your fault or your problem (despite what you've been saying about recent sexual problems) - it's his. You need to be 100% sure that he is a loving and trustworthy partner, he needs to respect your bodily integrity as sacred, and above all to listen to you.

And if anything like this happens again - litmus test, you feel violated - then it is over. No more chances, he needs to pay attention to what he is doing and the person he is doing it with.

why the face AF?

In response to your earlier post, no it's not due to bullying aspects at all why our "sexual togetherness" has been rocky. More to do with me having a very bad body image after ballooning in weight when preg. He is very supportive about that.

Assaulting you and ignoring you is not the surest path to boosting your self-esteem. Making you feel loved, appreciated and taken seriously would go a lot further! Tell him that from me.