How should I have handled this?

[Squished]

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

You sound brilliant Xales, well done.

I hope the OP hears what you're saying - it's the rapist who is to blame.

You OK Squished?

Xales :( thank you for telling me that.

I'm okay, if a little wobbly!

Like I said, I'm not at home right now. I have both DDs with me and they are tired and bored and wanting my attention, which is why I'm so slow to post.

Thank you for what ?

Fair enough.

Have you come up with a plan? Will you stay wherever you are? Can you go to your parents tonight?

It might seem all a little drastic to run away at the spur of the moment, but I'm afraid that you're normalising this. If you keep letting him get away with this kind of thing it will get worse.

And I'm afraid I agree with the worst of predictions. I know it must be more than hard to consider, but do you see that he is clearly a candidate as a child abuser?

For the sake of your girls, if not yourself, you have to get away.

squishes, could you drop the girls at your parents and go safely home to pick up a dew things: legal documents, change of cloths?

Yes, that sounds wise Wouldlike, then they don't have to be dragged into any ensuing argument.

squished - if your parents are near why are you even debating this on here? Why not be getting stuff together now and going?

xales - thank you for posting your story, i hope it helps.

fluffy, let's not get judgemental, shall we? she is posting in here because admiting it in rl is hard without any support, because you think noone will believe you, and it is safer, nothing we can really do,
now, hopefully she has some support from us, she can see that this is wrong and she can stop it, and she can be confident that when she tells a real person they won't say she is just being silly.

now, back to positive solutions...

wouldliketoknow - please don't be patronising, its not necessary: 'now back to positive solutions'

Many people have offered help, from practical support to just listening, I have offered any clothing/ toys op needs for her dds, loopy has offered somewhere to stay.

Women's Aid numbers have been given, we have offered to phone the insurance company for her.

We have asked what she needs to get her daughter safe repeatedly, she has not responded.

I am afraid I am judgemental, there is a child suffering a sexual crime here and op can stop that happening. There will be all the support in the world for her here Im sure but she needs to make her dc safe.

Right, here's is my plan.

Once the girls are in bed, I will confront him. We've never done full on screaming matches so I don't think that will happen. If it should get to that (or worse), bags are packed anyway for hospital, and I will get the girls up and go to my parents' house.

We're going home in a few minutes. I will update when I can, but it may well not be tonight.

Squished - congratulations on having a plan.

Try to get all important docs (bank statements/passports etc) in that bag if you can.

Perhaps pre warn your parents that you might be coming, so they know to expect you or to phone at say 8pm to check that you are ok.

Im sure some other posters will have further advice for what to put in your bag and next steps.

fluffy sorry not trying to be patronizing, bad choice of word... noted your positive contribution

i just think that trying to help is more useful than passing judgement, even if it is deserved

didnt mean to hijack the thread

squished would it be a good idea to ring your parents beforehand so that if need be they are aware that things might kick off and can be prepared to come and get you or to arrange taxis or something?

x post
squished, glad you have a plan

will your husband be at home when you get there?

Just going to stick my oar in here Fluffy and say that while I understand you are frustrated, the most important thing is to help squished out of her situation. I don't think anger helps towards that aim.

Squished- it's good that you have a plan, but I don't see the need for a confrontation? There's no possible explanation for what he's done, it's criminal and abusive and as such contact needs to stop NOW.

I'm sorry, but if it turns nasty I don't see you being able to make a quick getaway in the evening with the dd's in bed.

What are you going to say to your husband?

just found this re dependents, its USA but cant see why UK wouldnt be the same:

Health insurance companies always view your minor children as dependents. The definition of "children" in this case is expanded to include your natural blood children, adopted children and even step-children. Your children are considered dependents and can be covered by your health insurance plan regardless of whether they actually live in your house.

Why not take the children to sleep at your parents, leave them there with your mother and have your father with you while you tell your husband why you are leaving?

i also don't see why tehre needs to be a confrontation. simply tell him you are leaving or tell him to leave. whichever you are doing. don't get into an argument, he will only try to rationalise his beahviour and tbh i don't think you are in a good frame of mind to be able to be firm with him and tell him you are still leaving. don't invite any discussion. just tell him it is over and you are leaving.

wouldlike - no worries

sally - i take your point and i agree to a certain extent but I think there does need to be an understanding that it is child abuse and as much as everyone supports the op we also need to think of the dc.

also agree re the confrontation, not sure any good can come of it.

op please at least let your parents know so that they can be on standby in case it gets out of hand.