statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

I'm also (at 39) having a premature menopause - apparantly it is common on my Dad's side of the family - weird! I can't have HRT due to a hormone-dependent kidney problem, but the symptoms are fairly light at the moment - the hot flushes have calmed down a lot.

I'm calmer today. Its about being OK on a day to day basis for me at the moment. I can, and have, decided to cut my mother from my life permanently (well she showed me that that was what she wanted when she acted like I didn't exist at my Gran's funeral 3 years ago) and I am so relieved with the decision. My sister is more complex - I am going to have to see her at family events probably forever. My Dad wants us to "make up" but I just can't let someone so close to my toxic mother back into my life (parents have been seperated since I was 12 and I have a fantastic Stepmum who my Dad has been married to for almost 25 years).

I am in control of my life and my destiny! That is what I am learning to tell myself!

TMSB bows down to Grace......well, no; any age is never too old to heal (or try to)... I will read Homecoming, thanks for the tip.

Thanks for the feedback on the ignored/deaf dynamic. I had not boiled it down to a couple of sentences before. But there is bare truth there, isn't it? Dad did have a powerful hearing aid, but conversation was not spontaneous...and he was dealing with his demons (WW2-probably ptsd and denying mother's mental health issues) and so wasn't really available for important talks let alone intervention (unless the police called a la Oldest Sister).

In the freezer here too. But busy/perfectionistic in the past too.

Great, great help Smithfield. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll print them out and mail to Oldest Sister. She realizes now that she accepted entering the abusive relationship of her current husband because of abandonment/fear issues. She is developing an exit plan, but it will be very hard as he is unemployable and friendless.

SilentCatastrphe, I remember walking the halls of school with my head down and if anyone ever spoke to me, the first thing I'd say was 'sorry'. Did that for years.

People run from the rain, but I find that I pause and lift my face to it and take a deep breath of the moist air. It feels like a healing moment to me.

Thisishowifeel-yes, it has been just since I found MN in '07 that I have realized my childhood was not normal. I have realized and verbalized that I was abused through emotional neglect/degradation. A few years before, I had started to face my personal frustrations at being me and forgave myself for being me. That helped me to relax and stare down the inner critic.

Sorry, a bit off tangent here. I rarely post but I do need to vent something.
Can I just say I am sick (literally) of my mother researching obsessively her family tree and sending me the latest update. I am not interested one bit in learning about my relatives and where they came from. I know for her it is a contrilling thing, an identity thing but I don't want to know. Every conversation is about the latest find and she is such a snob.....she is very pleased to find that relatives have come from certain places...even if they were still house servantas etc. I can't bear her shallow petty mindedness. She cannot for one second see what is going on in front of her, in her immediately family and the damage she has caused. AAAARRRRRGGGH.
Sorry.

Thankyou for this thread.

I have never posted on this thread before, but do post on the NPD threads. I have really only just been able to read this thread recently actually.

The description of not knowing who the hell you are, and having to start all over again and actually discover who you really are is familiar to me. When I first made the discovery that all my experiences and relationships were not normal or even real relationships I had a total breakdown.

I realise now of course that I have had depression since I was about four years old. As an adult my favourite song was 'Comfortably Numb ' by Pink Floyd. I am no longer comfortably numb, but the transition from that state into actually being a person in my own right has been very difficult. Obviously I am not there yet!!

Reading that link is interesting. I know that I have been disassociating all my life, but had no name for it. I have difficulty with what I perceive as rejection. I know that if I don't pay attention and push myself I could end up as a hermit.

I am in group psychotherapy now, although had to wait nearly two years for that chance.

I knew from childhood that my situation was not normal, as I had friends who did not have a life like mine. But the shock of realising just how bad it was, and how damaged I am was huge. This only happened three years ago as the result of a terrible relationship I got myself into, and the lightbulb moment when I realised that the man I was involved with showed exactly the same behaviours as my father had.

I totally empathise with the chaos of not having a steady path through life, and blundering on in all sorts of random directions. Also the manic filling of time with overwork and trying to prove something...what?..with too many different projects, jobs, whatever. That combined with the disassociating and the depression...well there is no hope!!!

The miracle in all this is that I have two children who I hope have no mental health problems, and seem to me anyway to be nice people. This is a miracle as I had no idea whatsoever how to be a mother, as my own mother was (is) totally insane. and they have a father who himself is an antisocial narc, and pathological liar.

Please keep posting ladies as now I have been able to read this thread I find, of course, that I am here with you all, and that is a comfort.

I am a perfectionist fawn. It's all so familiar to me. I have oftern felt that god or whoever runs this life nonsense, forgot to allocate me a role, so I'm just floating around with no place to be, no relationship to have, no role in life, a nothing.

I read through this thread this morning and it made me cry, a lot. It's so, so sad that there are people like us, who would rather not bother, that are stuck here because of that strong instinct to survive....but for what, to be trampled on ignored, abused, to be the rubbish dump for others damage.

I used to hide under the sofa when I was little, for hours. And when I got older, I used to sneak out of the flat where I was staying, for fear that someone would see me and would think that I had no right to be there. I have felt like that everywhere that I have lived, that I have no right to be there, and must sneak about for fear that someone might see me, and know the truth that I have no life allocated....I'm just in the way, a nuisance, a pain in the arse, a burden.

And then I look in the mirror, and I hear the way people speak to me, and what people think of me and it is in TOTAL conflict with all that.

When I started school, people liked me! What to make of that?

When I started singing, people said that I was better than my sister and should go out without her and the guilt was overwhelming. I couldn't countenance such a dreadful thing. My dad hit me, and my mum threw me out of the house in my nighty in the middle of the night for even thinking such disloyal and disgusting thoughts. I spent most of the night in a boiler room (warm), at a friends house, until my friend took me in. They sent some bloke who volunteered for the samaritans to bring me home where I stood "trial" in one of her kangaroo courts, and was told that I was insane.

They will tell you that I am not remembering this right....but I am. It was SO traumatic, that I can be back there in an instant. I remember it minute by minute. I remember the freefall of abandonement and shame that I had dared to assert my own identity. That made me so eveil, I had to go. I remember with such clarity huddling up, hugging my knees in the warmth of that out building. I didn;t cry though.....funny that as I am now.

thisishowIfeel...I can empathise totally with the feeling that you have no right to be anywhere. I have to fight that in myself the whole time.

I was just thinking about this, and I have often thought that there is no name for what I was as a child...'nothing' does not even cover it,,,I was less than nothing..I didn't actually exist.

I know now of course that I didn't actually exist in either of my parents eyes as a separate person as they could not do this. Even now I know my mother does not see me as a separate person to her.

This is making me cry.

So do you feel conflicted when people outside your family treat you as though you DO exist? How do you cope with the conflict in that?

It's funny, because the business I am in, music and media, is FULL of us. Well it would be wouldn't it. And yet, as dysfunctional as I am, I am a failure in that too. Although my frinds see me as being successful, with is unfathomable to me. Success is far beyond me as I have a horrible feeling that I simply don't deserve it.

When I was still in therapy, I was told that because of the nature of what I do, coupled with my personality, that I could take off at any moment, but to be aware that if I flew too soon, I would crash and burn. I am so frustrated and contained, I feel I could explode with impatience for my life to begin.

Does that sound like a good thing do you think?? She said I should take time to develop and grow, from bluebell to me.

I'm very wobbly today, don't know why, think it might be some of the stuff on that Pete Walker site that has hit home....hard.

It has also made me aware of the total lack of progress h is making. Or maybe the sheer amount of progress I am making, and leaving him far behind.

Just rambling now. Sorry.

Well I think that the denial of my actual existance trumped everything else. I had a chaotic twenties, and it wasn't until my thirties and forties that I really managed to get myself some qualifications and do a responsible job, which I was good at. But the validation from others outside the home was always smashed down my the home...notably my exH in the latter years.

My exH took over where my parents had left off...although of course they have not left off! Well my father has as he died..but his legacy lingers on!

On some level I know that I am capable and knowledgable, and a decent person as my friends tell me so, and my children tell me so. But......

There is stil that thing that I am not as worthy or as entitled as everyone else to ...what?

That child who has not even a name to describe what she is is still there.

I regret that I did not stumble upon all this truth until I was nearly fifty. All those years of being a nobody ....

I also think that becoming like them is the easy way out....trying to escape is the hardest way...

I have read and researched a great deal about this, Ns specifically, and there are all sorts of theories that try to make sense of why one child ends up like them, and one child doesn't.

My take is that it's all down to the luck of the draw, genes-wise.

Sorry, rambling on for a moment there...I think the answer to your question is that I try to see the reality of the others' opinion of me...but fifty years is a long time. Those neurones are well established now!

Snap!!!!!!

h and all my family use that one....that "they don't know the real me"

How do you take on board that it is EVERYONE around you, and not you? It seems extra ordinary that I am the sane one, and they are all bonkers, and yet that is what all the professionals keep on telling me. How can it be true, but that's what all my friends say too.....how can it be?

It's because they don't live with me and don't know the "real me".

How do you get through that?????

A couple of years ago I spoke to someone at NACAC, who said, get on with it. Don't think about what anyone else may think. Do it your way before you run out of time.

It has stuck with me, and it's very hard to get to a light which IS the end of the tunnel.

For now at least, I am thrilled that people DO seem to like me, and that what they have been saying for years about my work is true. I need to hold that tiny bit of confidence for myself and go on into the world.

I have spent most of my life feeling utterly worthless, and probably better composted. I have thought now that unless I employ myself, nobody else will. So... onward.

It is difficult to go through life carrying the baggage of another, feeling damaged and broken and unworthy. It is so sad.

Hi, can I join this thread please? I am feeling really low, I have a non existent relationship with my parents and sister, she is the apple of their eye and I have always been the villain, they are controlling and bullying and I had a terrible time as an adolescent and young adult, depression, suicidal thoughts, really low self esteem, in and out of abusive relationships in some kind of weird search for love.

I have felt lonely and different from others most of my life, I cant make friends very easily as I am so crap at small talk, and I cant maintain friendships as I am so paranoid and untrusting. On the outside I seem together, confident and happy but inside I feel like the scared little girl I have always been.

The only good thing in my life is my absolutely wonderful, funny, kind and 100% supportive husband, himself a product of a hurtful childhood in some ways, and my two gorgeous and hapy girls. The one thing I seem to be able to do is be a good mother, I have made such massive efforts to break the cycle and love my children for who they are, not who I want them to be or what they can do for me. We are a really happy family unit, but we have no one else, and this makes me feel so sad, it is hard in practical terms of course with school holidays etc, but more so in that all my childrens friends have extended family and we dont.

My parents have never liked me but did at least make a token effort with my dds, but have now disowned me because I criticised them for making some crap excuse up to miss eldest dds birthday, and because I asked them to apologise to her I got an abusive letter and then silence, and my sister, who has never been a real auntie to my girls, (being too busy being her own no 1 fan), has also joined in and ostracised me.

The really stupid thing is that in some ways it is far better now, as even talking to my mother on the phone was a painful and stressful event, so we have a degree of peace at home now, but I feel so bad for my dds, and while the eldest is able to see them all for what they are as they have hurt her several times now, she still feels the lack of them keenly, and as for the little one I just feel so horribly guilty that her grandma and grandpa have just disappeared from her life. I feel really lonely, which is so stupid, I know.

Sorry this is so long, not sure what I am really posting for, but I just wonder if there is any advice anyone can give me?

The thing is though that I have rational, sensible, intelligent answers for all my questions.

Rationality in itself doesn't change feelings. I know precisely why. I know the real me...in fact I am the only one who truly does.

Strangely, it was that phrase..."the real me" that seemed to alert the therapists to the idea that it was definitely NOT me. What kind of person would use that language against a family member? Not an altogether healthy one...obviously.

The first assessment I got last September after being gaslighted to the point of seeking psychiatric help, said, "the facts" over and over....was I the one who kept a child out all night in dodgy parts of town?......NO Was I the one who gave a child whiskey at 4 in the morning?....NO Was I the one who left cocaine and it's associated paraphanalia lying around the house with children running around?....NO. Am I the kind of mother who disapears on drug and alcohol benders for days at a time leaving kids with whoever will have them, including paedophiles? NO.

Am I the person who got a sentence for threats to kill and intent to commit arson? NO.

Well, they are. It would NEVER even occur to me to do that to my precious babies, because I love them, and they exist as autonomous precious individuals.

Sorry, seem to be letting it out somewhat this morning.

Yes...I have been thinking about why I was never told that no-one would love me as they didn't know the real me....

I think because there actually has never been me... real or otherwise!

I have just been a part of the others...like another arm or leg or something. So they could never threaten me with the fact that no-one would love me, as I didn't exist!

I was very sporty as a child, but as my mother has no interests other than reading books, I was never allowed to do anything. She hated sports, so that was that.

When I think about all the help and encouragement (and money!!) I have given my own children who are both good at their chosen sports, and indeed choose their life's way to accommodate their competing, well.....at least I am a good mother.

Hello Kate. They are not good for your children though are they? Peace, tranquility and love are far better. Lots of people don't have grandparents around. Please don't feel guilty.

Kate..it's not you, it's them. Your children are far far better off without their influence than with it.

Make your own friends, who you can trust. (Says she who trusts no-one)!

It's hard I know. My kids see my mother, but she can restrain herself to an extent with them. She has tried to turn them against me in the past, and manipulate them, but I came donw on her like a ton of bricks and she knows not to do that again.

I think she sees now that I know what her game is, so she is quite careful. She is also very very elderly now, so I know that there is not long left. If she was younger I think I would probably cut her off. My children also see through her game.

I have done the cutting off before with all my family. It's very peaceful. Don't feel guilty. Feel proud that you are a good mother and you are stopping the shit right now, with you!!! No more passing down the generations and brushing under the carpet. That's a big thing to do.

Rationally I know that it is better without them, I just feel so down about it all. Its so hard to accept that they really dont give a shit, it hurts!!! Sorry if I have jumped in on an ongoing conversation, I didnt mean to!

Kate...you have as much right as anyone else to be here and posting! I have never posted on this particular thread before.

Reading others' experiences and trying to work out your own pain from reading others' thoughts is so helpful.

The conversation is the way you work out what the hell is going on. And usually you find that someone else has been there too, and found a way to cope.

You sound absolutely lovely. Have you had any therapy?

Hello, it's great that this thread has been 'revived'. I was on the old Stately Homes thread for quite a while. Have been wondering how you are all doing. (You might remember me as oneplusone).

I'm doing well. No contact with parents now for 4 years, although there has been a bit of contact recently by letter but purely about some money my dad wants to give me which I have finally decided to accept and use for the DC's education.

No contact with my sisters either, which may change in the future depending on how I feel.

But I am happy with things as they stand at the moment. Am making new friends all the time and am learning to spot the 'unhealthy' people early on and keeping my distance.

Overall, I seem to be on much more of an even keel as compared to the roller coaster of the past, and so far so good. One thing I have learnt throughout this whole process is that it never ends, the journey of insight and self awareness, but I do think and hope the hardest part is behind me now.

Everyone who posts on this thread is hugely welcome and helpful in ways that cannot be known when a post is made. Something said will trigger something, or validate something in someone else. It's all good.

I have had it confirmed by the gp, therapists, police and children's services that my children really should not have contact with my family. The children's worker we have said that it is very rare that that advice is given, but in my case there can be no choice. Kate, you are not alone, you are stunningly brave and clearly love your children.

Thank you so much for your kind messages of support, yes it does help to know you are not alone, and I am very grateful for all the good things I do have now in my life, my dh and dds and a nice home, good job etc. But deep inside I am full of insecurities, and so much anger.

I havent had any therapy as we couldnt afford it, but have read some helpful books. As for making friends, I think my ability to do that has been permanently damaged, I am fine with superficial stuff at work or the school gate, but the only person I truly trust is dh.

It just all makes me want to scream "why me, what is it about me that is so terrible?!" Sorry just feeling a bit self pitying today!