statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

Thanks both.
I sent him some lovely photos of dd a week ago as it was his birthday.

I actually rang his number last night but hung up before it connected.

He has made no attempt to see her.

thisis it is absolutely the absence of an intimate adult.And I was never intimate with anyone else,despite being married twice before.

I wish I'd never had it,now.I am so lonely.

I remember you once saying something about nasty emails at least being attention from your h. I am at a loss at getting no attention at all from xp.Am I really not even worthy of the abusive attentions of an abuser ? How crazy is that?

DD looks just like him.We had so many plans for this summer.He was with me when she was born.How can he be out there somewhere living his life?Why do I care?

Grace-
How awful for your nephews and nieces.
I don't have contact with parents (deceased) so I don't know if I can help you much.

I think it is a great level that you have attained to have such contact and be able to analyze the hidden agenda.

Neither of my sisters have children so we have not had the dynamic of the 'cousins must know each other'. Oldest sister regrets it but is happy for me, and Middle NPD sister (I think) regrets it and has jealousy/hate? for me.

Tangent, sorry.

It is hard facing the abuser. I get anxious just thinking about talking to Middle Sister on the phone-heart rate and breathing change.
Sorry I can't help/am not further along enough to be helpful.

Hi Pinemartin,
Is it some form of separation anxiety? With abandonment foundations?

Are you addicted to him?

Connections. I can count on one hand the people I have connected with my whole 48 years...dad, oldest sister, husband, (and 2 imaginary friends ). And the dh connection is probably a passive connection-not much conversation-but sincere feeling is there.

My childhood just didn't wire me for connections. I feel devastated at times. And try the rationalizations of how friends can be a pita sometimes, pathetic- I am the one who is a pita being socially inept and a numb zombie.

But I do think that being connected with yourself is important for your mental health. And I have rationalized solitude as something that can be desirable-for meditation and creative pursuits.

I have been pondering my lifelong invisibilty all night. Extra ordinary achievment to be a singer, broadcast all over the country, and be completely invisible...and yet that is what I have achieved...all from a tiny little sudio in my house, down the line, so no one ever meets me.

I have wondered also if it would be helpful on this thread for us to sya something that WE like....I am so used to stepping aside for others opinions, dreams ambitions etc. I remember when I got to university thinking...I can eat what I like, drink what I like, wear what I like etc...and then having no idea of what those things actually are, and I haven't made much progress on that in the decades since.

I like the colour purple, it's warm and comforting and is a little bit important.

It occured to me this morning that my purple curtains were soothing, and purple is nice and warm and rich.

The I got an email from h telling me that I "obviously want him to stay in his flat"

It is really is beginning to get on my tits....being told how I feel and what I want. Yes SAF how I feel, who I am, what I like and don't like, what time I should eat, who I should like or not like, what music I like and what I ought to be performing.

Well IIIIIIIII like purple, and boiled eggs, and fish, and ABBA...ME ME ME ME. Feels weird, very weird. I like to wear dresses, not endless jeans. And I can change my mind tomorrow about all of these things.

saf Did you ever get to know you? Do you know? Do you like purple? I know it sounds silly, but this detachment from myself is shit and I don't want to play anymore.

It's hard keeping up with this thread it moves so fast! Thisis, I recognise that profound invisibility. Time to emerge from under that rock before it is too late. Really. I tried very hard to disappear with eating disorders. I failed, and have had some success in keeping myself very much to myself. The other day, I realised it is a very child-like thing to do, and it would be nice to grow up and be part of the world.

A friend of mine has been diagnosed with stage iv breast cancer. That means it's terminal and all they can do is kill the pain and bash her with chemo hoping it will reduce the cancer. Yesterday I felt awful about it, and dreadfully sad and powerless to do anything. It was dd's 6th birthday, and I was miserable.

On the plus side, we have found out that my brother is married to a criminal and that her threats are empty. She is still a dangerous lunatic and about as close to a witch as they come, but at least we know that she really is deluded and ill. My brother says they love each other, but they seem to have a lot of police involvement to keep the peace. It takes work to break a vicious cycle. My brother has chosen not to work on his life at all.

Funny....I feel like a teenager liking purple.

SAF :) :) :)

SC I used to hide under the sofa as a child, probably 3 or so, for hours on end....hiding from her. I am going to draw a picture of it, and then ask bluebell to come out and play with us....then when she's ready, I will draw a picture of her coming out....I will colour it in. DD loves us doing colouring together....she loves playing with the cut out characters of our family members that I've made. H is not allowed in my garden at the moment.....he's sitting on a shelf in my studio on his own.

I wish I could post more on here-but I daren't for a number of reasons......thinking of you all.

My preferred colours are "sun, sea, sand & sky" so the same as yours, SAF! I'm with you on the weathered wood, too, though I also like smooth & shiny: I'm interested in texture. My feet are on a polyester carpet, which I HATE, but it's the landlord's.

When I started therapy it took me weeks to write my "15 things that are great about me" and "what I want". Weird, isn't it? As recently as last week, there was a thread here on "What do you do really well?" I couldn't think of anything until I'd read everyone else's posts and picked out the ones I'm also really good at

To help figure out what I really like - as differentiated from what I liked because an ex liked them, or I'd been told I like them - I explored bookshops, music shops and went to loads of galleries, museums, markets and so on. It was fun. And I kept surprising myself! I've never been to North Africa, but now I know I've an affinity with the designs, colours, smells & flavours of Morocco and Tunisia. (And there's a new addition to my "Places I want to go"!)

M44, I do hope you're okay.

smithfield - I was wondering whether you're being confronted by your self more, now you haven't got your job to worry about (and blame)? I'm so pleased for you, that you had the courage to decide on time for yourself. It can feel very weird, though, especially if you're still feeling 'driven'. I hope you are using some of this time to revel in yourself, as well as tackling stuff :)

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, silentcatastrophe, and sad for your brother & SIL too. Now you've had the confirmation you needed, do you feel able to step back and observe what he's doing with his life? Can be informative sometimes!

pm, I'm worried about you. Is there anything you can do to focus your attention on YOU? I feel you could simply do with loving yourself more, and respecting your own value/worth. Are you doing things purely because YOU enjoy them? (one of mine, when I still had a car, was going to a drive-through carwash!)
How long is it since you last worked through a co-dependency book?

Textures and faded colours.I have a real attraction to old threadbare fabric and wool.My house is full of stuff I have collected.Old stuff.It's become known as "retro" now.But I've always had that kind od thing everywhere.

Sometimes people see it as clutter and think I am hoarding.But I don't think so.It's not the individual pieces - I could chuck it all.But I would get more.
It is all carefully arranged and I enjoy just looking andfeeling it.

xp was the only other person I have met who saw it as I did.Or maybe he just reflected me back...

Lists,being defined..yes me too...never saw it as an identity thing before.But it fits.

saf yes,me too with the false identity as a child.And now ,as far as any family member goes.They make me feel I am made of clingfilm scrunched into a person shape of their choosing.

toomany I don't know if it's addiction to him.I am still hung up on the connection part of him and me.I do see him as toxic for me and don't think I could be with him again,even if he miraculously changed /cured himself - which he won't,and how to tell anyway.
But I have never been connected to anyone EVER .Except him.It would not be a healthy way to relate to my dc.Maybe not healthy way to relate to anyone once not a baby?

Grace x posts

There is not really any space for me ,now.It's all for the dc.24 hours.There is never a time when all are anywhere else at the same time. And baby only has me.

Any time when dc are asleep.I am asleep too.

I do meditate,last thing at night,but fall asleep in the middle.

I don't know anyone as a relationship separate from dc.

I have a homestart lady for 2 hours a week,but she is only allowed to look after baby OR dc,not all at once.

I have NEVER been alone since 8th April when Baby was born.
But I'm more lonely inside than I've ever been.
Don't worry.I am doing everything as well as I can for dc.I won't fail them.

If I was being paid to full time care for 4 dc ages14,12,9,8 and a 5mth baby,it would not be legal to do everything alone,all the time.

And I would have supervision/mentorship.
And appraisals.
And coffee breaks.
And privacy in the loo!

Pinemartina: "xp was the only other person I have met who saw it as I did. Or maybe he just reflected me back"

If you're betting against that 'maybe', I'll take your money!

All your life you've been used as a projection screen by people who purported to love you. They played their movies of their own worst qualities on you, then berated you for showing them. Nasty.

Someone comes along who is a mirror. This is fantastic for you; all of a sudden, you've got your own 'movie screen' - and it's showing you yourself! How wonderful! You like this mirror, because the real you has mostly been hidden beneath the nasty movies. This is like having your own screen to project on, isn't it? It's great, you never knew you had so many appealing qualities!

Then it switches. That person, who was showing you yourself, was only holding up a mirror to enchant you. He's another bloody projector. Here come the nasty movies ...

REMEMBER what he said about your holiday in Turkey? That you couldn't expect him to "keep that up" for more than a couple of weeks? Remember what it was he couldn't keep up? Yeah, being a nice person ... That was honest, PM. Possibly the most honest thing he ever told you.

Extensive experience as a movie screen an mirror leaves us with the impression that projections & reflections are necessary - that existence is a matter of movies & mirrors. That is not so. The way back to the real world, where people know who & what they are, begins with reflecting oneself as well as possible. After that, you move on to projecting parts of yourself to the world at large. And you check your reflection regularly, in the mirror of your own self. Not someone else's (though you can trust your DCs' mirrors, for the parts of you that are 'Mother').

Any sense coming out of this??

Crossposted again. You sound knackered beyond knackered, you poor thing! Is it still possible to get a home help allocated on health grounds? Sorry I'm out of date with such things.

I love the way this is intertwining and coming together. Abandonement overcome by finding one true identity....not just being someone elses construct.

PM You have a baby....that is enough for most people to deal with, all by itself. :) But you also have your other dc's, and your grief, and the work, and it is hard work, of going through all this discovery.

This thread is group therapy isn't it, and although supportive, it is also very, very hard work indeed.

Is it worth asking, hv, or homestart or gp if there is any way you could get some you time? Even just an hour?

When Brenda asked me to write a list of "words that belong to me because they are me" I physically froze. I couldn't do it. I shook and got sweaty and tearful and shuffled around in my chair.

Worse with being angry. I know I am really very angry with my family, but I can't access it. I think I may be afraid of not being able to stop the torrent. A bit like the incredible hulk, I may turn into something very frightening. It's frustrating because I know that RA is linked to suppressed anger, and I would love nothing more than to be able to run and get on the floor again. Not being able to bend the knees is atunningly limiting.

Very nice post, Grace.

PM- can you turn this around and try to get motivation, happiness, clarity and validation of who you are...through your role as a mom? I don't mean live through your kids vicariously (they are a bit young for that now anyway ),

why is being a mother not enough?

I struggle with this too as having "given up" a career as a licensed architect to be a stay at home mom. I was lucky the back way around because my crappy childhood/invisibility was going to make a career in male dominated or office politic environment impossible. There was no way I was going to succeed.

But being a mom is a fulfilling role. A tiring role that makes time skid past pretty quick from a wide perspective, while paradox-ily time also stops on a daily basis in the middle of a long afternoon with fussy youngsters and a mountain of laundry.

Sorry, that doesn't help with connections. You are the chief, leader, captain. It is lonely at the top. But please try not to discount your connections with your lovely children too much.

Damn, I'm like a fat lady at the circus giving diet advice!

I like trees.
I like green.
I like walking in the forest.
I like horses.
I like Christmas music.
I like pizza with "the works" on a thin crust.
I like the burnt crust of an angel food cake.

I am good at sewing quilts (won't win any prizes, but then I don't feel that I have to).

I am good at baking Christmas cookies, pizza bread, and bar-b-que.

I am good at making Gingerbread Houses. (what the hell are two degrees in architecture for?! )

I am good,nay-GREAT, at tolerating interruptions. I guess that works back to being invisible.

I'm having to hold onto the idea that there are people out there who actually LIKE me, and value me, and find me entertaining ha ha. It may be a bit of a long haul, but unless I can hold onto that idea, what's there for my children? I hope you remember somewhere to hang the coats in the gingerbread houses, Toomany

tmsb :):):)

Brilliant!

I love trees and green too. I love the connection with yoga and the chakras! Thank you for reminding me of yoga and chakras. Thank you!!!!

Swallowedafly, the permanent tags of identity are exactly right here too. I can see it as their dysfunction causing my dysfunction. Re-Validation to stay away from toxic middle sister no matter what her circumstances are. Thanks.