statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

Hi Peppermint.
I'm really struggling. I keep thinking about DH findinge dead. I've been asking for help but don't have an appointment for another 2 weeks. I feel that I'm at the end of the line and don't know how I'm going to cope with looking after my DD.

*me

Sorry to keep posting everyone. I just feel so scared for my future and this is really the only place I feel heard and understood.
I don't know how to get through this or if I am strong enough to face my past full on, even if I do get referred for more therapy.

bookcase You poor thing, please hang in there. I was wondering if you could afford any private therapy in the interim? Would you consider it if you could?
Can you get time just to come on here and offload?

peppermint Yes, I have a very toxic mother, and have no contact with her as a result. Better for my health, and my childrens. Much better on Dh's ears too.
This is a place you can come and say all those things form the most subtle to the galaringly obvious that the toxic one's do to boot you in the emotional gut.

A place to vent.

Not like RL where most will say 'but she is your mother, cant you move on/forgive her/give her a chance/take responsibility.
No-you will never hear anything of the sort

Bookcase, call 999. You are worth care & attention. You don't have to be strong on your own. How long until DH gets home?

Welcome, Peppermint :)
Lol, I spent 4 hours with mine yesterday and think I deserve a medal! Feel free to post in your own time.

bookcase x posted- baby steps, that is the key. You have already made the first step by gettint the appointment. We will hold your hand day by day while you wait. Try not to think too far ahead (easier said!).
And dont be sorry for posting. Its what the thread is for.

I would smithfield but it's finding the right person and the money. I could come on here but I'm so closed off from everything that even on here I wear a mask.
I don't know how to even start and I don't have a support network to back me up like I would in a therapeutic community.

DH has been home since Friday. He took some time off but has to go in to work tomorrow. I'm trying to get through to the crisis team but keep getting voicemail.

Sweetheart, I'd ask him to call an ambulance. Just having a stranger to talk to for a bit can help (that wouldn't make sense to most people; hope it does to you!) Even if you can't say what's wrong, don't minimise it. Sending you love.

It does make sense Grace, thank you. I spoke to the crisis team and they said they will call me back at 7.15, so am hanging on until then.

I think maybe I'm realising how my past has affected and how important it is to get help, for dd's sake aswell as mine. I do minimise my past because I'm so separate from it and keep looking for evidence to prove what I think I know.

I grew up believing that anger is fine, vulnerability isn't, at any cost, and that has stuck. I have never let myself be vulnerable to anyone.

bookcase I'm not around for the next hour or so but then I will be back- Just keep talking even if it seems like you are not revealing anything or achieving anything by posting, it doesnt matter.
I went through a similar thing after dd was born I will post a link if I can find it, when I get back. It might help to know you are not alone with these feelings. Being locked up inside oneself is a frightening place to be.
Could dh take one more day off?

sorry x-posted again- so glad that you got through to them and that you are reaching out. unmumsnetty hug x

Well done :) Glad they're calling you back! Just thought I'd post a little bit, in case you're staring at the screen in a funk. What matters is LESS what happened, and MORE how you feel about it. It's a bit like all the infidelity threads in here - you know, where the OP is desperate for proof of her partner's cheating? Where the real point is not "What's he up to" but "How unhappy is your relationship?" The proof helps to explain how things went wrong, but no amount of evidence will fix the resultant damage.

It sounds as if you've been so well-trained not to feel or show hurt, you feel like you're not allowed to be upset unless you have evidence of the hurtful things that were done to you. Like the betrayed partners on those other threads ... Where, if you think about it, your hurt is the evidence. I'll post this now, as it's only ten minutes till they ring you. Deep breaths. Have a hug.

:) How did you know?
I know you're right I just feel the not knowing is the awful part. It felt wrong somehow to look at the 'the courage to heal' book. I felt embarrassed.
Im looking for some validation from members of the family but I'm not getting any.

Just got off the phone from the crisis team. The lady was lovely but it doesn't seem to matter how often I say I can't cope and the only way to stop this is to die, they don't do anything. Maybe they can't or don't know what to do for the best. I feel so desperate.

Mmm, I had to be persuaded to do Homecoming. The amazing thing was that, once I'd started acknowledging what a pair of shits my parents were - to myself, my workbook and my therapist only - other family members started telling me about abuses of me that they remember from my childhood. It was completely spontaneous. The net result, for me anyway, is that I now have enough data to validate the theory that I'm suffering damage caused by my parents. I'm still stuck with fixing it, but now I'm confident it's not that there was inherentl wrong with me, iyswim.

Thinking about how SS interview a child whose parents are suspected of abusing her: they don't demand lists of documentary proof, or even verbal evidence. They talk to the child about her life, let her play with toys, and evaluate whether her emotional & psychological responses are healthy or damaged. That's what I meant when I said your feelings are the evidence ...

Did they ring you? How are you now?

Oh, DAMN, Bookcase, after all your effort! What a bloody let-down.

I used to be very promiscuous. I believed it was the only way to get anyone to like me. I'm still a bit like it with DH. I freeze sometimes when he touches me and remember doing the same and just letting people touch me, too scared and confused to do anything about it.

Sorry if that's too much for anyone, I'm going to press post now before I get the urge to delete all this.

I see how vulnerable and innocent my DD is and realise that I was like that once. Still am deep down under all the layers of the onion.

I just realised I appear to be having a breakdown on a public forum. Sorry :(

I agree with you, my love, you probably are having a breakdown. I had my first one when I was staying with a friend (thank goodness). She said "Go to bed, I'll bring you a cup of tea and phone your doctor." Bless her :)

It won't kill you. It's kind of a necessary process, when you've been running on stress for so long. Please tell DH to call an abulance if you get worse (or call one yourself if you're desperate for a hospital bed and a sedative.)

I know you & I aren't the only two on this thread, who screwed around a lot. My upbringing managed to persuade me I was both worthless and magnetically sexy. What a surprise that I then went on to let other people use me for sex

Have you got a cuppa? x

I've just finished a cup of tea.
They won't take me into hospital. I don't know why.
I feel really scared now I've said what I said earlier.

It's okay. You're getting a little bit braver, in terms of recognising what's going on. Back off again for a bit, if you like :) Cuppa tea's good!

Yep, Ive slept around taking drugs and would black out from alchohol. If I hadnt have left the country (physically escaping as far away from them possible) and then met Dh I would probably be dead in a ditch by now.
I couldnt feel anthing, not even the constant background hum of fear and terror that followed me everywhere I went.

How does this ever change if it's gone on for so long?

Aww Bookcase don't worry we are all 'the same' here.

I too did boatloads of drugs and let, yes, let, a rather orrible bloke rape me when I was 17. I was letting him do it and he knew it. Found out years later that he had raped someone else, so at least I didn't imagine the whole thing (my family think I imagined every experience I ever had )

I'm not sure if I have ever told dh that. In fact this week I think I have told him lots of things that I somehow thought he already knew.

Being able to tell someone, even on here, is a very important first step I think.