statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

YY, trs, I was happiest in France - where I worked as a live-in nanny, so had surrogate families - and, later, in Brazil where I was in a faraway place and had less trouble integrating my sexuality with my personality. My stupid mother wanted to "shove me back in" after I was born - as she saw me as a sexual rival! What you said about your DD's innocence & vulnerability is lovely, Bookcase. Ridiculously, my mother seems not to have seen me as a baby so much as a vagina, god help me (and her). Another SH member was labelled evil by her mum when she was born.

You're not the bad mother.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate you being there for me. I hope I can do the same for you.
I think I need to shut off again for a while and get some hugs from baby and DH.

nemo :) :)

Bookcase, you asked "how does this ever change"? It starts with noticing what needs changing. I'm not pretending it's an easy road. But it is, in fact, easier than fending it off all the time. I'm watching my sibs - very gradually - losing their defences. I hope their knowledge of my process helps them; but we each had a different childhood. I 'parented' them when young, but I can't do this for them. I keep a distance, and gentle them. Which is pretty much what I did with myself

yes bookcase it is the first step toward healing by admitting to others (even before we can admit to our own selves) that things growing up were really fucked up.
You can move through it and it will get better. Although I dont want that to sound dismissive in any way of what you are going through because I've been there and it is hellish.
Can I ask if you still see your parents? Was there contact just prior to these feelings surfacing? Dont answer if you dont want to.

Just got your post about stepping away for a bit -good idea. TLC from dh and hugs from bub . Will pop back later.

NEW THREAD HERE www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1074302-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-Dysfunctional-parents

Just checking in before I go to bed. My real father and stepfather are dead now but I still see my mum. I spent alot of time being angry with her for being such an ineffectual mother and staying with a man who hurt her children (well, just me really).

She always gave me what I wanted, materially, in order to make up for her shortcomings and I used to parent her and set my own boundaries.

I see her for her sake, not mine. I get nothing from the relationship except I don't feel any guilt for pushing her away anymore. I pity her because I see the life she came from and want to help her to enjoy the rest of it.
I don't recoil when she hugs me now but it doesn'tean anything to me.

I've confronted her about the violence and emotional abuse and she seems to be sorry for the choices she made but when I try to approach the other stuff, she
becomes defensive.

Sorry, I didn't intend to write an essay but I guess when it comes out, I need to run with it.

A big thank you to you all.
I posted on MN many months ago, initially because I was unable to express anger when my parents criticised me or the way I bring up my children.
You showed me that it was in fact abuse.
I was unable to face it and stopped going on MN. But I have been thinking about your advice ever since, and so many things came flooding back during so many sleepless nights... It's been a tough time because I haven't said or done anything about it, apart from comfort eating and putting on another 25lbs.
But I think identifying the abuse is a first step, and I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.
Thank you.

Hello, can I join you all? A poster on the Mental Health board pointed me in this direction :)

I am in my mid thirties and all of my adult life have felt varying degrees of anxiety, and I decided very recently to see a private counsellor/CBT therapist. She is great and I'm improving a lot, but it's upsetting having to talk about my childhood. I really laughed when I saw the first of these threads about "But we took you to stately homes" as that is exactly the sort of thing my mum has said to me.

I was always brought up to believe that I was over-sensitive and awkward, but please can you all tell me what you think about these things from my childhood:

Parents constantly telling me I was useless, evil and had to change.

Parents moods swinging up and down all the time

Told by my mum that if she could get away with killing me, she would kill me.

Not being spoken to for days on end if I went to a friend's house to visit or if I had a friend round.

Being made to feel on edge in my own home and never knowing whether I was going to be told off or cuddled.

My mum telling me that if my older brother hadn't died (he died before I was born) they would never have had me.

My sister being treated noticeably different to me.

My mum and dad constantly saying I was weird and listing my character flaws, which I believed. Until now.

It's only in the past 12 years since I became a mum myself that I've realised how wrong their behaviour was. I parent in a totally different way and would hate my children to feel on edge constantly like I did. I had everything I needed and more materially, I just feel emotionally neglected. Is that the right phrase?

The counselling has made me realise that I am always tense when my parents, especially my mum, are around. I was discussing it all with one of my best friends the other day and she said that she had noticed that I seem tense and not myself when my mum is around. I always feel suppressed in my mum's company.

Anyway, thank you for listening to me offloading, I look forward to reading back through all these threads. xx

Just wanted to add too that my mum frequently said to me that one day she would die of a heart attack and it would all be my fault. Vile thing to say to anyone let alone a child.

Reading through this thread has truly opened my eyes to exactly how subtle and complicated this issue is...

Just recently i have been obsessed with this idea of normality, since having my DD i guess, I think back to my childhood and the feeling of misplacement and insecurity and I think it has, like most people, raised a lot of thoughts and unanswered questions from my childhood.

I was raised by my grandmother, (who is the most bitter, closed and spiteful person I have ever known) and my mother (manipulative, mean spirited, charming, selfish and cold). Both very 'strong' women in mind and action, my grandmother was a very physical woman, always spoke with her fists, whereas my mother is what she would class as a lover rather than a fighter, without the real level of love.

I don't know whether it is just me, having what people describe as two strong female role models in my life, but i don't think i even understand what it is (at 34) to be female, to have a relationship with other women, to have relationships with men, to be sociable, i don't feel as if I have an identity, I feel like I am rattling around in a shell, but with no real purpose or point.

Part of this I think is because of the insecurity of my childhood, my mother had a streak of failed relationships with the most unsuitable men, we moved up and down the country, from refuge to bed and breakfast, I went from school to school, it got to the point where i would register and deregister myself from school from the age of seven.

I look back and I see this twisted game my mother and grandmother played, my mother being weak and unmanageable would shack up with some crazy and then wait for my grandmother to rescue her, despite that rescue coming with being berated and disappointment.

Living with this drama and shrill neurotic instability has really affected the way that I deal with life, and I am not sure if it is something that can be changed or whether I am strong enough... I know that I want to break this sick little circle and move away, however, I am not sure I have the inner strength enough to get past the guilt of abandoning them when it has been drilled into me about the importance of family. My siblings are completely loyal to my mother, I feel like perhaps I am mad and this is normality and I just don't get it.

This is why I am so appreciative of this thread, I am reading through it and feel as though some things are connecting in my brain.

My parents were very conscientious as well - worked very hard to bring up and educate 5 children. But my father was a rigid, selfish disciplinarian, (who I suspect under it all was simply frightened a lot of the time) and my mum was very passive.

The result was that not a week went by without me and my siblines being beaten or sworn at. (The younger siblings had it a bit easier.) It was absolutely routine for him to call me the vilest swear words, and hit really hard, for the smallest, most innocent mistakes. Of my siblings, only one is married, and two (in their 30s and 40s) have never had relationships. One has a serious alcohol problem.

It's difficult to absorb how much our personalities must have been affected by growing up in this environment. None of us is particularly confident or trusting. While I still see my parents frequently I only talk to my mother. With my father, we've fallen into a pattern of not talking to one another. I think it probably started when I was quite young, and the only weapon I had was not to talk to him. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I think it would be good to have a better relationship with him, other times I think it's really not surprising given the past. And he doesn't make any efforts to reach out to me - he's still quote prone to biting my head off if I get him at a bad time. And other times I just want to tell him what a selfish wanker he's been all these years.

I've discussed the past with my mother. She says she tried to do all she could, but I didn't see much evidence of it. She was quite badly treated by my father herself - not beaten, but treated like a domestic slave, and constantly belittled.

My siblings aren't really interested in talking about this - it was all a long time ago, why rake things up, upset people blah blah

Anyone's thoughts or comments greatly appreciated.

Hi, hope it's ok for me to jump in here and ask for some opinions/advice. Will try and keep it short. Basically I think my mother and father are both very 'toxic', my mother in particular. I had a very unloving childhood and my parents have always been very controlling (still are)...there's obviously a huge history but won't detail that all now. I've mostly always done/behaved as they want, when I haven't (teenage years) I've been out cast from the family totally no contact etc. Until I've realised my wicked ways and apologised etc.

I had many issues earlier this year with a previous traumatic event rearing it's ugly head and ended up seeing a psychologist. She said my parents have such a HUGE control over me and I needed to slowly start trying to take that back...start standing up for myself etc. I've done little bits, none of which has gone down very well.

Over the last 2 years I've been dealing with a lot of stress with my 3yo ds, he has various issues, severe eczema, allergies, intolerances, colitis, liver disease and a rare genetic disease...so he's under various specialists etc. needless to say I've been stressed. We (dh and I) also have a 4yo and 1yo so busy anyway! I have done absolutely everything/anything i can to help to relieve his symptoms, reduce steroids etc. From re-homing dog, getting rid of carpets, giving up work so he wasn't at nursery so I could 'control' his environment, removing certain foods, all of the basics and more for allergy control etc....it does rule our lives and I keep going always trying to find the next thing I could try that may help etc.

My parents live a 7/8 hr flight away, yet still have a lot of control over my/my families life. I'd messaged my mum asking her opinion (medical experience) on autoimmune drugs as that's a next step possibilty for ds, not a route i want to go down, but wanted her knowledge too so I can inform myself asap before seeing the dr next.

The nest thing she's phoning me speaking very very loudly in a very authorative voice telling me that she's hugely concerned about ds's health and she thinks that in her opinion there are some very basic things I'm missing doing that must be causing ds's eczema I asked very nicely what those things are and I appreciate any ideas as have tried everything i can think of/suggestions etc. She was very aggressive telling me my car has been dusty before and i should be cleaning it every night the kids are in bed, my pil souldn't be coming to the house unless they've showered and wearing clean clothes as they have a dog(they only come for 2hrs a wk), my dh should be showering and wearing clean clothes before he comes home, we should move house as our house isn't good enough for him. It was all very aggressively done and in a tone/way that she's blaming me for not being good enough (I don't stop in regards to doing everything 'right'). IMO everything she was saying is unrealistic and almost ridiculous...I was crying, very upset and she still kept going on (with my dad coming on to add to it).

They've paid for us to visit them next week (for flights) and I ended up shouting saying we're not bloody coming then as how could they put ds at risk taking an 8 hr flight with the dust mite on chairs, the allergies, the peanuts on the flight etc etc...the beach we'll be staying near to, the hot climate, the pool he can't go in (all make his skin flare). They didn't get any of that at all. I'm so angry with tem and I really don't want to go and stay in their house for 10 days with them the way they will be with me (angry/judemental etc etc) They will expect me to apologise now and for us to go and be wonderful towards them etc.

I don't want to, I want to e-mail saying this isn't acceptable and I won't put up with their crap treatment of me again. They won't apologise, they won't think they have done anything wrong. If they did I would go, but I know that won't happen.

Am I being really awful to not go and stay with them and start to put myself first? Or am I completly in the wrong here?

Sorry I think that's pretty long