statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

i got an answerphone call today, telling me father rang mother to tell her his cousin died of heart related problems. I wonder if that was to make me want to feel for father as he had tripple heart by pass. I remember reading someone was discussing a fan club of a person, who wants to have people in their life as long as they do all the running, and uses the estrangement to feel sorry for themselves and to make themselves out to be the victim, whilst trying nothing themselves, that was so similar to my ex and my father!

I had made a fool out of myself about a month ago, mother persuaded me that he loved me and wanted things to be sorted out, it was a game from her or him, as guess what when I rang him he was nasty and put the phone down on me, games games games by one of them, the triangulator mother or him I really don't know anymore, instincts tell me it was him this time! There is no way they are going to make a fool of me again, running after him again to hurt me and be rejected again, how many times can excuses for his style of love be made, it is not love love is not what it is for him, he has never loved me and never will,I had hoped for some sort of civility and some lessons for the children, to see dysfunction in action when he does it to discuss afterwards to teach them what is unhealthy to keep them safe, when knowing him and not feeling rejected by all their family if that makes any sense, as my father is like theirs and I want them to know how to handle him, I got into this mess!

mh, I think a new bed is symbolically important as well as practically. Buy a huge, comfy one :)

Is the IKEA sale still on?

wow deep

Well done for seeing through the heart-attack game!

tinkerbell for youngest, sleeping beauty and snow white from oldest! and for me there was no favorite I remember, what i did used to fantisise was that I had been adopted and that my real parents would come and find me one day, I had a thing one time that I was adopted, mother had a photo of a child before me she adopted and had to give back as mother changed her mind, I went on forever than I thought I was adopted, she was showing me pictures of her pregnant with me etc, I was obsessed with it for quite some time, then gave up talking about it! going to give my girls fairy stories a thought, actually when typing i remember being interested in little red riding hood!

I found two in dreams, am scared to buy it so expensive don't want to make a mistake, am like this with expensive things, how I ever book a holiday is beyond me, i am so scared and have changed two of them so far for making mistakes, to be fair i booked them a day before going to court last year and did not give it enough thought!

That 911 koran man was projecting an rescuing, showing fundamentalism in christianity as much as islam, i think it went too far for him at least he had the grace to stop it, i am very relieved!

As the assement showed I am now good at recognising these things, and that now i need to work on how to manage these games, as that gap of cutting them out which i knew myself is not the way to go for me and the children!

If you think about, Riding Hood's mother SENT her into the woods by herself, even though she knew it was full of murderous wolves.

The fact that she sent her to visit her own mother is significant. We can assume that, in exposing her own daughter to the dangers of the forest, she was replaying what her own mother did to her. Berne has some interesting things to say about the granparents and sexual abuse, but you'd probably need to do that part by yourself.

So, did your mother get you to run errands for her mother at all?

Buy a nice bed

Tinkerbell looks like a healthy choice - as long as she doesn't go on to choose men who won't grow up!

... Which, funnily enough, my friend named Wendy DID

Grandmothers, here goes,one died when I was two, the other mothers mother died before i was born, at her funeral, my father and her brothers had a prior disagreement, he took a knife with him, I don't properly know the story, she stayed with him, we were all rejects from her family after than! so never had a grandmother!

What is the overall stuff Berne says then?

was his name peter? oldest had a thing for peter pan also at one point, so sleeping beauty sent away by parents.... maybe she feels that emotionally and snow white definatly fits that is what her father did to her, and stepmother had the kids hearts torn out!

sleeping beauty was sent away to be protected and was sent to nice people...

The grandfather sexually abused the mother. The mother then sent her daughter to visit the grandmother, knowing she would be sexually abused (though maybe not admitting it to herself). The wolf is the grandfather. The woodcutter is either RH's father or her own future partner. He's not that great, either, as he gives RH directions to Grandma's house then breaks in after RH has got in bed with Grandpa - he basically set her up to be abused, then rescued her. How did he know what was going to happen? Was he in it, too? It's interesting that they kill the wolf/old man together: the woodcutter has made RH a partner in crime.

Berne says that every Riding Hood he treated owned and wore a red coat. Not that every woman with a red coat has a Riding Hood story!

Who was the knife for?

had little to do with grandfathers a few short visits a year to one for a bit, another hardly saw and if i did for a few hours that was mothers father, she said he was a gentle man and she hated her mother who hated her, battered her etc.... woodcutter definatly my ex in my story! I had a burgundy coat on when i first met my ex!

knife no idea, grandfather or uncles, apparently grandfather and uncles kicked father after knife thing and mother threw herself on him to stop them, serious kick me game! it was mothers middle brother who got the knife, her mother hated him and her the most of the five!

Also as I brought this up to discuss mother was angry at sil who cared for grandmother when she was dying, mother would go on about how she had to work, mother did not look after her mother and it was my mothers name she kept calling for as she died, mother was at work that day, mother always hides behind work to get out of stuff! she is a nurse!

thinking about this more, she says I have to work, not like this one that one another etc... also last night she insisted in bringing us apple sponge after she finished work, she has house paid off and good savings, ok pension!!! yet HAS to work, never thought of this before! she used to blame it on needing money before, work always came first, brother near death with asthma where dr has to be called out in night with nebuliser, she has to go to work, and I have to stay off school to care for him!!!

I asked her to look after my children once when ex left so I could go to a night course she could not do as she had to work, it is shift work part time, I could not understand why she could not ask her boss to not scheddule her to work a late that day each week, whatever it is her excuse!

doh grace knife for father being woodcutter get it!!! yes he blamed grandfather!

knife for mothers father by my father, my father thought grandfather was wolf, he used to say he was behind it all...

blimey grandmother did the battering, she was bad person, in my situation my father did the battering and he was the bad person, so mother and grandfather were the one's behind it and father was woodcutter and ex was woodcutter, so am i like my mother?

i was rereading what you said about your script how you pulled it apart, did you work this out youself grace?

i made a point of being anti hitting and my ex hit dd2 before he left, i thought it was to do with his breakdown he did it

It's curious, isn't it.

I'd thought about the Little Mermaid thing before, but not much as I felt I needed more information. I've nearly finished the Berne book now: was reading it in bed last night, and woke up thinking I had to find the full-text H.C. Andersen version of the story, which is the one I had as a child. Read it this morning and it all came together in one go (or one blow, it felt like!)

I'm going to ask my mother to retell it to me, and see what she says.

Grace I had a read about the fair tales for eric and redriding hood, sleeping beauty and snow white, it can be hard to plough through some of the stuff on the net, what was interesting for dd1's stuff was of a waiting for rigamortis, I only read the games people play and a bit of i am ok you are ok, knew of other books and plan to read, don't want my whole life to be about therapy, need to live as well!

My children's book is "Pookie". I bought a new hardback copy for myself, and read it to dd sometimes.

A little white rabbit who has wings.His mother hates him for having wings and tries to hide them by tying them in knots, which are incomfy to sleep on.

So Pookie goes to seek his fortune. After many trials and tribulations he eventually meets Belinda. At Belindas door, outside in the snow, his heart breaks into two pieces. Belinda hears something at the door and Pookie is blown in with a drift of snow.

Belinda loves Pookie, and mends his heart and puts it back, whereupon Pookie's wings sprout into the most beautiful pair of wings of all colours, and best of all, Pookie realises that he can fly! All he needed was love.

I am Pookie. I took my book to show Brenda.

I have just read all these new messages. This thread is amazing isn't it?

quiddity I too am finding the Pete Walker flashback stuff incredibly useful.

I recognise them for what they are, and tell myself nice things...I get my princess bluebell doll that I made and see how beautiful she is. Daft, but it works. The intensity and duration are shorter and shorter.

The lady who did ed psy using ta with the kids, advised me to read grimm brother fairy tales to the kids at one point, wish I had taken the time to do it when she was there.. now I understand why she suggested it, she also suggested stig of the dump!