statley homes thread - dysfunctional families

[Mummiehunnie]

I had a look back and could not find the old thread, for adult children who grew up in unhealthy dysfunctional families, and were abused as a result!

This is now you have worked out pookie how do you feel about it, I am in a bit of shock about it all, I want to find out about rigamortis to set in script can't find it on net, need to get the book me thinks!

I have this dreadfull cold dd1 had during the week, she was off school, legs hurt etc, bad throat, head etc... so not going to go out today!

Thisis, I didn't know that was Pookie's story! Did you cast Brenda as Belinda? Conveniently similar names :) And now you have Bluebell taking care of your wings ... aww, I've gone all soppy!

Mummiehunnie, it's spelt Rigor Mortis. Yes, Sleeping Beauty is about that - waiting for something, which has been pre-determined, to happen before you can live your life. I won't say more as it very much depends on the version you had as a child.

This story business isn't that strange, as the stories have been around for over 1,000 years: they live on because they do describe the way certain types of people behave in certain situations - so everybody recognises them. The part that looks oddest, to me, is the way the props crop up in real life. But that's probably not so odd, either. Everybody knows these stories; even when people aren't aware of 'acting out', they sort of do know their story. How often do we hear a woman describe herself as Cinderella, for instance?

Bloody hell, that reminds me - as a teenager, my paternal GM really did have to sleep in the fireplace! She was an under-kitchen-maid.
Blimey. [Goes off to re-read Cinderella]

wow grace, that is interesting about your gm and cinderella!

Thanks for the correct spelling, have had a dyslexic issue with spelling whole life, am working on such things as I wonder if it is brain function or kick me!

Her sleeping beauty thing was disney, had a chat with her, she said it was the fairies changing the dress colour and she wanted it to be pink that she liked about it.. I remember when she was little we would dance to one day my prince will come... oh dear!!!!

Just marking place. Will do some reading of thread and see if it's relevant.

I don't have a toxic mother, she just chose to marry a bastard for several years, but he went when I was 16. Have never blamed my mother. Father don't hate him, but do think he's pathetic. Made a few attempt at getting to know that side of the family (they were toxic), he just never did the leg work and made me feel like the parent.

Not even if it's support I want. Do know that there are personality issues as a result, which I want to try and understand, recognise and try to change my behaviour. Especially now I have DD. Don't want to turn into a toxic parent by struggling to emotionally connect to her.

Yes grace, it struck me too, the Brenda/ Belinda thing!

I have to be Belinda now, but Brenda showed me how. And it's easier to do it with my created child Bluebell. I woke this morning, thinking I would make some wings for my bluebell doll. :)

I went to a friends 40th party last night, h came too. This is a very big step. We had a good time, I danced and sang so much I've lost my voice this morning! It feels amazing to be so carefree and happy. FREE! I feel free.

I look back over the last twelve months and simply cannot believe the damage that can be done by those with PD's, and can't believe that not only did I survive, I am amazed by my own strength of character. I am bloody She Ra!!!

mh, I really respect your approach to looking at your dyslexia to see if it's physical in origin or psychological :) I'm taking courage from you! There are several abilities I seem to have lost along the way, and some other things I've "never been able" to do. My feeling is that this is all to do with having squeezed myself into other people's definitions of me, to the extent where I actually forgot how to do things they preferred me to be incompetent for. Horrid! I'm gradually identifying them, and seeing what I can do to fix them. Here's a hi-five to both of us

Your last post made me feel jealous, thisis! It's startlingly relevant to my latest self-discovery, which that I've never felt I had free will, or choices. To large extent I'm in a prison of my own making, though it was really made for me by my parents.

I've always had this idea that if I were rich, I could have free choice. Well, it's true in that money brings more choice but I have a thousand small choices every day, and I'm not in a real prison so I have free will. What I haven't got is any knowledge of it, or how to use it. This is so weird. I'm a grown-up, with a successful career behind me and the capabilities to create a new one, but I still feel a terrible lack of 'direction'. It's another aspect of finding out who I am, I guess. And I don't think I can rush it :( Wish I could!!

CC, do keep reading. Post if there's something you need to work through; often just typing a post helps you figure stuff out :)

It's strange, it was the dancing last night that did it. I never used to dance because I was so self conscious. Felt that "I couldn't dance". That's nonsense...everyone can "dance" can't they? I started dancing before I'd downed much wine too :)

I truly didn't care what anyone thought, and of course they didn't think anything, they were just doing their own thing too.

It IS shaking off the shackles of others definitions. I was so used to being laughed at and ridiculed, but they aren't in my life to laugh at me anymore. I am no longer in the jail of their weird shit. I don't have to hide under the sofa from them, I don't have to be invisible.

Others definitions are stunningly powerful aren't they? I wonder if there could be a deep psychological root for things like dyslexia?

I am trying to get some photo's done for my new website, and that is still defeating me somewhat. I feel so exposed and uncomfortable. All of them have a scared girl peering out of them, not a confident grown up cabable woman. But hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

With dyslexia in my case, my mind does work differently, like it is wired up and the links that were made go the long way around so to speak, and I notice there is great brightnes in some ways and great inability in other ways! I notice this in many in my family with dyslexia, words even jump around on the page when I read, and I find it difficult to take in information that I read out loud, yet comprehension 100% if I read it carefully alone! spelling is bottom 25 cenine for me, thankfully dyslexia is mild for me, as for things like grammar i have no idea!

welcome chic!

This is well done re the dancing and letting go!

I hope you can get the website done!

Grace the self imprisonment, I think about that from time to time too, I think to the huge social circle I have had in the past, and of the people I invested my time with, part of me misses some of them, and part of me says no don't go there they are not right, I had a look at one old friends hubbies website as he did not have it on private and read her comments, she has not chnaged and she is not someone I may want around me, what interested me on her facebook the one thing you can see is her like, the thing is I can see the nice side to her and the not so nice side to her too!

Help! I have heard from my brother that my mother is planning to come and visit for Christmas (she lives in UK, he and I do not). They have had a couple of conversations about it, apparently.
She is planning to stay in a hotel but in the past when there have been arrangements like this she has called every morning to say she is bored and demand that someone come to pick her up. Then she spends the entire day at my place waiting to be entertained/taken out.
I really really don't want her to come. My brother usually goes away for Christmas so it makes very little difference to him whether she comes or not. So I get stuck with her.
Have managed to avoid her since last year but she has ben moaning about being deprived of her dgcs. Over Christmas however they spend some of the time with their dads and I am dreading being stuck alone with her.
I suspect she knows I won't want her here and this is why she hasn't said anything to me. Of course if I object she will bring up the grandchildren issue and make out that I am mean, heartless, unnatural, etc.
Last time she came I had stress headaches every day for a month beforehand.

Huh? she's arranged this trip with your brother but he won't be there? Is that right?
Do you live near your bro?

cleaver brother, off for a fun holiday, what fun plans that can't be changed have you made, I wonder how your lo's plans and yours over the holidays will give you time to have unexpected visitors who did not oranise it with you any of your spare time in your schedule? !

Just want to log a new thing.A different response to my m on the phone tonight.

Love to everyone,sorry for jumping in without joining the continuity...
She Rah!!!!((([smile))))!!!

I avoid speaking to m but she phones lots,sometimes catches dc's who fob her off.
Eventually,I do a quick "jolly chat" - give nothing away,ask all about them,switch off while she witters on.She never asks anything about me,but will tell me about our life as per whatever dc's have said most recently - ie " So,you went to morrisons today and I hear dd3 has a new reading book...on and on .She appears not to notice the formula.If I cave in (rarely) and offer a feeling related contribution ,such as how tired I am,she will not respond - as if I didn't say anything ; move onto the weather- her favourite subject.

She always says "we'll" - speaks of her and dad as Royal we - both do that - be over to visit on monday (or whenever) to which I will say it's not convenient and offer some child related reason.Eventually,I agree to a small window of time,when dc will be there.They will spend the entire short visit talking to and about dc - running observational narrative is a speciality...as in - oh she's making the tea and now he's run down the garden etc,endlessly.Easier with tiny dc's and mine now wind her up and laugh,but she doesn't notice..

This is all new.Since the episode with xp.That has never been mentioned by them.They will ask have I heard from him as if he's away on business.If I say no,he has never attempted to see his dd and if he contacts me I have to press that red button by the phone for the police to come,,they ignore and it's the weather again....

Well,tonight she caught me.It's been two weeks since a visit - they think it should be weekly since I'm on maternity leave,but haven't stated this until now.She asked why I seemed reluctant to see them.I said it had only been 2 weeks and Im very busy with 5 dc and baby so tiny.Oh we are missing out on baby,but of course we'd like to see you too.Well,I say, dc are at school all week and busy at weekends.But why dont we come and see you and baby?

I said I dont want to spend time alone with them,baby so small she sleeps lots.
Why says m

Well I don't think we need to have a discussion about all the things which make us both upset,m. I say

What things she says
No,m,I am busy with dc and not wanting a talk.
Well we're very upset you cant even let us know what we have ever done to upset you so much (in gruff,threatening voice)
Then pushes again and again - what is all this about,as I stick to I dont want to start this,m, and will soon hang up - in my bright cheery voice.

We miss the gc,she says,what about if we call in for half an hour after school.
OK m,you call in this Wed for half an hour and have a cup of tea with dc,and enjoy that

Well,you want to dictate how we see our family all down to some big secret you wont tell us what we've done..she says

No m. We have had scenes and rows forever about many many things which we dont ever speak of afterwards.I could list them but I dont want to bother.I wrote it all down for you in a letter and after that,you blanked me for 2 years.It was xp who reunited us,remember.My b's and sil have said they never want to see me again.I will stop here.It is upsetting for me.My babys' father abused me in front of you and my dc.You have said that I deserved it in your view.

That is a tiny bit.That is why I dont want to talk about the weather,
I will be at home when you visit my dc,so that they get to see their gp's,and you them.I will e cheerful and jolly,as always.I will not refer to any of this,as there is no point.So,see you Wed,then,m?

Oh,so we've got to come and pretend everything is lovely have we,because you say?

No,not at all.You don't have to come.

Well we could sit and talk about all this.

No,we couldnt,m.I don't want to talk about it any more.I'm sure you'll agree,it would be more enjoyable to have a jolly time than to row and get upset and disagree.

OH,so we're meant to come and pretend to be jolly now ,while you have nasty thoughts about us in your head...(!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I think a pleasant cup of tea with the dc is a good idea and I will see you Wed.Goodbye,m.

That is the biggest change I have ever made in my life.Just wanted to get it down quick.

They should have a star emoticon
Glad you had a good weekend! You deserved it.

pm that is amazing!

Well done, pm/She-Ra! I wish I could deal with mine like that.
With us my hideous upbringing is the elephant in the room, except for occasional snide remarks about how "difficult" I was.
Yes, Grace, my brother lives near me (both got away from toxic mother asap) but he has a way of dumping her on me so that I am mainly responsible for entertaining her and he drops in very occasionally for an hour or so. It also doesn't help me that my equally toxic SIL doesn't speak to my mother.
My relationship with brother was also messed up by toxic parents so he and I basically don't talk except to discuss what's to be done about mother (she has health issues which mean she shouldn't be flying at all, but is in denial).

Sorry for not replying to others' posts just now - I'm still finishng some work that would have been done hours ago if not for Mumsnet and Mad Men! (The TV series, not our XPs ...)

I just mentioned fear of abandonment in another post, and it reminded me of something. I really thought I had no such fear; this belief was one of the reasons I failed to realise I was clinging on to bad relationships. After I'd started therapy, more information came to the surface about parental abandonment - mine left me alone at home while they went away for a weekend before I was 1yo; they left me in charge of all the younger kids for a week when I was 8; Dad's overseas postings were far more frequent than I remember, so Mum was on her own for about half of my early years.

I didn't have to dig for this information. I'm not sure how this happens, but doing therapy seems to open up other people to you in helpful ways. It must be something to do with changes in the way we talk about, or react to, family matters - though counsellors seem happy enough when I call it "therapy magic"!

I thought I should mention this as an encouragement to anyone reading this thread, who is unsure about whether to seek counselling. I don't know if I still have an attachment disorder - probably not, as it happens, since this sort of thing tends to fix itself once you've "outed" it in counselling :)

Well done PM

I couldn't keep doing that, it would be too much, too draining. The thought of having to deal with all that shit endlessly going in it's chaotic vortex of sinking horror, makes me feel sick. You are She Ra.....that takes formidable courage and strength.

Yes grace just saying something out loud has a magical way of taking the problem away, if not completely, then at least to a huge proportion. It is magic.

I have changed my facebook profile pic to one of She Ra!!!!! Now I have my long golden curls, I like to think that there is a likeness! :)

great idea shera x

Grace, i am shocked people said nothing about an 8 year old left alone for a week to look after how many younger and what ages? How did you all not come to major harm is beyond me, i would not even leave an 8 year old for any reason never mind to look after younger ones!

Then again my two were relatively old when I started leaving them for short periods alone or to play outside without me, the oldest was in secondary school!

The nearest I can get to that is that I was told by mother who did night shifts as a nurse that she would come in from work and father would go out to work, she would give me a bag of sweeets and leave db in the cot and I would be left to play alone when she slept for a few hours, this went on from 2 till I went to school, I imagine when bro was older I had to care for him too... I don't remember this one incident however bro would go on about how he had the fire on in the living rooom and some clothes caught fire that were draped on the ironging board and how he woke mother up!

From the age of six I brought myself to and from school, let myself in and waited for mother, brother had a childminder until he was 8, then I had to take responsibility for him too!

Maybe there are some abandonment issues there also for me i definatly did not feel parented as a child, mother was not there when she was she was shouting and me that I should do all the housework as she was at work, and bro and father were asked to do nothing, father was emotionally not there at all, it was all about him, making him tea etc....

I also wanted to discuss why I won't hug mother, when ex was badly abusing me mentally after leaving, I was so despirate for love i chased her around the room for a hug I was in a right crying scared state, she ran from me, and backed into tv cabinet, I later found out she told people I pushed her into it, I think the reason I will never hug he again is related to that incident! I am like an ice block when she tries to hug me, I am like ice around her generally now, there is no love, no hate, no nothing for her, I just don't even know why i bother, although the children seem happier to have the short visits than nothing! and she is practice for people who overstep the boundaries for them to understand what is not acceptable now for me...

Mummiehunnie - done that too with m and also down in history as having pushed her into a wall.
Same with the ice thing,too.Although my m maintains I was "even like that as a newborn baby",which is their "evidence" that I was "born like this"......

Also,my dc ,while hating the way their gp's behave,are happier to keep the contact going than to cut them out altogether.

It's funny, I am finding the long term stuff easier to handle. I guess that's what the therapy was for.

Yesterday my dd called me a "terrible mother" after she caught her back on the plug in the bath as I was rinsing my hair.

I guess it was a flashback, but only to a few months ago. I was beside myself with terror, that I had caused her harm and that social services would take her away, and that I was in fact, that terrible mother that "should be stopped".

I totally overreacted emotionally. Dd, of course, was fine, not a mark. Afterwards, I hid in the bedroom and sobbed.

It was the ferocity and speed of the thought processes which has shocked me a bit. It is trauma isn't it?

She of course is aware that those things were said about me on a pretty regular basis, until I went NC. I can't believe what I've lived through sometimes. It hurts so much and I am aghast that I ever thought that it was me. I mean what a dreadful thing to do to someone, make them believe slowly over time that I am terrible, that I sould have my children removed, that I should be stopped, that I am evil, etc etc Maybe this is part of the healing process, processing the trauma.

It's left me a bit wobbly this morning.

and here comes the anger......

I'm glad in a way. I have rheumatoid Arthritis, which according to the Louise Hay types, is suppressed anger. Well that would make a lot of sense. I have noticed when I wake up, my fists are clenched tight. That cannot be good!

I shouted and screamed and ranted in the car on the way to the supermarket today. I'm glad this is happening now.

Well done, thisis :)
(As long as you weren't ranting at other drivers & little old ladies!!)

To look at, she may well be a "little old lady". So yes, but not random ones :)

Do you know though, she was, (is, for all I know) the worst "road rager" that I have ever known.

Thank you grace, been a long day. I wam frutrated. I don'y seem to have the time or the space for this at the moment, or for any of the other stuff I want to do.