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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

650 replies

stressedmummy · 25/08/2005 14:12

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 21/09/2005 20:40

Hi shhhh. thanks for thinking about me.
I intend to get to the freedom training sessions as frequently as I can & am really annoyed that I can't make tomorrows session, as I feel it would have been a good one for me to attend. (The bad father)
I am going to try & swap my days around for next weeks session, as I feel it is an important session for me to get to.
My HV has said she is free to come along with me again, next week.
She must be really keen for me to go along to these sessions, as she was only originally coming along with me for the 1st session & next weeks session will be the third one she will have accompanied me to!

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 21/09/2005 20:48

Good idea about getting the book sent to my work, Bugsy.
I already have the escape pack that the HV gave me, in my locker at work!
I have just finished reading woman who love too much & am paranoid about him finding that book.
Think I may take it along to the group next week & see if anyone there wants to read it.
Is this book a real eye opener bugsy?

OP posts:
shhhh · 21/09/2005 20:59

no worries sm. It's nice that your hv is coming with you..She may be coming with you to make sure you go! ..actually it probably helps her as she is able to see what is discussed and it possibly allows her to help & support you more. Its nice having a hv as I know my mum didn't have the support of one when my sister & I were born..it's nice to know you have someone you can count on.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 21/09/2005 21:08

I think you are probably right about my HV wanting to make sure I go along to the sessions!
My HV is suberb & has been an enormous help to me throughout all this.
How old is your dd, shhhh?

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 21/09/2005 21:09

Superb even!
My typing is not good tonight!

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Bugsy2 · 22/09/2005 10:33

For me the book was a revelation SM. I sat there with my mouth hanging open unable to believe that our relationship had not floundered because I was inadequate. I think you will probably recognise quite alot of the stuff from the sessions you have been going to, but I was gobsmacked.
Just the fact that it said someone who appears to be so normal & a great dad & family man to everyone else can be so mean & nasty behind closed doors.
After I read it, I was actually able to tell people how he treated me during our marriage. Before, because of how he used to twist stuff, I always thought it was me who was unreasonable.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 22/09/2005 16:05

It sounds like a real eye opener of a book, Bugsy & I would be interested to read it.
I will look it up on amozen later.
The one I was reading (women who love too much), was an interesting read & when I looked through the characturistics of the type of women the book was about, I was in tears because a lot of the things I was reading, described me perfectly!
I went to see my counsellor at lunchtime today & filled her in on all the latest events.
She said, that the real worry was that my ds's would see the way H is, as a normal way to be & to treat women.
That really hit a nerve, but I know it's a true danger.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 22/09/2005 16:33

Not seeing my counsellor again until 20th October, as she is spreading the sessions out.

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Bugsy2 · 22/09/2005 16:35

The male role model thing is a biggie. The book talks about this too & says that many men who exhibit this controlling, manipulative behaviour do it because they have been brought up believing either that is what men do or that it is acceptable to do it.
I also worry about my ds too.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 22/09/2005 16:39

I can believe that, because H's father was not a good role model at all & also had a bad temper.
H has said before that his brother (who lives in Canada) has a worse temper than him!
I would really hate to think of my ds's growing up the same way.
How old is your ds, Bugsy?

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 22/09/2005 21:04

Well, I didn't think the nicer side of H would last long!
Tonight, my parents came round to see us, because my Dad is offering to help H put his shed up over the w/e.
I thought H seemed very rude while they were here & it was hard work to get 2 words out of him.
My Dad is prepared to give up a day of his w/e to help H & he didn't seem at all grateful.
I felt very embarrased at his un-welcoming manner tonight.
Anyway, a bit later, my Mum mentioned that they were going over to France & asked what drink we might like her to get us.
I said we needed wine, to which she automatically assumed I must mean white wine.
I told her that I would like both red & white, to which she said "You had better not have any red."
I told her I was out of red & she then mentioned that it was a bad idea for me to have red wine, because I might spill it.
To this, I said that I should be aloud to drink what I want in my house.
H said "I don't have a problem with you drinking what you want, but you go & do stupid things."
I told him I was just answering my Mum.
He then said "Well, you can just SOD OFF then." & walked out of the room.
I felt really humiliated & embarresed, that he had spoken to me like this while my parents were sitting in the room with me.
I had to carry on talking to them, as if all was fine, when I really wanted to run off & cry.
I know it is a silly little thing, but it was just the humiliation of it all.
I have just had enough of being spoken to like this.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 22/09/2005 21:20

Nobody around????

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 23/09/2005 07:35

He went off to work this morning, without so much as a goodbye.
He is on a 12 hour shift, so will not be back until 7.30pm.
I am fed up of living like this.

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kelli22 · 23/09/2005 08:14

oh hun i can understand how you feel its ridiculous the way he behaves, just keep thinking ahead to when you can have your life back and enjoy it without him humiliating you and then you can finally be happy, how far off getting rid of him are you? (sorry to be so blunt)

kelli22 · 23/09/2005 08:16

Be strong and at least you stood up for yourself. i agree its your house and you should be able to drink and do whatever you like its not up to him to tell you what to do, you are not the one behaving like a child.

Loobie · 23/09/2005 09:08

{{{{hugs}}}} to you hunny you knew he would never last with being nice and this is just yet again more proof of that fact,dont know what else to say except keep going with your councelling and one day you will be strong enough to get out of this and away form this dreadful man.Would it be safe to CAT you to give my email and msn contacts would you be able to use them,i have spoken to you before and have so been where you are,im almost always around msn so would most probably be able to chat to you at any time you felt the need,i wont CAT you unless you let me know its safe to do so as i wouldnt cause any more trouble for you.Take care hunny you will be free one day soon.xx

eefs · 23/09/2005 09:36

oh SM,
I'm sorry he's turned again, but the fact that he's no longer hiding it in front of your parents tells me he's feeling slightly out of control now. I really think your mum was slightly out of line to suggest first that you couldn't have red wine as you might spill it - how old does she think you are FFS. Strange she seemed to echo your DH's comments - does she really want you guys to stay together that much?

You both live there, you both get to decide what drinks to have for guests, what drinks you drink yourselves.

It's a long road but you've come so far already.

Kathlean · 23/09/2005 09:49

I have to totally agree with eefs about your mother. Unless it was said as a joke you mother was wrong.

It is a joke in my house as everyone knows that I am the one to knock over the drinks, drop the laptops, spill the dinner down myself etc

bev1e · 23/09/2005 10:48

Keep with it stressedmummy, you're doing a fantastic job and I rather suspect your H is finding it all a bit too much when you stick up for yourself.

You know HE is the one with the problem. This is not how NORMAL people treat those they are supposed to love. Keep believing in yourself. You can get through this although I appreciate how difficult it must be for you particularly as your mum seems to be so unsympathetic to your situation.

dinosaur · 23/09/2005 10:56

stressedmummy I'm sorry I wasn't around last night. Those darn DSs and their inconvenient habit of sleeping in the room where the computer is .

Again, your DH has been bang out of order. I wondered whether he would start showing his true colours in front of your parents. I agree that it may be a mark of how difficult he's finding it to cope with the new, more assertive you.

Your mum's reaction about the wine was a bit odd. Do you think that in a perverse sort of way she was trying to "help you keep out of trouble"? Is that what she's been like in her own marriage with your dad?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 23/09/2005 12:53

Thankyou for all your messages.
Reading them has made me feel a bit teary again, but this is not a bad thing, as it is because it proves to me that it is not just me over reacting & I was right to also feel annoyed at my Mum's comment.
I was directing my response at my Mum, not at H & that is why I told him I was answering my Mum.
I felt that his nasty response to this, was a bit out of line, especially with my Mum & Dad in the room.
My Dad looked a bit shocked, but neither of them commented & just carried on talking as normal.
I was suprised at how much it all upset me & ended up crying while in the bath. (Didn't let H see that he had upset me, though.)
I didn't try & carry on like nothing had happened after & stayed out of his way for the rest of the evening.
I feel very near getting out of this horrible way of life now & tried to start a thread in the lone parents section, about where to go first regarding legal matters, but it wouldn't accept my nickname for some reason.
Loobie, it is fine for you to CAT me.
H is not home until 7.30pm tonight, so I am safe all day.
TBH, he doesn't seem to check the e-mails much, since changing our internet provider.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 23/09/2005 12:54

& yes dinosaur, I guess she may have been trying to keep me out of trouble with her comment, but I could have done without it!

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dinosaur · 23/09/2005 13:00

I know, stressedmummy, what you needed was support, not her treating you like a child too .

Anyway, I hope they jolly well ARE bringing you some red wine now!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 23/09/2005 13:13

So do I, dinosaur! I could do with some, that's for sure!
From what my Mum has told me, she did have very bad times in her own marraige, with my Dad's intense jealousy.
I asked her if she ever saw a solicitor etc & she said "No, because of the children & it wasn't something you did."
I feel she is actually worried about us seperating, as I think she sees it as a failure & also something less than perfect in her own life!

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dinosaur · 23/09/2005 13:16

She may also see it as something that she doesn't want to face, stressedmummy. I mean, if - or I think I should say when, you get away from your H and make a new and much happier life for yourself and the DSs, it's going to occur to her that maybe, just maybe, she could have done the same.