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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help regarding a mobile number - possible adultery

115 replies

panicandanxiety · 06/08/2010 23:06

I have discovered that soon to be exDH has text 1 mobile number an alarming amount.

I have the number of the OW - is there anyway to find out who a mobile number belongs to? He won't be honest and I would like to know who the OW is (in case I know her etc). I would be willing to pay to find out. DH has moved out after being confronted with evidence and said he hadn't loved me for years. Although I have asked him if he still loved prior to getting evidence of his text affair - he said I was imagining things and of course he loved me. I don't blame her I know I was married to (and betrayed by) him, but I would like to know who she is and if possible where she lives. DH says she is a married woman and I think her husband should know what she has been doing. He wouldn't tell me where she lives, but has told me knows the area that she lives in although he denies that he ever met her.

OP posts:
mamatomany · 09/08/2010 17:47

"mamatomany
What is the difference between an abusive husband hitting his wife and you (or your friend) punching the OW in the face?"

There is no difference at all .... so what I don't care you fcuk around with my family you wouldn't get away with it.
The OW did get away scot free in my friends case, has her children, her husband and my friend has nothing so a thump would have at leats given her some momentary satisfaction. Playing by the rules and being the good guy gets you trampled on IME.

purplepeony · 09/08/2010 18:57

maa you really need help- are you seriously advocating violence? You should be ashamed of yourself- coming on a site full of women who have been abused by men and suggesting a woman hits another woman.

The OW has not wrecked your marriage you and your DH have wrecked your marriage.

If your marriage was so strong he would not have looked elsewhere.

And at the end of the day these are texts FFS- you don't even have proof he was doing anything.

I notice thre is no suggestion in any of your posts about trying to make your marriage work, or getting to understand what went wrong.It doesn't sound as if you are very committed anyway, you just want revenge.

I still don't see how you hope to talk to the OW DH anyway- it's her mobile, not his.

ItsGraceActually · 09/08/2010 19:07

Umm, the opening post says "I don't blame her, I know I was married to (and betrayed by) him"

It also says they're separated and he told her he hadn't loved her for years.

So this isn't about saving a marriage, or blaming the OW. It's purely about whether having more info will help OP, mental health wise, or the opposite.

OP, it is quite horrible having your life ripped apart without actually knowing what happened. Even if it feels impossible now, you will get past this in time - with or without the info. Sadly enough, millions of people do.

Do your RL friends feel you should chase it up or drop it?

quaere · 09/08/2010 19:10

I think you'll never really know what happened either way.

mamatomany · 09/08/2010 19:13

My DH is in the kitchen cooking my dinner thank you very much.

The OP will get to the bottom of it no doubt but don't be a doormat, even if you don't want him any more and who could blame you ... don't let either of them off lightly.

mamatomany · 09/08/2010 19:15

Is this site really full of abused women ? I thought it was parenting we had in common.

quaere · 09/08/2010 19:17

What do you mean by 'don't be a doormat'. He's gone, mate. There's nothing to stick up for anymore

purplepeony · 09/08/2010 19:55

Grace I usually agree with your posts here but in this case I don't. Smile I think the OP has posted this in such a way as to make it look like an academic exercise-"Oh, I wonder who she is. It would be so nice to know".

Then she adds things about finding a private detec. to find her etc.

She is not just wanting to know who she is out of sheer curiosity- she wants revenge.

ItsGraceActually · 09/08/2010 20:07

Hmm. Criminal damage & abh wouldn't be the best route, agreed! I thought she wanted to vent & stick a verbal oar in - not very nice, either, but kind of understandable.

OP? Please tell me you're not planning to run her over, firebomb her house or anything like that?? I thought you said you didn't blame her (or not that much, anyway?)

Stating the obvious: whether you beat her up, talk to her or send her a bouquet - it won't get your H back, you know :(

alwayssearchingforanswers · 09/08/2010 20:14

OP...I think it really is not your right to track people down...and not right to look at you husbands phone really..a breach of privacy

You two got married,sort it out with him

I don't agree with the posts on mumsnet even about looking at partner's phone or laptop for evidence of affairs..if anyone did that to me without my permission I'd be livid and consider it a breach of my trust and would devalue the relationship.

we are people,not belongings

fgs i think marriage should be consigned to the dustbin of modern living...it seems to make people think they own people...we don't own our partners,we have a relationship with them

franklampoon · 09/08/2010 21:57

alwayssearching,wise words.
Noon owns anybody. i am with my partner because I want to be and vice versa

kittya · 09/08/2010 22:12

I would just try and drop it. If he is your ex then it shouldnt matter. Theres a chance that number belongs to someone else now, OW couldve changed hers, then you would look like an idiot. And, as someone said earlier, she's hardly going to put her husband on the phone so you can speak to him, is she? You dont know what her situation is and I would leave well alone.

Original poster
panicandanxiety · 09/08/2010 22:25

I don't believe I 'owned' him, but I do think that if you are unhappy in a marriage you should tell your spouse prior to looking elsewhere whether by text or actually physical. Just 4 days before I found evidence he reassured me he loved me as much as when we got married when I questioned him. I had tried to speak to him and only breached his privacy after he hurt my hand when I picked up his phone to check the time one evening - he was in such a panic for me to not touch his phone.

I haven't hired a private detective yet as I am unsure what to do at the moment. I really don't think I am motivated by anger or a need for revenge, although I am disgusted that married people have behaved in this way. She could be in an open relationship and if that is the case then there is no harm in telling her husband. I would like her address to check that I don't know her and to possibly tell her DH - not to physically or verbally confront her. If I were her husband I would want to know. I am unsure what I should do and feel that I possibly won't pursue this tbh. I am a little worried that her husband could physically harm her if I tell him and obviously I would feel awful then. I have very mixed views at the moment. I am angry at ex-DHs deception but the panic and anxiety is already fading and I think I could be happier without him once I am over the shock and sorting practical issues such as lack of money. My anger is directed at him, but I am trying to control it so that we can co-parent. It is just so hard with so many unanswered questions, however, I am hoping it will get easier with time.

I will need to come back and add much more detail to this thread once we are divorced in a year or so, but right now I don't want to out myself.

Thanks for all the responses anyway.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 22:34

good luck, OP x

Original poster
panicandanxiety · 09/08/2010 22:38

Thanks AF

OP posts:
kittya · 09/08/2010 22:38

thats understandable but please tread carefully. You could get really hurt. Are you completely sure he is having an affair? All the best.x

ccpccp · 10/08/2010 09:23

If OW is single then confronting her will do nothing and she will laugh it off. Maybe even apologise to you. You get closure.

If shes married then she deserves everything she gets, whether she knew about you or not. You get closure.

If its an OM, then you have bigger problems to deal with, and at least you'll know about it!

Lots of posters trying to protect the other cheater for some reason. Maybe they've been the OW in the past? Skanks :)

catwalker · 10/08/2010 10:14

One of the most horrific aspects of my DH's affair, for me, was the fact that I had been in the company of the ow and not had an inkling that there was anything going on. I can't bear the thought of being in the presence of the ow and her 'knowing', but me not. If I'd found out about the affair but not known who it was with, I would probably suspect everyone and be an even bigger emotional wreck. I think it's perfectly understandable to want to know who the ow is and a form of mental cruelty to be denied that information. Though quite how the OP finds out I've no idea.

With regard to telling the ow's husband, having been on the receiving end, I can honestly say I'm grateful to the ow's husband for telling me, even though his intention (stated loudly, aggressively and in very colourful language) was not to be helpful but to wreck my marriage. I'd have been more grateful to him though if he'd been less violent, caused less damage to my property and spared my children's feelings.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2010 10:20

THose of you who advocate (or indeed commit) violence when you get dumped - that's why you got dumped. Because you are a violent moron who thinks other people are property. It serves you right.
Oh and if you have this sort of aggressive attitude without your partners yet having dumped you, sooner or later, they will. Because no one likes living with an overpossessive loon.

kittya · 10/08/2010 11:13

I was thinking about a friend of mine who is a serial cheater, Im assuming his wife knows about it and keeps quiet because she has her own agenda. Afterall, she only married him two years ago after 18 years of him going away with work and shagging everything that moved. Now, my point is, the OW in this case, how do you know her husband isnt like my friends wife?? I would think carefully before stepping in. Also, this same friend on top of this has a long term lover of ten years who he tells me is married. She isnt. So, for some reason, it is possible that you ExH is telling you she is married and she might not be.

Can I just ask those in the know, why would a bloke say his OW is married when she isnt?

MaamRuby · 10/08/2010 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 10/08/2010 11:57

OP said...If I were her husband I would want to know.

But that's the whole point OP ( that you are missing) you are mot her DH and you have no idea what he wants or doesn't want to know.
I wish you would stop trying to jusitfy your need to find this OW by saying it's "doing her DH a big favour".

Just be honest- it's about revenge. You want her to suffer the consequences of her actions- which seem to amount to no more than some texts to your DH.

I have already said that nowhere in all your posts doyou seem to want to expend the same amount of energy in trying to get your DH back, or mending your marriage.

I wouldn't care so much if you were just honest about your motives, but trying to find out who she is is curiosity at best which will lead nowwhere ....you will just become more bitter and obsessed with her. And all on very flimsy "evidence".

Oblomov · 10/08/2010 12:03

OP has no evidence, yet. she can't tell possible Ow's dh anything, becasue she doesn't know anything for sure.

kittya · 10/08/2010 12:38

Thats what people are pointing out. Even if that phone number did belong to a woman she is hardly going to admit it. I once picked up my ExP phone after someone had rang it ten times in one hour and it was OW asking for him. They blatantly denied anything was going on even though her text to him said Im waiting for you at the Ramada Hotel!!! its a long shot thinking that she is going to come clean.

Theres no evidence of an affair, I think you will drive yourself mad persuing this. Wasnt it months ago? it could be nothing now, if it ever was.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2010 14:06

One of the most important tenets of the anti-domestic violence movement is that everyone has the right to leave a relationship without being subject to violence or abuse. Just because you're a woman being dumped by a man doesn't mean that you have some kind of special dispensation to stalk, snoop, threaten other people or damage property. You're dumped. Deal with it.

Amd trying to coerce a relucant partner to stay with you, either by physically intimidating the partner or his/her OPs, threats of public humiliation, using access to your DC as a weapon or any other means that spring to mind is not only futile (if you know that your partner is only staying because s/he is afraid of what you will do, you will spend the rest of your life in fear that s/he will get the guts to dump your sorry arse anyway) but profoundly unethical.

It;s one thing to agree to work on a relationship, go to Relate etc with a partner who has had sex with others or thought about it (without your agreement) - if both parties want to sort out an arrangment they can happily live with, that's fine. If one wants out, the other one has to accept that and have a little dignity. Which, actually, will make you feel better in the long run than behaving like a screaming hostile twat so that everyone else goes 'Wow, no wonder this person got dumped.'

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