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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help regarding a mobile number - possible adultery

115 replies

panicandanxiety · 06/08/2010 23:06

I have discovered that soon to be exDH has text 1 mobile number an alarming amount.

I have the number of the OW - is there anyway to find out who a mobile number belongs to? He won't be honest and I would like to know who the OW is (in case I know her etc). I would be willing to pay to find out. DH has moved out after being confronted with evidence and said he hadn't loved me for years. Although I have asked him if he still loved prior to getting evidence of his text affair - he said I was imagining things and of course he loved me. I don't blame her I know I was married to (and betrayed by) him, but I would like to know who she is and if possible where she lives. DH says she is a married woman and I think her husband should know what she has been doing. He wouldn't tell me where she lives, but has told me knows the area that she lives in although he denies that he ever met her.

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 10/08/2010 14:18

I think it is totally normal and human nature to want to know who the OW is. Hope you get answers OP.

Follyfoot · 10/08/2010 14:28

I can understand wanting to know who the OW is, but telling her husband? No way. Thats revenge. It can be dressed up as 'he has a right to know' or any other bollox, but the truth is its about trying to stir it up for her too.

I always think if you cant leave a relationship with anything else, at least walk away with your dignity, it will mean a lot in years to come. And telling the husband isnt very dignified.

kittya · 10/08/2010 15:12

I can understand wanting to know her name but, her address? That would be wrong.

kittya · 10/08/2010 15:15

He tells you she is married and then says he's never met her? it doesnt really make sense but, has he was quick to pack his bags and leave, it sounds like he was already out of the door.

lucky1979 · 10/08/2010 15:34

This is such a weird thread. Somehow the person who has been cheated on is the bad one, and the potential OW has become Mother Teresa with her knickers off.

OP, I totally understand why you need to know what has happened for closure. And also to make sure you don't know her, which would be really important to me. Betrayal by a close friend can be as devestating as betrayal by partner, and if that is the case, absolutely the OP has a right to know and to feel however she damn well likes about it. I don't think you deserve the agression which has been stirred up on this thread.

franklampoon · 10/08/2010 19:55

sgb your last two posts are spot on

Original poster
panicandanxiety · 10/08/2010 20:09

sgb - I hope your comments are not directed at me as I never coerced DH to stay at all. When I confronted him with the evidence I just asked for honesty. He would not be open or honest about what he had been doing, so I asked him to leave if he would not be. He left his wedding band for me so I packed all of his belongings. If he had told me he didn't love me at any point prior to this incident I would have suggested he move out while we went through marriage counselling. He has since said it was never his intention to leave (so I presume he just wanted to have his cake and eat it until he had found a more permanent arrangement to move too), but he says he thinks he has now damaged the relationship beyond repair. He is probably correct about that.

I have never been 'screaming hostile' with him at all. Although fairly irriated that he took money out of our bills account so that I have no money now to buy basics for our 2DC, but I haven't screamed, sworn or shouted over that either.

He has denied they have met up, but he himself says the relationship with the OW has damaged our relationship. That is his doing and I am NOT blaming her. He has never said the evidence is flimsy etc. He will not share the content of the texts as he said I should just 'draw a line under it' and concentrate on 'us'.

I really don't want to give too much detail (I have name changed but he knows I use mumsnet and I want some privacy from him) but he was sending between 88 and 183 texts per day with some pics etc, whilst I worked full time and he should have been concentrating on our 2 very young children. I think I have never really known my DH as I never suspected he would behave like this and I have never looked at his phone bills before the incident when he hurt my hand.

Someone asked what my friends and family think of tracking down the OW and telling her husband. Their views are very mixed, like mine - but I am all over the place at the moment.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 20:28

OP, I really cannot understand why you have had a rough ride on this thread

of course you are all over the place...who the fuck wouldn't be ?

I would also advise you not to contact OW's husband (certainly until you have some idea of the reception you may get) but I don't understand why people have been so harsh with you

< shakes head in confusion >

kittya · 10/08/2010 20:38

Some people have been bang out of line but some have been offering sound advice, at the end of the day it is up to you though. I still dont understand what you mean though "he has denied that they ever met up but says that the relationship with the OW damaged our relationship" I dont understand what this means. Was he having an affair or not?? He left without a fight, didnt he? And now you want to know who she is? I understand that and I understand if you ring her and give her a piece of your mind but the husband thing? I dont think you should go there, I honestly dont.

She might not even be married.

DinahRod · 10/08/2010 20:42

Given hb's lack of transparency re OW's identity, it's only natural alarm bells would be ringing. All very well for him to tell PAA to 'draw a line under it' but she hasn't sufficient information to do so.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 20:44

yes, I agree Op has had some good advice

but also some bloody cruel haranguing

she is in bits...who could fail to see that ?

DinahRod · 10/08/2010 21:05

True AF.

Just because we're not getting a blow-by-blow account and PAA is coming across as strong and composed doesn't mean that this is not personally devastating.

Taking control of the situation, rather than just accepting what info her hb is drip-drip feeding her, is often what we advise on here. WWIFN who, along with AF as posters I often agree with, advocates finding out as much as possible; it's like lancing a boil cleanly, removing all the festering pus (how apt) before healing can take place.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 21:10

hope you are ok, OP

kittya · 10/08/2010 21:48

Is there anyway you can get hold of his phone and ring the number from it? You might get her on the line then. I doubt you are going to get an ounce of truth from him.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2010 23:15

PAA: I wasn't particularly addressing you, was speaking in general terms (and to some of the people on this thread advocating violence and destruction). Having looked again at your posts specifically, my advice is to let it go, your H has decided to leave, now concentrate on building a better future for yourself. Pursing vengeance will hurt you a lot more than looking to the future.

kittya · 10/08/2010 23:23

I agree with you SGB but, I can understand why the OP would like to know who she is. I dont think its very clear from the original post that he is having an affair and, sadly, he seemed to easily walk away. I just think, if she is married, telling the husband may blow up in her face. Im guessing she isnt even married.

OP, I hope you are ok and I understand how this is making you feel like you are going around the bend. Ive been there and when I finally did see the OW I didnt like what I saw and I still cant get the image of her out of my head, sniggering at me. He just stood there and looked on.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 10/08/2010 23:34

AnyFucker has the wisest and most considered advice fo you, OP

I hope you're ok

But this-

'The OW has not wrecked your marriage you and your DH have wrecked your marriage.
If your marriage was so strong he would not have looked elsewhere.
And at the end of the day these are texts FFS- you don't even have proof he was doing anything.'

Beyond belief.
The op needs to take the blame for her husband's infidelity?
A huge steaming pile of crap, PurplePeony
You don't know enough about this relationship to make that judgement. What a bizarre and cruel thing to say Angry

AnyFucker · 10/08/2010 23:45

thanks, crack

I thought kittya and I had stepped into a different reality for a while there...

kittya · 10/08/2010 23:57

Me?? god, Ive been there. Its crap and it can make you think you are losing your mind.

I hope you are alright, OP.

Follyfoot · 11/08/2010 00:08

Have re-read my post and think it came across as really hard on you, and I'm sorry, that wasnt what I meant at all. Things must be really difficult for you right now.

Think what I was trying to say (badly) was being honest with ourselves about the real reasons we do/want to do something is part of the process of moving on. In years to come when this is all a horrible distant memory, it would be good if you didnt have too many regrets about decisions made in the heat of the moment which may have affected other - innocent - people like the husband if there is one.

All the very best and sorry again x

kittya · 11/08/2010 00:13

I bet there isnt one. Im sure these men say that just to make you stay away, appeal to your sensitive side. The OW in my case was definitely single and up for it, even though he told me she was married. I still dont understand the logic in that. I dont understand alot of things when it comes to affairs.....

AnyFucker · 11/08/2010 00:14

FF, that is very gracious of you x

kittya · 11/08/2010 00:20

yes, its like texting, you read it back and think, did I say that?? I wish they had an editing feature on here!!!

I just wish the OP could get some closure, Im not sure she's convinced it was/is an affair and I dont thing her DP is going to give her any answers.

NetworkGuy · 11/08/2010 02:36

panicandanxiety - when it comes to mobile phones, they're so easy to pick up on Ebay for a low cost, with or without a SIM.

I have (over a number of years, I'm not an anorak mobile phone collector!) bought a few Nokia 8310s (small with a sensitive FM radio).

Several have come with SIMs in. However, in many cases, it is easy to get SIMs for free with little or no trace (again via Ebay).

I really wouldn't waste any time on trying to get a trace on the number to identify anyone - it could be unregistered (like the 2 Asda SIMs I have), or registered to a business (without knowing who within the firm is allocated that number). Even if it had been registered, it could be at an address that was last used 10+ years ago (I have 2 Orange SIMs, one dating from 1996, the other from 2001), so you could spend money and have no information apart from a surname and initial and years of house moves to follow.

Also, having seen catwalkers experience, there's just no knowing how any other partner (assuming the OW is married) will react. If the OW's partner decides he will damage your home as a way of 'getting at' your husband, it will be you too that suffers, and no knowing how long it might go on.

Can see why 'being put in the picture' might seem a desirable thing (and anyone who had so-called friends who knew, but left them in the dark, will accept that thinking), but the unknown consequences are just that - unknown.

Sorry things have gone this way - hope you can settle things as amicably as possible.

singledomisgood · 11/08/2010 08:21

I havent read the whole thread so forgive me if what I say is not relevant!

If OP is being told that her DH hasnt loved her for years and that things were wrong between them, then she wants/needs to know why. She is probably blaming herself and trying to work out what she did wrong. I dont totally agree with snooping but if it helps with closure then why not? But then I dont agree with affairs so why is it ok for the DH to find anothe woman when he decided marriage was over but not for OP to start snooping for answers when she finds out its ended?

I doubt he is giving her the information as to why it is over so she is just needs to clarify things for her own peace of mind.