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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help regarding a mobile number - possible adultery

115 replies

panicandanxiety · 06/08/2010 23:06

I have discovered that soon to be exDH has text 1 mobile number an alarming amount.

I have the number of the OW - is there anyway to find out who a mobile number belongs to? He won't be honest and I would like to know who the OW is (in case I know her etc). I would be willing to pay to find out. DH has moved out after being confronted with evidence and said he hadn't loved me for years. Although I have asked him if he still loved prior to getting evidence of his text affair - he said I was imagining things and of course he loved me. I don't blame her I know I was married to (and betrayed by) him, but I would like to know who she is and if possible where she lives. DH says she is a married woman and I think her husband should know what she has been doing. He wouldn't tell me where she lives, but has told me knows the area that she lives in although he denies that he ever met her.

OP posts:
nancydrewrocked · 09/08/2010 05:38

Not sure "punching the OW in the face 3 times" would get you anywhere either mamatomany Hmm

BaggyAgy · 09/08/2010 05:50

Having been deceived, when other people around me knew, I would CERTAINLY want to be told as soon as possible. Tell him, he deserves to know the truth.

EekaSqueaka · 09/08/2010 08:15

I would tell him too but if you are going to do so, you should be prepared to prove what you know, if requested.

I wish someone had done the same for me!

purplepeony · 09/08/2010 08:25

Baggy Having been deceived, when other people around me knew, I would CERTAINLY want to be told as soon as possible. Tell him, he deserves to know the truth.
That's what you wanted Baggy- doesn't mean to say everyone's the same.

IMO there are some marriages that totter along in total ignorance and that's fine.
What you don't know doesn't hurt. It may well be that the OW deeply regrets her actions.

What the OP is actually sayng is- well, you ruined ( did she?) my marriage, so I am going to try t o ruin yours now.

OP- your blame should lie with your DH- if it wasn't this Ow then it would presumably be another one.

I understand your anger, but revenge is a dish best served cold as they say, and I suspect that in 10 years time- if you ever did get to make contact with her DH which is very unlikely, you would feel quite ashamed of what is a petulant, nasty behaviour.

foureleven · 09/08/2010 08:29

I dont think you should tell the husband... what if he is abusive?

purplepeony · 09/08/2010 08:30

Oh and by the way., a text affair r is not really an affair imo. Unless they actually had sex, then it's almost equivalent to browing porn on the web. That's my feeling anyway- it's not real- it was all a fantasy by phone.

Sounds as if your marriage was in trouble for a long time before this happened, and rather than face up to that, you are making this OW a scapegoat - she is a symptom of an underlying problem- instead of trying to understand what went wrong.

Maybe you would b ebetter off putting your time and energy into trying to rebuild your marriage- such as by going to Relate- or go to Relate anyway to get rid of your anger in a controlled and constructive way. It really would help.

foureleven · 09/08/2010 08:35

Not an affair? really? Putting your energies in to another woman that you text behind your wifes back..

mamatomany · 09/08/2010 09:20

"Not sure "punching the OW in the face 3 times" would get you anywhere either mamatomany."

I'm sure it wouldn't but ten years later my friend would still like to, purely down to the injustice of the whole situation. A punch on the nose would get YOU into trouble, telling the OW's husband certainly wouldn't.

foureleven · 09/08/2010 09:30

Well, unless the OW came round and punched OP on the nose for telling her husband that is..

Anyway.. depends on what you call trouble.. I dont think karma would look on OP favourably for telling the husband, particualrly if he is abusive.

And punching OW in the face??? Shame on you.

mamatomany · 09/08/2010 09:55

If he's abusive she should leave him ... you don't go around ruining other peoples marriages.
A punch on the nose would be too good for many of the sluts out there that go around wrecking homes.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 10:19

mama...you sound lovely Hmm

mamatomany · 09/08/2010 10:55

Oh I am lovely until somebody threatens my home and family, luckily it's never happened to me but as for protecting somebody from possible abusive, which we do not know is the case, she should have thought of that before she started messing around with another woman's husband and children's fathers.

foureleven · 09/08/2010 13:14

scary.

franklampoon · 09/08/2010 15:08

Punching? Are you serious?Does your friend fancy a spell in prison?

bleedingheart · 09/08/2010 15:17

Telling the OW's H won't change anything. If he doesn't already know, I very much doubt his wounded pride will lead him to a heartlfelt thanks and gratitude for you. I have a horrible feeling the reaction he gives you may isolate you more. Your H needs to tell you who it is. He is the one who has betrayed you.

sorky · 09/08/2010 15:21

Walk away OP. It's a horrid situation you're in, but your anger is directed at the wrong person.

You have no idea what the OW circumstances are, maybe she has left her Dh.

You don't have any evidence of an affair with which to contact the other parties' partner. All you have are lots of texts. I wouldn't be trusting anything your Dh says at this point Hmm

For that matter how do you know even it's a woman?

ccpccp · 09/08/2010 15:22

Do whatever you can to bring the OW down.

If this means destroying her marriage then so be it. She destroyed yours without a second thought, so step up and spread the pain around a little! Are you afraid of her? Her friends and family need to know what a skank she is.

You never know, husband might look on you with new respect if you show a little fight.

MmeLindt · 09/08/2010 15:23

mamatomany
What is the difference between an abusive husband hitting his wife and you (or your friend) punching the OW in the face?

Violence is violence.

OP
I do not believe that you will feel better by knowing more, or letting the husband know. You are misdirecting your anger. You should be mad at your H, not at the other woman. Especially when you do not know what he has been telling her.

sorky · 09/08/2010 15:24

sorry, I meant to add to the bottom of that last post

that honestly happened to a 'friend of a friend' not so long ago. They were married, 1 child, he had an affair with another man.

sorky · 09/08/2010 15:28

Whether she has cheated on her partner is nothing to do with you.

For all you know, your Dh could've told her he was single.

Whilst that doesn't excuse cheating on either side, she doesn't deserve to be outed because you are hurting.

You really need to be taking the higher moral ground here because I suspect when the pain lessens, you won't be proud of confronting the OW's partner and having a part in the ruining of a family.

(yes yes I know she shagged about, but you get my point)

ccpccp · 09/08/2010 15:47

People are too soft!

If someone messes with my marriage, I wont be going quietly! It'll be carnage all the way for both of the cheating parties.

Just who the fuk does OW think she is?

While you're at it OP, I trust you let all of ex husbands work collegues know what hes done? Does wonders for promotion.

Dont be the victim.

kittya · 09/08/2010 16:16

The point is the OP does not KNOW whether he is having an affair or not and, she could land herself in a right humiliating mess

foureleven · 09/08/2010 16:45

I thought he wwas definitley having an affair but she had only just found the number... OP clarify..?

ItsGraceActually · 09/08/2010 16:47

This issue will always be divided, won't it? It's like the "should I tell?" question when you've discovered a friend having an affair.

My opinion (not advice) is that you may as well get the number traced, OP, and tell the husband if you want to. I don't feel you owe anything to OW/OM and their DH/DW, neither do I see why you should protect the cheating partner.

Advice: Put your own feelings first in this case. If, on reflection, you think you'll get more upset by having further details, don't do it. If you still want to talk to them, go for it. All the best, whichever.

Jux · 09/08/2010 17:15

Why is the OW wrecking the marriage. If the DH didn't want her to, then she'd have a hell of a job on her own. HE's the one who's wrecked the marriage. How do you know he didn't lie to her, tell her your marriage was all but over and you were only living in the same house for financial reasons, or any of the other lies that bloke's tell women when they want to shag them.

It is your dh at fault. Leave the OW's family out of it. Put the blame where it actually lies.

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