is hesex addict or am i the problem

[womblingfree1970]

my h always wants sex.will text me from work asking if he can have sex that night(not in those words tho).When we are sat in bed watching tv he will be constantly fondling me and touching my genitals(over or under my clothes).I ask him to stop and he looks at me as if I'm strange.We have sex several times a week and I wold describe it as adventurous.But he just seems to want more and more.Even when I'm ill.Surely this can't be normal

Sorry had to pop out.

I'm O.k sometimes I feel sad ,because basically I'm losing my marriage.So sometimes I'm tearful.

Other times I feel well its probably the only way I can find myself again.Like the info on the abuse site says,once I was a whole person a different strong person.I'm not that person anymore

You will be who you feel you were again. Have faith in yourself!

We can all get lost in unhealthy relationships but it is entirely possible to recover and to be stronger than before, if anything.

Strike out and do some things for yourself, even a little online shopping just for you, if it's difficult to get out.

Start prioritising yourself and what you want, begin as you mean to go on. Try not to think of it as losing a marriage but gaining a new life for you and your DC and all the happy possibilities that brings.

Don't worry about the children growing up in a "broken home". It is much more damaging for them to see the way their father treats you - they cannot be oblivious to his constant groping. That would be a horrible sign to give them, that this kind of behaviour is normal between adults.

I rang H tonight as he hadn't contacted me with regards to seeing kids.Then it leads to him telling me that I need treatment that I'm an abuser.I got upset with him told him that people do things that are abusive and wrong ie like shout in disagreements but that doesn't make them an abuser.He goes on telling me that there stuff wrong with me and that I'm an abuser and need treatment.In the end I had enough and everything I thought about him and all the stuff he's done to me came spilling out.He then had the cheek to say he doesn't have to take this.

I hadn't put this in my post previously but my H has had treatment in the past for abuse towards me.The abuse he inflicted was quite extreme.

Anyway then he says well you do what you have to do and starts hinting at me filing for divorce.Is that reverse psychology.I think thats what he's trying to do or maybe he wants me to divorce him so I am the one to blame.Went on to say that he was willing to try at relationship still.

He starts saying that he will sort himself out that he's not abusing anyone ever again.

That he was willing to sort reltionship out but I'm not

Hi is ther anyone who can give me some advice as I'm feeling really down

It's too little too late, isn't it?

He won't change. But you will be happier without him if you give yourself some time.

treatment for abusing you? How does that work?

How long have you been apart?

Oh wombling, I wish I knew the right thing to say, but all I can think of is that he's being a controlling arse, trying to diminish his behaviour by turning the tables on you. It's something that men can do very well, I've noticed over the years.

Please, don't let his crap get to you. You've been doing great, coping brilliantly and one phone call with him has you doubting yourself all over again.

The problem is with him. He has cheated on you numerous times, he has abused you, he treats you like a receptacle for his cock and he tells you you're abusive because you're no longer prepared to put up with it? I doubt even he can genuinely belive that.

What on earth are you to blame for? Taking care of yourself? Protecting yourself and your family from his abuse?

Please Wombling, don't let his mind games get to you. Read back through the thread again and take reassurance from the responses you've received. I hope some other insomniac will be along soon with all the right things to say. In the meantime, big hugs Wombling x

I know you realise that turning the accusation of abuse onto you is just classic abusive mind-fucking! I let my H divorce me for abuse, since he'd dug that hole for himself - he must have thought I'd cave in at the last minute. Tbh, I wouldn't have cared if he'd written that I cut off his toes & fried them for breakfast.

It seems more logical for you to divorce him: you could cite his infidelity or the groping; they're both perfectly sound reasons. There is no 'blame' attached to starting a divorce - though there's plenty in "quite extreme" abuse, infidelity both real & virtual, and sexual harassment!

I gather you're grieving right now - trying to come to terms with your reality. Don't let this hold you back from regaining your own life, for you & DC.

The treatment he had was counselling by a DV counsellor.So the treatment deals with all types of abusive behaviour.He had it 2 years ago.

Since then I never let him move back to the marrital home so we haven't been living together for over 2 years.But we were still trying at the marriage.He would stay over.So fortunately I don't need grounds for divorce just 2 years seperation.

Anyway thats how he's managed to get away with all the cheating because he had his own place.

Wombling:

he is lying

simple as that.

He doesn't think for one moment that he was abused by you. He's saying you're an abuser so that you question yourself, putting you on the back foot. He's making you think defensively, so you stop thinking about what he did to you. And whatever else happened between you, he really did do those things. And he is lying, I say it again, when he claims he won't do them again. He'll do the same or something just as nasty.

Initiating divorce does not make you "the one to blame", because "blame" means you have done something wrong. You are legally and morally entitled to divorce a man who treats you horribly. And you are entitled to say "enough" when you have really had enough, not when he decides he has had enough chances. Believe me, I've been through the self-flagellation thing, do I have the right to break up the family, I made a promise in church and all that stuff (and XH wasn't a tenth as awful as yours). I have, or rather had, very strong opinions on sticking with the partner you chose and making it work, including sticking by someone who has mental health issues vs abandoning them to wallow in their own filth. The conclusion was, it had to be done. Now it's done. He still won't change, but I'm not living with it any more and my children are gradually working through the issues they picked up from him (not from me divorcing him, please note). That's what I call a happy ending, don't you?

I agree with Annie. You are not to blame in any way for the divorce. That man is a complete narcissist with delusions of grandeur.

Let him say what he wants and do what he wants because in the end, as long as you get away from him for good, nothing else matters except that you are finally free.

I've been lurking on this post but with reading your last post, I felt I had to say something. Don't let him make you cave Womble, you are better than he is.

Well I've just told him I want a divorce and his reply was you do what you have to do.

Then he tried to imply that he was willing to make great changes but now I'll never know.That he was finally going to sort himself out.

Good for him. Let him sort himself out, it won't do him any harm and it might just help make him a better parent for your DC, despite not being in your life.

But tbh, it sounds like he's still talking a whole load of shite to try to keep you thinking this is about you and not him. He's still trying to control you. I guess only time will tell.

started doubting myself again

It was his last statement he said that he was willing to tell relationship counsellor that he had abused in the past.Then he went onto say thats what he had said he would do all along.I'm pretty sure that isn't the case.That he said he wouldn't admit to past abuse and then he changed it to he would but only if I said I had abused him also.

So now he has me doubting myself again.I'm sure he never said that.So anyway he says he was willing to sort us out and now I'll never know.

Surely if he was really willing to sort himself out he would be going back to the DV counsellor because relate don't deal with abuse.

Wombling - one very important phrase springs to mind here:

"Actions speak louder than words"

It's what someone DOES, that indicates their true intentions and feelings, and not what someone SAYS or even "SAYS they will do". He's just trying to control your behaviour with these comments.

Don't let him fool you with "I'm going to do this/going to do that". Watch his actions. Willing to bet they won't change at all!

Yes thats what I'm thinking and thats what I said to him.That he's done nothing and actually the things he has done in the past were done half hearted with manipulation etc.

Like for instance engaging in treatment programme.Well since then I've discovered all sorts of antics he got upto whilst he was suppose to be fully engaging in treatment

How very sad Wombling. All the evidence points to someone who, deep down, doesn't think there's anything wrong with his behaviour. He may even get a kick out of it...

And just for the record, none of his behaviour/actions are your responsibility, despite what he may try and foist on to you. People who respond with "well you make me behave this way/do this" are at best deluding themselves, and at worst poisonous.

I'm so proud of you for standing your ground. Keep strong.

"So now he has me doubting myself again.I'm sure he never said that."

wombling, please google "gaslighting".

Thankyou all for your support.

And yes I will google gaslighting.

Wait, he treats you like dirt and then wants you to admit to abusing him ?

The man is clearly nuts. Seriously. You will be much better off without him. Don't let him make you doubt yourself Wombling, you are doing brilliantly and it can only get better when he's gone.

He's now rang me saying he really doesn't want a divorce.Says that obviously we have communication issues and doesn't want our marriage to end because of them.

I said no if the only issue was communication problems then we could sort them out through relationship counselling.

The issues I have are that he is abusive,controlling and treats me as a sex object.Not because we have communication problems.He then tried to imply I didn't understand him.I said no I fully understand what you are saying but I don't agree that we would be divorcing because of communication issues.

Because I've said I'm not interested.

He's now denying he even said he didn't want divorce and is denying the conversation even happened.Saying again you do what you have to do and later it will all come back to haunt you.

He said I misheard what he said and he wasn't saying he didn't want a divorce.

Also said I'll realise what was wrong with me later

Feeling really low about everything