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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is hesex addict or am i the problem

139 replies

womblingfree1970 · 04/08/2010 22:18

my h always wants sex.will text me from work asking if he can have sex that night(not in those words tho).When we are sat in bed watching tv he will be constantly fondling me and touching my genitals(over or under my clothes).I ask him to stop and he looks at me as if I'm strange.We have sex several times a week and I wold describe it as adventurous.But he just seems to want more and more.Even when I'm ill.Surely this can't be normal

OP posts:

MrsSawdust · 04/08/2010 22:58

'.Have spent countless nights not sleeping because of constant groping'

He does not respect you and your boundaries. In answer to your original question - it's not you with the problem. It's him.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 04/08/2010 22:59

I know divorce is probably the answer.I'm just scared of going it alone.I know I'll be ok.financially I'm stuck tho.but I know I can cope on my own better than having to be treated like that all the time.I just have to pluck up the courage to tell him its over

OP posts:

TitsalinaBumSquash · 04/08/2010 23:00

He sounds like a complete arehole who needs to learn some respect, some self contol and some bloody manners.
Good for you for seperating and not putting up with it. What is he an animal?

Really angry on your behalf.

Eurostar · 04/08/2010 23:06

I remember there was a poster on here who was dating a man like that, she said it had been flattering for the first few months and then she got sick of it and turned off too. Your H is soon going to find that there's probably no woman in this world who would enjoy his behaviour for any length of time despite his assertions that you are not normal. Maybe a psychosexual therapist could get to the root of why he can't enjoy normal loving sex and why he can't understand why what is does is wrong on every level.

ItsGraceActually · 04/08/2010 23:25

Cripes, that's revolting behaviour and you are NOT wrong to say "No more"! He's basically molesting you. If you were looking for validation, you've got it in spades from me. You shouldn't have had to put up with this at all, never mind for 14 years.

Probably not a sex addict, btw, more of a selfish wanker. Sex addicts have issues with intimacy - your H appears to have issues with sex.

MadAboutQuavers · 04/08/2010 23:27

I'm not surprised you want to split from him, Wombling.
Having sex every night of the week is fine - provided it's loving, consensual and considerate. Sounds like your H is just content to treat you as a recepticle for his penis... Where's the respect?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 05/08/2010 01:13

Wow you are going to be fine, probably better than ever when you don't have to face each day tired from someone sexually assaulting (unwanted groping) you all night in your own home.

MmeLindt · 05/08/2010 01:25

What disgusting behaviour from your H. He has no respect for you, for your feelings or your privacy. How dare he grope you constantly, so that you cannot relax in your own home. I am quite angry for you.

If he is in any doubt about whose behaviour is strange, let him read this thread and see that no one - not one person - has said that they would accept this kind of molestation from their partner.

macdoodle · 05/08/2010 07:26

My ex was like this, he honestly made me believe it was me that had the problem, because "I didnt participate enough"!!
When he had an affair it was my fault to, because we didnt have sex enough!
He was/is and abusive twat, but it took me a long time to realise it!!

Angelcat666 · 05/08/2010 10:10

He really has no respect for you. Yes, it's scary going it alone but you can do, you are strong enough.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 05/08/2010 10:49

the other thing is he has cheated on me with several women(last year).Had brief affairs with them that lasted maximum of about a month.These women were apparently up for it alot(they were divorced single mums ).But as I see it surely thats because the relationship was new.And if he had stayed with them sex would settle down.So this has now fuelled his thoughts that I have the problem.So given him an even more warped view.

Oh btw these women didn't know he ws married he lied to them.Met them on a dating site he was posing as single.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/08/2010 10:52

WF...is this for real ?

you stayed with this twat ?

and are still wobbling about fucking him off for good ???????

please, wake up and don't give it another thought

get rid of him...and mean it

minipie · 05/08/2010 10:59

He has a serious, serious problem. He needs to get it sorted out. I think you should separate unless and until he proves he is getting counselling and his attitudes have completely changed. Unfortunately I suspect that is unlikely.

If you are living separately now, that proves you can manage on your own. Better to be scared of being alone, but in a situation you can control, than living with an unfaithful sex pest and scared of what he might ask you to do next.

Oh and please get an STI test if you haven't already.

booyhoo · 05/08/2010 11:04

this man has no respect for you and he wont change. you need to end it. he is with you because you have let him do this for 14 years. i guarantee you if you put your foot down and said this is to stop now, he would leave. my ex was like this, although not anywhere near as bad as yours sounds but i believe the porn was a huge factor. one of his reasons for us not having a 'normal' relationship (yes he wrote a list!!) was that our sex was boring. it was far from it but his idea of sex was what you see on porn not sex with two willing participants (as opposed to one person trying out all he wants to do and the other just complying.)

leave and be glad that you are free from this abuse.

MmeLindt · 05/08/2010 11:04

Wombling
You have got to stay strong and kick this wanker out of your life. What a complete and utter twat.

If this was your friend, and she told you what he had done, and how he treats you, would you advise her to stay and fight for her marriage?

glastocat · 05/08/2010 11:04

God he sounds completely vile. Get rid.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 05/08/2010 11:09

Been STI tested came back all clear.

Yes we are living seperately now.He's waiting for me to make up my mind.I finding lfe O.K on my own.Financially I'm coping.I cope O.K with the kids.So on a daily basis things are fine.

The only sticking point is I've got a mortgaged house(fortunately paid off)but obviously if we divorce I we owe him a percentage when the youngest reaches 16.That scares me as I can't work because I have a disabled child.So I can't see I'll ever be able to afford to pay him.Would downsize if I could but at bottom of housing ladder now.

Would have been better if the house was repossessed and we were rehoused by council.But obviously I'm not in that position

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 05/08/2010 11:12

Get legal advice on where you stand with your house.

You are coping without him.

Send him a letter stating that you do not want to get back together with him and that he has to stop inappropriate texting or you will phone the police and have him charged with harassment.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 05/08/2010 11:16

he's stopped texting now.In fact he's stopped all contact.He's agreed to lave me alone completely to decide what I want.

But I think he's got the ideas that if he leaves me alone to decide that my decision will be that I want him back.But actually its going the other way.The more I think about what he's done the more i think I'm better off on my own

OP posts:

nowherewoman · 05/08/2010 11:16

God you're going to feel so much better when you're divorced! The financial stuff is scary, but you've got to keep in your mind that you don't want to be with this man ever again, and your mental health is so much more important. Stay strong and good luck.

comtessa · 05/08/2010 11:18

Also, suggest he gets counselling. And, if things are too far gone for Relate counselling for both of you, get some counselling for yourself just to give yourself some perspective and headspace. I really hope things work out for you.
The law recognises rape within marriage, and this sounds like sexual assault within marriage.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 05/08/2010 11:23

He wants to go relate counselling but with the provisal that we don't mention certain stuff(like his inappropriate behaviour).So I don't see the point.

Also had legal advice he will be entitled to about 40% of the house when youngest reaches 16 or 18 if she goes to college

OP posts:

proudnsad · 05/08/2010 11:28

Womblingfree, I never EVER say this on here as I cannot stand the 'get rid' brigade but I really, really urge you to leave him now. Fuck the relate counselling.

In my opinion, he has been sexually assaulting you for years.

The other women..Jesus Christ.

I bet there is loads more to this isn't there? I would imagine this selfish brute has controlled and bullied you in other ways.

I feel physically sick at the way he's been manhandling you. It's despicable. You need to be free of him.

booyhoo · 05/08/2010 11:45

the very fact that he wouldn't allow you to mention his inappropriate behaviour in counselling says that he really hasn't accepted there is a problem that needs addressed. he wont let you discuss it with a counsellor because that would mean he would have to admit his behaviour and end it but he clearly doesn't want to do this. he wants to carry on what he has been doing. you are doing the right thing in leaving him.

AnyFucker · 05/08/2010 11:46

no point in counselling for him

what a fucking nob-end

WF...don't worry about what might happen in a few years time

things always find a way to get sorted...you have proved this already

please, please, please do not ever let him back in your life except as (because I guess it is true...not that he deserves it) as a father to your children

and no more, fgs, no more

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