is hesex addict or am i the problem

[womblingfree1970]

my h always wants sex.will text me from work asking if he can have sex that night(not in those words tho).When we are sat in bed watching tv he will be constantly fondling me and touching my genitals(over or under my clothes).I ask him to stop and he looks at me as if I'm strange.We have sex several times a week and I wold describe it as adventurous.But he just seems to want more and more.Even when I'm ill.Surely this can't be normal

proudnsad

yes you are right there has been and still are other controlling/abusive behaviours.

yes he's the father of the children so he will continue to see them.I would never use the kids.I want the bes for them

yes, no point in counselling IMO. he's a complete fuckwit

I don't know about law re: divorce but have you any proof of the affairs, and use that when you file the papers? isn't it citing unreasonable behaviour etc?

Yes I have proof.I'm not worried about what grounds for divorce I need as thats sorted

I'm not sure you should be taking his word for it about what his legal advice said. Don't you think it's possible that he was lying/exaggerating to scare you back into submission?

You are in a strong position now, you don't have him there with you every day draining your life away - if you slipped back into living like this things would be even worse. For one thing he would know he had you "trapped". Also you don't want the DC picking up on this kind of relationship and considering it normal. Anyone has the right to live in their own home unmolested and without being bullied and disrespected in any of the many ways he has disrespected you.

I got legal advice and was told he would get about 40%.I also have checked qbout what grounds etc I csn do it.This was a while back now so I need to recheck.

But these things are all a long way in the future wombling, if your other children leave home then things won't be as strained moneywise as they are at the moment. If one of your DC needs care surely he should be contributing to that too?

You're talking about protecting your DC for the rest of their childhood, and giving you all a chance to live in peace without this poisonous bloke around.

now that you put it like that I know you are right.i always battle with the fact that the kids will be growing up in a broken home.That financially I won't be able to give them evrything I wnt to.But on the other side of things they are growing up thinking this is normal and it def isn't

Exactly, and I bet if he doesn't give you much attention (except the shouty kind, and the sexual assault kind) he doesn't have much time for the kids either?

They don't need many things that you can buy them, except the basics. What they do need is to live in peace with a parent who loves them and is not being distracted by being treated like an object and abused.

you seem to know him so well.Up until about a month ago he spent most of his time watching tv.Since i've mentioned it he has made the effort with the kids.But again its something thats plagued the marriage.He doe absolutely nothing,I'll tell him and then he will help for a while.I'm wondering why I never walked away years ago.

I think I've stayed because he will address the roblems for a while and then slip back to oldways and I don't even realise.The fact that he'll make the effort for a while always draws me back in

so don't be drawn back this time

he won't sustain any temporary change, you know that now

the change has come from you, he will never change

I don't know him, wombling, he's just tiresomely predictable as I'm sure you've found.

Does any of this sound familiar? I'm thinking of the diagram especially.

Yes sounds so familiar.If we have a disagreement he will threaten to leave.shout,accuse,use abusive language.Then after apologises and even denies it happened like it did.justifies it by blaming me.

Then when he's apologised he expects me to forgive and forget and act like nothing happened.Including he expects me to be loving and sexual towards him and I don't want to.

Then you know there's only one way out of it. Do you think you can go through with it?

i hope so.its just telling him its over.i just hope he just excepts it and we can work through the divorce amicably

He has no choice but to accept it

How difficult he wants to make it...that is another question

But don't let it stop you

In fact, the very way you are thinking and worrying how he will take it should firm your resolve even more...

yes I'm sure you are right

You see part of me still wnts he to wake up and realise that he has a problem and get help.Even when I tell him that I want a divorce part of me wants him to say that he realises that he needs help.But I'm sure that won't happen

it won't

and if it did, it would only be to play along with you for a while until you shut up whinging, then it would be business as usual for him

I expect he will yet beg for one more chance when he realises you are serious.

And this is where you are going to have be very, very strong to not collude with the destructive patterns that have gone before...

but it sounds like you have suggested counselling and he won't have any counselling that deals with his behaviour.

if it has got to the point of you moving out and talking about divorce, and he still won't accept he has a problem, I am not sure he is ever going to realise it.

there comes a time when you have to distance yourself and let him sort himself out in his own time (if he is ever going to).

He doesn't want to change - why would he? If he changed he would have to acknowledge that you are a worthwhile person in your own right, whose desires (or lack of them), feelings and happiness matter as much as his do. At the moment if he can keep you down he has someone to feel superior over in his very own home, someone to abuse whenever he feels like it, someone to cater for him, someone to feed and look after his kids, someone to shout at when he's frustrated. He's onto a real winner there.

Yes I can see you all are right.I've just got off from speaking to someone about getiing legal advice.Won't be able to have an appointment until children are back at school as I have no one to look after them.So I'll wait til then to get appointment

That's really great. Will you be able to stay apart from him til then? (Are you at home?)

Yes I'm in the home with the kids.He moved out

How are you feeling?