Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

We've been in our current home for 3 years. Rental agreement in both names. Joint account for bills and individual accounts for earnings etc.

If i even entertained the idea of taking him back it would be months from now with a lot of counselling under the bridge and not a sign that his Mother is going to come first. So it's looking pretty unlikely isn't it! I felt so scared about that yesterday - the idea I might be alone with DD but now I'm quite relishing the thought of not being in turmoil waiting for DH to decide about our relationship. It's not just his decision to make!

Annie....yes you may well be right.

Thanks SAF - yes I would have to accept that I suppose. But as you say DD will come home to normality.

Writing this down, I think his manipulation's more than I even thought it was. DD was ill a few months ago, she would wake up every 30 mins to hour throughout the night. I was getting up each time. I didn't get up fast enough so DH sighed, and stomped through to her room and bellowed her name at her really loudly. I was angry at him and told him not to ever bother getting up in the night with her at all as it was counter productive and she got hysterical and cried more after his outburst.

The next day I was in a conversation with DH about my family. He refused to answer me and continued to play with DD. I raised my voice - not a lot it has to be said. No louder than a voice i'd play with dd in. I was just trying to get him to answer me. He walked out of the room with DD covering her ears and smothering her with kisses telling her it'd all be ok. I followed him and asked what the hell he was doing, he said if he couldn't shout then nor should I. It was an entirely different situation and he made me feel like shit. I have confronted him over these things and he has repeatedly told me that I am hysterical/make things up. He uses that I had an eating disorder in teh past as a reason for me being in his words 'unstable'. OUr relationship will all be fine if I 'sort my head out'. I don't think I need it sorting.

I'm not writing these instances out for sympathy, I just feel better knowing that I am doing the right thing here.

Oh god, you so are doing the right thing. He sounds like a chip off the old block all right. Telling you you're unstable is a classic btw. Once he realises you are considering divorce he'll be explaining how he has to have main residence with DD because SS won't let you "with your mental history". Betcha. Don't fall for it.

Annie - During our arguments before he menacingly tells me he will fight me tooth and nail for DD - and mentions past ED. He tried to diagnose me with Antenatal depression, PND (I did have although much later than he tried to force his diagnosis on me). He says he won't stand for my family bringing up DD. They wouldn't do anything of the sort by the way! It's all in his head.

I have spoken to CAB -I am awaitinga call back from them re solicitors who will give free half hour and everything else so I'm just waiting at the moment.
I'm so worried about 50/50 custody though.

I'm sorry, but I think your DH is as bonkers as his mother. He certainly lacks balls.

He may not be as manipulative as his mother....yet, but believe me he's working on it.

TBH, you would benefit from counselling, if only to strenghten your self esteem issues, and to see how destructive that family is for you, and to give you the strength and clarity you will need to leave them all behind.

Your DH is betraying you on a daily basis, because he is not enough of a man to stand up to his mother, and also that he is as nasty-in-training as she would have been at his age.

The red flag to me is that he is using your eating disorder to undermine you, not helping you to overcome it and rebuild, he's using it as a weapon against you.

As for taking DD out of the room ignoring you when you raised your voice slightly to be heard???? Sound like anyone you know?

Get yourself strong, protect yourself against all these people by doing whatever counselling you need and then RUN LIKE THE FRIGGING WIND away from those utter psychos.

... Or do you want DD to grow up learning how to be by watching them?

I can't believe you are still there, it's time to go find normal people to be with.

DD's up so time for lunch then we're off out to a friends coffee shop - DD loves to play with friends Italian father who works there, and the cakes are good too!

No I don't want DD to learn anything from them - I think that's why my maternal instincts have been screaming out for so long to keep her away - it was something I couldnt' put into words to DH - not that he'd listen if I did.

I know you will get this question a lot, but is it normal for someone who is essentially a bully like this to be completely unaware of his behaviour? I have confronted him on more than one occasion and is is adamant that he doesn't mean to be like that or make me feel like that.

LMHF - Eating disorder is in the past - was sort of only in the first year that I met him that was the end of it. If I think about it now, he almost wasn't pleased when I was better. I think he maybe felt I was less vulnerable. I did always feel railroaded slightly into moving in together (after 3 months) etc - but I was on rebound - I met DH only a week after splitting from horrible ex and DH treated me so nicely at first. Although he did keep talking about engagement v early on and talked about a ring he had that I don't necessarily think existed. Then after arguments he'd say 'Oh I was going to ask you to marry me this weekend, but then you caused an argument/went and saw your family' etc. Probably should have run like the wind then but Iw wouldn't have DD so it's all worth it.

Jesus fucking Christ. Every time I read more on this family you have been unlucky enough to find yourself attached to, it makes me sigh with relief that my unborn DD's paternal grandparents are good, decent people with respect for the woman who is bringing their first GD into the world.

Annie is right. If (and I really actually hope it's a 'when') you tell your DH that you want out of the asylum, there will probably be an intense period of him trying to manipulate you into staying with him. Difficult to say what form that will take, a more normal non-fucked up adult might beg and plead, I think your DH is more likely to go down a more psychologically manipulative route, but you will have to judge this as it comes at you. When he realises he can't get around you, he'll be the asshole he has always been, just probably more blatant about it. And like Annie says, he'll try to tell you you are unstable and that SS will back him up. Don't waiver. Don't even think about it. Who has been unstable over the last couple of days, huh? He's lost the power to make any judgment on your parenting skills (not that he should've anyway, and as an aside, you sound like a really fantastic mum :)).

Still can't get over how fucking childish your DH is. I think the general consensus is right, he is your immediate problem. Figure out how you are going to handle him and then deal with the devil-in-law. This all just infuriates me, I can't even begin to imagine how it feels for you actually having a role in this soap opera of your MIL's creation.

Please remember, you have support here, so many people are pulling for you and your DD, you are never alone.

Also very briefly everyone and I mean EVERYONE loves him (apart from my family - they're very polite and friendly with him but don't idolise him). All his friends tell me how he was made to be a dad how he's always been so lovely with everyone else's children. Some people say he's quite wet even (you know - just agrees with everyone) - and I have always been made out to be sort of wearing the trousers in the relationship so to speak...he'd tell people that 'i don't make decisions, whatever Nappies wants'. He will be the life and soul of hte party then come home and be miserable with me...

Has he ever loved me at all or what is this relationship to him?

Also, don't want to pile crap on top of crap, but do you think a man who threatens his wife with taking their DD away and who won't support her recovery from an eating disorder genuinely loves her? He's a manipulator, who has either lost sight of what his family (you and DD) mean to him, or has never really understood it to begin with.

x-posted, but I'm sort of thinking I was psychic there....make of it what you will....:)

LLL thanks so much - off to feed DD now, but you are right. He will manipulate for a few hours - probably cry a lot, tell me I'm separating him and DD and how will I tell her that when I'm older. He says I'm going to have to explain that mummy and daddy aren't together because mummy didn't want Grandma to babysit, We've been here before as you can see!

It's lovely to know that there are people are behind me onloine and I have a good support network in RL too. I just wish I knew where I stood custody wise and looking like solicitor will be next week now so will have a weekend of waiting!

Sorry I just remembered too that he doesn't want DD around my MUm too much as she must have caused my ED, and if my Mum's allowed to influence her then she'll have one too.

Jesus, he's a twat isn't he.

Definitely go to counselling; for all the reasons stated but also if you get to a custody fight and he uses your instability as reason then you have a professional who will have been seeing you for a while who can back up that you aren't...
And all the other reasons of course.
Good luck, and don't spend the weekend worrying, or waiting for calls/texts etc. got to your family, or better still do you have a friend who lives a drive away who could have you for the weekend?

In a word, yes :). Twat is a mild word compared to what you could use, but essentially, you're right!

It's probably not going to be much comfort, but he'll never be able to use his batshit crazy ramblings opinions about your mum in a court setting. The sting in that is hearing it in the first instance rather than it being a genuine problem for you. People suffer with ED's for all sorts of reasons, as you well know, but he has no right whatsoever to abuse you over it to get another dig in at your mum or your parenting skills. His reference to that seems all too convienient if you ask me....he gets to attack you and your mum and unsettle you with one statement. What a cock.

You are so in the right with all this. I think you're going to feel even more right about it once you've seen the solicitor and spoken in depth with the CAB. I've got friends who have used them for child custody reasons before. Quite often, they have a solicitor who visits their office, who will give you the half hour there, rather than having to wait for an appointment at a seperate office. This might be quicker for you, so may be worth asking about.

Good luck with all this, I will be thinking of you and your DD :).

Call back from CAB. It will have to be plan B as it was a solicitor who called me - the man who runs the local firm and he is a firm friend of DH and has known him since he was 14. Bugger. What do I do, speak to him anyway? I just said I couldn't talk right now, DD etc. Although he will have been told the reason for my call anyway as I had to detail to the lovely lady who helped me at the CAB. I know it would be confidential I just won't feel as comfortable.

I believe that if you speak to this guy for your free half hour, not only does he have to keep it confidential, but your H will not be able to use him to represent him in the future as it will be conflict of interest. Since he already knows it might be worth sketching the situation out to him and then backing off.

However, I don't think it would be a good idea to use him after that 1/2 hour, you will never guarantee that his heart is in it and I know I wouldn't be able to 100% trust him. You need to have faith that your lawyer fight to the death for you and a firm friend of your manipulative H won't do that.

No definitely not. He's in his early 60s - I'd imagine totally professional. I will have a brief chat with him about perhaps rights if we did split up - not go into detail about the rest of it? Then call CAB again or call around the solicitors myself? Sorry for the questions I'm just not sure what to do.

Exploritary chat wth him is fine, you can cut off after 10 minutes of the basics saying you think it's too uncomfortable. Tell him your H has left (which as far as you are aware he has right now), he's done it before but you think he's serious this time and go from there.

I would then do both, have a good look for lawyers yourself (I don't know if yu can ask for recommendations in the legal section here?) AND ask the CAB to find you another one at the same time. These are all free chats you're having so nothing to lose by shopping around.

OK. DD thanks Lucky and Frosty - I will call him back as arranged when I return with DD. Off out now. I will just ask him about the house, the rental agreement and custody and speak about nothing else regards MIL or DH's unreasonable behaviour if that's right?