Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

Can you ask CAB for a list of solicitors who will provide legal aid? When my parents got divorced, they gave my mum a list and I basically did a ring round for her to get the earliest appointment possible. I'm guessing the support varies from area to area though, so I'm not sure what would be available where you are.

You could still speak to the friend, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that in your position either.

Bit of an intrusive question (sorry :)) but do you have the funds to be able to pay for a one-off session with a solicitor? It's probably quicker all round if you could.

That´s shit, OP.

Yes, it should be confidential-could you trust him not to hint at all to your husband?

I´d be tempted to go to another solicitor if possible.

Most give an hrs free consultation don´t they?

Your husband is manipulative, isn´t he-the homing in on you when you were vulnerable.

Holy shit! Sorry, just caught up with this morning. I can't believe how sorted you sound, well done! I don't think I could 100% trust the solicitor who has known your H for most of his life, either.

The more I hear about your H, the more I am reminded of my estranged BIL. Honestly, I am so glad you are taking control of the situation. It sounds like your H, like my BIL, is quite capable of making himself look like a freak to a court anyway. He can't take your child away because you have had an ED and, in fact, I would have thought that you overcoming this would be a point in your favour. If he keeps banging on about you being mentally unstable, he's the one who is going to come across as vindictive and unfit, especially if he brings his mum to court to hold his hand.

You should be so proud of yourself: you are doing all the right things. Your DD will thank you for it in the future, and I would be willing to bet that visiting her dad will be a duty to her, especially if he is rude about you to her. My SIL has only ever been civil about her ex in front of their child, saying to him that Daddy and Mummy don't get on any more but that it's not DN's fault and that they both love him very much. BIL has spent years pouring bitterness into DN's ear. Guess which parent DN actually wants to spend time with?

If your H and MIL try to fill her head with nonsense about you, she will be uncomfortable with this and resent them for it. You are her mum, and they can never, ever take that away from either of you.

Hope your are ok OP; glad you are keeping a journal it really will help you, and you never know, you might be able to use it to show a solicitor. I think he'll fight dirty, and I think his mum will encourage him too. But like I said earlier, just let it all roll off you, because you've done nothing at all wrong, and have nothing to blame yourself for. Yes, he might try to twist your words against your daughter in the future, but remember that she will have had an excellent upbringing by her wonderful mum, and she will weigh things up for herself. Please don't worry about things like this now, just concentrate on the day to day stuff, and enjoying your daughter. Go easy on yourself.

Well, they both sound awful.

My MIL never babysat as tbh husband & I didn´t think her capable.

She also makes things about her.
Our first was 3 months early-my parents came as soon as they heard.

ILs came next day.
MIL had to get herself used to having an ill grandchild.
(He wasn´t ill-just tiny)

She arrived & was scared to looked-asked if he was deformed.

She had phoned a couple of people-although she wasn´t sure if it was "worth it"-& they had said how sorry they felt for her.

She´d had to force herself to visit as she didn´t really want to until she knew he would live.

She would also do things like try to foist a cup of hot tea on me whilst I was bfeeding, or step over him carrying a tray of hot drinks.

Try to make him eat all of his meal "for Gran"

But never tried to take him away or exclude me.

Never thought I´d find myself thinking she isn´t too bad afterall!

Even if he does try and paint you as unstable BTW it might backfire on him. If you were so unstable, why does he work away in the week? Why has he let you be primary carer? Why has he buggered off and left your DD with you without phoning to check she's ok?

Not easy questions for him to answer I suspect.

I think you're doing the right thing talking to this solicitor, but I'm not a lawyer so don't know all the ins and outs. Don't give him anything that your DH doesn't know you'll use so you could tell him what the final straw was (the party) but don't mention all of DH's unreasonable behaviour.

And don't show your hand with custody. Ask him what's normal, and if he says 50/50, don't challenge it! Just say ok and move on to the next thing.

I do think she's too little for 50/50 so he might well not, it depends if he's on your H's side (mentally) or not.

I agree if possible a "done deal" chat with the solicitor-and get on record that he went off with no contact-2 days & nights (?) without even asking about daughter.

But I think in the long run a different solicitor might be better.

It can be an emotional, drawn out process & you need to feel that you can tell them anything at all & it will not leave the room.

And once again-you have done nothing wrong-there is no law that MILs ever have to look after their gcs alone.

I wouldn't go into any detail atall with this solicitor. Just find out the basics ref where you stand with the house, etc. He doesn't need to know the why's and wherefore's.

And just try to remember that you are the sane one in this and they are the nutters. I can't imagine any lawyer or court in the land would consider a past eating disorder as grounds in a custody case and the fact that your DH thinks it is relevent says more about his mental health then it does yours!

I wonder if DH is going to work if he is in "so much turmoil".

diddl - I think your mother and mine were seperated at birth. My mother told my son (he was about 5 at the time) that if he didn't eat his sprouts (she forced them on his plate after both he and I had told her he didn't like them)"Grandma won't love you anymore". That was 8 years ago. It still bloody rankles.

We recently visited after not seeing them for years.

MIL said something that made my son smile-"Ooh look-Gran can still make him smile, yes she can"

He´s a teenager FFS!!

@ Saffysmum:

Saffysmum-that is awful.

MIL is always going on about how she misses the children-not enough to actually visit, though!

I have read through this entire thread, and I am pleased to see you are so strong, you are definitely doing the right thing in moving on from this man and his insane family.

Do speak to this lawyer, as the other says, it will prevent him from acting on your husbands behalf in this case later. (This is also a very good reason to speak to as many of the good lawyers in your area as you can. Then pick the one you think will best represent you)

I also agree you should get councelling on your own.

If OP starts getting counselling, could husband use this against her?

I don't think so, diddl. In fact, I would ha e thought it would be evidence of a responsible and mature response to the situation she finds herself in. If I was the OP I would frame it as taking care of my own mental health for the benefit of my daughter, as opposed to running away and hiding in a hotel and refusing to make contact, for example! But I have no practical expertise: anyone here a SW or solicitor?

I have just read all of this wide eyed. Can't believe how much emotional manipulation and frankly abuse you have had to put up with at the hands of your DH and in laws.

I really feel for you. Although it does sound like you and your DH have yet to have an incredibly frank discussion about what you want and where this is going to leave you both longer term (MIL aside). Even if you have decided in your head that it is not worth the mental torture, would it be possible to try couples and then ultimately family counselling first? Although his mother sounds like a fkd up cow, I assume she doesn't want her son or GD to end up as part of a broken home? There probably isn't much in your heart that thinks it's worth saving right now, but at least with the benefit of counselling you'll definitely know what's what for both of you.

His talk about fighting you tooth and nail is just insecurity and fear. And probably down to his mum winding him up about you trying to take your DD away. She is toxic, he is fucked up by her and you are fast becoming the same unless you try and make him see sense. Although he is acting like a child by staying away from home, the control his mum has over him is so strong that I suspect he is more scared about her than you right now. Not healthy or right, but maybe you can make him see that in the right environment.

Initiating divorce proceedings is not going to 100% extricate him or his mum from your lives, probably make it more complicated. Obviously it's the right thing to do if you can't make your relationship work, but it must be worth a go for the sake of your daughter? I also feel sorry for him because he cannot be happy the way things are - his mother has alot to answer for.

"Although his mother sounds like a fkd up cow, I assume she doesn't want her son or GD to end up as part of a broken home?"

I don't think the MIL would see that as a broken home though, she sees the family unit as being her, her son and her GD and the OP is just an unwanted encumberance!

Everything you write about your DH makes me think that the further you can get from him the better you will be.

Fanny.......I'm liking the idea of talking to all good lawyers!

I just tried to get the solicitor but he's left the office - Damn shame. I half wonder if he will try and pass me on to someone else now - although I have an unusual first name so if he'd thought about the conflict of interest (given he had an outline of what advice I needed)I'd have thought he wouldn't have called me in the first place...

I really think that I am going to have to leave solicitor calling to Monday now... Fanny and PP -yes speaking to all the ones with a good reputation is a good idea!

Honeymoo - I understand what you mean about broken homes etc they were the reasons I have stayed with H I suppose. But that said, I'm not really breaking a family up, because essentially we aren't one. He may be biologically her father, and I have a ring on my finger, but essentially that makes neither a good husband or father? I would (and this is miles off) consider reconciliation if he had counselling alone first - it has to be him who comes to the conclusion that he has got to change and get help for that. Then he has to deal with his mother. Then he has to show me what DD and I mean to him. I think that he'll stop at the point he has to admit he does anything wrong though, and therefore it won't go any further.

If/when he contacts me, I suppose we will have to sit down and have a frank discussion. I@m not looking forward to it. I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of what's been said on this thread.

Thanks so much for the info on what to speak to the solicitor about. His secretary said he will call me back on monday morning - so I will have my list of solicitors/lawyers by then.

I have been to see the GP a few times in last few months, and spoken to her briefly about DH and his family, I have also spoken to my Health Visitor, so presumably there will be a record of this, and so this could help my case I suppose. I really think I just need counselling to work through my thoughts and feelings about DH (and why I choose unsuitable partners) I know that I'm a fully capable and good Mum.

Lucky - I think you're right, this is exactly what MIL wants. Divide and rule. She can't have it her way so she wants me out the door!

Still no word from DH. I really don't know when he will slink back here or to his parents. I don't know how I'm going to approach him/it.

lucky1979 - you have hit the nail on the head with that MIL comment ("she sees the family unit as being her, her son and her GD"). That basically sums up the family dynamic. Poor OP is nothing but an inconvienience to MIL. Quite clearly, that's the best it's ever going to be there.

Oh and Saffysmum and Diddl - Your MILs sound hideous too.

Well I was thinking that next to yours OP, she´s not that bad-that said though, husband recently had help for depression, mainly stemming from his childhood & the way he was brought up!

Luckily, a lot of it is water under the bridge now.

They have missed the children growing up & have no relationship with them.

We visited recently, MIL rushed out, arms wide to cuddle the children-they shook hands with her & asked how she was.

Should I have been inwardly laughing?