Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

Good luck, thinking of you.

MIL is pure poison. She has had years grooming her son into a mini version of her although much of her control over him has been achieved by bullying and belittling him. She is a ballbreaker. The pair of them really are beyond help - your FIL has enabled her to become the witch she is - the whole horrible family is toxic. If your husband grew a pair, and had a lightbulb moment, he might, just might be able to see what a horrible situation he is festering in and just what he has to lose. But I think it's too late. For them, that is. You and your lovely daughter have your lives ahead of you - much better healthier lives. You, my love, cannot fix this - it isn't your problem to fix - it's theirs, and they are so intoxicated by their own poison, that they will never, ever see that they are wrong. Get him out - get you and your daughter safe, and be proud of yourself. It's scary, but you have the guts to walk away from this, so that is what you must do.

Pleasse let us know what happens tonight - I hope you're both okay.

Hi - I'm back. Really nice relatively worry free evening with my Mum and brothers. Very little to report on. I have not heard from DH. I had a call from FIL to ask where DH/DD were as they hadn't turned up. DH had a huge argument with MIL last night FIL said she was still crying this evening. He won't answer her calls either. Is this a chink of light that maybe he has seen what she's like? That he's refused to take DD over tonight and can't deal with coming home? He is v strange on the rare occasion he has seen MIL do something unquestionably wrong, he almost gets upset and totally embarrassed and maybe he's ashamed?

I don't know. All I know is DD is safe asleep upstairs and tonight turned out to be not at all stressful. I can get on with sorting out my custodial and financial rights tomorrow and await to hear if my utterly irresponsible H is ok.

Thank you for your lovely thoughts. They must have worked!

Wow, now thats a scenario I had not imagined.

Glad you had a nice time with no drama.

TheLastOfTheNappies - so glad you've come online tonight. Well that's a turn up for the books isn't it?! Your DH having a spat with mummy dearest! I think you have reason to be hopeful here, maybe wait until your wayward OH shows up to know for sure though .

I'm so so glad that you had a relaxing evening. You very much did the right thing in choosing how you and DD spent the night. Best of luck with tomorrow, regardless of what happens with your DH over the next couple of days, you absolutely need that information.

Will be thinking of you.

Big hug (and little hug for your DD too!) .

sorry, wayward DH lol, was so happy for you having a nice night, didn't read what I was typing lol

Oh, well done! Glad you had such a chilled evening. The.phrase "DD is safe asleep upstairs" is so heartwarming.

I think you are right to keep planning an exit strategy, but how great to be able to do so calmly. Not impressed with your DH's disappearing act: this is evidently a massive drama for both him and his mother and I'm.glad you're not in the middle of it. I hope he grows up and comes home to talk sensibly about what your next step is.

Scuse random full stops, not good at texting...

Glad to hear you've had a relaxed evening Will be interesting for you when you get to hear about last night! Hopefully something's clicked with your oh, your added pressure of an ultimatum could be just what he needs to finally realise he's let it all go too far. You never know he may, just may come good for you. I really hope so.

Thanks all - even if he doesn't come right - well that's up to him now. This thread has been a massive wake up call- that in no circumstances should I have to accept behaviour like this - it isn't right and it isn't normal and ultimately it is an unhealthy situation for DD which is the most important thing. This thread has also given me the clarity to know my rights/plan an exit if that's what's needed with a clear head adn you've all given me the direction I need.

I'm not impressed with DH either. I am so glad I wasn't involved in their argument though. I think the realisation has to come for himself, not from me.

Even with MIL out of the picture entirely, we still have issues. So there may be a glimmer of hope but there is a long long way to go. I cannot live with the forced competition over DD - it's not how I imagined being a parent to be. I know now that I can deal with this situation whichever way it goes. I'll come back on here for advice!

Thanks again.

I'm glad tonight has been okay for you and I hope you're DH is okay - maybe he's beginning to see the light and there may be a way through this for you both (though his views on his relationship with his daughter would still need to be addressed).

Hey there, I have been reading this thread with ever-increasing frustration on behalf of you and your predicament.

I am glad that you've had a relatively stress-free evening tonight. But regardless of that I think over the past few days you have gained the much needed clarity you wanted and needed about your unfortunate situation and how very wrong it is. You need to act accordingly. It is just postponed for tonight. The "face-off" still needs to happen.

I can see how you might be optimistic about the fact that your DH and MIL had a massive row. But i'd still be furious that your DH has still not contacted you or indeed stayed away from home for another night! Presumably, seeing as you hadn't heard otherwise from DH, the party tonight was still meant to happen? How come FIL thought it was still on even though he knew they had argued last night?

One way or another you need to use this instance as a means to changing things, however that may be. You can't carry on like you have. Hopefully DH realises this now too....

My thoughts are with you.

You sound very strong and in control...you should feel very proud of the way you're dealing with all of this

Although they had a row, do you think that he's gone to ground and always intended missing the party, or he's gone to ground because you put your foot down about taking DD without you and he doesn't dare go back there without her and deal with his mother? Did FIL give any hint as to what the row was about?

Unmumsnetty hugs anyway, you're handling this whole thing so well!

Wow the last of the nappies - you are handling this wonderfully. Good on you. Stay strong for you and your dd.

My sympathies. I had an awful MIL (sounds just like yours) was one of the reasons I had to leave my ex. So pleased she is not im my life anymore - the reality is no one will EVER be good enought for their son, she was bitter and jealous. Suggested things such as ' you should be employing young attactive girls' to my ex whilst at dinner at our home, in front of me. Nice.

LOTN Have read through this - and am very glad that you have had a lovely evening. Well done on sticking to your guns.

All sounding quite weird tbh.

If he had put his foot down with his mum, perhaps odd that he didn´t phone OP?

He might also blame OP for his falling out with his Mum.

Stick to your guns....don't let this crap continue.

Morning. Still no word from DH to me, however FIL text me around midnight to tell me he'd had a text from DH saying staying in a hotel near work and needed some space. I'm probably angrier now than I was yesterday. I'm his wife, why can't he contact me?! He's a 32 year old man with a family, he can't just run off and hide. I think now any worry is gone it's just left me

FIL intimated that it had been something to do with DD's name they had been arguing about - didn't mention anything about me going or not to the party, but then he wouldn't would he. In fact at the beginning of the phone conversation he asked me if anything had happened between DH and I for him to go AWOL and didn't mention the argument with MIL until the end of the conversation. (He also happened to mention that the stress of the whole situation wasn't helping her various health issues inc a stomach ulcer I didn't know existed!)

I know that putting the most positive spin on his argument with his mother was hoping for the best. If he'd have been sticking up for me he should have come home and taken us to that party anyway - showing his mother that he wasn't going to take me being excluded from my own child's party - but he hasn't. Instead he's run off and MIL knows that she holds that sort of power after an argument - so even though they've argued, he's letting it effect our relationship and she knows it. It's still having a control over us of sorts. AT the moment he is still showing zero respect for me - he can't even be bothered to let me know where he is.

The projecting about his daughter and the competition...does anyone know if counselling would be able to help that?

I know I was calm yesterday because I had control - as was suggested I left the house and I could decide what happened.

What can I do today to do that? Because I haven't been told by DH where he is or what he intends to do I feel like I'm hanging in limbo waiting for a phone call or a text and it just puts me on edge. I will be speaking to my local CAB when DD goes down for a nap later. What else can I do to take the focus off waiting for the overgrown child to make his next move?