Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

Because 'she's his mum!?' He really needs to get over this. He's 32 year's old, he doesn't need his mother now! Her job was to prepare him for life, NOT to mummy him forever. He needs to let go of her. He has a WIFE now, you should be his No 1! Your children will grow up one day too, and you will both have to let them go their own way's in life. You and oh are together forever so must put each other 1st.

It has to be your rules in regards to mil. What you say goes and don't back down. When dh and I sorted things out about my mil, I said I could only 'handle' 2 visits a months at OUR house with all of us there for about an hr. She wasn't happy, but what could she do as dh was standing by me?! It worked, now she knows she can't get away with it. Our relationhip (mine and mil) is much better (if fake). I now (about a year later) even see her a couple of times a wk most wks now . But I will reduce that if she reverts back!

Your oh needs to see that this is all very unhealthy. You will both need counselling etc. Yes, you need him to make suggestions so you can try and see where his priorities lie. And as for dd's 1st birthday party etc, you both have a marriage that's falling apart, surely this comes 1st - your dd won't remember this time (thank goodness!!)

Supermousepink - that's exactly how I am with my mil - super sweet, and its absolutely works!

Morning! Glad you got some sleep :)

Sounds like your H is still being manipulative then. Back at 2AM?!? What was he doing, having a big party night out first? Or maybe he thought if he crawled in at 2AM then you would be too tired for a big confrontation so you would just let him get into bed (or at least into the house) without a row, and then he'd be back in place without conditions?

Don't mention legal advice. At all. Even if you get into a stonking great row and he says that he will get custody of your DD, react exactly as you normally do. If he thinks you've got the upper hand he'll try and find ways around it. You need to save that bit of knowledge for court when he won't see it coming.

I'd "lose" his house keys as well. Just for a few days, put them in a safe place and forget where. I think he's still thinking he can slink back in and keep you sweet then the status quo will be resumed, it's a good bit of control for you to hold on to and means that you are in charge of his access to the house and DD. And let him and DD do something upstairs and you stay downstairs,his fmily have form for just walking out with her so be alert for that.

You need to work out things like where you want him to stay tonight. You'd be totally within your rights to say that you would prefer him to stay in a hotel for a few days while you talk and work things out (or not, but don't mention that to him!). It's also totally up to you though, and what works for you. Just keep remembering that YOU are in control. You don't have to make any decisions and you're totally in your rights to listen to everything he has to say and then tell him you need some time to process it. Then you can get some time to really analyse what he's saying and hopefully he won't be able to convince you that if his family of loons is normal. And if he even suggests going roung to the loony-bin then you are totally justified in throwing him out the window!

Good luck, we're here if you need us!

I would agree with SAF

You need to take all control away.

And if he says he wants to see his daughter-well, he can go to your parents, or they can bring her if you are nearby in a "neutral" place.

But really, he has been AWOL-when j´he could have been at home with his daughter.

I can understand why you might want a last try also.

But try to remember it´s not just ILs treatment of you that has led to this.

He has been complicit in it.

I'd agree with getting away.

This is about you, what you want. Don't do anything with a view to getting him to change or take any action that you want him to, because you're on a hiding to nothing.

Decide what you want and do it. Move out, change the locks, go away for a few days' whatever. He may or may not decide to shift everything in order to make it work but so long as you are doing what is right for you, what he does isn't really that relevant.

And if you don't want to see him now, don't.

You don't need him to do anything, because you don't need him at all. The only person you need in any way shape or form is you. So get clear about what you want and stick to it.

spiritmum x

Morning Nappies :).

I don't have a whole lot to add to what others have said because they've already said it so well (:)), you definitely have some things to think about today, so I hope you're not feeling too overloaded. You know by now that you can come back here and offload emotionally, which hopefully is a support to you.

My only practical contribution would be to say that I genuinely think all visits with PILs need to be suspended. For the time being, that includes them coming to your house or seeing your DD on neutral ground as well. It's apparent by now that your MIL in particular sees DD as her property, and if contact is maintained as usual, MIL will see herself as involved in 'current negotiations' where she actually has no part in them whatsoever. This is not to suggest that MIL will not ever see your DD again, but after deciding what course of action you are taking with your DH, MIL needs to be dealt with as well. For the sake of your marriage, she needs to be kept away, at least for the time being. Your DH's reaction to you saying this (if/when it comes up) will also tell you a lot. Of course, you don't have to do this, you might have your own course of action in mind re GP visits/contact.

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck, we are all thinking of you and DD. x

Very very quick post (I have been in reading yours as the morning went on and taking all info on board just didn't have time to post)

H didn't turn up he called me, he was close by and expected to come in I think.I told him that he could see DD later if he wanted but that if he wanted to talk to me or have any future then he could come over in an hour (from then, so any min now) and I would send DD to my Mums. He did mention seeing his parents together as his FIL had suggested! He'd had a text from him blah blah - I just said no - entirely ridiculous suggestion.

I have actually had a long conversation with FIL this morning. I know that MIL wasn't around as he said he was out and about. He called me adn said that he didn't want H and I splitting up, certainly not over MIL, if there was anything he could do to help etc. He himself said that when he married MIL he knew that even though his Mum would have her opinions etc, that his loyaltlywould be to her and doubly so when they then had children together. He also said he knows what MIL is like, he just likes a quiet life, but he can see my point of view etc. Not sure whether he was currying favour...but he's a genuinely nice father with DH, and think he does have our interests at heart. He did mention meeting up again, and again I said no.

So phew, house is tidy, I'm tidy, I will keep the keys from DH and I have a list (I will keep solicitor etc quiet.). I know I'm armed with lots of luck from all of you too so I'm feeling good. I will post again when he has gone.

That's good to hear, that FIL likes you and wants you to stay as his DIL. 2v1 is slightly less intimidating than 3v1! But (I'm sure you're sensible enough to realise) don't trust him with any information you wouldn't like H or MIL to know, as he really doesn't sound strong enough to keep it from them.

TBH, if FIL sees it like that he should tell his son to fücking well grow up!

Well if he actually said he doesn´t want you to split up over MIL perhaps something is sinking in about her behaviour.

That said, if you do split-I wouldn´t give MIL the satisfaction of thinking that it is about her-it isn´t.

Also, I thought that FIL had treated you just about as badly as MIL?

Perhaps they´re running scared now!

Because it will perhaps happen that your husband will blame them-and then where will they stand with regards to your daughter?

I think that they are only thinking of it all in regards to themselves.

They could have done plenty by now to welcome you-including telling your husband that of course you were included in the party that they wanted to do for your daughter.

If he wants a quiet live he should be putting his wife first-as his father does.

But obviously OP is less "trouble" & doesn´t fuss so much so it´s easier to upset her.

That really is sh!t, isn´t it?

Personally, I don't think you should see hubby today, because a) I think it's too soon and b) you are falling in with him and what he wants, and I think you need space. But that's just my opinion, and it makes no difference. Of course FIL is a nice man, they are, my father is - I adore him, but he is also the person who has enabled my mother to be the way she is. He wants to please everyone, but if the chips are down - he will back his wife up to the hilt; because as he says (and they all say this like a bloody mantra) "I just want a quiet life". Of course hubby mentioned going around there - he doesn't get it yet that you are serious, and to be honest, unless you put some space between you too, I don't think he will. He is still under his mum's control. He needs to grow up and in order to do that, he needs to realise that the games are over. Make him leave and let him fight like hell to get back - not to punish him, but to make him realise once and for all that he has to change before he allows his upbringing and his mother to destroy you all.
Also, I wouldn't bother trying to negotiate about how you see often and under what terms yyou see MIL - she will not be told - she will not comply with anything - she will do what she wants, when she wants. YOU CAN'T RATIONALISE WITH AN IRRATIONAL PERSON. Sorry to shout, but you really are wasting your time if you think you can come to a nice arrangement with this woman. Good luck.

There's a really good book I once read, called "Boundaries and Relationships" by Charles Whitfield. One of the things I particularly remember is a list of the characteristics of narcissism and how they appear in both their healthy and unhealthy forms.

The final sentence in this section has stuck in my mind. "It is impossible to have a relationship with someone like this."

It's worth reading, just that one sentence saved me from a lot of guilt.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

Good luck nappies

Your FIL sounds nice, but he has allowed himself to be bossed around by this woman his whole married life - not the best person to take advice from IMO. Also, pretty pathetic he had to phone you whilst your MIL wasnt within earshot!

Other posters have it spot on...your dd is going to get much more hard work and much more aware soon...you need to have your dh on your side or out the door.

Good luck nappies

Yes-FIL sounds OK-but, I also had this.

MIL treating me not so good.

My husband pulled her up on it & we had FIL saying how dare you speak to your Mum like that??!!

Then I was pregnant I FIL was all well you know diddl, it´s really important that you I MIL get on.

Funny, said I, she didn´t seem that bothered before I was carrying your first grandchild

But we all know where we stand!

DH is upstairs with DD so may not be able to continue the post if he comes down with her. He will be going at 6pm after he's spent some time with her. I would have preferred him to to stay for the afternoon but I seem to be having trouble getting rid of him. He will NOT be staying here tonight.

Firstly - FIL - yes I know he is MIL's enabler. And as you say he picked the easiest target to talk to which was me. It's not even me he should be telling those things but to MIL and DH!

He's contrite. Very. For now. He said he couldn't face talking to either MIL or I for a few days as he felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. He said that he didn't think it was acceptable that his Mum didn't want me at the party,but didn't want to take me knowing the atmosphere it would cause. I don't think he really gave a good excuse for going AWOL.

He now says that he finds it v hard with his Mum. She does tell him that she will disown DD and will have to tell people that she doesn't have any grandchildren if he doesn't dox,y or z. He says that he comes home and takes everything out on me because in his mind I'm the easier more maleable of the two.

I reminded him that MIL can choose to see or not see DD but that would be neither mine nor his fault if she decided to disown her.
That he can't spend his life tiptoeing around her.

I can't really think straight to type the whole discussion out at the moment.He's pretty much said all the right things, but they're only words.

I will try and come on again later when I have my thoughts straight. I didn't mention any legal issues, but said that divorce was on the cards for me at the moment - maybe I shouldn't have said that?

Back later.