Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

I think considering what she did with your PFB and their early arrival into the world, I'd have struggld not to outwardly laugh!

It's nice to know that you and DH have managed her together - I suppose he has always had a realisation of what she's like though which is what's needed.

Well I guess he was just used to the way things were-it wasn´t until I said no, mums aren´t like that that he thought anything of it.

She was never told things that might "upset" her.

He was always under pressure as an only one to do well.

She leaned on him a lot emotionally.

He has been told he is a disappointment & that coupled with them never visiting has hurt him.

As I said we visited recently & tbh, we saw a lonely old couple who have few friends & still live their life through their disappointing son.

diddl- that's so sad for your DH. I'm glad that he's had the help that he needs and the support from you but it still must hurt to have parents/a mother like that.

Yes, I can´t understand them tbh.

They seem to want something badly-until they get it!

They wanted husband to do better than them-he has.

Then they say he gets paid for doing nothing all day!
Because he´s in an office!

They always wanted him to marry & have children-he has, but we didn´t live in the same town as them.
(We were only an hr away until we moved abroad)

So because it hasn´t been exactly as they wanted, it´s not good enough iyswim.

Yes I H's mother's like that - even if she gets what she wants it's never quite up to scratch. She's not getting to do the grandma thing exactly as she wanted to and I think this is what all the fuss is about.

I'm not sure how parents like your inlaws can end up feeling that way towards their children.Bitter, or jealous...It's unfathomable.

Think my PILs are the other way around - the thing the sun shines out of DH and talk him up all the time. He can do no wrong. Ever.Fact!

It´s as if they´ve always wanted him to be happy, but now that he is-& they don´t figure in it, they can´t accept it.

SAF - thanks - DD is fine thanks. She's in bed asleep - pretty early for her but we had a long day and lots of fresh air this afternoon!

FIL Sent me a text asking if I've heard from H. Also said that he's had no reply but he's asked H is we all want to meet at their house tomorrow at 2pm. I'm not sure exactly what they think's going on. Maybe they want to sit down and talk things through. I'm not sure what to make of it really. I dont' know whether MIL's asking FIL to sort things over - i.e. she thinks she may have pushed H too far so is going to try and plaster over things for a few days? Not sure what to say to him really. I haven't contacted H at all today, but am slightly worried about him again now, probably what he wants.

Yes I agree that you sound totally clear and sorted about everything. A complete change to how you were when you started this thread. Just think, if this is how you are after only 2 days away from DH, then think how you will be in a month.

You are clearly intelligent and insightful, and I think considering the battering you have had from DH and MIL over the last few years you have come out of this remarkably sensible and sane. Your DD is very lucky to have such a strong and caring mother as you. Hats off to you LotN. You haven't crumbled but shown your true strength of character! That is really something to be proud of.

I think you should just reply to FIL saying you haven't heard from DH so you can't commit to tomorrow.

Don't worry about DH. I know it's hard not to imagine all kinds of things when you are incommunicado for so long but all he's doing is trying to mess with your head. Don't let him. Stay angry with him. Focus on the fact that he apparently thinks it's okay to not contact his wife and DD for two days. Don't let him creep back in and make you start doubting yourself again. You're being so so strong and you are totally doing the right thing and thinking the right thing.

Rollergirl - you're right - thanks for your kind words. I do feel so much better in general. I always enjoy myself more when DH is working away as well. My head feels clearer. When he's here and when we argue, I always doubt myself, and question my thoughts and feelings.

I think I'm lucky that it's only really been a year (since I've had DD) of the full on crap from them. So probably a saving grace that I started this thread when I did.

I know I am going to weaken at times. I feel it already seeping in at the edges.I've got to do it for DD. The environment is so unhealthy for her and me - I can't be the best Mum I can be while under that pressure.

Whenever you weaken come and post on Mumsnet first, everyone will support you! :) You're happier when he's working away pretty much sums up your true feelings on him.

Even these reconcilliation attempts show the perceived balance of power, H is hiding under the bed in a hotel somewhere and your PIL think that any reconcilliation between you and your H should be held at their house and involve them!

He's trying to make you so worried that he's done something stupid you'll beg him to come back, beg him for a chance to make it right and his conditions will be that he gets to do exactly what he (and MIL) pleases with DD. Exactly what his mum does when she wants her own way. He doesn't have a phantom illness that comes and goes as well does he? :)

Haha lucky, no he hasn't quite got to that stage yet - his head just 'hurts' and the conversation has to end then and there!

I do think that if I hadn't come on here over the last two days, then I would have been telling him that I could make things right by now.Probably spoken to his mother and basically accepted what she had to say and asked DH to come home! Why, oh why I'd have done that I don't know. And quite what's changed that I feel so strong now I don't know either. I will be back when DH comes back - because it's not if, it is when. He will want to see DD for a start. Grrr. He is a carbon copy of his mother. It's absolutely not attractive!

I'm really pleased you're feeling strong LOTN.

It sounds like PIL are wanting to be involved with whatever is going on with your relationship atm - perhaps MIL is panicking that if something is going on with you and DH then that might restrict her access to your DD even more - at least if you and DH are on speaking terms then he'll be able to take DD round to hers, but if you're not then he won't, IYSWIM? So the request to go round and talk things through is for her benefit, not for yours/DHs.

You would have done that because he and his mother have made you doubt yourself for so long that you would have had no clear answer anymore and no comparable. But all along your gut feeling has been that the way things were and are with him and his family haven't been right.

That's why places like Mumsnet are so great. Because it's anonymous you have no fear of sounding like a looney and can just let it all out. You have. And the resounding answer has been that they are the loons and that you and your family are the only good thing going for your DD.

It's so easy to make excuses for his behaviour when you are feeling weak. But next time you are in doubt just read over this thread and the things you have written down about what he has done and said to you. And peoples responses to that. People that don't know you and can't give you or him the benefit of the doubt, or let emotions and feelings get in the way. We are just basing opinions on the cold, hard facts. End of.

Avril - I've spoken to my Mum - she and my sister know I'm on my own and what's happening. So does a close friend - although not in great detail - she's just left for holiday today so wouldn't be much help.

Thanks again FP and RG.I@m going to go and have a nice long bath now, and some supper. Just hope to have a peaceful weekend. I hate not knowing if when DH is going to turn up, but I'm going to concentrate on other things.

Have a good night all

What everyone else said, but definitely the bit about you being so strong! And definitely don't go tomorrow, yikes! When you meet up with your H, I'd make it somewhere public, like a cafe, and make it at a time that your mum or a friend can look after your daughter so that you are just there to talk about what happens next, and he can't use her as a pawn or a shield. Your PIL have nothing to do with this meeting: its your marriage, not theirs. They can sort their own issue with their son and you out later and maybe separately. Are you going to tell him you're taking legal advice?

I quite like lists, me, so I'd take an agenda of things I wanted to talk about, to avoid being sidetracked.

It must be awful not knowing anything. When he's going to turn up and what will happen when he does. Just take every hour as it comes. Your DD is safe and sound tucked up in bed with you looking out for her. That's a great place for her to be. And you have the support of your Mum and your sister if anything happens. Enjoy a long soak. Have some wine. And exhaaaale.

X-post, night night.

I´d suggest not meeting at Ils tomorrow-if you´re considering it.

You need to sort yourself out with your husband first-ILs can go hang!

Goodness.
I agree that sorting things out with your inlwas is NOT your issue now, but your husbands. Stay out of it. Your issue is with him, not them, and right now your only issue should be to safeguard your future with your daughter and your OWN family, find good legal advice. Open your own personal bank account, ensure all YOUR earnings go there, and start looking for somewhere else to live.

Tell your fil you will not commit to any meeting with any of them at this point in time.

And if you DO decide to go, dont bring your dd. Let your mum look after her.

Another one here saying don't take DD if you do go tomorrow night, regardless of what MIL or DH might say when you get there.

Don't go at all! But definitely definitely not with DD.