OW got pregnant...

[drmac]

my husband had an affair with a good friend of mine. She got pregnant and had a son.

We are trying to work through this and I am having another baby - due in November.

I'd just like to hear from other people who've maybe been through this.

How are things between you now? Do you think you'll ever completely get over it?

thanks

But didn't you husband want a loving, 2.4 set up? And hasn't he got that, depsite having unprotected sex with a woman who wasn't you? He got his cake and got to eat it, didn't he? Blimey!

It just seems sad - understandable, but wrong, somehow - that the level of bitterness and anger clearly detectable in your posts is directed mainly at the OW. You're never going to like her, of course not. But she didn't get herself pregnant, did she? She is not Pure Evil.

You're insisting it's not affecting the child, but that's nonsense. How can it not with the feelings you have towards her mother?

You might try to hide them but children are very perceptive.

You have dictated to her mother exactly what is going to happen and I cannot say without knowing more what choice she had about it.

But you have totally disenfranchised her.

'She shouldn't have got pregnant with a married man' well, obviously, but then it's a bit late for that. You are punishing her. What is the use.

Better by far for a child to grow up AWAY from the source of the issue, the ramifications and the bitterness with a mother who loves it - totally, no strings - and whoever else might be involved, ie OW's mother, extended family etc, or a new partner even - than to be exposed to this deep seated conflict and its results on a regular basis.

You cannot hide these things from a child - you just can't. You may well be in denial about your true feelings surrrounding this child but it doesn't mean the child can't sense them.

I think you are possibly using the child as a pawn in your particulr game of emotional chess.

I'm sorry - I'm sure that's not the conscious intention. You are probably a very nice, very hurt person but I really don't go along with your set up here.

Maybe it's coming over much worse because we are directly talking about the OW at the moment, but she doesn't consume all of my time sitting at home hating her and planning her demise!

The level of my feelings towards her is "I will never be friends with her". That's it. My Husband has apologised for what he did, attended counselling, sought help for his wrongdoings, done all he could since then to make it up to me and make our marriage work. I think the reason the anger stays with the OW more so than the partner is because you don't see any remorse from them. You don't even get an apology, even though they may be very apologetic and regret what they did. I get angry at her but it doesn't affect how I treat her daughter. Maybe I've become very good at keeping my feelings to myself.

But I think it's quite unfair to say I am thinking solely of my marriage and not the child. I have compromised a lot for our family to have contact with this little girl.

So what are you saying we or I should have done then flightattendant? Either let my husband have this second, separate family to me ... which would in turn have meant that MY children were away from ME for a period of time when they were off with their Dad and half-sister ... or walked away from my marriage?

I appreciate your comments but I think you're wrong. We can agree to disagree aye?

I decided to stay with my husband, he wanted to see his child and I didn't want to be the cause of a child growing up with no father and my husband not knowing his child, so we have contact.

Now I'm damaging the child anyway? Jeez, I was pretty screwed over in all directions aye? Can't do right at all.

No, no, you are probably right and of course there is good and bad in every situation. I'm sue in some ways it will be a good thing for the little girl.

It's just I don't like to see a situation forced - accidents and disasters happen but you usually have the option to try and piece the broken thing back together, or you can turn it into its own separate success story.

It comes across that perhaps too much trying is being done when it would have been OK to let the child grow up away from your family.

But I do sympathise. And I am sorry for sounding so critical.

That was the alternative ... but you have seen from the comments on this thread how that decision is seen in society. A father walking away from his child, even if it may be for the child's sake? (and if you look back at my original post, I actually said the same in not so many words) But they are then the lowest of the low and deserve stoning.

It really is a case of there is no right or wrong.

There isn't a 'right' thing to do in this situation, really, is there? There are definitely wrong ways to go about it (OP, am afraid I would include the way you and your DH are going about things in that description). but there really isn't a step-by-step guide to 'What to do when your husband gets someone else pregnant' (sorry to make light of it, but ykwim..)

I still say I would end my marriage. I don't say that lightly. But no way on God's earth could I stay in a marriage with someone who had sexual intercourse - presumably unprotected - with someone else. It just makes a complete mockery of the whole thing. And I am not generally a judgy person. I am very liberal, see things in shades of grey etc. But this is a level of deceit and just utter piss-taking that I couldn't get past, I'm afraid.

The OP - well, there is a whole other level of denial and just utter fecklessness coming from her DH. I wish her luck with that, I really do.

You have said you bitch about her to your friends so you obviously have a lot of misdirected anger toward her and yes her daughter will pick up on that however much you insist things are great and dandy.

I've just read some of these latest posts to pass the time whilst eating my desk sandwich.
Of course SFC80 bitches about the other woman to her friends! Who wouldn't??
Crikey - you all must be pretty perfect people here on MN.

There are a lot of replies that I need to read through now - thanks for your input.

Firstly though, I'd like to say that my faith should not be an issue. Nor do any of you have the right to judge my level of commitment to God.

It's been very good to hear from some people who are in the same situation. thanks SFC80. I'll look into the message thing. I've not used it before.

SFC80,

Probably there is no right or wrong way.
How would you see it if a mother runs away from her child? But probably you believe a mother is different from a father two. I imagine because according to you, to be virtually abandoned by your father for a year or 18 months is OK with children (does this apply to fathers and mothers or only fathers?)

More I read more amazed I am that this seems to be all about 'the wife'. I read your posts SFC80 and you seem to have decided what needed to be done all by yourself. Your husband was (as drmac) made irresponsible of the solution of this. You decided what he needed to to or not to do... How to relate with OW, how to behave with HIS child, when and how HIS child would be incorporated in your life...

Feels incredible really. You are betrayed and then you do all the 'reparation' work by yourself.

I do not think any child is better off with the knoledge of being abandoned by a a parent. Adoptive parents know how much that scar weighs in their life.

I cannot help agree with camaleon.

The overriding theme that comes out of this thread is that the men in these situations sound like spineless worms.

That is your interpretation of what I wrote. Where did I say I did all the deciding. WE decided what to do on advice of a marriage counsellor in order to protect our marriage and limit the effect on all children involved.

And yes, my step-daughter now has a close relationship with her father. She wont know about the missing 18 months of a relationship with him until she is older.

What about my children? Should their "best interests" have been sacrificed just so that my H could see his child for 18 months when she was a baby and has no recollection? It isn't as black and white as some people may believe. There is no right or wrong, only a "best case scenario". No, it was not ideal that she didn't have contact with her father at the beginning of her life, but she is none the wiser at the moment and has a close relationship with her father now and 2 families who love her.

It would appear the men in these situations cannot do right at all. If they have no contact, they are evil. If they have contact, they are spineless worms. Nice.

SFC80/chochobnob - I don't think you should have to defend yourself. You've done sod-all 'wrong' by the sounds of it.

Camaleon - why shouldn't these 'wronged' women wrest some control from the situation by doing the "reparation" work? All control was taken out of their hands when these Hs went off and had affairs. It makes perfect sense, therefore, that SFC80 and indeed drmac should at least take back some control and yes, indeed, take charge of their relationships a bit.
I don't think it means the men are spineless. It means the women are strong.

By strong women I mean SFC80 and drmac.

We obviously have very different perceptions about relationships, responsibilities towards children shared by parents, differences between children born from wives or OW...

IMO to be a strong woman does not mean to treat your partner as a child who will do as he is told to get his driving license prize. Actually this example is very bad, because you do not even punish the husband, you punsih the OW and the child, just to be sure someone is punished and your relatioship survives. I cannot see how a husband taking responsibility of his child can damage the brothers or sisters. I can see the reverse.

But I believe we have a very different way of looking at things.

Mabel... I actually believe SFC80 and drmac are so scared and hurt that their acts can only be understood taking into account their extreme vulnerability, not their strength. And now I promise to be quiet.

None of the men mentioned on this thread come off very well, I'm afraid. Some come off better than others, of course.

I'm afraid drmac's DH does not sound like a good or strong man to my ears, no. Is that not he right thing to say? I'm sorry. I won't lie, though.

I don't think drmac is behaving like a strong woman. A strong woman does not cover up a man's weakness for him.

I agree Mabel that it is wholly unrealistic to expect the wives in these situations to withhold their righteous anger towards the OW - and it is so true that, as SFC80 says, it is pretty impossible to feel anything less than anger towards someone who has done wrong to you and never apologised or said sorry for the hurt caused. It's pretty much the same way you would feel about a spouse who perhaps walked out on discovery and never said sorry or more pertinently, a stranger who plotted against you and colluded with a friend to hurt you.

But there is a world of difference between SFC80's H and Dr.Mac's H. The former seems to have taken full responsibility, first for the affair and the reparation to his marriage - and secondly for his child. I think as a couple you are making absolutely the best of a horrendous situation and I admire you.

Dr.Mac I hope you are seeing the differences though. The word that we keep coming back to is "responsibility". Here is a tale of one man who took it and a wife (SFC80) who would have accepted nothing less. This is what I want your H to do - and for you to insist on it, if you are to stay with him.

camaleon - you have interpreted my post as you want to. I never said I told my H what to do, WE decided on advice from a marriage counsellor the best way to protect our marriage and thinking of all the children.

So you don't think that forcing me to wave off my H to go and see his newborn daughter with the woman he had an affair with, while I'm at home with our child and heavily pregnant would have had an adverse affect on both OUR children? I was coping with the revelation of an affair and child, let alone with factoring in my H having continued contact with the OW and his new child while I was carrying mine.

No, in the end, what happened was we worked on repairing our marriage, our children stayed in a strong family and then my H and I worked together to involve his child in our family. Seemed to work OK for us so far anyway.

Poor, poor little boy.

If this is a christian take on a how to treat an (unwanted) child, then you should be ashamed.

This child is being talked about like he is something the cat dragged in.

When is he (not your sick husband, not the hateful ow, not you as go between, not your children) going to become important?

Jeez.

Sorry SFC80... I may be misunderstanding you... you are also misunderstanding me. I am not blaming you - I am blaming your husband who did as we was told until he was sure that you will be looking after the other child too.

No way on earth any partner would have kept me away from contacting my own child whatever wrong I had made. I would never allowed my other kids believe i can abandon them depending on the wish of my partner.

But this is me and for sure I am not blaming you. if anything I blame you for doing so much to repair the mess your husband created. And if it is working for you I am really no one to judge this