Absolutely fuming, please help me calm down before I do something.

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Came home today lunchtime, went to speak to ds (16)who was lying in bed (ie get the washing hung out that I asked you to do before I left this morning).
He stayed in his room the rest of the day, I was up in the next room tidying ds (5) room for a while, not a peep from next door, assumed he was on computer or such like.
Roll on past dinner time, shout them both for dinner.
Roll onto ds (16) leaving for football training (im out in front garden) followed by his girlfriend!
I say 'where did you come from' to which she said 'i've been here all day' as they were both leaving.

What would be your conclusion.
Mine is they were up in his room bloody shagging, I did not see her in the room and the way he was lying in bed there could have been someone in it (I obviously wasn't thinking along those lines though).
I'm bloody raging, the total disrespect, younger ds could have walked in, not to mention teenage pregnancy.

I don't think you can say that all teenagers are the same and feel the same way about sex- that would be daft.

For some, losing their virginity and having a full-on sexual relationship will be extremely emotionally intense, and perhaps beyond their emotional maturity to deal with, especially if it all goes wrong. I can't think of anything worse than fucking up your A levels or something because some scrote had just dumped you and you thought he was special and different.

Equally, I'm not sure that a studiously casual attitude to sex is healthy for all teenagers.

Totally agree bitiffun. Alot of 16 yr olds are not mature enough to deal with a sex life and can be emotionally hurt so easily.

my mother was fully assured too

It's very easy to lie to a mother who thinks sex is something teenagers shouldn't do. you just pretend that you have decided it's a bad idea, then you can merrily get on with it.

Nobody needs to be having sex to be having a great teenaged life. i totally agree with you.

having sex does not mean a great teenaged life stops being great though.

I am horrified how many people seem to think that this is acceptable

I think the reason - in the main part - that we find it acceptable, is because is happens. You either accept that, or you don't & in my experience (of friends) not accepting it leads to more problems.

I know several girls who had terminations at school age, some who had babies (one was 14) and some who stayed safe & could ask their parents & trust their parents. I couldn't trust mine, but I learnt through others what not to do & to be careful, my bf also insisted on it.

As I said, several times I have bunked school with them, only for their (older) boyfriends to turn up & then they spent the time in bed.

completelygobsmacked you sound like you have a relationship with your dd that my friend had with her mum...told each other everything, friend never in a position to lie, or do anything she shouldn't. She told her mum EVERYTHING, honestly, I envied them!

That was until said friend asked me to get her the MAP, (her GP was a family friend) because her mum didn't know she was having sex (at 16) then a 3yrs later had an abortion because again, she KNEW she could tell her mum everything...but that just meant that she also knew what NOT to tell her mum. Her mum still doesn't know that she did either.

What I am trying to say, is that just because you think you talk about everything, doesn't mean that she will tell you everything.

Colditz - will you be my mum?

I think this thread has turned into more of a general debate than the OP's initial question, but back to the OP... Yes, he probably was having sex. Yes, it is your house and your prerogative to set the rules as you (and DP) wish. However I also agree that you might find your relationship becomes more strained and less truth is passed between you if you lay down the law too firmly.

The fact that he is your stepson is relevant because he will naturally be feeling slightly uneasy in the house, regardless of how much you love him and how long he has lived there.

I was fostered, which is a very different situation, but similar in the fact that I didn't have unconditional love from all adults in the house. I was always aware that if I did anything that might really upset my foster parents, they could ask me to leave.

The danger in your situation is that you don't come across as being terribly tolerant of DSS, and if he is as insecure as I was about this, he may well have quite a hard time in trusting you, and your relationship with his father. The whole "not under my roof" thing is indicative of the possibility that he may feel an outsider in his own home. Perhaps you should explain to him that this is his house and he is never going to be asked to leave, despite his choices in life, but that a sexual relationship between a couple who haven't been together very long, when you and DS are in the house, makes you very uncomfortable, as you are responsible for his well-being, and that of his gf, when they are in your house.

That said, I personally think that I would rather my children being safe and comfortable in their own home than vulnerable outside. This includes drinking and possibly drugs, but I also understand why others might prefer to brush this kind of thing under the carpet and pretend it doesn't happen.
The undeniable fact is that these things are fun, teenagers will do them, and if they are in a safer environment they are less likely to be at harm.

I'm amazed by the number of parents who don't seem familiar with the expression "My house, my rules."

I'm familiar with the expression UD ..just think its a bloody awful expression ...

Something being allowed in law doesn't automatically mean it should be allowed in the home. As a parent you have the absolute right to make your rules. Too many 16-year-olds seem to expect all the "good" stuff about growing up (sex, drinking, partying and watching horror films) but still to expect to be able to behave like a child when it suits them.

Familiar here too, but I think it means that you think you're children should feel grateful for being around, which is emotionally damaging and arrogant IMO.

oops sorry your

Agree loopyloops - and it's not the same thing at all.

"My house, my rules" is a familiar theory. In practice though, it's my house and everyone's home. I'm not some autocrat who is going to dictate to my adult children how they live their lives. I'm not a landlady; this isn't a boarding house.

At the moment I'm in the mixed-blessing position of having my oldest, adult children both at home. They're 21 and 23 and tbh it's doing my head in, but we mostly get along fine, in part because I treat them as individual adults, and they afford me the same respect; that's certainly been the case since they were 16. You get what you put into it.

I lost my virginity at 14 it was no big deal, i dont regret it, we used a condom and i havent been scared for life by it.

I think that it is very uncommon for a 16 year old in a relationship to not think about having sex, your homone fuled at that point and even snogging can turn into wandering hands then turn into more, it is natural all your doing is teaching your kids that sex is wrong and that is just bizarre.

There is a difference between teaching your children that sex is wrong and teaching them that there is a time and a place for it. Let's not conveniently conflate the two for the sake of knocking down a straw-man argument...

Unquiet - that's bollocks (and I mean that in the nicest possible way ). You don't have the right to make your own rules and demand that they're adhered to - not when your children are young adults. You just don't. And if you try, you'll end up in some hideous self-perpetuating mess whereby of course they will continue to behave like children.

But it's exactly what we do with our children when they are younger. When we say "no, you can't have that chocolate" and so on. All we are quibbling over is the point at which we change our approach.

We're some way from this as dcs are only young but I just can't see dh being cool about this and, I know it's a double standard, but particularly where dd is concerned.

Coming at it from the other perspective, I wouldn't have dreamt of bring back a boy for sex at home, which rather limited my options until I went to uni.

I wonder what people say here

I think some people forget that an awful lot of sixteen-year-olds are still emotionally children, no matter what a convenient law may say. They may talk the talk, dye their hair, have that whole "attitude" thing going on, wear cool T-shirts, read deep books and come out with very clever-sounding stuff, but it's been only fifty or sixty months since they were listening to Hannah Montana or playing Ben-10.

You may argue that it's wrong to treat them as children for too long. Equally, it really does them no favours to treat them as adults too soon.

Absolutely - we're quibbling over the point at which a parent's attitude/approach has to change. I think 16 is that point, and the OP doesn't. By 16, though, I was living on my own in lodgings - I acknowledge that the experience may have made my approach to my own children slightly different.

Well hassled I was very mollycoddled at 16 and would not have been able to live independently, and I want that protection for my kids when they're that age- but I will still respect the fact that they may want to have sex at 16 and may enjoy a sexual relationship that early without it signalling the demise of everything else in their life.

I admit that 16 is not ideal- I'm sure when I was sexually active at 16, my parents worried that I might get pregnant, or stop studying and not make it to uni or loose all my friends, but they were their worries and thankfully they didn't pass them on to me- they allowed me freedom to make my own mistakes.

Children should be taking responsibility for themselves and their decisions gradually from 8/9 ish onwards, about small things and this should gradually increase so 16yr old issues like sex and drugs are not a big shock and conflict but the next step. They can't get support for that next step if parents aren't open to it's possibility.

I stuck to my parents not in this house rule and I didn't shag in back alleys either.

Regardless of your take on the sex issue I don't understand why so many posters seem to think deceit from a 16 year old is OK? Surely he is old enough to have the manners to tell his mum he has his girlfriend round and I assume the girlfriend is capable of saying hello? I'm guessing you would all find sneaking around and lying to someone you are supposed to love and respect less acceptable in a grown man? Yes he is old enough to have sex - he is also old enough not to do things that will upset someone else (in this case the OP).

I am very familiar with it....my mother's rules changed daily...and not for good reason & with no good outcome.

I believe in rules, but I also believe that making a child feel that their home isn't their home is very damaging! I would like my daughters to respect their home, while abiding by mine & dh's rules.

I don't see why the two need to be mutually exclusive!