Absolutely fuming, please help me calm down before I do something.

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Came home today lunchtime, went to speak to ds (16)who was lying in bed (ie get the washing hung out that I asked you to do before I left this morning).
He stayed in his room the rest of the day, I was up in the next room tidying ds (5) room for a while, not a peep from next door, assumed he was on computer or such like.
Roll on past dinner time, shout them both for dinner.
Roll onto ds (16) leaving for football training (im out in front garden) followed by his girlfriend!
I say 'where did you come from' to which she said 'i've been here all day' as they were both leaving.

What would be your conclusion.
Mine is they were up in his room bloody shagging, I did not see her in the room and the way he was lying in bed there could have been someone in it (I obviously wasn't thinking along those lines though).
I'm bloody raging, the total disrespect, younger ds could have walked in, not to mention teenage pregnancy.

"but skidoodly, you have to ask yourself why her son felt it was better to smuggle his gf into his room and hide out all day?"

Why do I have to ask myself that?

Are you saying that if a teenager is unmannerly or poorly behaved that it is always the parents fault?

Because that kind of goes against the whole "they're adults and need to be treated as such"

"Possibly because he knew if he fessed up he'd get a lot of half-baked accusations and told to leave the door open and generally treated without any respect...?"

I don't think it is disrespectful of a teenager to have rules that they have to adhere to in your house.

You don't have a god-given right to fuck your teenage girlfriend in your bedroom.

MollieO I'm with you.

I'm a bit more concerned about OP's "this is my house" stance since I discovered from another thread that the 16-year-old is apparently her stepson.

It is good they have made up but from the explanation it seems OP may well be happy to be lied to rather than accept the fact that her stepson might have sex in her house. As I indicated earlier, I think provided the necessary talks have been had a discreet veil about what actually happens is acceptable.

My sister and I used to have a code about this between us. We referred to going to our GF/BF houses "for coffee with a capital F", shortened in front of our parents to "going for coffee".

Anyway, I was 16 in the 60s in a very repressed country but I think my friends and I preferred the ethos of the 60s to that of our country. I find it worrying that I am more relaxed about these issues, than people much much younger than me.

Oh we're by the embarassing him, the threat of it was enough to have his face red and her in hysterics, so left it at that with a knowing wink.

She has been welcomed and he has been told of to dp to treat her with respect.

I'm happy to go into print and say I plan to control all aspects of ds's behaviour whilst he continues to live at home.

I returned from living abroad for some years, many years ago. My house was rented out so I had to stay with my parents for a couple of months. I would never have dreamed to behave in their house the way I would have behaved in my own (led quite a wild life then ). Reason - I respected them and knew they wouldn't necessarily have approved and saw no need to encourage their disapproval.

The discreet veil is that if it had happened, he is not under any illusion that I do not want that happening again.

Why is it an issue that he is my step son?

Do you know how long I have been bringing him up? I have been bashed before about being a stepmother, it is not relevant in the slightest.

I'm happy to go into print and say I plan to control all aspects of ds's behaviour whilst he continues to live at home.

good luck with that one

Reading these posts has just made me appreciate my parents so much more. They were so wonderful and I must tell them that tomorrow, though I might not explain why I'm telling them out of the blue!

They gave me knowledge about sex from a book my mum gave me at 16 - never talked about it as they were too shy I think.

My mum told me that waiting for sex till marriage was the best thing to do but if I wasn't going to wait then going on the pill was best. They didn't let my bf stay over but they turned a blind eye to us being in my bedroom for hours. The door was closed and she would call me from downstairs if she needed me or if it was late and she wanted my bf to leave.

Years later I asked her why she didn't mind me and bf or me and very noisy other friends being at home, often with music on till late, smoking out of window when they never smoked etc. She said she felt I was safe in our home and that she knew by making my friends welcome she could keep an eye on what we were doing- though we never felt spied upon at all.

She never judged me or gave me the impression she loved me less.

Yes it is relevant if you keep banging on about "not in my house", while not conceding that he also has rights in his home.

Really TheBeast!

Well when I am running my house single handedly I see it as MY house, not dss's or ds's. THEY live with ME.

And he does have rights, I have never said he doesn't, but as I am bringing them up, I will decide which rights I think are appropriate for them. This is not one.

usualsuspect - I'm not expecting it to be a battle at all. By control I mean knowing who ds is with when he is out, where he has gone. If he wants to invite friends over I expect him to discuss with me first. Just as I would do with him. Like I've already said, imo the key is respect.

they are people.

not cats.

you control a cat's sexual behavior by neutering it.

you don't do this to teenagers because you are not allowed to by law.

The product of 16 year olds having sex is not beer cans in the park. Beer cans in the park is the product of teenagers feeling uncomfortable at home.

MollieO, what do you intend to do if your Ds does as I did, and say "I don't think that's any of your business."

You cannot ground a 16 year old.

I got fed up of my mother's intrusiveness and moved out 50 miles away to where she couldn't check up on me.

it was less than ideal.

"as I am bringing them up, I will decide which rights I think are appropriate for them"

That is the most fascinating thing I have read all night. How arrogant, that you have decided these people are your property to control simply because their bedrooms are in your house!

Well, my wife and I and our children live in "Our Home". We prefer it that way. While we do try to encourage civilised behaviour and usually get it, I don't think we have ever had any formal rules. Just, hopefully, good manners and tolerance.

We somehow muddle along.

TrappedinSuburbia...ummmmm if he's your stepson then no you're not running it single handedly, your DP does it too?
and if he's not then you have way bigger problems than your stepson!

also put him straight about the money thing. my sister sat her son down with her partner [he was 15, arrogant and lazy]
and made it quite clear that they werent sure why he thought they would be giving him ANY money once he turned 16 and was able to earn it himself! he was genuinely shocked!

you need to tell him exactly what is and what isnt going to happen.
"no, im not giving you any money to go to the cinema, why should i?"
"no im not paying for your uni fees, its got nowt to do with me..."

my nephew now has a job and works his arse off while sitting his a levels. he is a changed person.

and MollieO really??? wow, id have thought that if you pay for your room, you can do damn well who/what you like in it!

the thing is, if you genuinely have your own issues attached to your attitude to sex, and you feel uncomfortable, then tell your teens that and make the rules clear. you will achieve nothing except not finding the odd condom in the bin, but if it makes you feel better then make your own rules by all means.

of course once they hit 18 its easy: go by my rules or move out.
although i would make an 18 year old pay rent unless they were at uni, so theyd be able to do what they liked, as long as they were respecting other members of the house! [no loud music after 10pm etc

QuickLookBusy

So, where will she be having sex? Because she will be having it....

My ds does tell me where hes going etc,because he doesn't have to sneak behind my back ..we have an open and honest relationship ..his friends are always welcome in our house ...If I come home from work and he has a friend round,so what, he doesn't need my permission

I'll happily pay his way just now as I want him to get a good education.

Yes he can have sex, I not daft enough to think I can stop him, I don't want him doing it under my roof because I don't approve.

Seeing as im so victorian about it all, im sure her parents will be happy to have them do it in her bedroom with her 4 year old sister running around.

This is the only real rule imposed in this house, that and getting school work done.

There is obviously a clear divide in those that think it is acceptable and those that don't.

You've quite happily told me what you think of me and my standards, im far to polite to say what I think of the others, but fair to say its not much.

yeah my DDs tell me where they are and what they are doing as well. we just...talk.
not in a 'ooh we're besties' way, in a 'i actually like and respect you as a person, not just as my daughter, what are your plans?'

all i ask for is a text to let me know if friends are round, and a text if they are going somewhere. takes 5 seconds and 8p.

"Beer cans in the park is the product of teenagers feeling uncomfortable at home."

PMSL

Beer cans in the park is the result of teenagers enjoying getting drunk and hanging out with their friends in public places.

Is the aim to make teenagers so comfortable at home that they never go out and live their independent teenage life?

"w arrogant, that you have decided these people are your property to control simply because their bedrooms are in your house!"

Do you really think the only thing that connects a teenager to his or her parents is that their bedroom is in their house?

The OP has said nothing at all that suggests she thinks her son is her property, just that she thinks she should parent him using her best judgement.

And you think it's arrogant and she should just treat him as a lodger?

How completely weird.

It's not a question of standards, it's a question of legality, the rights of the young person in their own home (and it is his home, regardless of who owns it) and of how he is going to react to having his mother telling him when he may and may not have sex.

If you don't resolve this now, you will have to resolve it next time.

Unless he chooses to resolve it himself by moving out of the family home.

It's so sad that you see sex as such a dangerous and frightening act. He's more likely to injure himself or someone else on a pushbike than he is with his girlfriend.

How odd. So, you dont mind him havin sex, just not under your roof.

Its fine in the park, the cemetry, the alley behind the chip shop, just not in "your house" or his home.

No, completely weird is thinking you have the right to tell a 16 year old young adult what to do with his penis. That's weird.

I do feel a bit sorry for OP. I think she has had a bit of a slating to be honest. If she was talking about a 16yr old DD then I think the responses would be different. Speaking as the mother of a DD, and as someone that was sexually active from quite a young age, I would not be encouraging this. I don't really understand the argument that just cos it's legal means that the mother doesn't have a right to an opinion. It isn't as cut and dry as that. It may be legal but most 16yr olds aren't mature enough emotionally to handle a fully functioning sex-life.

Offering the fact that it's legal isn't much of an argument really. You can be legally wed without parents consent at 18. That doesn't mean they are old enough for it.