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Original poster

Absolutely fuming, please help me calm down before I do something.

294 replies

TrappedinSuburbia · 22/07/2010 19:41

Came home today lunchtime, went to speak to ds (16)who was lying in bed (ie get the washing hung out that I asked you to do before I left this morning).
He stayed in his room the rest of the day, I was up in the next room tidying ds (5) room for a while, not a peep from next door, assumed he was on computer or such like.
Roll on past dinner time, shout them both for dinner.
Roll onto ds (16) leaving for football training (im out in front garden) followed by his girlfriend!
I say 'where did you come from' to which she said 'i've been here all day' as they were both leaving.

What would be your conclusion.
Mine is they were up in his room bloody shagging, I did not see her in the room and the way he was lying in bed there could have been someone in it (I obviously wasn't thinking along those lines though).
I'm bloody raging, the total disrespect, younger ds could have walked in, not to mention teenage pregnancy.

OP posts:
manfrom · 22/07/2010 20:04

...for you, that is, not for him.

traceybath · 22/07/2010 20:05

Well personally I'd rather they had sex in my house in a safe environment rather than some park/field/bus shelter . . .

Flisspaps · 22/07/2010 20:05

I know you're angry, but I do think you're going a bit far, saying she's not allowed in the house again.

Listen to Hassled, good advice there.

Anyway, they might not have been up to much in there.

shimmerysilverglitter · 22/07/2010 20:06

I think you need to calm down to be honest.

My parents used to react like this to just about everything and it really drove a wedge between us that is still there. She won't be allowed back in the house? I think that kind of attitude is going to put you on a collision course with a full scale teen rebellion.

I think I would say to him that she is not to stay without your permission and you won't be giving that any time soon. I wouldn't like it either, so you see I do have some sympathy for you. I know it is a shock but this is what teenagers do and I do honestly feel it is more a case of managing their behaviour than dishing out ultimatums if you want to maintain a good relationship.

As for phoning her parents, really? I think that would be a terrible thing to do.

Hassled · 22/07/2010 20:06

It is your house but it's your DSs home. He's not breaking a law - he is allowed to have sex. Would you rather it was in a field, in the back of a car in a dodgy car park, against a wall behind a pub? Because that's the alternative - he won't stop having sex because you've told him to.

What he should do though is have the decency to tell you when the GF is about, and be responsible wrt condoms etc. And do his chores.

notasillysausage · 22/07/2010 20:06

I feel sorry for your son! I think a lot of people (which he is - of his own right!!) have sex around that age, as it is LEGAL. He should have told you he had his gf round, but I am beginning to see why he would choose not to let on, considering your reaction.
If you confront him like you are planning to do, you will push him away and make him more likely to stay with this girl and be at it like rabbits to piss you off.

Flisspaps · 22/07/2010 20:07

X-posted

So let me get this right, at 16 you were an adult with a flat and a job, and you're furious because your son of the same age might have had sex in your house today?

Longtalljosie · 22/07/2010 20:07

Don't jump to conclusions. If it's his first girlfriend and they've not been together that long you don't know they were shagging. And if they were, it's a bit blatant - is that usually their style?

You do need to talk but gather your information before reading the riot act...

nancydrewrocked · 22/07/2010 20:08

covent if they can't have sex in his home they will have sex elsewhere. That might be at her house but equally it might be in the local park/public toilets etc.

If that happens they run the risk of getting caught - perhaps by the police and cautioned or perhaps by some weirdo who gets his kicks out of it....neither attractive options.

You can also bet your last £5 that if they do resort to having sex in these situations they are less likely to be using condoms.

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:09

i think he should have been honest with you when you came into the room. his deceit is only going to make you suspicious of what they were up to. but i do think at 16 (if they both are) then you have to accept that they might be having sex. have a chat with him. tell him you have no problem with her being there as long as he does all you ask him to in the house. also, might be worth introducing a knocking rule so that your 5YO doesn't get a shock when he bursts in.

StarExpat · 22/07/2010 20:13

I'm from the US and at 16 I was in high school and definitely not properly an adult until 18. 16 was still very much being a teen/child. I guess it stems from being able to leave school at 16 here? I could be talking rubbish...

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:14

trapped you are reacting exactly like my mum would have if i had brought OH home when we first started out (i was 17 he was 16). so you know what, we went and shagged in his house and because my mum would have freaked out like you at the thought of me having sex, i thought it was something to keep from her, something i shouldn't have been doing so i wasn't able to talk with her about it and have the safe sex talk or anything. i dont know if my teen pregnancy was related to this or not but the lack of the talk certainly didn't help.

pantaloons · 22/07/2010 20:15

I think it is more a problem that they did not check rather than them doing it.

When I was 16 I was with my first serious boyfriend, Mum and I are close and I mentioned the sex thing. She booked an appointment for me at family planning and I got Depo and a load of condoms. It was months before bf and I did anything, but when we did it was good to know I wasn't going to get pregnant and that Mum was ok with it.

We would spend every Friday evening at my house in my room and Saturday at his. This invariably ended up in us "going for a walk" as we weren't even allowed upstairs at his house. To me it is much safer to be in a bedroom at home rather than on some quiet steps or behind a shop somewhere.

MostlyLurking · 22/07/2010 20:15

I'm with you on this one Trapped. Am wondering if the reaction would be different if a dd's boyfriend wandered out of her bedroom having been there all day.

Original poster
TrappedinSuburbia · 22/07/2010 20:15

Why would it be a bad idea to phone her parents if you think this is so acceptable?

OP posts:
colditz · 22/07/2010 20:17

Stop being a nob.

Of course he hasn't been honest with you, you interfere too much in this young adult's life. Lying to you is the only way to get you to butt out.

Phone her parents? Are you out of your mind? She's 16, old enough to get married and have a baby - I strongly suggest you don't push them so far away from you that getting married and having a baby starts to look like a good prospect in comparison!

Buy some condoms, throw them on your son's bed, and say "NOT WHILST I AM IN THE HOUSE OR I WILL BURST IN AND HOSE YOU"

Other than that, you do not have the right to dictate who he shags, and where. He is in his home too, and is over the age of consent.

Hassled · 22/07/2010 20:19

It would be a bad idea because it's not your business. She's not your child, she hasn't broken a law. What possible purpose would it serve except to drive a massive wedge between you and your DS which you probably won't recover from? Don't piss around with this - it's hard enough to maintain a good relationship with a teenage boy without going out of your way to stir things up.

colditz · 22/07/2010 20:19

It would be a bad idea to phone her parents because if they are reasonable they will laugh at you, and let the teenagers shag at their house instead, and if they AREN'T reasonable, they may ban her from seeing your son, and we only have to read Romeo and Juliet to know that this is a bad bad idea.

Malificence · 22/07/2010 20:20

I can understand you being miffed that he didn't have the decency to let you know that she was there but as long as his GF is over the age of consent - what is your problem with them having sex in your (safe , comfortable) house?

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:20

why on earth is it your business to let her parents know she might have had sex? it is up to her and no-one else. she is above the age of consent.

Original poster
TrappedinSuburbia · 22/07/2010 20:21

No I do not interfere in his life, you don't know me or him so how the hell can you make that statement. But I sure as shit will be now.

Yes Im wondering what the response would be if it was him coming out of her room in the same circumstances.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:23

you will drive your son away with your behaviour, i would put money it. my mum did exactly the same. we still cant talk openly with each other now. do you want to know your son or do you want to make silly rules? this is a great oportunity for you but you are going to completely f*ck it up.

Original poster
TrappedinSuburbia · 22/07/2010 20:23

Yes MY house.
Not his, not hers.
If he wants to stay in my house he will treat it with respect.

OP posts:
Malificence · 22/07/2010 20:23

And yes, from the age of 16, our DD was allowed to have her boyfriend stay over at our house, and his.
Your hysterical over reaction will not enhance your relationship with your son, he will think you are mad.

NonnoMum · 22/07/2010 20:23

Forget about the possible shagging; it's just plain rude that someone would be in your home and not acknowledge you.

Rule when I was growing up was NO visitors upstairs and I'm going to try to continue that tradition...

But then I am a bit square.

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