Absolutely fuming, please help me calm down before I do something.

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Came home today lunchtime, went to speak to ds (16)who was lying in bed (ie get the washing hung out that I asked you to do before I left this morning).
He stayed in his room the rest of the day, I was up in the next room tidying ds (5) room for a while, not a peep from next door, assumed he was on computer or such like.
Roll on past dinner time, shout them both for dinner.
Roll onto ds (16) leaving for football training (im out in front garden) followed by his girlfriend!
I say 'where did you come from' to which she said 'i've been here all day' as they were both leaving.

What would be your conclusion.
Mine is they were up in his room bloody shagging, I did not see her in the room and the way he was lying in bed there could have been someone in it (I obviously wasn't thinking along those lines though).
I'm bloody raging, the total disrespect, younger ds could have walked in, not to mention teenage pregnancy.

'My house, My rules' can lead to resentment and teenagers moving out too soon to get away ime.

Often accompanied by teenage pregnancy.

I couldnt bloody stand 'my house my rules' i moved into a house with a friend when i was 15, i looked after myself completley i still went to school and achieved good grades i also cooked, cleaned, shopped for myself, i paid a small amount if rent from the job i worked every hour i wasnt at school and my relationship with my parents improved 100% becuase i wasnt living under thier roof and thier rules.

If you read the whole read yellow daffodil you'll see most posters who are saying the sex at 16 is ok, are also saying this deceit is the main issue.

It is unacceptable to lie about someone being in the house and it sounds as though the OP has addressed that. You can't trust a child or adult for that matter who lies, but you also don't have a hope in hell of getting honesty from a teenager if they expect you to go off the deep end at something they admit to.

Trust and respect work both ways.

setting boundaries and respect for others are two of the most important things to teach to anyone...

You don't necessarily have to call it "my house, my rules", as such, but I don't think it does teenagers any favours to treat them like adults. Controversial, I know... but they need boundaries.

The law says they can have sex. Big fat deal. The law says my 10yo DD can have her ears pierced, cross a busy main road unaided, listen to Crrrrrraig Dayy-vid, wear a crop-top and drink blue pop, but these are all things which I, as a parent, feel it important either to protect her from or at the very least give some guidance in the matter...

You can't protect them for ever,much as we would like too ..making mistakes and learning from them is part of growing up surely ..guidence is the key,but they don't always take your advice nor should they when they become young adults..you can't dictate their lives

Of course we can't protect them for ever, but we can do our best while they are under our roof...

Teenagers will lie if you are strict or relaxed, doesn't mean its OK. They should be pulled up on it so as they mature they don't consider it acceptable behaviour.

I just find it odd that a lot of posters are saying it is Ok for him to have sex because he's 16 - apparently he's not mature enough to get his girlfriend to say hello to his Mum.

Yes we can do our best ...I'm sure we all try to do that

I know my daughter and I know she is not a liar (to whoever said I am living in dreamland to think I know what she is doing, and also to the person who said she is a good liar). We DO have a very open relationship. Some of the things she discussing with me, even surprise me. However, I also work with vunerable, young kids and young adults (12-19 yrs). These kids come from a background that none of us could probably imagine. I know from this experience that I will nurture my dc in the best way I can. I will not say, as your 16 you are old enough, so do what you want, anyway it's legal so I can't stop you. From a lot of experience, I have worked out that we are our childrens example, and setting bounderies and trust, means that you gain their respect. I have seen far to many young girls fall into a bad situation because their parents couldn't be bothered to set a simple set of bouderies.

Something being allowed in law doesn't automatically mean it should be allowed in the home. As a parent you have the absolute right to make your rules. Too many 16-year-olds seem to expect all the "good" stuff about growing up (sex, drinking, partying and watching horror films) but still to expect to be able to behave like a child when it suits them.

That's called transition. You seem to think that there should be some sudden moment when you magically turn from a child to an adult, whther at 16 or some other age. And IMHO the main purpose of parenting is to make that transition as painless and stress free as possible, for both parent and child while warning them of the dangers.

If you adopt the "my house, my rules" stance, do you propose ever to allow your children to consider your house as their home?

I think he shouldn't have been getting up to anything if he was responsible for a child in the house.

I think they were both rude in not telling you that she was there.

I think you have to understand that to say to someone 'This is MY house' makes them want to leave that house as early as possible.

Teenagers need privacy - they are developing fast and have to learn responsibility - nobody can teach them that. Your son is at a perfectly natural stage with his girlfriend - they want privacy and you don't want them to have it.

I'm a teacher in a sixth form college and one day one of my students said to me (after a tutorial he'd been to about sexual health) - "If you had a new boyfriend and someone said 'Oh be careful he doesn't give you VD or get you pregnant' then you'd be mortified. You know your boyfriend would want what's best for you, not to pass on some disease or fuck up your life forever." He said, "I love my girlfriend, she loves me. All we want is some time together, some private time. I can't get that at home and when I come to college I'm told she'll likely give me VD. Have you any idea how unfair and insulting that is?"

He has a point, don't you think? If his girlfriend is his friend and not a one night stand, then surely he has the right to a private relationship with her? I don't mean buy them a double bed, just allow them some privacy and a chance to grow up. I would hate to have to have the door open when a friend comes round - I don't want to be overheard even if I'm just chatting. Why shouldn't he be given that courtesy?

"You seem to think that there should be some sudden moment when you magically turn from a child to an adult"

I just love being told what I think, obviously. If you actually read what I've written it's clear I don't think this. Neither do I think young people should not be given clear boundaries.

Also, to claim that "my house, my rules" excludes the house from being their home is to misunderstand the point of the expression. A family unit is not a pure democracy - it would be a disaster if it were. Someone has to be "in charge".

It is their home, of course it is, but that doesn't mean that they can do exactly as hey like. If that were the case, all teenagers would be allowed to drink alcohol, have parties, take drugs, have sex, watch whatever TV/DVDs they wanted, go on whichever websites they like... Can anyone honestly say they are that liberal? If they are, then they are very much the exception.

So why do you object to 16-year-olds wanting the "good" stuff about growing up but still wanting to be allowed to behave like children in certain circumstances?

I cannot read that comment as anything other than that you think they should choose between one or the other and not allowing for any transition.

While I accept that a family unit is not a pure democracy, "my house, my rules" is a pure dictatorship.

Beast - only if you think parenting itself is a dictatorial act. Is it dictatorship to tell toddlers what to do? 7-year-olds? Obviously as our children grow up we listen to them more, but ultimately we have been there, we have done it, we know what we are talking about. We are the adults. They are the children. It applies at 16 as much as at 2.

Erm I think he should adhere to your rules until he is 18. of course he will try to have sex if he wants to but he should have the decency to make sure no one else is home

Seems I'm in the minority by agreeing with the OP since I am 29...

I'm surprised how many people will let their DCs do whatever they want at 16. I think rules should be relaxed a bit between ages 16-18 in preparation for adulthood but some rules should still be in place.

I think it's crazy to tiptoe around a 16 year old in case they decide to leave home and get a place of their own like some people have suggested. Yes, you can marry at 16 but only with parental consent.

I wasn't allowed a BF in my room til I was 18.

My BF's (at the time) mum allowed us to do as we pleased at age 14 we thought she was cool

I think we're all missing the main point of the thread...

He didn't hang the washing out.

Lazy-arse.

UnquietDad: ultimately we have been there, we have done it, we know what we are talking about.

... and from this thread most of us had sex when we were 16 or before, in many cases in fields and alleyways; so what did we learn from that which gives us the knowledge we pass onto our children

(a) that parks and alleyways are the proper places for teenagers to have sex; or
(b) that some/many 16-year-olds are going to have sex, so learn to live with it and, discuss it with them and,if they are likely to go ahead, to not drive them out of the home for this purpose.

What I find astonishing is the fact that there are people who (unwillingly but realistically) accept their teenagers are having sex but feel that it is more acceptable that they do it in alleyways rather than sully "my house" with their unacceptable behaviour.

TheBeast - as I and others keep saying, "if they don't do it in my house they'll only do it in some squalid hedgerow/ toilet/ bus shelter" is a false and dangerous dichotomy to make.

I never got much privacy at home, and it didn't drive me into alleyways. Well, maybe for a snog and a bit of a grope. I just waited until I had my own place. I can't believe that all sixteen year olds are happy for a quick bunk-up in a bus shelter.

I shared my bedroom with my sister until I left home. I don't think she would have appreciated me shagging my boyfriend in the same room.

UnquietDad, there are a limited number of options.

1. Some teenagers do not have sex

1. Some teenagers have sex

Of the teenagers that do not have sex, none of them will be having sex in alleyways etc.

Of the teenagers that do have sex, they must have sex somewhere. You say that if they are not allowed to have sex in their (parents') house, it does not follow that they will be having sex in some squalid place. I am not interested for the purpose of this discussion in those who have a one night stand at a drunken party at someone else's house and would be quite upset if my children did that.

What I want to know is where do you believe a loving teenage couple who have decided sex is right for them, but who are barred by their parents from having sex in their houses, have sex? As I understand your and the OP's argument, you don't care as long as it isn't under your roof. Of course, I understand that you would prefer even such loving teenagers not to have sex and, to be fair, when my kids were 16 I was quite ambivalent about it, but, for the sake of this argument, just accept that it might just happen.

Getting back to your earlier point. Of course I believe that you need to warn toddlers and teenagers off dangerous acts. But when you say to a toddler "Do not go into the road" and when asked why, you do not IMO try to persuade by saying "because I say so"; you explain why it is dangerous and try to educate them, to understand and buy into that argument. When you are dealing with teenagers (assuming you want a nurturing kind of relationship with them), I think it is particularly patronising to use the "because I say so", "my house, my rules" and "my way or the highway" arguments.

I think for me it'd hinge on the legality.

I might tell a 16 year old dc that I thought rushing into sex was ill-advised, especially if it was a new-ish relationship or my dc was young for their age (IMO), but I wouldn't think I had any right to order them not to have sex in my house.

It's hilarious, but also depressing, that the OP thinks their rights are something which are up to her to 'allow'.

This young couple are perfectly within their rights to book into a hotel, or sleep together at the girl's house, or at a friend's house - they have exactly the same 'right' to have sex as any of us.

I can see an argument for putting off sex till you're older, yes, but that's not our decision to make for our children - we got to make it for ourselves when we were 16.