Absolutely fuming, please help me calm down before I do something.

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Came home today lunchtime, went to speak to ds (16)who was lying in bed (ie get the washing hung out that I asked you to do before I left this morning).
He stayed in his room the rest of the day, I was up in the next room tidying ds (5) room for a while, not a peep from next door, assumed he was on computer or such like.
Roll on past dinner time, shout them both for dinner.
Roll onto ds (16) leaving for football training (im out in front garden) followed by his girlfriend!
I say 'where did you come from' to which she said 'i've been here all day' as they were both leaving.

What would be your conclusion.
Mine is they were up in his room bloody shagging, I did not see her in the room and the way he was lying in bed there could have been someone in it (I obviously wasn't thinking along those lines though).
I'm bloody raging, the total disrespect, younger ds could have walked in, not to mention teenage pregnancy.

Does anyone seriously think that the "not in my house" rule will be adhered to?

No.

Quite Mal - I'd just think they'd get better at hiding it from you.

Sneaking in at night/when you're out etc.

It doesn't matter if the relationship is short term. Sex is a Good Thing (as long as all parties consent and condoms are used).
Perhaps if the OP had some herself she would be in less of a strop about what other people are doing.

I find it hilarious that people think that if you set a ground rule, a teenager will automatically do the opposite and move away from you.

e.g "Please do not have overnight guests in my house" - "Oh, Ok I'll move out"

Or, "Please can you do your GCSE coursework" - "No way Mum, you're so unfair, I'm going to run away and never speak to you again, and then I'll NOT do my homework in a back alley"

It doesn't automatically follow that teenagers do the opposite of parental advice. In fact, evidence shows that actually, teenagers appreciate boundaries.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

exactly SGB. i hate this idea that sex is something that is wrong and shouldn't be 'allowed'.

Blimey the attitudes on this thread astound me, after having a baby with dp (who I never introduced to my mum before then), we were expected to sleep apart . Jesus my Mum would have gone into orbit had I asked to have a boyfriend over at 16. Hence the non introduction.

Op I think you are pushing your son away, I aim to have the sensible attitude of most on this thread.

Have you ever watched sex with mum and dad? It's really quite good and makes us buttoned up brits realise that we need to talk to teens about these things, not just blanket deny freedoms.

I think a lot of people find it hard to talk about things but I'm determined to have an open relationship with my children. I talked to dd (who is a bit of a ahem fiddler) about the fact it's fine to touch down there but not in company, she was fine, it was dp who was sniggering (really could have punched him).

Fine he hid his gf, but I can understand why, I'm sure you would have made a scene and embarassed him. It's not just your house it's his too. Do you reveal everything you do in your house to him?

I'm shocked that someone would be as angry as you sound about this. There was a deceit involved in him not telling you she was there and I'd be cross about that and inititate a conversation along those lines.

But, you talk about him having no respect for your feelings, but what about you respecting him? Do you know how he feels about his gf? Maybe he loves her. Maybe he loves spending hours of his time being physically and emotionally close to her. Surely it is better for him to be able to explore this type of new intimate relationship in his own home. And why do you make it sound like it is not his home too? That's very cold.

nonno it is all about the way you put the rule to them. if you say "not in my house" they will say "fine, we'll do it somewhere else". and they will stay away from your house because you have created a negative atmosphere and at that age all you want to do is shag (maybe that was just me)

but if you say, "tbh i don't feel comfortable right now with you having sex. perhaps when you have been together a bit longer and are more mature in your relationship we can talk about it again" they are more likely to hang around the house, hoping that later will come sooner and that you will change your mind. I'm not saying they won't have sex but you haven't given them an ultimatum to chose between being at home and having sex (which is a natural, enjoyable, legal experience)

Trouble is, yes I agree wtih you now but when I was in that situation with my boyf (who is now my DH and we have been married for 12 years) my parents behaving like you are alienated me from them. However, in hindsight and now I am 31, I can see the point.

Difficult one mate! You have got to decide what bothers you most and tackle that bit of it I guess but do it in such a way that he won't hate you for it. Also try and explain to him about your fears ie 5yr old walking in and the impact it might have on him.

If he is going to do it it doesn't matter where he is but try and gently push the safe sex thing if possible and not make it out to be wrong or dirty.

I would not be happy with it either, OP (whether a son or a daughter) but I would acknowledge that a hardline reaction is very likely to drive him to go elsewhere. Please, hold back and play the long game here. You won't persuade him that he shouldn't do it because you say so - the only hope would be that you make him see that it's not a good idea, and frankly even that's not too likely to be achievable. What you absolutely do not want is yout son to think 'Right, I have to hide pretty much everything in my life from mum else she'll go mad', and then not be able to reach him at all.

Realistically, I would sit him down and suggest some ground rules:

• If he and his gf are together at the house, you want to be told she is there and for her to come and say hello at the start. This saves everyone the potential embarrassment of them being interrupted - might be worth pointing that out.

• As being in this kind of relationship is an adult thing, you expect him to behave like an adult, including doing his chores on time, doing homework before he spends time with gf, and so on. If he can't behave like an adult, you will stop treating him like one.

• He also needs to make sure they have safe sex, and to be discreet about it when they do - ie do his best to make sure no younger sibs are going to charge in. Do make it clear though you would rather they 'spent time together' at yours than in a field, alley behind the school etc.

As I said, I would share your feelings on this - but I hope when it happens to me I can cool down enough to play the long game and remember that preserving my relationship with my son is more useful, long term, than pushing him to become seriously estranged from me. Given that he is 16 I really think your best option is to accept and tolerate them having sex, but try to keep it within relatively safe perameters, and remind him at the same time that being an adult carries respnsibilities too.

OP I know we are in the minority, but I totally agree with you.

My 16 year old DD will not be shagging under my roof. DH would have a heart attack!! I know its legal at 16, but that doesnt mean its right for everyone.

It is about your son respecting YOUR home. I dont believe all this "You'll make him leave with his girl friend if you dont let him do what he wants!" Where would they live? Where would they get their money from? Who would do his washing!!!!

Fuck me, you sound like a right barrell of laughs op
Sex does not equal pregnancy, or Id have a whole litter by now. Give him some credit.
And its sex for god sake. Its not dirty, its not wrong, its fun. I suggest you try it.

when you give an ultimatum like that you shut down the lines of communication. with something as important as sexual health or pregnancy it is crucial that your dcs feel they can ask any questions they need to know. if they cant ask their parents, who can they ask? their ill-informed teenage friends?

i got cystitis at 17 and was so embarrassed to tell my mum or ask what it was (i only twigged on years later that it was cystitis)that i suffered in agony for ages with it til it eventually cleared up by itself. i would hate for my dcs to be that scared to talk to me that they would suffer like that.

Maybe because he knows how you react he decided to "hide" the girlfriend. Even at 16 I don't think I would have had the energy or inclination to be in bed having sex all day long besides which surely if you were in the next room you would have heard something. You reaction is what my parents would have been like and even to this day I hide stuff from them as it makes for an easy life. We have never had a great relationship because of this.

How old is girlfriend? If she is under 16, your son could in theory be charged...

If she is under 13, he could end up on the sex offenders register.

Just a thought.

And, did her parents know where she was?

I agree with you, op. My parents laid down the law with me, and I respected them for it. We have an excellent relationship now, too.

I just got very good at quickies, mind you!

Seems quite a few posters here seem to expect deceit and lack of respect from their teenage children .

I hope that when ds is 16 he both of us respect each other. I would not expect him to sneak a girl into his room for the day having been told that she is allowed to visit provided the door is open (seems normal to me). Is sex at 16 honestly the norm for everyone of that age these days? I find that aspect particularly shocking.

If ds behaved in the way that the OP's ds had he would be grounded in this house.

I do believe that an awful lot of teenagers end up in trouble because ther the has been animosity at home (hope I spelt animosity right ) I loath my parents for what they put me & DH through, but I do see their issues now and I do feel they mishandled the situation.

If my mother had just sat me down and said look if you are going to do XY & Z then not in our house please oh and just make sure you go visit the doctor....or something to that effect. Instead of a lecture and making me feel like a prized whore and trying to split me and DH up. She also practically threw me out of the house. My DH, by the way was in the army and 9 years older than me.

We are now in our 30's and 40's married 12 years and 1 DD. Also happy still.

Sue it doesn't always work out this way but you can deal with this and not destroy the relationship with your son.

Please don't make sex out to be wrong, just make sure he is being sensible, and of course not under your roof, but explain why you don't want him doing it under your roof ie DS.

Trapped - I take it from your screen name that you might be feeling trapped and not altogether happy at the moment? Are you sure you're not transfering stuff onto your DS here? I may be wrong but haven't you posted in the past about resenting the domestic demands on you?

Absolutely fair I think to set ground rules such as, I want to know who is in the house; if you expect to be treated like an adult, you act like one by contributing to the house - i.e. if you do no chores at home = no visitor.

As for...there are young children in the house..don't you and your DP ever have sex? It doesn't hurt children if someone has sex in the same house as them! If they did walk in on them, it won't scar them for life, just an opportunity for a conversation about what two people (over the age of consent) do when they love each other.

They might not have been having sex. You sound really quite spiteful when you talk about phoning her parents. I actually don't see a problem with phoning them to have a chat about things, in case they haven't realised she is spending time alone at yours but I'd be doing it in a friendly way, not to get her banned or in trouble.

Many young people today are horribly confused about sex, having been exposed to hardcore porn via the net and mobiles mostly before they've even had their first kiss. Don't think your son would have been immune, even if you had strict net controls at home. These things easily get onto mobiles, there's always at least one unsupervised youngster who brings this stuff in to school, the way someone usually managed to sneak a porn mag into school to snigger over back in our days.

Your son might really need you. Any way you can deal with your own unhappiness and build a loving, trusting relationship with him?

I'm actually quite astounded at how angry you are, OP.

It's sex. Teenagers will have sex when they find the opportunity, it's natural to have sexual urges, and to want to have sex with someone in a relationship - and they are in a relationship, aren't they?

They're not doing it in front of you and they're doing what comes naturally.

I can remember being in my bedroom with my boyfriend, and we were sort of spooning on the bed 'watching telly' - my mum came in to ask if we wanted a cup of tea, and he was... ahem... inside me We had to stay really still for the few seconds she was there...

Calm down dear.

I would never ask ds to leave his door open ..hes entitled to some privacy ..

A mate of mine got the girlfriend on side and got to know everything that went on. (not sordid details) but was able to feel better knowing that certain things had been taken care of and where they were most of the time.

She became a precious means of information and made the sitation a bit more palatable.

I agree that there's nothing wrong with having his girlfriend in his room at 16 but it is rude that he didn't introduce you to her and she didn't say hello. But they are young.

You say he's getting to pick and choose when he gets to be an adult and you're right. Can't you use this as an oppurtunity - that if he wants his girlfriend over then he can hang out the washing and pull his weight. Even if it's just as an opener to a conversation.