Absolutely fuming, please help me calm down before I do something.

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Came home today lunchtime, went to speak to ds (16)who was lying in bed (ie get the washing hung out that I asked you to do before I left this morning).
He stayed in his room the rest of the day, I was up in the next room tidying ds (5) room for a while, not a peep from next door, assumed he was on computer or such like.
Roll on past dinner time, shout them both for dinner.
Roll onto ds (16) leaving for football training (im out in front garden) followed by his girlfriend!
I say 'where did you come from' to which she said 'i've been here all day' as they were both leaving.

What would be your conclusion.
Mine is they were up in his room bloody shagging, I did not see her in the room and the way he was lying in bed there could have been someone in it (I obviously wasn't thinking along those lines though).
I'm bloody raging, the total disrespect, younger ds could have walked in, not to mention teenage pregnancy.

Well mollieo, I am in my 40s and i understand that some 16 yr olds will be having sex and this is their right. So not all posters understanding that will be in their 30s.

Sex at that age can be fabulous - I had a lovely steady bf at that age and we absolutely loved each other and each others bodies. We spent hours talking, touching etc and we were so obsessed with each other, we didn't consider we were disrespecting our parents at all. But we would have had sex anywhere we could as it was so new and exciting and fab!

I still think the rudeness of hiding gf is the worst thing here but actually can understand why he would "hide" gf as he can probably predict this type of angry reaction.

Try talking to him more and judging him less. Show him how much you love him by listening to him. Please don't push him away.

Agree with you CuntMe (nice name)... in fact I too am 34, with two dds, the eldest being 6. So another to add to the cultural shift argument...

Why on earth would she tell her parents anything? I certainly didn't let slip to my mother - "By the way, I'll be off to Dave's today, we are going to lie on his bed and snog and he might be in line for a blowjob, depending on how long he spends kissing my neck. Bye Mum!"

because my parents would have reacted exactly like the OP has done, and therefore it wasn't worth telling them anything. I sorted my OWN contraception out at the Gp. When I had a pregnancy scare aged 19, I rang the Marie Stopes clinic myself. When I broke up with someone for pressuring about sex, I lied and said he was going out with someone else.

I felt rather alone as a young woman, all because I could not trust my parents not to overreact, and I had to do everything myself in secret when I would have loved nothing more than some sensible guidance.

What YOU want your daughters to do at 16 doesn't actually bear much relation to what they WILL do. They will do as they please. They will just filter what you find out about according to how much of an explosive prat you are about them turning into young adults instead of overgrown 11 year olds.

But the thing is that you can't STOP them having sex if they want to.

I think by giving them choices and respecting those choices they are actually MORE likely to value that gift and treat it wisely.

I was allowed to have my bf staying in my room from the age of 16 and my mother would never have dreamed of telling me to leave the door open or insinuating that was "rutting" or anything else. She considered it my business after the age of consent.

And in fact I didn't lose my virginity until my boyfriend and I were both 17. I'm still with him today (now in my thirties).

Had my mother implied I was the "town bike" and told me to leave the door open, I imagine I'd have shagged him anyway, probably in a field somewhere, and been incredibly hurt and pissed off into the bargain.

Good post Colditz, (I totally get the loneliness thing and I hope my dds never feel that way), and a lovely post from loves2. Very utopian. I just don't know if I could be so accepting when it comes to my dds... I will try, I had such intolerant parents I'll have had no guide... difficult one.

MolliO, I am in my thirties, and I do not know a single ONE of my friends who waited until she got to university. What on Earth would be the point in that? YOu won't wear your fanny out, you know. It won't break if you use it too much. It's not like heroin, you don't need more and more cock to get your kicks.

There is nothing as special as loving teenaged sex. I feel sad for the people who are too frightened of their own urges to have ever experienced it.

you sound very, err, suburban, op...

Right I have spoken to him.

He said she was standing at his tv when I came into the room and that she had only just arrived 2 mins before me.

Im not sure I entirely believe this as I would have least have seen her out of the corner of my eye.

I have left with him that I am VERY relieved to hear this as I thought she may have been in the bed with him and have let him know how unhappy I would have been about this.

I did point out that it wasn't on that I didn't even know she was in (I made him his dinner and he didn't crack a light, I would usually have made her something as well).

So whether they were or were not, there is no doubt that he knows I am not on with that.

There's no ill feeling, i've been helping him fix his computer etc since he's come back.

Yes I was absolutely raging, thankfully I directed it towards this thread.

I am horrified how many people seem to think that this is acceptable.

I'm horrified that you are trying to control a 16 year old young man's sexual behavior.

Colditz - they will not do as they please. We are converting the cellar into a soundproof dungeon till they hit 25

I do agree with you about sensible guidance and I hope to be able to give that to my two dds, however, I would be disappointed for them if they were having sex at 16. I hope they'd have more in their lives than boys

This possibly comes from the fact that I was having sex at 16 and I feel I wasn't ready. I'd like my dd's to have the confidence to say no if they didn't want to. Especially when girls of 16 are often dating boys/men of 20+

In some ways I think strict parents can help that - your dc can always hide behind 'm and d won't let me stay over' if they're feeling unsure.

Anyway, they're just my garbled thoughts. I have a few years yet to get them coherent.

aw, some lovely posts on this thread! I am getting all misty eyed remembering how amazing it is to be 16 and in love and just feeling so cherished and adored.

And glad you sorted it out with your DS, OP.

Thanks for all the posts supporting, the others just inflamed me further!

Of course I know what its like to be 16 and in love!

There are A LOT of things I know about but let slide, but this is not one of them.

I have only read a few of your posts on this thread, but now I understand why your ds hid his girlfriend from you!

You can give your 16 year olds the confidence to say "no" without banning them from having sex.

Why would you be disappointed if they were having sex at 16? Why would you feel that they had nothing but boys in their lives?

At 16 I had a boyfriend, we were having sex, we also went to gigs in a big gang of us, he tried having a band and I tried managing it, we played football in the park, our friends and us used to go clubbing, we played on the Nintendo 64 - but we still had sex. We didn't stop doing any of those things just because we were bumping uglies. His parents knew, and considering I was his first, dealt with it excellently. My parents didn't know. So we always stayed at his.

But life doesn't end when sex happens. Once you have sex, you don't become superglued to a man's genitals for life(that's called marriage ), and actually, you can stop doing it and do something else with someone else instead.

Sex is not a replacement for fun. It's extra fun on top of the fun you're already having.

TBH, my parents used to react like you, OP, and so I simply avoided going home. I hope it doesn't come to that with your son, maybe boys put up with more of this sort of interference.

Colditz, you are amazing.

sex is a part of life and its FUN. when you hit puberty, you start getting sexual desires. why any parent thinks they have have any right to dictate their childs sex life is beyond me.

Obviously I and all my school and university friends are/were odd . Not sure I understand your point about the 16 yr old girl not telling her parents where she was going. At that age I would expect to know exactly where my dcs were and who they were with.

I agree that there are parents who don't ask and aren't interested. I see the product of that type of parenting when I take ds to the park - discarded beer cans, damaged play equipment, graffiti etc. We benefit from that type of attitude on a daily basis .

I also wonder if boys who 'put up with more of that sort of interference' will also be expecting the OP and their like to fund their further education? Obviously that would be too much 'interference' for them, surely .

Yes i've had the safe sex talk and the not in my house talk with him before

So where do you expect him to have sex? Because as others have said, he will do it!

How long isn't it allowed for? When he gets married & has kids, comes to stay, can he have sex with his wife in "your" house?

This kind of talk led to me leaving home at 18 & never speaking to my mother again.

He is growing up, having sex is NOT about disrespecting you. All you are doing is pushing him away. So if (hopefully not when) he does have a problem he will try & sort it out himself, without confiding in you..possibly leading him into more trouble.

Enjoy his company while you can, because you will be lucky to have him around much longer!

Oh & as for not having sex in your house, does that include masturbating? Because he has probably been doing that for years, unknown to you!

MollieO, your friends werent odd, in some parts sex just isnt a big deal. in our part it was a 'well...this is interesting'. some of my uni friends had had sex, some hadnt. it would never have occured to me to think one or the other odd.

also, some of us dont WANT to fund our kids uni fees if my DD's 'expected' anything, thats guaranteed for them not to get what they want. they'll ask nicely [and maybe il chuck them a tenner a week]

also at uni you can whoever you want in your room whenever anyway, dont see much point in denying that...
although a friend at my uni's mum thought her boyfriend always stayed in a different room. bless.

Oh & the guy I was having sex with at 16 (my first) is my dh now. Married 16yrs. Together 21.

So you cannot assume it is a short term thing!

Was going to say they may well not have been having sex, then saw your update.

The solution might be to warmly welcome the new gf, tell ds he is to treat her with respect or the baby photos and embarrassing chilhood stories are going to come out

Her parents do know when she is across here as either I usually run her back home or one of them collects her.

They are quite ignorant on the whole but then that I can understand that they're wrapped up in each other.

Im not a monster, I actually get on quite well with him, my anger was directed to this thread so he didn't see it. I am quite a volatile person but usually manage to calm down before I speak to whoever needs to be spoken to, usually by posting on here.

He wants his whole life funded till hes retired the way hes talking!

Gosh at my uni we had to smuggle boys in . It took a lot of effort and the cleaners would appear at random times to do spot checks! You could be thrown out of halls if you were caught.

It used to make me laugh that at bf's parents we shared a room (although not a bed) but never allowed at home.