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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely fuming, please help me calm down before I do something.

294 replies

TrappedinSuburbia · 22/07/2010 19:41

Came home today lunchtime, went to speak to ds (16)who was lying in bed (ie get the washing hung out that I asked you to do before I left this morning).
He stayed in his room the rest of the day, I was up in the next room tidying ds (5) room for a while, not a peep from next door, assumed he was on computer or such like.
Roll on past dinner time, shout them both for dinner.
Roll onto ds (16) leaving for football training (im out in front garden) followed by his girlfriend!
I say 'where did you come from' to which she said 'i've been here all day' as they were both leaving.

What would be your conclusion.
Mine is they were up in his room bloody shagging, I did not see her in the room and the way he was lying in bed there could have been someone in it (I obviously wasn't thinking along those lines though).
I'm bloody raging, the total disrespect, younger ds could have walked in, not to mention teenage pregnancy.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:26

i agree, he disrespected you by not hanging teh washing and by not telling you he was planning on having the Gf over but these are the only two things. having sex is not disrespecting you.

TheBeast · 22/07/2010 20:26

Are you seriously suggesting he should have asked your permission to shag his girlfriend in his room?

It is clear you would not have given it, so what would you suggest he and his girlfriend do?

Not have sex? Or have sex anywhere but in your house?

As to the "deceit" thing: God knows I would have died of embarrassment if my mother knew when and where I was having sex when I was 16. Actually, let me rephrase that, I would have died of embarrassment if I knew my mother knew when and where I was having sex when I was 16.

I suspect she often knew but, once we had the safe sex and only have sex with someone you love talk, we operated a policy that we did not discuss when I was having sex. As a quid pro quo, my parents also didn't tell me when and where they were having sex.

We all lived very happily together not sharing that information and now my children and I have the same policy and it seems to be working fine.

colditz · 22/07/2010 20:27

"Yes MY house.
Not his, not hers.
If he wants to stay in my house he will treat it with respect."

you say this to him and he'll be gone within a month. given a choice of living with you OR shagging his girlfriend, he's going to shag his girlfriend. I suggest you stop being mulish and accept that he's a real person before you lose him.

MinkyBorage · 22/07/2010 20:27

I can understand you're really angry, but you have to calm down and give it a few days before you deal with this. Tell him you're unhappy and need to think it through, but that you don't want her in the bedroom in the meantime.
If you ban her from the house they resent you and be forced in to finding a solution to the problem you have given them, and their solution will NOT suit you.
Calm down and book in a time to talk to him about it in a few days.

I fell madly in love when I was 16 to a lovely lovely man. I have some sympathy for your son. Coming down on him like a ton of bricks isn't going to get any of you what you want!

MinkyBorage · 22/07/2010 20:27

*I said man, I meant boy, he was 16 too!

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:28

if it was me i would sit the two of them down and tell them that you expect common courtesy from both of them and that means acknowledging you, and also asking if it's ok to be upstairs. it also sounds like you have other issues with your son not being respectful.

nancydrewrocked · 22/07/2010 20:28

"If he wants to stay in my house he will treat it with respect"

Do you actually want him moving out with GF because pushing him away like this is only going to force them together. Do not tunr what could be a responsible but shortlived relationship into an over dramatised romance of the century which sees them both make serious mistakes due to fighting a common enemey (that is you - for the avoidance of doubt)

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:30

nancy you could be talking about me, that is exactly what happened with me and OH.

poshsinglemum · 22/07/2010 20:31

I can undestand that you are upset but I think that part of that is coming to the terms with the fact that your son has become sexualy active and is a sexual being. I think many parents struggle with this reality but it's better he does it at home than in a back alley or something because trust me; they will be finding other places to do it!
He might be more honest with you if you try not to get too angry. Mabe he's just as embarassed as you are?

usualsuspect · 22/07/2010 20:34

But its his house too .. this but its my house crap annoys me so much ..no visitors upstairs? my teenage son always has his mates in his bedroom ,male and female, no wonder so many teens don't get on with their parents ..

Hassled · 22/07/2010 20:35

Colditz is absolutely right - this is a real person we're talking about, and you WILL lose him if you don't accept that he's becoming an adult with all the rights and yes, the responsibilities that involves.

And I have some sympathy - my oldest is 23, and it's been bloody hard seeing him grow up and out-need me, but then that's the whole point of being a parent really, isn't it? You help them through the process. Your attitude now and planned course of action is NOT helping him through the process of becoming an adult. He needs to respect you, yes - but you need to respect him as well.

Conundrumish · 22/07/2010 20:37

Is this thread a wind up? I can't believe the 'Yes MY house.
Not his, not hers.
If he wants to stay in my house he will treat it with respect' is still being said in 2010.

It's not a very nice feeling to feel that your home is not your home as a teenager.

Naetha · 22/07/2010 20:41

Trapped - it's such a shame that you really want to push your son away / force him out of his childhood home so soon. He will resent your massive overreaction, and it will threaten what can be a tough relationship at the best of times (between mother and teenage son).

It seems like it's you that needs to grow up, not him.

You need to decide whether you want to continue to treat him as a child, or as a young adult. Either way, you have to be up front with him and have everything in the open - no unwritten rules.

Malificence · 22/07/2010 20:41

I did wonder if this was a wind-up, why would anyone have such a hysterical reaction to something so normal?

itsonlyajob · 22/07/2010 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TrappedinSuburbia · 22/07/2010 20:49

Its the complete lack of respect, im fuming (obviously).
I can't believe some of the responses.
Yes i've had the safe sex talk and the not in my house talk with him before.
Believe me he is in no way held back socially, he's a right 'lad'.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/07/2010 20:51

"Mine is they were up in his room bloody shagging"

really!? for all that time?

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:51

itsonlyajob, there is absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging a teen to wait but the OP sounds like she has had no converstaion at all about sex and is now planning to explode at discovering that her now legal 16 year old is having sex. surely if you wanted your DS to wait you would have had the chat long before he was near the age of consent. is that not a more logical approach rather than burying your head in the sand and then whingeing when the inevitable happens. how can he know the rules if they haven't been laid down infront of him?

Malificence · 22/07/2010 20:53

Of course sex is safer at home - it's physically safer than a park/back of a car/ bus shelter etc. ( you can end up on the sex offenders register for having sex in a public place), emotionally safer , much more likely to use condoms etc.

How do you know a 16 year old would have a fairly short term partner - my DD was with her first BF from 16 - 18 years of age so hardly short term.

Me and DH were mature enough to be having sex at 16 years old, we afforded our DD the same courtesy.

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:53

apologies trapped, xpost. i didn't realise you had had the chat and given him teh rules.

Rafwife · 22/07/2010 20:53

Opinions on whether is disrespectful in your house aside.

Chances are he is having sex, which he will continue to do so wherever as he does not need your permission.

Your attitude will push him away and you could end up losing him, you can't think straight when you are a love struck teenager. So I'd suggest you calm down before issuing him ultimatums as he gets older, you as the Mother are the most likely to lose....

traceybath · 22/07/2010 20:53

Just talking to my DH about this issue and he would be fine with them having sex but annoyed he'd been in bed all day when he could have been out working

And personally I'd rather they had sex in the day so I didn't have to hear it - thats what would make me very uncomfortable - shudder.

Trapped - do you generally have a good relationship with your DS? And what does your DP think of it all?

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:54

me and OH started going out when he was 16 and i was 17. we are now 24 and 23 and have two dcs. so that wasn't short term.

Malificence · 22/07/2010 20:55

Does anyone seriously think that the "not in my house" rule will be adhered to?

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 20:56

yes i would have more of a problem with him lying in bed all day. the fact that you let him lie there even after asking him to hang the washing is incomprehensible to me. i would have stood at the door til he got up and done it.

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